Chonic Pain/Ilness Photography 2015 Project Week 2

On May 13, 2015May 13, 2015 By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, Photography4 Comments

The second week of the Chronic Pain/Illness Photography Project I have been participating in on Facebook has been amazing. The people who are contributions and contributors are amazing. This has become so much more than just sharing photographs, we are sharing our deepest fears, pains, joys, loves….our lives. The support that has been given and felt is nothing like I expected from a Photography Project. The project has been consuming. When I’m not working on the theme for the day, I’m looking at contributions, reading stories, commenting, sharing….when I’m not actively working with the project I’m often thinking about the people, or a certain entry that has touched me. This project will touch me forever. I hope you enjoy my interpretation of this weeks prompts…..

Day 8 – Affirmations

I try to live a mindful life. These quotes help me remember to live in the now, and remember that my body, just as it is right now, is just fine (I’m only human).

I also try to remember to be gentle with myself, I’m the only me I have. (I have a habit of beating myself up a bit, expecting more out of myself….my doctors, and my husband have often told me to give myself a break..I’m learning to.)

The photo on the left I took of my toes in the ocean, with a quote by James Baraz –
Mindfulness is simply
being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different.
Enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes. (which it will)
Being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way. (which it won’t) – James Baraz

On the right, a photo my husband took, with a quote by Pema Chodron –
Realize that this very body,
with its aches and its pleasures….
is exactly what we need to be fully human,
fully awake, fully alive.

Day 9 – Support.

The greatest Support I have is my husband. This photo is from our wedding. When we got married, 10 1/2 years ago, I was sick, but not nearly as sick as I have been in the last 5+ years.
He had no idea what he was getting into, but he has always been my greatest support. He is always by my side, always holding me, understanding when I am a complete bitch to him, helping me with the most humiliating task, watching me go through numerous painful medical tests and treatments….he is the only one bringing home any finances, and he also cooks, cleans, takes care of our pets and me.
I feel he has sacrificed so much to give me the best life possible.

He says I am his support, that I am what gets him through the day, I am his inspiration….He tells me he was a selfish person before me, that he strives to be a better person because of me, he tells me that nothing he does is a sacrifice because he’d rather be with me, than do anything without me. How can this be? How can he give me so much, and still think that I am an equal in this relationship?

Our relationship gets better and better. (we did go to therapy to help deal with me losing my independence and understanding how to deal with a chronic illness. The therapist I went to, and soon asked my husband to join the sessions, works a lot with people with chronic illnesses.)

Our relationship is really my biggest support. Together, we can do this.

Day 10 – Comfort

Comfort comes in all shapes and sizes for me.
When I first thought what I reach for first when I need comforting, I thought of my Monkey. I got him right before I first started getting really sick. He has seen me through a lot. He not only cuddles with me, but he makes a great neck pillow, a lumbar support…ect. I take him just about every where. Yep, this grown woman takes her stuffed animal to the hospital with her!My painting of Buddha meditating represents my mindfulness practice, and meditation. Mindfulness practice has been a great comfort to me. I think it has helped me more than most medical treatments. I have also begun to study the Buddha’s teachings in the past few years and this has also been a great comfort to me.

The photo I took of the wild flower with the little bee on it is comforting to me because it reminds me to appreciate the little beautiful things I see, and not get so caught up in all the pain and suffering. It reminds me that life is constantly changing, just as the seasons change, my life is changing….I take comfort in that.

Day 11 – Who I Was:

This was the hardest prompt for me to date. It brought up so many emotions. When I first read “Who I Was”, I thought, I’m still the ME I’ve always been, yes, I’m sick, but I’m ME….then I started looking at pictures…thank goodness I don’t have a lot of photos of the “before” pictures on my computer. This brought up a lot of emotions. Emotions I thought I’d dealt with a long time ago. But grief isn’t linear, and right now, I’m grieving a bit for some of the old Wendy…..this just touches on some of the old me…A little of Who I Was….
top left: a selfie with (my then boy friend) now hubby – a little sexy thing. I miss feeling sexy, or being able to have sex without pain, or being able to have a normal sex life….no, to be honest, I really miss having a wild sex life! I finally met the love of my life, and not long afterward my sex life was ruined. I’m not that me any more.top right: I’m in the front on the left. This is a birthday party for one of our old friends. This was a normal occurrence before I was sick. I was social, I entertained. I went to museums and art shows and parties…… I had a lot of friends. I’m not that person any more.

bottom left: Me on the left with a friend at the NC State Fair. I was spontaneous, I could run, and jump, and play….I loved playing with kids. I was FUN. (sometimes I still am, but it’s hard..it sure isn’t spontaneous, and I pay for it afterward) I used to do these things without fear. I can’t do that any more. The now Wendy is full of fear.

bottom right: Me cooking…well baking…well, enjoying the products from baking…haha. I love to cook. I love everything about it. I have fructose malabsorption, I’m allergic to wheat, I’m hypoglycemic…..ect… These things, well yeah, I’m sick with it, but it didn’t matter much except when eating out, because I loved to cook! It was just a challenge. I loved to play with ingredients and learn to make new flavors with the foods I can eat. I had a gluten free food blog with close to 2,000 followers. Suddenly my balance issues got too bad. I was having too many accidents in the kitchen. I can’t cook now. I really, really miss this….this is one thing I hope I can get back. I can’t drive either, but I’d rather be able to cook than to drive. And I live in an area where I can’t really get anywhere without being able to drive.

Day 12 – Motivation

LIFE – My little flower represents life….even when it isn’t supposed to be there.

Much of what I’ve already posted are motivators to me, however, I think the thing that motivates me the most is life. I want to live my life. It may not be the life I expected, but it’s still my life. I’ve learned to change those expectations…and simply live day to day.

I read something recently that stuck with me.
Sometimes the best way to motivate yourself is to stop trying to motivate yourself. (That really hit the nail on the head with me. Sometimes I have a hard time getting motivated, especially when I’m depressed. Sometimes I just have to act.)
You do not need motivation to act.
You do have to make a conscious decision to act.
The action could be big or small.
It may not turn out the way you want.
How you feel about that is irrelevant.
(OK…that part is really hard. for me this part means, being ok with how things are, no matter what happens.)
Actions move you forward.
Waiting for motivation keeps you stuck.
What you do with this information, you do in this moment.
The decision is always up to you.
(this came from a website called mindfulness over matter)

I also have to remember to always be gentle with myself and forgive myself if things don’t turn out as I planned. If I can’t get motivated or even act on something sometimes, it’s ok, forgive myself and move on. Give myself a break.

Day 13 – Challenges

Whew – To sit down and think of all the challenges I face each day, I couldn’t sum it all up here. It was difficult to pick what to share with our group.

In the center of my collage you will find a lot of spoons on the floor. If you are acquainted with the spoon theory you will probably understand this immediately. If not, I recommend you read it, you can find it here: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/ I haven’t been the biggest fan of the spoon theory myself, because there are many days I have no “spoons” and I still do things, sometimes you just have to push through it or you don’t make it to that doctor’s appointment you made 3 months ago (yes, I’ve still had to cancel those way too many times). But for me this represents all the challenges I face on a day to day basis that take every bit of my energy, or that I have to get up all my courage to do (like take a bath or shower) that normal people have no problem with.

