Your vestibular system is the ear part of how you balance. You balance with your ears, eyes, and your body/feet. My vestibular system doesn’t work so good, so vestibular therapy is going to teach me how to balance more with my eyes and feet.
When going into vestibular rehabilitation physical therapy last Thursday I had no idea what to expect, and to tell the truth I don’t have any idea what to expect at my next appointment, but I know it won’t be easy.
Ryan is my therapist (I may see another therapist at some point, there are 2 vestibular therapist there, but I would prefer to keep seeing Ryan, because I can hear him pretty well, and he is understanding about how to talk to me so it is easier for me to understand him), I’m impressed with him so far…very impressed. I’ve never had anyone be so aware of my condition and so understanding. No one.
He did a number of tests on me, said some things we need to work on…like the fact that my ankles don’t bend far enough. Ankle flexibility and strength seem to be very important. Of course that makes perfect sense when a huge part of your balance comes from your feet.
I told him my experience of having BPPV for 11 days this past summer but by the time I got in to see the doctor it stopped the day before, the doctor didn’t want mess with it then for fear of starting it again, so they didn’t actually do the test. I explained that since then I’ve had trouble turning over in bed, and at other times, but I’ve been tested twice since then and it was negative. He tested me…it was positive…it was slight, but it was there, he also listened to me about when the symptoms started, he didn’t just look at my eyes and when it didn’t start jumping around immediately say, you don’t have BPPV. He really listened and payed attention. He then did the Epley Maneuver on me and I feel so much better. (I want to note here that the Epley Maneuver does not treat every type of BPPV.) I will probably need to be treated again, but not being jarred awake by spins when I turn over is wonderful. I get a tiny bit now and then, but it doesn’t wake me up. Happy Dance!
There was a point in the test where he had me stand and close my eyes..I was VERY nervous….meaning inside I was freaking out, he asked me to take a step and I…well I just couldn’t! He encouraged me and told he he had me and I wouldn’t fall (in my mind I thought, “yeah, this little guy is going to catch this big old woman…in his dreams!”. Out loud I broke into tears and said, “I don’t do the dark.” I should have explained, I’m not really that afraid of falling, yeah I might get hurt, but that isn’t nearly as scary to me as the vertigo, and the dark can trigger vertigo…I don’t do dark.
My anxiety is so high. That is so not a good thing. Anxiety can cause vertigo. Vertigo causes anxiety. There’s a bit of a Catch 22 there isn’t it? I have noticed I do not like it when someone says that I’m anxious. (Yep, he said that) I get defensive. I want to scream, “If you had this would you not react like I am?” I feel like being anxious is a negative thing, therefore they are telling me that I’m not dealing with this as well as I could. I know I’m much more anxious than I used to be, panic mode, almost constant fear…it’s hard, really hard. (No, I have not been keeping up my mindfulness practice, and yes I started meditating again this week.)
It was a fairly long intake appointment, all the testing, background questions….he was surprised I hadn’t had this kind of therapy before. That’s because, most of the people he sees have not been living with a vestibular disorder for this many years before getting vestibular therapy for the first time. *scrunchy face*
He warned me that this isn’t going to be easy, that I will probably be nauseous a lot, but if I can hang in there it can really help.
My homework…when I got there he noticed that I don’t move my head much when I walk, so my homework has been to look around. Open my visual range, turning my head. Of course, always using my walker.
I had a pretty big vertigo attack that started on the way home, and I felt horrible the whole next day. I even fell down, I’ve only fallen once since my hip replacement until now. (Really I kind of slid down the wall, I felt myself getting really bad, so instead of trying to race to a chair or something, I leaned on the wall and just slid down. I’ve found that to be pretty safe.)
I’m trying to do my homework and look around, but it’s hard, moving my head really makes me sick.
I go back on Thursday, yep tomorrow, we’ll see how it goes.
He wanted to see me twice a week, but we asked if I could go once a week with homework. Hubby has to take me everywhere and I’m trying to reduce the amount of appointments. His work hours can be flexible, but it’s much better if he works somewhat normal hours, and I don’t want to exhaust my poor husband, being a caregiver is hard. Ryan said that he would give me plenty of homework!
He walked in the room with his too big smile, shook my hand and told me something about the test…that didn’t make a lot of sense. He said that it showed that I had reduced cochlea function in both ears. That at my age he would expect it to be a 21, but my right ear is a 4 and my left is a 13. I asked…”What does this mean?” He said that it meant that my cochlea wasn’t working as it should in my ears…well duh. I repeated, “Yes, but what does that cause?” “It means you have vertigo. And you might have this thing called Meniere’s”
WHAT?? I MIGHT HAVE WHAT? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? YOU DON’T REMEMBER ME? YOU DIDN’T LOOK AT MY CHART BEFORE YOU CAME IN THE ROOM?
Okay, another reason that whole thing was weird….cochlea function refers to hearing. My cochlea is not going to show up working on any test, I have cochlear implants, I have a device in my head that is coiled around my cochlea that vibrates so I can hear. It doesn’t work on it’s own. And the tests I were given doesn’t even test that. But the numbers he gave me do correspond to the main test that I was given. That was just so weird.
He also talked about a hearing test I had last February, I told him I didn’t have a hearing test last year. He argued with me and pointed to the computer and said, that it said the tests showed my right ear had severe to profound hearing loss. I looked at him and took off my Cochlear Implants and showed him and said, “I have Cochlear Implants, why would I get a hearing test? However, I do have some residual hearing in my right ear, but…” and he interrupted me and said….”That’s impossible, if you have Cochlear Implants, you can’t have any hearing…blah, blah.” Stuart tried to explain to him that with the newest CI’s you often keep any hearing you had…he still argued. Dang-it, I think I know if I can hear or not! When I told him that I wouldn’t need a hearing test I saw the nurse point out to him that the date on the hearing test was not from 2015. It was 2014, shortly after my CI surgery….of course he didn’t put that together, that I can hear out of my right ear, a little bit. And he did not admit to us that he got the date wrong. It’s also very sad that the audiologist that gave me the test knew that the new CI’s are often allowing people to keep some of their residual hearing, she was not surprised that I can hear a little out of my right ear. (I want to explain, I can only hear a certain frequency, I can’t hear much. For example, I was sleeping through the fire alarm at the hotel in December, yet Stuart said it was hurting his ears. So it isn’t much hearing, but there is some there.)
