There are a few things I just give up about right now.
1 – trying to do this months blogging challenge…not going to happen. Blogging every day right now, too much stress to think about it. Even trying to write posts in advance for them to come out on the right day…it’s too much. Plus, I don’t see the point, why was I trying to do this again? To say, yes I accomplished this? Is it reaching more people? I haven’t had any comments from new people. I have noticed I’m getting more Spam. I’ve been spending so much time trying to keep up with my writing, I haven’t had the time to read other people’s post. I’d rather spend my time keeping up with my friends.
2 – trying to lose weight. Yeah, I feel like I gave this up months ago, and probably did, but while I’m feeling this crappy, and so much of my nutrition is going right through me or coming back up…I’m not going to be too weight conscious. (however, every time I look in the mirror I think…who is this fat person? *sigh*)
Look at the pictures below, one was taken January 2010, the other was taken July 20th, 2011. See how much fuller my face is? And I’ve gained weight since the latest picture was taken. (you do not want to see the rest of my body…I’ve gone from a size 8 to a size 16.) *sigh again* But how do you lose weight while lying in bed, and can’t cook? Plus I have this little thing that keeps whispering in my head..”if you eat something you’ll feel better.” How do I get rid of that?
I know, many of you will say, there isn’t much difference, but in the photo taken in July, I was trying to not show how large I am. I had my head tilted up, to take away my double chin, I had my hair partially on my face…on the left I weight 147lbs. on the right I weighed about 182lbs. I now weight 190lbs. The heaviest I’ve ever been. *I literally sighed again*
3 – who ever is holding this vertigo, and headache pain over me…I just want to say…I give up! What ever you want, I give! Just please stop. (Don’t worry my friends, I’m OK, I know it’s just my lot in life right now, a season some might say, it’ll pass, I’ll make sure of it.) I’m learning so much about me, friends, chronic illnesses… I’ve decided to take this time that I’m feeling crappy to just reflect, and reevaluate what is most important to me and possibly change my priorities.) One thing I know for sure, I want to live every day I feel better to the fullest! Live in the moment!
4 – I give up on trying to go to parties, or noisy restaurants, or any place that’s noisy. Let’s just say, I give up on trying to hear in noisy situations, and getting so frustrated, and feeling so isolated because of it. One on One, or Small Groups are better anyway.
Now for an update on how I’m feeling:
Since Wednesday I’ve had a constant feeling of vertigo…no not the major throwing my guts up attack kind, but every time I move my head…Whoosh! And if I close my eyes it feels like I’m moving. Sleep has been very hard. But I did get a few hours last night. If my head would stop hurting I’d probably be able to get more. My head, oh my aching head! My head hurts so much. My neck hurts. It’s hard to turn my head…that’s probably a good thing since it makes me dizzy, but it hurts. (Oh, did I mention it hurts??!! And nothing I’ve taken for it touches the pain.)
I’m having a lot of GI distress for the past few days too. If I were running a fever I’d swear I had the flu…at least I’m not that achy. (except, did I mention my head and neck really hurt? …. yeah, I guess I did.)
I finally realized exactly what was so very different from this past attack than previous ones (yes a few things were different, but I think this is pretty strange.) Normally my vertigo spins clockwise, this time I was spinning counter-clockwise. I remember distinctly how the TV was falling to the left, and the vent on the ceiling was moving to the left. Isn’t that strange? I know it probably doesn’t mean anything, I just thought it was strange.
Anyone else notice how they spin? Clockwise or Counterclockwise. I have a friend with Ramsey Hunt Syndrome and she told me she always spins counterclockwise. (but, I don’ t think she has extreme vertigo attacks like those of us with Meniere’s…but I’m not sure, I’ll have to ask again. However, we all know, even minor vertigo can cause great distress.)
To conclude, many people say to never give up, but when you have a chronic illness you have to realize there are things you simply need to give up. Things are different now. I used to have a very hard time telling people “No”, now I often say “maybe”, and often I have to say “no”. I must decide, is it worth the consequences. Will I feel worse afterward? Will I feel isolated because I can’t hear? Will I be in a safe place if I have an attack? There are many things to think about now, I can’t just say, “sure, I’ll do that”. I have to do what is best for me physically, and mentally. (as some may say, I need to really think about how I’ll use my spoons.)
Stress makes most chronic illnesses worse. Even good stress. I have to remember that, and choose accordingly.
How has having a Chronic Illness changed your priorities?