From there we will go from top left to right around to the bottom left.

Selfie of my incision after one of my ear surgeries. This represents the challenge that I’ve had many surgeries on my ears and they are still ruling my life. Between the vertigo and the lack of hearing, causing me to shy away from social interaction and have fear almost every moment of the day that I will be attacked by my own head and lose control of my body.

The next photo represents one time I had vertigo when in public and was stuck in a parking lot of over 4 hours, I was 1 mile from my home. I finally got my husband to get me home, I ended up having a violent attack for over 9 hours. I thew up most of this time and lost control of all bodily function. It is a huge challenge to get over my fear of having vertigo in public and just go out, and it is a huge challenge swallow my humility and allow my husband to take care of me and clean me up when I have soiled myself.

The last on the top row, another selfie, represents my challenge of living with Bipolar I disorder. I have been mostly stable for about 20 years, but it is still a challenge. I have to be very dilligent about taking my medication and taking care of myself. I have to really pay attention to my body and my mind. If I notice any symptoms returning I need to get in touch with my doctor immediately. There is always a chance the medication my stop working. Having Bipolar I is classic Manic Depression, and it is very challenging.

The middle row left is a do not disturb sign from a trip my husband and I took before we were married. This represents the challenges I have having sexual relations with my husband. If anyone wants to talk about this, I will be more than happy to. I know this is something that is very hard to talk about, but it is very important to break down that barrier. You are not alone.

On the middle left top is a self portrait of me painting. This is a big challenge now. I can paint, but I get confused. There are many days I simply can’t paint due to pain, but I also have a hard time with subject manner and style. I feel more empty inside about my art. I would like to put my illness on canvas to get it out, but I just can’t. I’ve done a couple of commission pieces, but I have to have no deadline. It’s simply a really big challenge. My doodles make me happy, at least I’m doing something.

Just below, you will see my arm with many hospital bracelets on me. This is actually from my last visit to the hospital. This represents the challenge of having to go to the hospital so much. To so many doctors. To owe so may hospital and doctor bills that only my husband can pay. To me it even represents fighting for disability.

On the lower left you will find my Headache Pain Scale. This represents the challenge I have always found in telling doctors how I feel. I don’t feel that doctors really understand patients a lot of the time. I’m lucky I have many good doctors. I’m also lucky that I have the kind of insurance that if I don’t have a good doctor I can fire them. (and I have) But finding a doctor who really understands is a challenge. (also not being able to hear makes it hard for a doctor to make himself understood to me….we definitely can have communication troubles.

The last photo on the bottom left represents the unknown. They have come to the point that they have told me that they don’t know what is wrong. We know I have a vestibular illness, probably more than one, but they don’t know what. I have been told for many years I have Meniere’s disease. I have been through more tests and treatments than you can believe, now I’ve been told, they can’t do any more. I’m stuck with the unknown. There are other conditions they don’t know about, the Avascular Necrosis in my hip, they don’t know if I will get it in other joints….good chance. Some doctors have said that other diseases I have may all go together, other doctors say no? I think my body may hate me. The photo is an x-ray of my hip on the left, and a photo of my ear on the right that I have manipulated beyond recognition.

These are some of the challenges I face. Sorry I couldn’t keep it shorter

Day 14 – My Body

It’s cute….but very fragile.
(note, I could never get in this position, not now, but I used to love yoga, I could have…)

*this is a straw wrapper version of me, created one day when I was playing with the wrapper from my hubby’s drink.

As you can see the Chronic Pain/Illness Photography Project has become much more than sharing photographs. Everyone in the project is sharing a part of their soul. I feel so honored to be a part of this project. One week to go…..

I Didn’t Expect

On April 27, 2015 By WendyIn Avascular Necrosis, Chronic Illness, Hip Replacement, Pain, stress5 Comments

I didn’t expect the depression I’m feeling….

I saw the signs, I have so much going on, there are so many outside reasons….but I’m struggling….this is why I’ve been away so long, why my blog has been suffering, why I simply haven’t.

Today, I’m going to write, I have too much to write about, I am overwhelmed by how much I have to write about, but I need to…..

I didn’t expect to have vertigo almost all day the day before surgery.

I didn’t expect to have vertigo in the waiting room right before surgery.

I didn’t expect the intense pain after my surgery. During surgery the back injury that just got better was aggravated. I was not just dealing with surgery pain, the pain I expected, I was dealing with the back pain and severe sciatic pain. To make it worse, I couldn’t move to make the back and sciatic any better. I was stuck, in so much pain. We could not get this pain under control. I have issues with pain medication. Everything makes me hypersensitive, I feel like things are on me, it makes me itchy. So I was only prescribed Tylenol and Tramadol. This didn’t do it. They tried to put me on my side to help, this caused me so much pain I swear I wasn’t even in the room it was just pain. Luckily, it didn’t last long. I decided I’d rather itch. They tried Hydrocodone. nothing. I don’t know what all was tried. at 2am they tried Toradol, this is a NSAID given by IV or injection. I’ve had it for my migraines before. This finally worked. Probably in conjunction with everything else. I finally fell asleep. Only to be awoken at 4am to have my blood drawn. Then at 6am for something and at 7am because shifts changed….it was an exhausting. But I have to say, the night nurse who was trying to help me was absolutely wonderful, I couldn’t have asked for better care.

I didn’t expect to have low blood pressure, a magnesium deficiency, and have to stay another night.

I did get out of bed the first day and walk a little, I was told I did great. (the intense pain hadn’t started yet) I had my morning Physical Therapy on the second day and did well, even though I was a little dizzy. I didn’t expect to have a vertigo that afternoon. During my vertigo attack I had 3 different people come to work with me, including my Physical Therapist. No afternoon PT, no going home. They also had to make sure my pain was under control before I went home. It was better that night…but I had to sleep in a recliner, glad we bought one for me the right before I had my surgery. (ugly thing) I didn’t expect to HAVE to sleep in a chair for many nights after I got home. I didn’t expect to cry from the pain so much, after my surgery.

I didn’t expect my sister to come and help. I am very grateful. I didn’t expect it to be so hard for Stuart to stand back and allow someone to help. He said he’s just used to doing it, it’s hard to ask someone else to do things. Yep, I know that feeling. It’s very hard to ask others to do things. Especially, for me to ask for the little things. It’s hard to ask for things like something to drink, or a snack, to reach something for me, to get me a blanket if I’m cold….ect. Yep, I’m having a hard time asking for things too. I’ll ask for someone to go to the store, or do some laundry, things like that…..but it’s the little things that get me. It makes me feel so helpless. Eh…I guess I am. (I feel pretty weird having anyone other than Stuart do private things for me too…that is one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with…one of the hardest)

I didn’t expect to have vertigo every day since my surgery.

I didn’t expect for Stuart to have to take off a second week from work. (I think he got in a little bit of work the second week…but not much.)

I didn’t expect…..