Finally, I got tired of dealing with him. I asked him a couple of questions, which I don’t really trust the answers to now, then I said, “So the plan is, I start Vestibular Rehab, I keep working with my migraine doc to get the migraines under control, keep up the low sodium diet, and taking the Valium twice a day. After I go through the Vestibular rehab we will talk about the gentimiacin injections. That’s the plan.” Then I stuck out my hand to shake his. In my mind he was dismissed. He just had that plastered on smile like he had the whole time, and shook my hand and said, “That’s the plan.”
I saw no reason to spend any more time with that man. It was obvious he did not review my chart before he came in the room. I do not understand how he could not remember me. He told me when I saw him last time that I am the most advanced case he has seen, and how many other patients do you think he has that have been to Duke and John Hopkins? Plus, Stuart and me together are pretty darn memorable. I have NEVER had a doctor make me feel like they didn’t remember me. I “might have this thing called Meniere’s”…geez…are you kidding me? He said a number of other things that just didn’t make sense…like, “I thought you had gentimiacin and it didn’t work.” He just said that I might have Meniere’s and then he said he thought I had gentimiacin injections? dodododo
About the tests….well he only gave me the numbers for the biggest test they did. The Caloric Stimulation Test. (click on the link if you want to learn about the test) This is used to for damage to the acoustic nerve (hearing and balance) and it test the brain stem. It is the only test that test the ears separately. The numbers he gave me fit right in on this test. 21 is normal. He kind of dismissed the 13, I really didn’t understand that. Of course, the one that is really out of wack is the right ear coming in at only a 4. So, I’m thinking when we get to the point of killing off the balance center we will do the right ear first and see if it straightens things out, or makes it so much better I don’t feel I have to do the left.
Now for the big decision, what do I do about this doctor? I really don’t trust him enough now to let him give me a shot in my ear that will kill my balance center. Heck I don’t trust him enough to give me a B-12 shot.
What do I do? I can’t find another ear doctor in this whole city that knows anything about Meniere’s except for the other guy I went to who thinks he is a god. He doesn’t listen to his patients…at least not to me, and according to his ratings on-line and on Angie’s list, he doesn’t listen to most people…he didn’t believe I have vertigo as often as I do. Really? Does he think I use a walker just for fun? Ugh…..I hear stories like this from so many people with chronic illnesses, we have such a hard time finding doctors who are compassionate. I’m lucky, most of my doctors are wonderful, but I’m having a heck of a time finding a good ear doctor since we moved.
I found an ear clinic I would like to go and check out that is close to 2 hours away from here. I have a list of questions for Stuart to ask them on the phone before I even think about making an appointment. If they treat people like it appears they do on their website, I think this would be a very good place to go. They are very well versed in advanced Meniere’s, and they aren’t afraid to treat it.
As you can see, I do believe in being an advocate for myself, but I know when I can’t burn my bridges just yet. I’m also not afraid to fire an incompetent doctor and as soon as I find a new one, I promise this doctor will know why he is being fired and I will write a review on him letting others know what I think. The group does have a good support staff, too bad he is the only one in that group that (supposedly) knows anything about Meniere’s.
It seems appropriate that I’m writing this on the eve of a new year, what better time to look toward the future?
For me, contemplating the future is more than a little scary…. let’s just say my anxiety about it has been more than I ever thought was possible.
After my illnesses changed my life, I learned about Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), it struck me how it has helped many people in many aspects of life, but mostly I was struck by how much it often helped people who are ill. I had already learned of mindfulness during my studies in Buddhism, and while practicing yoga, but I admit I didn’t practice it regularly.
Over the last few years I’ve learned more and more about mindfulness, as I continued to studied Buddhism and MBSR, I’ve worked hard to live my life in the moment. I don’t dwell in the past, (all of that is gone)…. I don’t worry about the future, (that hasn’t been written yet)…I try hard to live in this very moment, because that is all we truly have.
Yes, at times I still have moments when I get upset that I can’t do what I used to, and get upset about what might happen…but I don’t dwell on it.
Then we started making plans… how we are going to try to make things better for me….decisions about this unknown future, decisions that I have to make. Suddenly, I HAVE to look at the future. I HAVE to think about it. And it really scares me. Suddenly, I’m scared about being like this forever. I thought I had accepted that and was okay with it. Not that I was giving up, just that I accepted things if they didn’t change. At least that’s what I thought, but actually, I thought I was going to be like this forever, I had come to terms with it, and now, that may change. Now, I suddenly have options….plans. I am having a very hard time not being anxious about the future. I’m even thinking about things from the past. I keep thinking about all that I can’t do now, and how much my life has changed, and I keep wondering, could I get some of that back? The main thing I know is that, I don’t want to lose myself in this quest to get better. I don’t want to be afraid. If I don’t get better, I need to know that’s not the end of the world. I don’t want to start having to accept all of this all over again.
Each day I have begun to get more and more upset about things I simply can’t do. As usual, most days all I can do is go from the bed to the chair in the living room. But I tried hard not to let this get to me before. I tried hard to make the most out of every moment…no matter what. I’m trying now….but I am not doing as well as I have been. Then I hear the voice in my head….Be Gentle With Yourself. and I Breathe. I am doing the best I can. Yes, I’m a bit overwhelmed right now. Everything is changing, all of a sudden, it’s going to take me a minute to keep up with it….deep breath….and I must remember, it still has to happen one moment at a time.
