There are a few things I just give up about right now.
1 – trying to do this months blogging challenge…not going to happen. Blogging every day right now, too much stress to think about it. Even trying to write posts in advance for them to come out on the right day…it’s too much. Plus, I don’t see the point, why was I trying to do this again? To say, yes I accomplished this? Is it reaching more people? I haven’t had any comments from new people. I have noticed I’m getting more Spam. I’ve been spending so much time trying to keep up with my writing, I haven’t had the time to read other people’s post. I’d rather spend my time keeping up with my friends.
2 – trying to lose weight. Yeah, I feel like I gave this up months ago, and probably did, but while I’m feeling this crappy, and so much of my nutrition is going right through me or coming back up…I’m not going to be too weight conscious. (however, every time I look in the mirror I think…who is this fat person? *sigh*)
Look at the pictures below, one was taken January 2010, the other was taken July 20th, 2011. See how much fuller my face is? And I’ve gained weight since the latest picture was taken. (you do not want to see the rest of my body…I’ve gone from a size 8 to a size 16.) *sigh again* But how do you lose weight while lying in bed, and can’t cook? Plus I have this little thing that keeps whispering in my head..”if you eat something you’ll feel better.” How do I get rid of that?
I know, many of you will say, there isn’t much difference, but in the photo taken in July, I was trying to not show how large I am. I had my head tilted up, to take away my double chin, I had my hair partially on my face…on the left I weight 147lbs. on the right I weighed about 182lbs. I now weight 190lbs. The heaviest I’ve ever been. *I literally sighed again*
3 – who ever is holding this vertigo, and headache pain over me…I just want to say…I give up! What ever you want, I give! Just please stop. (Don’t worry my friends, I’m OK, I know it’s just my lot in life right now, a season some might say, it’ll pass, I’ll make sure of it.) I’m learning so much about me, friends, chronic illnesses… I’ve decided to take this time that I’m feeling crappy to just reflect, and reevaluate what is most important to me and possibly change my priorities.) One thing I know for sure, I want to live every day I feel better to the fullest! Live in the moment!
4 – I give up on trying to go to parties, or noisy restaurants, or any place that’s noisy. Let’s just say, I give up on trying to hear in noisy situations, and getting so frustrated, and feeling so isolated because of it. One on One, or Small Groups are better anyway.
Now for an update on how I’m feeling:
Since Wednesday I’ve had a constant feeling of vertigo…no not the major throwing my guts up attack kind, but every time I move my head…Whoosh! And if I close my eyes it feels like I’m moving. Sleep has been very hard. But I did get a few hours last night. If my head would stop hurting I’d probably be able to get more. My head, oh my aching head! My head hurts so much. My neck hurts. It’s hard to turn my head…that’s probably a good thing since it makes me dizzy, but it hurts. (Oh, did I mention it hurts??!! And nothing I’ve taken for it touches the pain.)
I’m having a lot of GI distress for the past few days too. If I were running a fever I’d swear I had the flu…at least I’m not that achy. (except, did I mention my head and neck really hurt? …. yeah, I guess I did.)
I finally realized exactly what was so very different from this past attack than previous ones (yes a few things were different, but I think this is pretty strange.) Normally my vertigo spins clockwise, this time I was spinning counter-clockwise. I remember distinctly how the TV was falling to the left, and the vent on the ceiling was moving to the left. Isn’t that strange? I know it probably doesn’t mean anything, I just thought it was strange.
Anyone else notice how they spin? Clockwise or Counterclockwise. I have a friend with Ramsey Hunt Syndrome and she told me she always spins counterclockwise. (but, I don’ t think she has extreme vertigo attacks like those of us with Meniere’s…but I’m not sure, I’ll have to ask again. However, we all know, even minor vertigo can cause great distress.)
To conclude, many people say to never give up, but when you have a chronic illness you have to realize there are things you simply need to give up. Things are different now. I used to have a very hard time telling people “No”, now I often say “maybe”, and often I have to say “no”. I must decide, is it worth the consequences. Will I feel worse afterward? Will I feel isolated because I can’t hear? Will I be in a safe place if I have an attack? There are many things to think about now, I can’t just say, “sure, I’ll do that”. I have to do what is best for me physically, and mentally. (as some may say, I need to really think about how I’ll use my spoons.)
Stress makes most chronic illnesses worse. Even good stress. I have to remember that, and choose accordingly.
How has having a Chronic Illness changed your priorities?
10 thoughts on “I give already!”
Wendy, I have given up on NaBloPoMo too. See my post http://moisbloggingithink.wordpress.com/2011/11/06/ive-given-up-already/
Isn’t it a bitch when you throw up and have the shits and you don’t lose weight? I hate that. If I lost weight from that….I would be a perfect size 10…or something…I don’t want to wish for a size 6 or anything stupid. I wish the world would stop spinning for you. Ambidextrous spinning huh?
When I spin, objects usually move from the right to the left. My ENT told me it was that you usually spin from the bad ear towards the good ear so maybe it was your other ear this time causing all the trouble….???
I really need to take your advice. I say yes to too many things then I have to back out of them. It would be much easier, and less stressful if I just recognized from the get-go that I cannot do the things I used to be able to do!