I didn’t expect to have a death in the family two days after my surgery. It was my extended family by marriage (my cousin’s daughter’s husband), I didn’t know him personally, but the circumstances of his death were hard….so very sad. He was young, in his late thirties. He was EMT on his way to work and pulled off and parked at a gas station, they found him slumped across the steering wheel dead. The autopsy has been inconclusive. There are still test out, but they don’t expect to find anything. They will probably have no idea why he died. They also found out a lot about him that his wife had no idea about, it is very, very sad. It also makes you think…..and think….

I didn’t expect for one of my father’s friends to die the next day. I knew him growing up. He worked with my father, they used to Barbeque (or barbecue in some parts) together. When I say Barbeque, I mean Southern Barbeque; a huge hog in a pit, slow roasted all night long….oh my it is good. We used to have picnics and things over at his farm. He let me touch my first cow, it was much softer than I thought it would be. He was 12 years younger than my father. As you get older you see more and more friends die, I wonder if my father is having a hard time with this? I’ve noticed he goes to a lot of funerals. That’s a subject that would be hard for me to broach with him.

I didn’t expect my friend Laurie from Hibernationnow’s Blog to die on April, 21st. She caught the flu in February and that just snowballed into more and more, she just got sicker and finally her body couldn’t take it any more and she died. I’m in complete in shock about her death. I keep looking for updates to her blog in my email. I look for her to chat with me on Facebook. I heard from her in some way nearly every day. It may not have been personally, but I always knew she was there. Now she’s not. Just like that….suddenly her voice is gone. Her thoughts are not in my life any more. Laurie fought fibromyalgia, she was quirky in ways and loved the color yellow, she loved the ocean, writing, and most of all her family. We were both foodies, and we both lost a dogs who left huge holes in our hearts, and later we both adopted rescue dogs who took over a new place in our hearts. The one thing we disagreed the most about was our feelings about the chef Alton Brown. She hated him, I love him…..it was quite a debate on one of her post! I will miss you Laurie. All the support and love you gave me, and our friendly banter. May you be pain-free in a nice warm place near the ocean taking a walk with your father.

I didn’t expect my dearest friend’s mother to die this week. She has been battling Amyotrophy Lateral Sclerosis (ALS, otherwise known as Lou Gehrig’s disease) for the past 9 months. I’m actually relieved she didn’t have to live in her body with her mind fully aware without being able to communicate with anyone for very long. I loved Kathy very much. I wanted so much to be there to help care for her. I wanted to be there for my friend and help her through this difficult time. Now I can’t be there for her again. The death of her mother is going to devastate my friend. She was closer to her than anyone. They talked daily. They were best friends. Her mother’s illness took a toll on the family. Yes, she will have a lot of people around her, but I know she needs her best friend. It is extremely hard not to be able to go. I am so tired of feeling useless. But this should not be about me, it should be about Kathy. She was such a strong woman. A single mother, raising 3 children mostly by herself. She was so generous and kind. She worked so hard and hard and hard….and she gave and gave and gave. This probably gave her more joy, but from my view I wish she had been able to take more time for her. She was just about to retire when she got sick. I know Kathy did have a good life, and celebrated life, but I also know she was looking forward to slowing down and just enjoying her grand children. Please don’t put off living until tomorrow. Kathy was one of the best people I knew. That sums it up pretty well.

I didn’t expect writing this post would make me feel better.

4 days…….What if?

On April 10, 2015April 10, 2015 By WendyIn Avascular Necrosis, Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease9 Comments

Surgery is in 4 days.

I’ve been very nervous about a few things, mostly my vertigo and how it will affect my recovery. I don’t like not having a plan. When I don’t have a plan, I get scared. I don’t like to admit fear. I’m not nervous about the surgery itself. I’m not nervous about normal hip replacement recovery. I’m nervous about what I’ll do if I have a vertigo attack right after surgery. What will I do if I can’t roll over on my left side if I have positional vertigo and the only way it is relieved is by lying on my left side?……I’m afraid of falling…….I’m afraid of how I’ll bathe …..

Then I really sat down and faced my fears….What if?

drawing by me....haha — drawing by me….haha

Really, what if these things happened, what is the worst that would happen?

About having positional vertigo….I can’t lie on my left side….ok, maybe it will be relieved by just turning my head to the left while lying on my back, or tilting it to the left while sitting up, or maybe twisting my upper body will do it? If not, well golly, when I have vertigo from a Meniere’s attack I can’t get relief, and I live through it, I’ll live through it. I won’t like it, but I’ll survive. There is a maneuver that can be done that will stop the vertigo when I have BPPV, it does involve turning me partially on my left side for a bit, but I think it can be adapted. I’ll just have to deal with it. That is the biggest thing isn’t it. I will deal with it.

About having vertigo while walking…or having a drop attack….Well I sure can’t control that! If it happens, hopefully I can fall well. Oh, I just giggled, I couldn’t help it. I really do try my best to fall well on a day to day basis, and I do a pretty good job of it, I’ve only broken one bone!! No concussions! (Honestly you have no idea what a feat that is!!) I don’t know how to fall well right after a hip replacement. However, I am going to make sure I know how before I leave the hospital. I’ll have the physical therapist show me the best way to move my leg if I fall. Maybe if I fall I can do that, if not….well hopefully my hip won’t come out of joint. If it does, we’ll deal with it. It isn’t ideal, but something I just can’t control, no matter how much of a plan I have. I can’t have someone with me 24 hours a day for over a month…or three….to walk with me, holding on to me, so that if I suddenly have vertigo of a drop attack they can catch me and help me. I’d still end up on the floor. OH…that’s another thing I’ll have to make sure I know how to do…how do I get up off the floor??? Guess that comes along with how to fall huh? I wonder how many people ask the PT….so, what is the best way to fall? hahaha “Well first, hold on to your walker for dear life!” *snicker*

I have to admit, I’m a little afraid about how to get in and out of the tub and taking a shower. Our bathroom is not ideal. It is not level. The tub is far from being level. I’ve never been able to stand in it to take a shower. My balance is simply not that good. I have only taken baths since we’ve been here. The only times I’ve taken a shower has been when I’ve gone to the pool….maybe I could just go to the pool a couple of days a week to shower. haha….yeah, that would work…considering I’m not getting aqua therapy any more, I’m sure they would let me just come in and use the pool plus it’s a about a 20 minute ride from my house….not the best idea, but it’s just a nice shower!!!! I’m curious if the shower seat is going to sit level. When you have a hip replacement you can’t bend your leg beyond 90 degrees, and you can’t put all your weight on that leg. so stepping in the tub is a no-no. I have to sit down and have a straight leg out and slide in the tub. They make a special seat for this, but our toilet is in the say. I have not figured out how to make this work yet, but I’m sure the physical therapist who comes over the day after I get home will be able to do it. I’m sure they have seen everything. Hey, I know, I’ll just sit on the seat with my legs out of the tub. Stuart can help wash the part that’s in the tub, and then he can wash my legs out side the tub. Yep that will work. hahaha. Hey, worst case scenario. We will work it out.

So…..What if?

What if?….. isn’t so scary now is it??