Okay, let’s move on from this and let’s talk about what the plan for my future is right now.
I was going to write a post right after my visit with the new ear doctor here in town, but I decided to wait until after the tests and the results. I was supposed to get those yesterday, but I had to reschedule my appointment, guess who was too sick to go? Surprised? I’m not….I have cancelled so many appointments because of vertigo, you just can’t imagine.
So, I’ll give you a break down of what is going on as of now…..
I saw the new ear doctor here. So far he seems pretty good, I was impressed with his knowledge about Meniere’s, and he is very willing to work with the doctor from John Hopkins. He suggested I start taking a low dose of Valium twice a day to try to keep my vestibular system calm. He wants me to keep track of how much Sodium I’m eating. (Okay, I laughed at that. I know I don’t intake much sodium but since I haven’t been keeping a record he was not convinced. I have been eating a low sodium diet for years, I know how much sodium is in almost everything, I don’t eat processed foods, and if I eat out I order everything without seasoning….yes I know that is boring, but it is safe with all of my food issues. So I tracked my food since I saw him, I admit I was curious too, the results? I normally consume just under 1000mg a day, I haven’t been over 15o0mg in any given day. They say a low sodium diet is 2000mg a day. I don’t think I have a problem there.) I’m starting vestibular therapy on January 12th, we’re going to start training my eyes and body to balance without my ears. I am to continue working with my headache specialist to get my migraines under control. We will talk more about killing off the balance center after doing all of this and seeing if it helps. Also after seeing the results of the vestibular testing I went through, we want to see if one of my ears is close to being dead already, if so we may go ahead and kill that one off, it may be causing much more trouble than the other.
(just let me say, I’ve been through these tests before and it wasn’t so very bad the first time, this time, it was absolute torture. I cried. I am not that kind of person. If my husband hadn’t been back there with me, I don’t know how I would have gotten through it. The person giving the tests told my husband she thought I was suppressing, because some things that should bother everyone I was not showing too much of a response on. I thought that was strange. I didn’t feel like I was suppressing, but after I’ve been going through this for so long, I’m sure I automatically try to not have vertigo when it is coming on. I didn’t throw up, I almost did, I had cramps like dry heaves were coming, but no vomit. Yay! it really takes a lot to make me throw up now. I rarely throw up during an attack now. I get really nauseous, but I rarely throw up. I always thought it was the meds. Heck it’s already ruined my teeth and caused burns in my esophagus, I’m very happy it stopped. Anyway….I’m very interested to find out the results of the tests, and upset I didn’t get to go yesterday.)
He does think my Meniere’s is definitely autoimmune. Not that I want an autoimmune disease, but it does explain a lot. Most of my doctors have felt I have symptoms that lead to one, but haven’t been able to put their finger on it. I just have so much going on, and everything gets worse with stress, and gets better with steroids. I often run a fever and no one can find a reason. I have a marker for an auto-immune disease, but the one I have a marker for I do not test positive for….however, that is a red flag that I could have another. They believe they simply do not have a test for the autoimmune disease I have, or I don’t test positive for it. Like a friend of mine, has rheumatoid arthritis, but he always tests negative for it. It is visible on all scans and he responds to treatment, but the test for it comes back negative. So, in other words, we can’t prove it, but it is thought that it is an autoimmune disease, at least in my case.
So, there is the plan for now. I don’t know what will happen. How it will change. Or anything right now.
I feel that there will be a lot of change around the corner.
The future is scary, but it holds promise, and hope…..something I haven’t had in a long time.
A couple of months ago I applied to be seen at the vestibular clinic at John Hopkins Hospital. My records were sent, and an appointment was set up for December 27th, then it was moved up to December 11th. I must say, that was just fine with me.
I was scheduled to have a hearing test, and an Electonystagmography (ENG) test before seeing the doctor, but the doctor had to leave at 2pm (before my original appointment time) so he wouldn’t see the test before he left, so we asked if I could take the test at home. You see, I had to stop any medication that might help with vertigo attacks before the Electonystagmography (ENG) test, if I didn’t have to stop these medications while out-of-town, I sure didn’t want to. They said no problem, and I sure was glad. I spent all of Thursday with vertigo, it was slow but it was there, I can’t imagine what it would have been like if I hadn’t been able to take my meds. I also had an attack right before my appointment on Friday. I had very little balance when I saw the doctor and my vision still wasn’t clear. So he saw me when I was not doing well. I think that’s a good thing. How many times have you been to the doctor and all of your symptoms just magically disappear right when you get there? That is so frustrating.
When we walked into the Outpatient Clinic it was like walking into an airport. You checked into the front desk, we both got arm bands to prove we belonged there. There were all kinds of signs and lines and directions, it was a bit to take in all at once. Stuart said we were told where the elevators were (no I couldn’t hear much in there) and off we went. When we got where we were supposed to be, I was very impressed that the check in and out areas were looped. If you don’t have hearing aids of CI’s you won’t understand that. If your hearing aid or CI has a telecoil setting, then the hearing loop provides a magnetic, wireless signal that is picked up by the hearing aid or CI when it is set to ‘T’ (Telecoil) setting, and the person using that setting can hear the voice right in their ear, no background noise or anything…it is really cool. So, we checked in and were told to go to the little waiting room in the back….that’s when it started to look like just a normal hospital setting. The little waiting room, wasn’t all that little, but it wasn’t all that big either. We were early, because I HATE to be late. My first appointment was to get a hearing test…(snicker). But soon a very soft spoken woman came out and said the doctor wanted to see me first, at least that is what Stuart told me she said, I had no idea. She took my vitals, she asked for my weight and height…I got it mixed up as to which one she asked for first, because I couldn’t hear her and I was guessing. Soon the doctor came in…..