I’m so sorry, Wendy. It is strange, I’m having many of the same symptoms you are this week. I am still getting over my cold, but I’m now having horrible headaches and GI issues in addition to my vertigo being worse. I wonder if this is still part of the virus that I have been fighting. I am still running a low grade fever.
As far as changing directions, I have done that. I usually spin clockwise, but occasionally I will spin counter-clockwise or…even scarier…in more of a forward, tumbling motion. Sometimes I will change spin directions after I see my vestibular therapist and she does a BPPV maneuver on me. I believe you generally spin toward your weaker ear. I have issues with both ears and all canals within the ears, so my spin changes quite a bit. It may be that one of your ears has become weaker for some reason…or perhaps that you have developed some BPPV-like crystals secondary to your Meniere’s disease.
Like you, I’m back to spinning with any head movement right now. I haven’t been quite this bad in a few months, and it is very disheartening. Hang in there, friend (or, perhaps I should say, “Hang on!”).
Oh, Allison, I really hate to hear you are worse than you have been in a while. I’m feeling the same way. Worse than I have been in months. This headache, is horrible, I think it’s worse for me because it’s on the left side, my migraines are normally on the right, most of my pains are usually on the right. For the left to be in so much pain, it’s just wrong! and this spot on my neck, right behind my ear at the base of my skull…it is so tender, and radiated up my head and down my back.
Glad I see my GP tomorrow, it’s a routine visit, but she’ll be surprised that I feel this bad. (she’s also going to be surprised by the weight gain, I bet my labs come back horrible.) If my headache is still there, I’m hoping I can get a shot…knock this baby out!
Sleep has been rough, hard to fall asleep because of the pain, and every time I close my eyes I start spinning worse. For people with Meniere’s Sleep deprivation is a big trigger…so i’m having it all. ugh!
Hang on my friend! we’ll get through it.
(oh, I’ve changed my perspective and direction before, but think I may need to tweak it a little.) *smile* wendy
The “whoosh”-ing, the GI distress, the dizziness and spinning … that was my reaction to the Effexor. Hope it stops, you don’t need any more to deal with.
fishrobber – After a couple of doses of Effexor, i thought I might be adding too many things to the mix at one time, so my doctor and I decided I should hold off on giving it a try. This didn’t start until a few days after i stopped the Effexor. So thinking it’s just my old nemesis…Mr. Meniere’s! Here to foil the day! thank you wendy
My spins can go clockwise or counterclockwise. I guess it depends on which ear is bothering me at the time, I´ve also heard something about the spinning always goes to the bad ear-direction. My ENT told me that crystals in the inner ear, BPPV, is more common if you already have Menières but I think there is a big difference between a Menières spin and a BPPV spin. A spin caused by crystals is triggered by changing position of the head and doesn´t last for hours. This is my experience – but I know for sure that it´s not the same for everyone.
Wendy – I really enjoyed your post about what not to say to someone with a chronic illness. I would like to borrow it, translate it to swedish and discuss it with my M support group. If it´s ok to do this? I´ll tell who´s the author! If you noticed I wrote ” someone with a chronic illness”. This is very important to me. I am Susanna with all my good sides and bad sides and beside this I HAVE a chronic disease. I don´t want to BE my illness, my vertigo or my bad hearing. I want to be ME. But knowing about illnesses end problems that people have hopefully makes others more understanding. Hopefully!
All the best!
Susanna, First, thank you for giving me more insight. Perhaps I have spun in different directions, but I don’t remember ever spinning counter clockwise before, and I’ve had attacks from both ears. For a long time it was just my right, then when the left got involved and I had the endolymphatic sac surgery on the right, most (if not all) of my attacks have come from the left. I can tell because of which one the hearing fluctuates in and the tinnitus gets much worse in that ear. It’s just a strange phenomenon to me.
I’ll get the OK from Allison about the Don’t Say article if you’d like. She’s the one who really wrote it.
You know one thing that bothers me that people say? ” You don’t deserve this?” Why would you think I would think I did, and No One deserves this. But it happens, and you deal with it.
Thanks again, I’m sure Allison won’t mind about you sharing her list, but I’ll run it by her anyway.
i don’t like that you’ve been going through this but i like that you let all this out. people have to see all sides of chronic illnesses and that we all have our weak moments, which really aren’t weak moments at all. they show that you’re strong and that you can handle this but you are after all-human. so to be able to write this and share it with us is really kind of a beautiful thing. i mean that because when i read that i thought of how i could relate, of how strong i know you really are, and that we’re in this together. i also though of how much i’m holding in and not sharing and how much that’s eating away at me. that’s never good for anybody. whether you meant to or not, you reached me through your post in a way you may not have intended. thank you for that.
(i hope this makes sense. it’s all supposed to be complimentary but probably sounds like gibberish)
No, it sounded very complimentary. And I cried. I hate that anyone can relate to what I’m going through, but I just have to get it out.
I’ve been holding some stuff in, and haven’t been able to go to our therapist in a few months…keep having to cancel because of the Meniere’s crap. This is my place to really let it out. Plus, my therapist reads my blog, and encourages it.
I also hope that some people who don’t have this, can begin to understand what we go through.
any time you need to get it out, if you don’t want to put it all out there on your blog, please feel free to email me. or we could IM, or text….you have a lot going on! You need a safe place to just let it out!
love and hugs wendy