Surgery Date, and Vertigo

On March 17, 2015 By WendyIn Avascular Necrosis, Chronic Illness, Hip Replacement, Meniere's Disease20 Comments

I will be having my hip replacement on April 14th.

I admit I’ve had my surgery date since right after my last post, but I didn’t want to make a post that just said my surgery date, so I’ve been procrastinating. I’ve also been busy getting ready. There’s really a lot to do. Had to get blood test to make sure I’m not anemic. If I had been I would have needed to start a drug to build that up a month before surgery. Since I’m not, I still need to start iron supplements 2 weeks before to reduce the chances of needing a transfusion. I’ll soon be having the post-surgical mobility people come out to help set up our home so I’ll be all set up after surgery. For now there are certain things we know we need to do and are trying to get those things done. (like lift a chair for me, and the bed…) There’s just all kinds of things I have to do……

Aqua Therapy www.physiotec.ca — Aqua Therapy
www.physiotec.ca

Aqua Physical Therapy has been going well. It is magical. I get in the water and suddenly I can walk with no pain. I go from not being able to put weight on my leg without excruciating pain, to no pain! Amazing. Some of the exercises to hurt, can’t avoid that, it’s so different than normally being in physical therapy when you feel better and better as you go along. My pain is getting worse. We understand why, of course, but it’s difficult. However, I am getting stronger. I can do more repetitions on some exercises, can walk further, I just can’t certain exercises any more, and we have to change other exercises . She has mentioned how amazed she is at how much better my balance and vertigo have been. I noticed it too. When I first started going to the pool I was a woobly mess; the last session, on Thursday, I walked the length of the pool without having to have her hold on to me. That’s huge really.

On Sunday I woke up with vertigo. Just a moment and it was gone. I started to move and it was back. Ughumph. Back to my head on the pillow and it settled down. What the? I tried again. Same thing. So, I tried moving my head on my pillow….sure enough, if I moved my head a certain way the vertigo would start, fast! Oh it was BAD! Head back to neutral! Positional vertigo! I have no idea why. Normally when I have positional vertigo it is in conjunction with a migraine. So I took my migraine medication. It didn’t work. All day Sunday and Monday if I moved my head I was spinning. My only relief was to lie on my LEFT side. During the night on Monday it woke me up when I moved my head the wrong way in my sleep. I almost threw up in the bed. ughumph! Then I woke up on Tuesday still feeling very off. I was so cautious, I wasn’t sure I even wanted to attempt to move my head, I decided to just go to the bathroom. I hobbled to the bathroom with the help of my walker my head tilted to the side. In the bathroom I held on to the sink and straightened my head. No spinning. Good sign. I tilted it back. No vertigo! Really? I rotated it around …very…very…slowly…no vertigo. WOW. Yes I’m still very wonky and feel…well…off…but I’m not spinning! thank goodness.

What would this mean if it happened right after my surgery. Should I be thinking about this now? Really how can I NOT? I know I can’t change it if it happens. So, I have to think about it, I just do! I need to figure out a better way to handle this situation if it happens during my recovery. The only way that I was able to really stop the vertigo was to lie on my LEFT side. I’m having my LEFT hip replaced. I won’t be able to lie on that side for a while, at least not constantly for two and a half days. I’m not going to be able to figure this out right now, but I have to think about it. Getting up and down and keeping to the “rules” on how I can bend my hip was pretty darn impossible too. But that will have to be done. Hopefully that will be easier when I have a chair set up for me. Also being able to just lean to the left in the chair but not put all my weight on that side might would work better in a chair? If I have a bad attack and I can’t tell what way is up, or down, or left, or right….I have no balance at all….really, it is VERY hard to explain…there is no way I will be able to control how I fall in a situation like that. I’m not just dizzy, I have no clear vision at all, what I’m seeing is like a camera that is just spinning around and around as fast as it could be….and it doesn’t stop. I can’t tell what my body is doing. It’s not just what I’m seeing, my body feels as if things are moving too. When you are dizzy you feel a little off-balance. When you have vertigo at its worst you feel as if you are being tossed around. When I tell people I get vertigo, they often think I get dizzy. It isn’t the same thing. It’s funny, when I haven’t had vertigo for a long time and then I have an attack I forget just how bad it is. Not really….it is there in my mind….but my body forgets. It has to I think, for self-preservation. If it didn’t I think fear would control my life.

Imagine walking in your house when it looks like this, but it is moving, and you feel like everything is moving? — Imagine walking in your house when your porch looks like this, but it is moving, and you feel like everything is moving?

As it is now, my body handles it much better than it used to. As long as I’m in a safe place, lying down. I ride out most attacks pretty well, thanks to my mindfulness techniques, and a little help from medication. If I’m walking….that is terrifying. When this first started happening my head turned the wrong way when I was coming out of the bathroom and I started spinning fast! The walls moved, the floor moved, I grabbed the wall and held on! Luckily Stuart was right there. (I’m so lucky that normally when I need him most he is right there.) At this time my head tilted to the left and the world straightened. Oh, I had my head at the wrong angle….duh. I knew this was positional vertigo. Remember, living one moment at a time….without judgment.

Since this happened I think it showed me I can’t wait until it happens after my surgery to think about it. I have to think about it now. I am going to talk to my physical therapist, and the post op physical therapist about this. I’m lucky because my physical therapist who works with me in the pool is also a physical therapist who works with patients as soon as they come out of surgery to help them understand the right way to get up and down and stuff like that. She has already showed me some things so I’ve been practicing. I think that’s a great idea, that way I think I’ll be much less likely to goof up after surgery if I’m already getting up and down the way you are supposed to.

Not long now, and I will be in much less pain, but I’ll need to be careful. A few restriction that I think will be hard to stick to. I was talking to a new friend who had this done for the same reason a couple of years ago, and she said that it went so easily that it made it difficult to follow the rules for as long as they say….but it’s very important to do so. I’m going to try my darndest! I’m really good at following instructions, I think, why go through all of this and not follow the recommended instructions? I sure don’t want to mess up and end up having surgery again.

So, this time I think there is a bit of thinking about the future to be done. Not really thinking about it as in, worrying, or planning it out and being disappointed if it doesn’t happen….but making plans to be better prepared. That’s all I can do. I’m not going to fret about it. I will try to be as prepared as I can, that’s it. If things still happen and I end up falling and the worst happens, well then it happens. I will know I did all I could do to prepare. There’s a difference in living in the moment, not living in the past, not worrying about the future….that doesn’t mean you can’t make plans try to be prepared. However, if things go south, don’t get all out of shape, you tried to prepare, that’s all you can do. Keep being mindful. Take one moment at a time. Take care of yourself. That’s all you can do. That’s all I can do.

A Change.org Petition for Musicians U2 to Bring Awareness of Meniere’s Disease

On March 11, 2015March 11, 2015 By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease1 Comment

My friend at Sunshine and Chaos wrote a post I should have. As you all know, I have Meniere’s Disease…or “More than Meniere’s Disease”. Please sign this petition to bring awareness to this disease. thank you.

sunshine and chaos

Image via http://www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/p/we-need-your-help-please/

As many of you know, I have an inner ear disorder that forced me to stop working and eventually have to go on disability because the specialists do not have the tools to help me.