We talked a bit about my history and he gave me some tests while in his office. A bit of touching my finger to my nose and then to his hand, turning my hand over and over….ect. Some I could do okay, some I had trouble with. Then he said he was sorry but needed to shake my head a bit. I did not do well with that one. I had to look at his nose while he shook my head. One time when he shook my head Stuart said he saw my eyes jerk, he said it was “kinda freaky”. The doctor asked me to stand up and I staggered a bit, he said never mind, sit down, be careful. I guess that answered that test.
He then said he wanted me to have the hearing test and come back in to see him. So I went out. I still thought it was kind of funny getting a hearing test because I’m deaf. I can hear a tiny bit in my right ear, but it is so little you may as well say, I can’t hear anything. Soon the doctor comes to the waiting room and said, the Audiologist said that since I have cochlear implants she couldn’t give me a hearing test. Yes, I kind of giggled inside. Stuart told them over on the phone that I had CI’s and a hearing test was kind of unnecessary, but they said it was ordered. Then the doctor said they could do the ENG test that I was originally scheduled for now, so he could see it. Well, I had just taken meds to help me, since I was really sick after the test he performed. I told him, that and how it said I wasn’t supposed to take any meds for like that for 48 hours before the test, and I’d already taken it twice that day. He agreed the test might not be accurate under those circumstances. Oops, kinda wish I hadn’t taken my meds, but then again, I really don’t want to be so far from home when I have that test done. I just know I’m going to be sick.
The ENG will show how much vestibular function I have left in each ear. That’s pretty important right now…..because here’s what he thinks and the plan……
He said, it is obvious I have damaged vestibular function, it is just a question of how much, and how much in each ear. He said he believes that, yes I have Meniere’s Disease, and Vestibular Migraines, and he said I have balance issues caused from getting my Cochlear Implants. I noticed before, my vertigo got worse after getting my CI’s, but no one ever said that they could have caused some of it.
He said we have to treat these in different ways. One is to get my migraines under control. He likes that I’m seeing a Neurologist that specializes in headaches, so I’ll continue to see her and try to get the migraines more under control. If we can’t do this, I may be taking another trip to John Hopkins to the Headache Clinic for evaluation. The next thing he said was, I need to have vestibular rehabilitation to train my body and brain to balance without my ears. He also said, we need to kill my balance system in my ears. We plan on doing this with gentamicin shots in both ears. How much I need to have depends on the results of the test, one ear may already be dead, who knows…we just don’t know how damaged they are yet.
I will be seeing a new otolaryngolgist here in Charlotte on Wednesday, the 16th, and we will discuss all of this, and set up getting the test that the doctor at John Hopkins wants. They will confer with each other on a treatment plan. I guess, It will also be good getting a 3rd opinion. The one from my doctor at Duke, the one from John Hopkins, and now let’s see what this doctor thinks. This doctor knows I have been to John Hopkins and they will be conferring with each other.
There are a few questions I forgot to ask. I know many of you are thinking….”You should have written them down.” I did, really, I did. But I wrote it on the paperwork they gave me, and I gave it to them…I didn’t have it after that….duh. So I’m going to ask the new doctor. It’s only a couple of things. Nothing that would really change the plan I think. I just want to know if they think my Meniere’s could be autoimmune, since it reacts so well when I am on steroids; and I’d like to know if they can answer why when I breathe in through my mouth, or drink anything cold or hot I feel it in my right ear. That’s just weird.
I know I forgot to ask him these things because he was telling me things that had been thinking for a long time. I actually asked for this treatment from my doctor. But he wouldn’t do it. He said it was too destructive and I could be so disabled I wouldn’t be able to do anything….ect. The doctor at John Hopkins looked at me and said, “more disabled than you are now?” He then asked if I had been given vestibular rehabilitation, and we told him no, that I asked for it, but my doctor had said that things fluctuated so much he didn’t think it would help. He frowned, and said, he thought I could benefit a lot from vestibular rehab….so as I said before, we plan to do that first. I went into the appointment with no expectations. Actually, I expected them to tell me there was nothing they could do. I had no real hope. I told the doctor this, he said….No, don’t give up hope. I explained, if I came in there thinking he was going to fix me and then he couldn’t do anything I would have fallen apart, if I came in there with no expectations, I would be thrilled if he could do anything. He liked that. We talked a bit more, and he insured me he would consult with my doctor here and answer any questions, and if I came back up there he would be happy to see me. Then when I left he shook my hand and told me that it was a true honor to meet me. That shocked me. I told him it was so very good to meet him and thanked him profusely. and went on my way.
A little about the trip itself…….The trip up to John Hopkins was pretty uneventful. We stopped by Duke to pick up films that I’ve had done….you know, MRI’s, and such. When we went through Washington, I saw the White House, the Jefferson Memorial and the National Monument in the distance. I’ve been to Washington before and have seen those things up close, but it is still kind of magical to me. I don’t know why. Driving into Baltimore, it seemed so BIG. The GPS told us to go straight when we should have gone to the right to get to our hotel and we ended up in a very sad part of town. The buildings were mostly boarded up, yet there were a few businesses here and there. I can’t imagine how they would ever do any business. One place we passed there were a lot of nice cars parked on the road, and one burnt out car right in the middle of them. Soon we made it back to our hotel. It was just a very sad detour.
