I did it Alone. Spinning another day…

At a little after 6am Stuart was leaving for work and I woke up and decided to eat a little something and take my first steroid of the day.

I woke at 8am with my stomach hurting…ugh, steroids.  Then I thought,  “Oh good, it is better today, knock on wood”…and I really did!  I took an antacid for my stomach and went back to sleep.

I woke up at 10am with horrible heartburn and spinning.  sometimes you just want to cuss!

I thought, ok….slow.  I can handle slow.  I hope.  I took meds and slowly, very slowly started to get up.  Ah…let’s just lie here for a minute.

Try again….slow.  VERY SLOW….  I feel like I’m walking on a merry-go-round, and it’s on a rocking boat….ugh…my stomach takes a lurch…it’s ok, just stop here for a second.  Grab my walker….oh nice walker, I love you so much.   slowly I get up…I am sure no one has ever seen anyone move so slowly.  Once I am up, well kind of up, I am hunched over the walker with my head leaning to one side, I am doing pretty good.  I start to head to the bathroom.  WAIT…phone!  I grab my phone, just in case.  If I fall, I need to make sure I can get help.  and off to the bathroom.   I DID IT!  I got to the bathroom ALONE!  During vertigo!  it was a very slow spin but I did it!!

I did it 4 times today!!!   I have been slowly spinning all day!!!   If I keep my head exactly still things are pretty still, but if I move, WHOOSH!

This morning I was very proud of myself.  Not only did I get to the bathroom alone, I got in the kitchen, grabbed a banana, a couple of pancakes that were in the fridge and got back to the bedroom…got my CI’s….and things I’d need for the day  (meds and such) and go myself to the couch.  Once I went from the standing position I was in to sitting the vertigo went WILD!  What on earth?  who knows this is the most bizarre thing in the world, no rhyme or reason to me!

So I collapsed and tried to calm down…and hung on!  Whew!

It slowed, and I was ok, but not great by any stretch of the imagination.

It’s about 11am by now.  Stuart had an appointment this morning and texted to check on me.  I told him I was spinning but I handled it, however, if he could stop by on his way back to work and help me get settled it would be great.  So he did….and I sent him on his way!  Even though I was not doing well when he left.  It is now almost 4pm and I have done a good job of handling things today.

I’m proud of me.

I still want to share with you guys just how I got through some of the roughest parts this past month, and everything that went on in my head, and heart.  Things I didn’t want to admit to.  I was ashamed to admit I wasn’t handling things as well as I thought I would.  But I got through it, and learned a lot along the way.   Of course, I’m still going through it….so…we’ll get there.

One thing that really helped me get through all of this…..

So I feel bad about it…feel bad.  That’s OK.  Acknowledge it.  Don’t feel so guilty about it.  I don’t have to feel positive all the time.  My positive go to attitude is still there, but it is perfectly fine to feel bad about this, to feel sad, angry, and well….just bad.   I’m not going to wallow in it, I’m not going to get stuck in it, so I don’t need to beat myself up over it either.  Accept it, and have some self compassion.

Things I should note today….  woke feeling better around 8am.  Woke with vertigo at 10am.  Had rotational vertigo all day, various degrees of spinning speed.  Right side of face/head felt funny. (by this I mean, it feels thick).  Had a migraine.  Took a Maxalt, pain got better, but side of head sensation did not go away.   *could some of the vertigo be migraine related?   Ears feel full, but not as full as they have over the past few weeks.  When I drink I can really feel the coolness in my right ear, it actually feels like water gets in my ear.  there is not water in there if I feel in there, but it feels very strange.  am I just noticing this because I’m hyper aware now?

 

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4 thoughts on “I did it Alone. Spinning another day…

  1. Liked in a unliked way. I like that you are sharing what you’ve been going through; I don’t like that you are going through it! I understand ashamed, and the effect it can have on how you deal with your self and how you relate to others.
    Writing it out in your blog is like journaling — you are doing in public, though, rather than privately. This is brave! And shows how much you continue to care about “getting better,” whatever better might be — full recovery or less symptoms/attacks. I’m hoping for full recovery.
    You show be proud of yourself for what you have accomplished on horrible days. Stayed alone and dealt with as much as you could!

    Like

  2. yes, this is very much like journaling in public.
    I’m sure people will get tired of it soon.
    I’m very tired today.
    I may write some.
    should write a little, things I want to make sure not to forget.
    as I’m having a hard time writing long hand, this is easier….but probably really boring to some.

    one thing I kind of wonder…..where are the people who have Meniere’s?
    why do they read here, and reach out and ask so much and get support and then disappear.
    are they afraid they will become me?
    do I offend them?
    I’m kind of stuck with all of this. I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere.
    I don’t feel like I fit in with the Meniere’s people, with the deaf people, with anyone.
    I feel alone.

    and why do I realize these things as I’m writing?

    Like

  3. Wendy, I’m proud of you too. It is unimaginable to me what you go through.

    People just get caught up in their own lives, pain, suffering – has nothing to do with you. Don’t assume that because you are capable of being supportive others are also. Many simply are not capable of giving support.

    Like

    • Thank you Judith.
      I am also realizing that many people simply do not get it. I tried to explain this to someone recently and they just couldn’t grasp it….it will take them a while to understand. they kept making suggestion for how I could do things….no I can’t do that, it’s too dangerous. I can’t do that alone. I can’t do that….you don’t understand if I had an attack there what would I do? and….look at me, I can’t even walk straight? They were really trying to help me find a way to be a little more independent…but really, I’ve thought of these things. (she’s meaning well…a new therapist…first visit)
      So, unless someone reads my blog they really don’t get it.
      I don’t look as sick as I am.
      I don’t show pictures of me falling down or even with my walker.
      Stuart doesn’t tell people how this effects him.
      They don’t know…and those that do…you are right, some people just can’t give support.
      I think I’m jealous sometimes though when I hear people tell of their friends who come to see them, how their family does things for them…things like that.
      We really have no one. But then I think….we have each other. Some out there really have no one. Or they have a spouse who is very unsupportive. That would just kill me.
      so I am very grateful for what I have.

      I do know a lot of my emotions are steroid related right now. I’m feeling things much more intense and it is hard. I’m glad I know that.

      Thank you.

      Like

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