I am, sadly, far from alone in living and dealing with a disability and doctors being unable to help me get better and go back to leading a productive life.

To say that funding and research for inner ear disorders are woefully lacking is an understatement. As those with vestibular disorders know, the public does not realize how many people of all ages are afflicted with inner ear disorders.

I also believe that it will take the involvement of A+++ famous people to help bring a much greater awareness and understanding about vestibular diseases. This, in turn, would bring about more funding and research. One has only to think about the effect…

View original post 281 more words

Hip Replacement with Severe Balance Issues….this could be interesting.

On March 4, 2015March 4, 2015 By WendyIn Avascular Necrosis, Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease6 Comments

Today….what I learned at my doctor’s visit, my concerns, and how I’m preparing for everything.

I was really shocked when I saw the CT scan of my hip. Here’s a little quick sketch of what I saw:

As you can see, in late September I had a perfectly round head on my femur, it looks normal. The CT I had taken on February 13th, showed the femoral head collapsing. It is amazing how fast this condition has progressed. No wonder the pain has progressed so much. As my doctor said, I’m have a square peg in a round hole. My leg is now shorter than the other, it is throwing every thing off. The pain in the joint is very bad. I haven’t talked about it, but I haven’t been able to walk much. I can’t walk at all without a walker supporting my weight. I spoke to a new friend who has this in a number of joints and she said this pain is comparable to bone cancer. Wow. I don’t think mine is that bad yet. Some days I think it gets up there though, but not all the time. It does ache all the time, I hover around a 7, it never goes below a 5…and that is rare…it does spike to a 10, but I’m lucky it doesn’t stay there long. It is a very sharp pain when I move or try to put weight on it. I can’t take narcotics. They make me feel like things are crawling on me. I can’t take NSAIDS because I’ve had an ulcer. The most I can take for pain is Tylenol, and I don’t want to take too much of that, it can damage your liver. So, I meditate, and I really baby my hip. If I could take narcotics I could probably move around and do more. As it is, just the trip to the doctor on Monday left me in so much pain I didn’t sleep much on Monday night, and Tuesday was so bad I couldn’t get up long enough to get myself lunch. I simply couldn’t do it. Luckily, Stuart had gone to work very early and came home early, so I got something to eat and much help for the rest of the day.

I got a LOT of information from my doctor. He told me that many people could have received the same amount of steroids I did and never acquired Avascular Necrosis (AVN). Guess I’m just lucky. *grin* Some people may just have a predisposition to it. Of course, thinking back, I have had a whole lot of steroids. He also said this is progressing fast. There are some other treatments for this, but most are just stop gaps and you end up having to have a hip replacement anyway, and if your femoral head has lost it’s shape, like mine has, you can’t do most (if any) of them.

So, hip replacement is a GO! I don’t have a date yet, waiting for the appointment setter to call. I’m sure it will be a little while out, because of things that have to be done before hand. I have a whole packet of things to be done, things to help you understand more about the procedure and things that are going to happen afterward…..it’s very thorough. If that weren’t enough, there’s a class, yep a class to explain everything you may have questions about; the procedure, home health care, physical therapy…just about everything. Don’t know how I’m going to sit through a class without excruciating pain, but I’m going to try. Stuart said he’d go alone, but I think I should go.

There are a lot of people who have joint replacements, obviously, for them to have a class. They have really thought of everything. There will be a home health nurse that will come out twice a week to check my blood because I will be on coumadin to reduce the chance of blood clots. This has to be monitored closely. (often they just put people on a high dose of Aspirin, but again, I couldn’t do that because of the ulcer thing) A physical therapist will be coming to our home to work with me instead of me having to try to go out to physical therapy. My doctor said that PT is mostly just walking. There will be post op services coming out to help set up the house for us, if I didn’t already have one, I’d be getting a walker (I may be getting a new one if they can get me one that fits in the bathroom), a tub bench, and a 3 in 1 bed side toilet. I wondered what the 3 in 1 was, that means it works a bed side toilet, or railing to hold on to use your own toilet, or to use as a raised toilet seat. Funny thing, I have one of these back in Durham, Stuart got it a long time ago thinking it might help when I have vertigo, but it didn’t, if I could sit up, I could go to the bathroom. (you can’t really sit up when the world is spinning like crazy!) I’ll also get a grabby thing to help me reach things so I won’t bend my leg more than a 90 degree angle. Also, a special thing to help me put on my socks and shoes. Stuart laughed, both of those things have been his job for a long time. Due to my dizziness I can’t pick things off the floor, I was shocked that my doctor knew this! I haven’t been able to put on my socks and shoes since September. So this will be a relief for Stuart, and make me feel much more independent.

OH, I forgot to tell you more of what my doctor said about the surgery itself. I will be in the hospital 1 – 2 days. I won’t have anesthesia, that doesn’t mean I’ll be awake during the operation, but I won’t be put under a deep sleep. I’ll have a spinal block. So I won’t feel all icky, I won’t get sick, and I won’t have to worry about them putting a tube down my throat. It’s kind of cool. He told me that most people with this condition tell him that the pain they have now is instantly gone after the surgery. How cool is that? He said I will be sore from the incision but I probably won’t hurt worse than I do now. He said first off there will be a lot of local anesthesia that will take a few days to wear off and that’s when the incision would hurt the worse. He has been impressed that I have been able to tolerate this much pain without pain medication, so I think I’ll be able to do it. However, I won’t be babying this, I’ll be working it hard with the PT. So much more Tylenol. Maybe a Tramadol now and then, but even that makes me feel funny if I take it too often, but I can take it every couple of days. He said he will make my legs the same length….yay! He said I may out live my hip replacement. All I can say about that is…..life is unpredictable, so no biggie. I could get this hip replacement and get hit by a bus in a week. No one knows the future. *shrug*

I’m not afraid of this hip replacement surgery. I really haven’t been afraid of the surgery itself. I’m afraid of the hip replacement surgery in conjunction with the rest of my stuff. Having a severe balance disorder with sudden vertigo that comes on without any warning could be a very big complication to my recovery. As my doctor said, we can try to plan and prepare for everything, but this is something we simply can’t change. It’s something we have to hope luck will be with us.

I’m already a VERY CAREFUL person. I use a walker all the time. I stay close to walls so if I do have a vertigo attack I have something I can grab and try to fall easy, just slide down the wall. However, I still fall, OFTEN. I fell the last week in such a position that if I was recovering from hip replacement surgery there is no doubt I would have dislocated my hip and possibly fractured it. I simply let go of my walker to sit on the couch and suddenly got dizzy…..WHAM! This wasn’t even full fledged vertigo, this was just a tilt of the world. If I was hit with bad vertigo there would be no keeping my balance no matter how hard I tried. I can’t tell up from down the world is spinning so fast all around.

This is my concern. Recovering from hip replacement surgery with Severe Meniere’s Disease…or “more than Meniere’s Disease” what ever they want to call it. A severe balance disorder and sudden onset vertigo.

Perhaps I should get a Bubble Wrap Suit??? Too hot? Probably so.