On Wednesday night…well I guess it was Thursday morning…Stuart shook me awake at 5am. I thought, we don’t have to be anywhere, why is he waking me up. I read his lips… FIRE! I was awake then!! He pointed to the alarm. The Fire Alarm was going off. I jumped up and put on enough to get out of the hotel…it was very hard for me to go down 3 flights of stairs!! We were all out on the street and almost immediately there were 2 fire trucks on the scene. No fire. I never found out what happened. I could not climb back up those stairs, and it took a while for them to turn the elevator back on so we had a bit of a wait. That was fine with me. I was very impressed that the fire department got there so fast. The scariest part for me, if Stuart had not been in the room I never would have known there was a fire alarm going off. I would have slept right through it.
Well, we had an adventure! I told Stuart when we got back to the room, that with all this stress, I still hadn’t had a vertigo attack…that was amazing….so, we were moving to Baltimore. But I spoke too soon. Of course, I woke up with one the next day….and it lasted all day….but I spoke about that earlier in this post.
I was a bit disappointed that we didn’t get to do anything while we were there. The one day I felt good, we wasted because 2 of my shirts didn’t get packed so I didn’t have enough clothes. Curses. The next day if I had felt well, we were going to do something. We planned to go to the Aquarium, it wasn’t far from where we were staying. However, of all the sites in Baltimore that there are to see…..after all it is home to one of my favorite poets, Edgar Allen Poe…I really wanted to see Charm City Cakes. Yes, I wanted to go see a Bakery! I didn’t even care if I went inside, I just wanted to see the building. It is the bakery from the show Ace of Cakes….that isn’t on any more.
Duff Goldman – photo courtesy of Food Network
Duff Goldman started it..still owns it, has a second one in LA now. He is often on the Food Network. They do spectacular work, and I was just a huge fan of that show, and I just love Duff. I could just eat him up. I love the story behind his life, and I love his personality. I regret that we didn’t at least drive by Charm City Cakes. Yes, I am a goof. I was sick, had a migraine, couldn’t focus worth a toot, had about 8 hours on the road ahead of me…and I regret that I didn’t stop by and see a bakery. But hey, what is life without the little things?
Top Ten Facts about Vestibular Disorders (This list is put out by VEDA. The comments in bold italics are by me, all about me.)
The vestibular system includes the parts of the inner ear and brain that process sensory information involved with balance. (however, your balance is controlled by your vestibular system, your vision and your sense of touch….but mostly your vestibular system.)
Over 35% of US adults aged 40 years and older (69 million Americans) have had a vestibular dysfunction at some point in their lives. (I remember my first vertigo attack when I was 30. However, I had balance issues long before that, most likely caused because I had severe ear infections in my teens.)
Vestibular disorders can be caused by disease, injury, poisoning by drugs or chemicals, autoimmune causes, traumatic brain injury, or aging. Many vestibular disorders occur from unexplained causes. (We don’t know what caused mine. *shrug*)
Symptoms of vestibular disorders include dizziness, vertigo (a spinning sensation), imbalance, tinnitus (ringing in the ears), fatigue, jumping vision, nausea/vomiting, hearing loss, anxiety, and cognitive difficulties. (I just want to say that tinnitus can be a LOT more than just “ringing” in the ears. I rarely hear ringing. I normally hear buzzing, banging, roaring…all kinds of noises, I know one woman who hears music….”ringing” is just an easy way to explain it. A lot of these symptoms are easy ways to explain them. Your vestibular system is kinda complicated.)
Vestibular disorders are difficult to diagnose. It is common for a patient to consult 4 or more physicians over a period several years before receiving an accurate diagnosis. (very sad but true. For a long time when I had vertigo attacks the doctors had no idea what was happening, I admit I probably didn’t describe it very well. I remember once I had to have IV fluids because I was so dehydrated, my doctor was convinced I had food poisoning. When I was finally diagnosed with Meniere’s disease it was a fluke. I had been to the ER because I had been throwing up for over 12 hours and the doctor there said I was having vertigo and needed to see an ENT, this was the first time I heard the word, “Meniere’s”. I was not diagnosed correctly. The doctor didn’t do any test on me. I could have had a brain tumor for all he knew. Years later after a battery of testing at Duke, it was determined that I do have Meniere’s, but I also have other vestibular disorders.)
There is no “cure” for most vestibular disorders. They may be treated with medication, physical therapy, lifestyle changes (e.g. diet, exercise), surgery, or positional maneuvers.
In most cases, patients must adapt to a host of life-altering limitations. (That’s a huge statement…there is NO CURE for MOST vestibular disorders. I personally have had at least some type of all of the treatments mentioned…of course they are being very broad in saying what kind of treatments they are, but I use medication, have had physical therapy, and probably will again, I have extreme lifestyle changes…you would not believe how my life has changed…. I’ve had surgery many times, and I’ve had positional maneuvers…..whew…I will probably have more treatments in the future… at least I hope so, I’d like to feel a bit better than I do now.)
Vestibular disorders impact patients and their families physically, mentally, and emotionally.
In addition to physical symptoms such as dizziness and vertigo, vestibular patients can experience poor concentration, memory, and mental fatigue. Many vestibular patients suffer from anxiety and depression due to fear of falling and the loss of their independence. (Most people do not understand how a vestibular disorder can cause so many cognitive issues, but it does. With Meniere’s I’m not just afraid to fall, I’m afraid of having a vertigo attack in public…. this is horrifying. I no longer fear the loss of my independence… I’ve lost it. I can’t drive, I can’t go out alone, I use a walker, I can’t cook (it’s too dangerous with a balance disorder), I have a very hard time picking things up off the floor, I can’t take a shower, or bath without someone near by, just in case (often someone has to help me…. I don’t talk about things like this most of the time, and I often push through a lot of things when I’m around other people, but I pay for it later.)
Common vestibular disorders include benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV), Ménière’s disease, labyrinthitis, vestibular neuritis, and vestibular migraine. (personally I have 3 of the vestibular disorders mentioned here. I have BPPV, Meniere’s Disease, and vestibular migraines. I also have an unknown vestibular disorder….one that is causing me a lot of problems but the symptoms do not fit in with the other defined disorders. I will hopefully be going to John Hopkins in the not too distant future to try to find out what this unknown vestibular disorder is and maybe how we can treat it.)
In the US, medical care for patients with chronic balance disorders exceeds $1 billion per year. (I have to admit, I always wonder where they get these numbers and what they include. I have to say the treatment of my vestibular disorders has been extreme. We are very lucky we have insurance. Of course, insurance doesn’t cover everything. To give an example of just how much one thing cost…. I had a vestibular illness take my hearing and cause me to get cochlear implants, they cost over $100,000 each. That’s a lot of money. Of course, most people with vestibular illnesses do not lose their hearing. I’m a bit rare. heh… but aren’t I always *wink*)
The Vestibular Disorders Association (VEDA) is the largest patient organization providing information, support, and advocacy for vestibular patients worldwide. (VEDA has been a go to place for me to find information. If you want to know more about a certain vestibular disorder, I suggest going to their website. http://www.vestibular.org)
I haven’t written in a long time because, I had someone with Meniere’s tell me they read my blog and found it very depressing. This is something I have feared for a long time. I’ve seriously considered stopping this blog because of this very reason. I do not want people to read about me and think that this is their fate.
I wrote a lot about having Meniere’s Disease and what it was doing to me before I knew I had “MORE THAN MENIERE’S”. Even then we knew my case was very atypical. If you have Meniere’s Disease do not take the progression of my disease as a road map of what your life will look like.
This blog is a journal of my experiences. I am far from a textbook case. As my doctor has said…..I am different from any case he has seen. (he works with a LOT of people with many Vestibular issues at Duke, especially Meniere’s…he is the head of the Vestibular Clinic) He has told me that there is nothing else he can do for me. It is recommended that I go to John Hopkins Vestibular Clinic. They do a lot more research in vestibular disorders than Duke does. Frankly, I haven’t found any other place that does more research in vestibular disorders than John Hopkins.
Most people with Meniere’s never go bilateral. Those who do, most never lose their hearing. For those who do, it normally takes a very long time. And the very, few who get to that point normally have very little to no vertigo after that. If they ever do it is very mild.
I’m very different. When I went bilateral, I completely lost my hearing within 3 years, I now have cochlear implants. I still have vertigo often. Even with Cochlear Implants my hearing fluctuates a lot. (by a lot, I mean many times a day…this is far from normal. Some people with Meniere’s who have CI’s do have their hearing fluctuate if they have a vertigo attack, but not like I do.) I will have times where I can go without severe bouts of vertigo for a while then I’ll have a month or so with attacks every day. That is not normal for Meniere’s. This is very atypical for this disease. As my doctor said, I have more than Meniere’s.
I have tried to steer this blog to cover more of my chronic illnesses as a whole, and not focus on Meniere’s Disease. It doesn’t seem to be working out that way. My vertigo and hearing issues are a HUGE part of my life. How do I not talk about them?
I do not want my blog to depress anyone…..I don’t want it to cause people to have less hope. Meniere’s can be a very scary disease….I do not need to add to it. I’ve always wanted to give people hope. To let them know there is life beyond the disease. That the disease is only a part of the patient’s life, it is not all of your life…it is not who you are. Things are just different now.
Right now I really don’t know what I’m going to do with this blog.
If I change the focus, people will still see the past post and can see it as depressing, and disheartening.
I am thinking about making a static post that you have to see first when you come to my blog before going to other post, and then starting a new blog, that is much more positive, and not mention Meniere’s Disease as much. I am afraid I may lose a lot of you. I’ve changed blogs before, and I lost a lot of people.
Maybe I’ll just give it a try. Or have 2 blogs for a while?
I just don’t know.
Right now. This has really been on my mind and has me stuck.
This is the final week of the Chronic Pain and Illness Photography Project I have been participating in for the past 3 weeks. Facilitator Stephanie Blumensaat did a marvelous job putting this project together and keeping the group running smoothly. What a wonderful group of creative people who were willing to share so much of their art, their lives and their souls. Simply amazing. Stephanie has a blog, Chronic Pain Life, that you just might want to check out. She will be putting together future projects that some of you might want to participate in, I know I will.
I hope you enjoy these photos and insights into me….
Day 15 – Gratitude. – posting a day late
I have much to be grateful for every day, yesterday was no exception, but it was a very rough day, things happening all around me that I could not help with or do anything about. (my dog had an emergency trip to the vet and I couldn’t move my head without vomiting to help…it was a very hard day.) Yesterday was filled with rapid vertigo. Yesterday I had a very long, rough day with vertigo. I am very grateful for the bucket I could throw up in if needed….and all the medication I had that made me not have to throw up so much. (I’m most thankful for my darling husband for taking care of our furry baby…she’s fine…and taking care of me.)
Truthfully, I’m very grateful the day is over.
Day 16 – Dreams
One dream I always had was to go to Disney Land, not Disney World, I wanted to go to the original.
Right before I got very sick, I was able to go. This is the land of dreams….a place where dreams come true…..the photo is the refection of the castle. I think this photo is very symbolic of my dreams today, they are very vivid and beautiful, a little wavy, and sometimes a bit upside down….that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped dreaming.
I still have many dreams, some are short term, some are long term, some are very attainable, some probably aren’t. And that’s OK. I think healthy people have the same kind of dreams….not all come true.
Day 17 – Identity
The image I chose for this prompt is a mask I made….the outside shows how most of the world sees me….the invisible illness, my cheery exterior…is that part of my identity….yes, I think so. The inside of the mask shows how I feel about things and how I feel about me. I think this is a good representation of my identity.
This prompt was very hard for me. If I were able to really get up and out and create a new photograph for this prompt I would have done something different.
How do I Identify myself now? I’m still Wendy.