Stuart is going to take time off to be with me during my time in the hospital. Of course, if he’s completely bored he can work while he’s there. My doctor said the room I’ll be in is big and has a day bed so Stuart can stay right there. Since I have a special diet, we can pack me up some food and they will warm it up for us there. He said he wouldn’t trust the hospital to get it right. Yeah, I wouldn’t either.

Stuart will most likely be able to work from home for most of my recovery period. At least for the most difficult part. We don’t know yet, because we don’t know when things will be, or how long it will be.

Going to get our house more prepared.

Not going to worry about my balance problems and my recovery. I can’t control the future, so no need to worry. Just be aware and extra mindful of every step I take. Prepare as much as I can….but worry….no. Be afraid…no. One moment at a time, right?

Chronic Illnesses, one comes up, another is put on hold….

On February 10, 2015 By WendyIn Chronic Illness16 Comments

I know, I haven’t posted in a while. I feel like all I do is the same old thing, talk about me, and how I’m falling apart….or how I’m dealing with my life and not falling apart. Hopefully the later more than the former.

Well, here I am again, writing about things going on in my life….I was writing a friend a letter and thought, I really should put this in a post. This is part of the reason I started a blog. It isn’t just for other people, it is for me. To get things out, and to keep up with things. Sorry folks, I hope you don’t mind sometimes just coming along for the ride.

Of course one of the main reasons I started this blog is to let people know they aren’t alone on this Chronic Illness journey. If you are anything like me, if you have one Chronic Illness, you have more….and things are always coming up…..so this is what’s going on right now……I’m a little overwhelmed…again. I’m trying hard to take it one moment at a time, then some times I’ll sit down and think about everything that is going on and just feel drained. Whew! Am I really stressed and just don’t know it?

I seem to always have something new come up and have to deal with it, then I have to put something else on hold. You will understand as I continue. I’m going to try to make this as short as possible.

I’ve had some bladder/urinary tract troubles. I’ve been to a few doctors for this, they run a urine test and it comes back clear, my blood work comes back clear. But I’m in severe pain. They will call it, bladder spasms, irritable bladder, non-infection cystitis….but they all say, they think I have Interstitial cystitis. I need to go to a urologist to be properly diagnosed and to get better medications to help with it, but there is no cure, and some people don’t react to the treatments. I’m lucky I don’t have severe flare-ups very often. However, I do have little flare-ups often. This has been a VERY SEVERE flare. I went to the doctor on Monday, February 2nd. Of course, everything was clear, but I felt I needed to go to make sure I didn’t have an infection. She did give me an anti-spasmotic and they helped get me through the rest of the flare.

This sweet doctor was scratching her head with me, she said, “You have a lot going on for such a young lady.” She kept saying, she couldn’t help but wonder if there wasn’t one thing that caused many of my issues. Some umbrella condition. You know I’ve never had a doctor say that to me before. I’ve had Stuart say it, and friends say it, people on my blog say it, but doctors, not so much. I couple of doctors have thought my migraines and Meniere’s may have a commonality but then they kind of ruled that out…maybe….kind of. I think I might just talk to her again. (she works with my new PCP)

On the way home from this doctor’s appointment I had a vertigo attack start. Got home and it was BAD. I’ll leave it at that. You all know how what a BAD vertigo attack is like. I didn’t keep up with how long it lasted. I know my appointment was at 12:30pm and she was on time, and I was finally able to fall asleep WAY after dark. I woke up sick again and it was about 11pm. I was so nauseous for 2 days. I’m not normally like that. Usually after an attack the nausea leaves me after a few hours. The anti-nausea meds work pretty well. This time, I was really sick for days. Ick.

On that Monday I was supposed to have my intake evaluation to start my physical therapy for my hip. This had to be rescheduled. They didn’t have anyone who could do this for TWO weeks. 1st thing that was put off because of something else going on with me.

The next day I had an appointment with a new neurologist at the Headache Clinic. I had to reschedule because I was simply too exhausted to even move my head, and too nauseous. I was afraid if I pushed it I would have vertigo again. Now my appointment is in March. *sigh* 2st thing that was put off because of something else going on with me.

I went to see a new Pulmonologist on January 30th. My breathing test came out good. I do not have COPD. That’s good to know. So why am I coughing up phlegm every day? EVERY DAY since October of 2012? Yes my breathing is better, but this coughing up stuff is gross. I get awful looks. People seem to think I have some horrible disease. I’m on 3 medications for Asthma that I take every day, and I have an inhaler, that I use often, and nebulizer. And my new doctor said, “I don’t know if you have Asthma.” What? He said he needs to see my old records. He also said that you can be clinically diagnosed as having asthma but they actually have to do a test to really diagnose you, and they often don’t do this test. A lot of people don’t want to do this test, they’d rather just be treated for the symptoms. Usually the symptoms present themselves so clearly that they are sure enough that they clinically diagnose it. That is what the doctors did with me. However, I was not presenting with the symptoms when he saw me. So he needs to see my records.

There is a possibility that my acid reflux may have something to do with this cough. So I need to have a barium swallow on Friday, February 6th . Oh wait….I was still too wiped out from the vertigo attack and in too much pain from the flare-up to be able to do this, so I had to reschedule to February 20th. 3rd thing that had to be put off because of something else that is going on with me.

I did finally get an appointment set up for the CT scan for my hip. It is set up for this Friday, February 13th. I will know soon if my hip does in fact have avascular necrosis. If it doesn’t I do hope this CT scan shows what the problem is, with all the pain I am in, I will be very disheartened if the doctor tells me he can’t find anything. (not that I’m looking forward to, or wanting, a hip replacement)

Trying hard not to think about what may be, just living in the now, and waiting for what will come. After all, none of my worrying about it will change anything.

Want to hear something really funny. After all of the things I’ve been through. All the crazy tests, all the things I’ve been told to give up….different foods and such (for example, I eat mostly whole foods, no refined sugar or gluten. I only drink water. I can’t eat onions, garlic, apples, pears….all kinds of foods…it’s challenging sometimes. But I have to use these food restriction of I get sick.) I have been told in the past to restrict my intake of chocolate because of migraines. Well, I found I could still have a square of dark chocolate now and then and it didn’t bother me. I just didn’t over do it and I was fine. Really, I could eat more and I didn’t have problems with my head, my tummy or bladder might not like it because of the caffeine, but my head was OK. But if I limited it to my little square I was good, all the way around. And I was a happy girl. I could still have chocolate.

Dark Chocolate image from medicalnewstoday.com — Dark Chocolate
image from medicalnewstoday.com

Then it happened. I had my square and immediately I got the worst migraine. Oh no! and my bladder started to scream! What? No!!!!

I waited a week. I tried it again. It happened again! NOOOOOO! Not chocolate!!!!

I literally cried!

I’ve given up so much.

my beloved apples.

dried fruit.

asparagus

onions and garlic

NOT CHOCOLATE!!!!

The moral of the story is….you can take away everything else from this woman, but chocolate is her breaking point!

Crisis over the Holidays

On December 31, 2014 By WendyIn Bipolar, Chronic Illness12 Comments

Oh no! What a time for a medication mess up!

I was loading up my pill-box for the week and only had 3 of my mood stabilizer…..hmmm, that’s not right?

So, I asked Stuart if there was a refill that hadn’t made it in my case. (I have a case where I keep all of my medications, then I load up my pill organizer every week, if there are not enough pills in the bottle to fill the organizer the next week then we order a refill….easy, peasy….medication is always kept up to date.) Stuart didn’t have any refills for me….uh oh. He said he’d look into it.

We are not using a mail order pharmacy. A new thing with our new insurance. If you have a prescription that is maintenance you have to get it from the mail order pharmacy. So, he goes on-line and it’s right there, with refills so he orders it, should be here within 2 days, no problem. Great!

Big Problem. 7 days later I realized the medication hadn’t come. How did I realize this? I was crying uncontrollably for no reason and let’s just say my moods were going crazy. My head hurt so much I thought I was going have to go to the ER. What was wrong with me??? Wait? “Stuart? Did my medication come in?”, “No?” That means I hadn’t been taking my mood stabilizer for 4 days. Rut Row!!

Stuart calls the pharmacy. Yes, the prescription had refills, 3 to be precise, but it was written as 3 one month prescriptions. They needed it to be one prescription for 3 months. So they had a call in to the doctor to change it. Oh my gosh! Did they think to call the patient to see if they needed the medication sooner than they would be able to get it to me by doing things this way? NO! Stuart told them that I needed the medication NOW, so they put ONE month worth in the mail and I got it the next day, that meant I was off of my mood stabilizer for FIVE days!

This is not a drug you just go cold turkey on. You don’t just stop taking it and not notice. There is reason you ramp up and off of these kind of drugs. Of course, this had to happen just a few days before Christmas…..as in, I got my new pills on Christmas Eve. Can you imagine the hell I have been going through? How have I managed this without going absolutely crazy? Well, I am crazy we know this…..hehehe (yes that is one way I deal with things like this….I try to keep a sense of humor…sometimes it works.) First, I knew how I felt was all because of this medication mess up. My feelings were not me. What was going on in my head was not me. Yes, this is very hard. I am lucky that I have a good friend who understands a lot of this and I emailed her a lot and she was wonderful. I’m also lucky that my husband listens and doesn’t get mad when I’m very unreasonable at times like this, he understands it is the medication. Yes, sometimes he does forget then we both look at each other and take a deep breath and say…..things will be better when the medication gets ramped back up.

Oh yes, that’s another thing, I have to ramp back up on this medication. I couldn’t just jump back on at the dose I was taking, I could have gotten very sick. So still, I’m not quite the Wendy I usually am. I won’t be for another week an a half. You have to ramp up on this medication slowly or you can get a very bad rash that is not a good thing.

I’m also dealing with this by trying to be mindful….yep there’s that word again. I’m trying to just focus on this moment. That has been VERY hard to do. I have gotten all caught up in the Holiday Hype, in my mind. Everywhere I looked people are telling you that you are supposed to be spending time with family and friends. Really, does the TV not make you feel like something is wrong with you if you don’t have a big family and a whole lot of friends to spend the holidays with? Oh I got so depressed. My family? Well let’s just say, I am so not a part of all of that now, but my mind goes to Christmases past when at times like these. Now that my medication is starting to work I’m just fine with how things are, I think it’s a good thing. But when it was all going on I was hurt, and sad and just feeling like my life was so not what it should be. We have no friends here so we were all alone, and I was thinking about how we were cheated out of not having children and well just everything……see where my mind can go when medication is not working???

Deep Breath here huh?

The past is the past.

I can’t change those things.

The only thing I have any control over is today.

Breathe. Just Breathe.

and this is how I live my life most of the time.

This is how I see things most of the time.

This is why I stay on my medication! *wouldn’t you?*

I have some good news!!

I’ve been off of the steroids for a good bit now and no bad vertigo! Yay!! I’m so thrilled! I have to say, I was a bit scared. I tried not to be, but I it was there….fear that the vertigo would start right back up as soon as the steroids came out of my system. So glad the fear was unfounded….see why we should live in the now and not try to predict the future?

I have started Aqua-therapy for my back/hip and I did great in the pool. The physical therapy in the pool is so much easier. I am really hoping it will help. I see the back doctor next week, we’ll see what he has to say. I have been very discouraged about my progress so far, but after just 2 sessions in the pool, I’m hopeful this will help. yay!!

Good news is, in just a short time, I’ll be starting the New Year all stable again.
I haven’t had a full-blown vertigo attack in a couple of weeks.
The aqua-therapy is going well,
and I’m going to making some plans to change a few things around here……so Picnic with Ants is going to have changes….they will happen slowly I’m sure as I’m not able to do things very fast….but we’ll see how it goes.

Here’s to a New Year!

May we all great it with love, laughter, and much good luck!

Tomorrow is my mother’s birthday.

I will be celebrating her life.

I’m very thankful for the 64 years she spent with us on this earth, especially the almost 30 she spent with me.

It’s just so hard sometimes…

On December 8, 2014 By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease, Vestibular Illness3 Comments

This is a stream of thought post. I just needed to talk and get some things out. So no fixing of grammar or anything. One thing I do want to say before you read this…..I’m not suicidal.

Is everything just so hard right now or is it the life through steroids?

I feel like I’m slipping away. I don’t know who I am half the time. I’m really not handling things all that well….yet in the next moment I am….then I’m not…then I am…then I’m completely melting down and that has been the last two days, and

I just feel like a weight is on me that I cannot lift and it is crushing me,grinding me down further into the ground past the point of breath….I’m buried alive….why, why cannot I still just not die.

Oh I am so ashamed to feel this way. I am just so tired. So tired of feeling the ups, the downs, the hope, the devastation when life kicks me in the gut over and over. And I can’t believe I’m actually writing these feelings out here where everyone can read them.

I do not feel like this. I don’t. This is not how I handle things any more. It has to be the steroids messing with me…it has to be….

But then…there has been so much loss lately…so much stress…and I found out yesterday that it is worse than I thought.

When you can’t hear very well…..let’s face it, I can’t hear at all without my cochlear implants on and working, and for a while now things haven’t been sounding right. So conversations with my husband have not been as communicative as they normally are. I have always been so proud of how our relationship has been so good, because we communicate so well. When you can’t talk a lot, communication seems to fail. He thinks I hear things I don’t. I think I hear things he said differently. And things simply do not get talked about. I’ve been feeling like we just talking much about stuff….and when we do, things just don’t get anywhere, we just get a bit frustrated because I don’t understand things….well…I really didn’t understand something, and I got really upset about it yesterday. I lost it, completely broke down, and I’m still spinning about it.