Day 18 –Know This
Know This….You are not your illness/pain.
Your illness and pain are a part of you but it is not YOU.
Do not lose yourself.
Day 19 – Spirit
Showing my spiritual side. I hope you enjoy this photo as much as I do.
I took the selfie yesterday and manipulated it in Photoshop to show my spiritual side.
I study Buddhism,
I follow a mindfulness way of living.
This has made a huge difference in my life, and how I deal with chronic illnesses.
Namaste
Day 20 – Goals
Take more risk…..overcome fear….first step!….walk out the front door…..
My goals….get out more.
We moved to a new place in August of last year. During the move my hip started to hurt. I haven’t been able to hardly walk since the move. I had hip replacement surgery on the 14th. I’m starting to walk again, that is going very well. However, I’ve had vertigo attacks every day for over 30 days. Fear rules my life. I started to get in the shower today, and was then going to go to the store with my husband. A first outing since my surgery, other than to the doctor….
right before I got in the shower I was on the computer and the world started to tilt……suddenly it started to spin, violently…for 5 hours I was spinning with violent vertigo, so very, very sick!!!
Then I slept for 2 hours and I still feel like I have no balance and my head is mush.
Deep Breath!!!
This is a HUGE GOAL!
Get out that door!
Expand my life!
I know I can do it!
if not…my Goal is to be perfectly happy, in the life I have, just the way it is.
Day 21 – Invisible
Invisible Illness and me
“You look so good!”
Just beneath the surface
no one can see
the cracks….
the cracks…..
Day 22 – Music (bonus prompt)
As most of you may know, I’m deaf. My chronic illness took my hearing. I haven’t been deaf long, and music is still in my head and I still sing and love music…I just can’t listen to it. (I have Cochlear Implants and can hear some music but not like I used to. Hopefully, I will be able to hear it better in the future, but for now, not so much.)
When I relax I often hum, when I’m up I often sing, my husband and I often make up silly songs and laugh…..the silly songs are wonderful, they make me feel normal, and keep up my spirits. Music can be very therapeutic.
Today I wanted to share something different with you.
A few years ago, right before I lost all of my hearing I sat down with a friend of mine who is a sound engineer and he did a pretty good recording of what my tinnitus sounds like. These are the sounds I hear all the time. I don’t hear the worst of it all the time, but I do hear some of these all the time.
One day recently I suddenly didn’t hear anything and it scared me. I felt completely alone and was terrified. It didn’t last long. These sounds can drive me crazy at times, but they can also be very soothing.
This is my music….my Sounds of Silence.
Day 23 – Art (bonus prompt)
I use my art to help me with my chronic illness in many ways.
Here you will see where I have three expressions of me.
Silly loving Me.
Chronic Pain Me.
Natural, Strong Me.
I try to create something every day….drawing, writing, photography……anything creative…..
My art helps me heal, even if I’m just doodling, creating heals my soul.
(sometimes when I can’t voice my pain, I can show it in my art)
The Chronic Pain and Illness Photography Project is over now. I’ll be returning to my regular scheduled programming. 🙂
I’m sure my regular readers are curious about my hip replacement surgery recovery. I’ll give you a thorough update in the next post….here’s a little spoiler….my hip is doing GREAT!
See you soon. I’m off to Duke for visits to my doctors tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day….. Yay!!
Starting on April 26th, I’ve been participating in a Chronic Pain/Illness Photography Project on Facebook. It is a closed group, but I wanted to share my photos here. By the way, if anyone wants to join the group, you can enter at any time. You can complete the previous projects if you would like, or you can start of where we are now. So far, it’s been a lot of fun, and a lot of support and camaraderie between between people who “get it”.
Many of these photos my long time readers may have seen. Some are photos of my artwork. (I can’t really get out and create many new photos right now since I’m recovering from hip replacement surgery.)
Day 1 – Hope
I made this for one of my doctors. She gives a lot of people hope. Unfortunately her treatment didn’t help me for long, but I always have hope, not necessarily for a cure…..Hope springs eternal.
Hope… for Dr. Gray by w. holcombe copywrite 2014
Day 2 – Loss
This photo represents losing my hearing, and much of my balance due to one of my illnesses, Meniere’s Disease.
Fractured Ear
manipulated photo –
by w. holcombe
Day 3…Today.
Today I got my bandage off from my hip replacement, all looks good there! You can’t tell in the picture, but I have 6 stitches you can see, but mostly I’ve been glued together, it looks pretty cool.
I haven’t felt good today. The nerve in my back is acting up and my leg is in a lot of pain. I didn’t sleep much last night.
My monkey is guarding my hip that was just operated on so my dog or cat can sit on my lap. In this photo, Kiki is keeping me company. We rescued Kiki right when my hip/back started hurting. The doctors thought I’d just strained it when we moved. I had no idea I’d be hip replacement surgery just 7 months later because my femur head was collapsing because it was dying. Avascular Necrosis sucks. and mine was caused because of over use of prednisone. Doctors caused this disease by treating other diseases I have with too many steroids. If I’m lucky it won’t attack my other large joints. I’m 51, in the last 3 years, I’ve gotten 2 artificial ears (Cochlear Implants) and an artificial hip….no metal detectors for me!! haha.
I’m not complaining, honestly….it’s just the way it is.
and when my hip heals I’ll be able to walk!!
Woo Hoo!!
Wendy Hip Replacement Recovery – April 2015 photos by w holcombe
Day 4 – Self Portrait.
This looks a little depressing, but I’m not..not today. I just like this self portrait of me. I took the photo in the bathroom mirror, and manipulated it on Photoshop. It shows part of my cochlear implant.
Some days are better than others….this day was a rough day. Taking the photo helped me get part of those feeling out, and helped me explain them to others.