I thought our finances were doing ok. Not great of course. Tight. We do have a mortgage and rent and everything. But I thought we were ok, not in the negative ever month, being able to pay our bills…paying off credit cards….ect. We aren’t. We are still in trouble. I’ve been spending money recently. I’ve told Stuart when I was going to, or asked him….he didn’t say…”we really shouldn’t be spending”. No I haven’t gone crazy, but I’ve spent when I didn’t need to. We bought Christmas for our niece and nephew that could have cost half what it did. He said, “It’s what we would normally spend.” This makes no sense to me. I’m so distraught. He said….that in about a year we should turn the house over to the bank. What? and we can spend money on gifts??? I can buy things for me? NO. I knew we were in real trouble when Kiki started having diarrhea Friday night and Stuart said, “Oh Kiki please don’t get sick, we can’t afford it.” What? We discussed this before we got a dog. If we couldn’t afford a pet, we should not have gotten one. In my opinion, that is one of the worst things a person can do, and I know Stuart feels the same. (I know we would have found a way if Kiki would have needed to go to the veterinarian, but that comment really scared me.) We are in this situation because of me. We have not been able to sell the rest of the stuff out of the house, or get the house on the market because of me. No, the house may not have sold yet, but we are nowhere near even getting it ready. All because of me. I have gotten too sick for him to leave me alone to go to Durham and take care of things.

Now, how can I not feel guilt about being sick?? How can I not feel guilty for every doctor appointment I have? How can I not feel bad about every extra thing we have to spend because of my illnesses? How can I not feel bad about the trip we have to take to Duke….tomorrow?

We were talking about taking me to special clinics to look for more answers…..HOW could I even think of this??? I cannot allow my husband to lose everything for me. I cannot allow him to work so hard at his life and never be able to own another home, never be able to retire, never be able to do anything but take care of me! NO! I will die first. Please, please, let me die first. I simply cannot live with this guilt or with this lack of quality of life. How do you choose? How do you choose? Am I selfish and allow him to sacrifice everything for me, to help me…where it may end up there is no help, that I will end up just like this forever. Or do I stop it. and say enough. I accept that life will be like this.

I have ups. We’ve seen this, over and over. I have some good times. I had them not long ago. I went for over 4 months feeling so much better. Then I have times like this. Will I be like this forever, or will I have the good times again. Who knows. I cannot predict the future, and I have to stop making up the worst case scenario in my mind.

We have to get more stable financially before I can allow him to sacrifice any more. He does so much. He is so exhausted so much of the time. He doesn’t even see that it is because of me. At least he loves his job now. It is not draining him. He really enjoys it. I don’t worry about him so much there, but am I jeopardizing it? I hope not. Right now that is all I can do. I have to trust that his boss really is as understanding as he says he is. I have to believe. I know his hours are flexible….I hope they are as flexible as they are making them. He does a lot for me. They work around my appointments. Sometimes he leaves in a moments notice when I have an attack. He always gets in the hours, he gets his work done….he says that is all his boss is concerned about. But I am concerned. I do not want him to risk this job over me. (they did just put him in charge of a project, so they must believe in him, right?)

I have to be more involved in the finances and everything as often as I can. I have been hiding. I have not been able to handle the stress of it. I do not deal with instability.

I’m not dealing well with not being able to do anything. With not being able to help at all.

I’m simply not dealing well.

I do so wish we had some help. I wish someone would give us a maid for a day as a Christmas present. Or better yet, a maid service. We used to have one, got a great deal on Groupon, had a maid come in just once a month, and it was perfect. For this tiny place, I’m sure it wouldn’t cost much….well for some. But it would get the deep stuff done. Things that just don’t get done…..oh who am I kidding, a lot doesn’t get done lately. (I think that’s why Kiki got sick, she found something on the floor, I swear she’ll eat anything she finds!)

I’m tired. So tired. Between the spinning head and the aching back, sleep is hard. And now my brain will not shut off….I worry.

Please Please tell me I will be able to deal with this better again after I get off of these dang drugs! But then will the awful vertigo get worse again? I live like that either.

Why does it have to be so hard????

I did it Alone. Spinning another day…

On December 2, 2014 By WendyIn Meniere's Disease4 Comments

At a little after 6am Stuart was leaving for work and I woke up and decided to eat a little something and take my first steroid of the day.

I woke at 8am with my stomach hurting…ugh, steroids. Then I thought, “Oh good, it is better today, knock on wood”…and I really did! I took an antacid for my stomach and went back to sleep.

I woke up at 10am with horrible heartburn and spinning. sometimes you just want to cuss!

I thought, ok….slow. I can handle slow. I hope. I took meds and slowly, very slowly started to get up. Ah…let’s just lie here for a minute.

Try again….slow. VERY SLOW…. I feel like I’m walking on a merry-go-round, and it’s on a rocking boat….ugh…my stomach takes a lurch…it’s ok, just stop here for a second. Grab my walker….oh nice walker, I love you so much. slowly I get up…I am sure no one has ever seen anyone move so slowly. Once I am up, well kind of up, I am hunched over the walker with my head leaning to one side, I am doing pretty good. I start to head to the bathroom. WAIT…phone! I grab my phone, just in case. If I fall, I need to make sure I can get help. and off to the bathroom. I DID IT! I got to the bathroom ALONE! During vertigo! it was a very slow spin but I did it!!

I did it 4 times today!!! I have been slowly spinning all day!!! If I keep my head exactly still things are pretty still, but if I move, WHOOSH!

This morning I was very proud of myself. Not only did I get to the bathroom alone, I got in the kitchen, grabbed a banana, a couple of pancakes that were in the fridge and got back to the bedroom…got my CI’s….and things I’d need for the day (meds and such) and go myself to the couch. Once I went from the standing position I was in to sitting the vertigo went WILD! What on earth? who knows this is the most bizarre thing in the world, no rhyme or reason to me!

So I collapsed and tried to calm down…and hung on! Whew!

It slowed, and I was ok, but not great by any stretch of the imagination.

It’s about 11am by now. Stuart had an appointment this morning and texted to check on me. I told him I was spinning but I handled it, however, if he could stop by on his way back to work and help me get settled it would be great. So he did….and I sent him on his way! Even though I was not doing well when he left. It is now almost 4pm and I have done a good job of handling things today.

I’m proud of me.

I still want to share with you guys just how I got through some of the roughest parts this past month, and everything that went on in my head, and heart. Things I didn’t want to admit to. I was ashamed to admit I wasn’t handling things as well as I thought I would. But I got through it, and learned a lot along the way. Of course, I’m still going through it….so…we’ll get there.

One thing that really helped me get through all of this…..

So I feel bad about it…feel bad. That’s OK. Acknowledge it. Don’t feel so guilty about it. I don’t have to feel positive all the time. My positive go to attitude is still there, but it is perfectly fine to feel bad about this, to feel sad, angry, and well….just bad. I’m not going to wallow in it, I’m not going to get stuck in it, so I don’t need to beat myself up over it either. Accept it, and have some self compassion.

Things I should note today…. woke feeling better around 8am. Woke with vertigo at 10am. Had rotational vertigo all day, various degrees of spinning speed. Right side of face/head felt funny. (by this I mean, it feels thick). Had a migraine. Took a Maxalt, pain got better, but side of head sensation did not go away. *could some of the vertigo be migraine related? Ears feel full, but not as full as they have over the past few weeks. When I drink I can really feel the coolness in my right ear, it actually feels like water gets in my ear. there is not water in there if I feel in there, but it feels very strange. am I just noticing this because I’m hyper aware now?

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