I still have a hard time with my cochlear implants at the time. My hearing isn’t supposed to fluctuate with them, but it does…a lot! I’m lost, often. People don’t understand why I can’t hear when I have these devices. For those who don’t know, when someone has a hearing aid or other hearing device, it does NOT allow you to hear like a normal person. We often miss a lot. Often HOH/Deaf people won’t tell you they are having a hard time hearing.
I speak up, but it’s amazing how many hearing people don’t hear me. 🙂
Wendy with CI – manipulated photo – by w holcombe
Day 5…Tool Kit.
(sorry I’m a day late, yesterday I had a 12 hour vertigo attack…yuck….happy I wasn’t alone, and the violent spinning didn’t last long, I spent most of the time in slow spins…it’s still miserable, but it could have been much worse!) I have a few tool kits, emergency kits…..I believe in being prepared. smile emoticon This is my medication kit.
Top left – all closed up and ready to go. Top right – top part is open, this is where we store my shots and things that are needed for that, and other little things. Plus my med list, with all meds I take listed, pharmacy, prescribing doctor…ect. I also have this list with me in my wallet too. (this includes supplements and everything) Bottom left – bottom part of container is open and top of pill bottles showing…..the “A”s stand for A.M. or Morning, “P” is P.M. or Evening, AP are pills to be taken in the Morning and Evening. If there is a number on the top then I take more than one. I line all of these up and fill up my pill boxes…you can see those on top of my medicine box Bottom Left. I have two morning boxes because I have to take 2 pills before breakfast and the rest after breakfast.
There’s more to keeping up with my meds, but that’s my medicine box. If I’m going out of town for more than a couple of days, I just grab my box. It really has helped me to stay on track, and know when I need to refill my meds, to buy more supplements….ect. It also helps me keep everything in one place. I love my medication kit.
So this is ONE of my tool kits.
Medication Toolkit photos – by w. holcombe
Day 6….Acceptance.
One day after hearing me talk about how hard I had been fighting, a fellow Meniere’s patient told me that perhaps I should learn to walk with old Mr. Meniere’s instead of fighting him so much all the time. I had never even thought of that. I knew this disease had no cure, but it never occurred to me to not fight it tooth and nail. Suddenly it hit me, I had to accept it as part of me. I can’t get rid of it, some days may be better, but it will always be there. I accepted it. Once I did, things got much easier. I have a number of other illnesses, I’ve accepted them all. Meniere’s Disease was the hardest to accept….it comes packed with a lot of stuff….and mine is a very complicated case. (my doctors at Duke now say I have “more than Meniere’s”, they have no idea exactly what I have. I have a several complicated vestibular disorders.)
I drew this little doodle one day to show I think I’m perfect just the way I am.
I am (imperfectly) perfect – by w. holcombe
Day 7 – Grieving:
This was a hard subject for me to figure out a photo for. I kept thinking of things more suited for loss. I wanted to show something that worked more for my grief over all the things I’ve lost…. I came across this entry in my journal, and a photo of a flower I took that I think work fairly well.
Here are the words on the journal page, I’m sure you can’t read them….
The tears have been shed.
The lines have been drawn.
Do we dare to cross.
Do we dare to dream again.
The tears have flowed line rivers down our face.
The mourning continues.
How do we hope again.
How do we believe?
journal entry w. holcombeby w holcombe
I hope you enjoyed my photo journey so far….you may have learned a little about me along the way.
There are more to come!
Remember, if you would like to join me in this photography journey, come join the Facebook group, there’s a great group of people putting out some great work.
This is a stream of thought post. I just needed to talk and get some things out. So no fixing of grammar or anything. One thing I do want to say before you read this…..I’m not suicidal.
photo by w holcome
Is everything just so hard right now or is it the life through steroids?
I feel like I’m slipping away. I don’t know who I am half the time. I’m really not handling things all that well….yet in the next moment I am….then I’m not…then I am…then I’m completely melting down and that has been the last two days, and
I just feel like a weight is on me that I cannot lift and it is crushing me,grinding me down further into the ground past the point of breath….I’m buried alive….why, why cannot I still just not die.
Oh I am so ashamed to feel this way. I am just so tired. So tired of feeling the ups, the downs, the hope, the devastation when life kicks me in the gut over and over. And I can’t believe I’m actually writing these feelings out here where everyone can read them.
I do not feel like this. I don’t. This is not how I handle things any more. It has to be the steroids messing with me…it has to be….
But then…there has been so much loss lately…so much stress…and I found out yesterday that it is worse than I thought.
When you can’t hear very well…..let’s face it, I can’t hear at all without my cochlear implants on and working, and for a while now things haven’t been sounding right. So conversations with my husband have not been as communicative as they normally are. I have always been so proud of how our relationship has been so good, because we communicate so well. When you can’t talk a lot, communication seems to fail. He thinks I hear things I don’t. I think I hear things he said differently. And things simply do not get talked about. I’ve been feeling like we just talking much about stuff….and when we do, things just don’t get anywhere, we just get a bit frustrated because I don’t understand things….well…I really didn’t understand something, and I got really upset about it yesterday. I lost it, completely broke down, and I’m still spinning about it.
I thought our finances were doing ok. Not great of course. Tight. We do have a mortgage and rent and everything. But I thought we were ok, not in the negative ever month, being able to pay our bills…paying off credit cards….ect. We aren’t. We are still in trouble. I’ve been spending money recently. I’ve told Stuart when I was going to, or asked him….he didn’t say…”we really shouldn’t be spending”. No I haven’t gone crazy, but I’ve spent when I didn’t need to. We bought Christmas for our niece and nephew that could have cost half what it did. He said, “It’s what we would normally spend.” This makes no sense to me. I’m so distraught. He said….that in about a year we should turn the house over to the bank. What? and we can spend money on gifts??? I can buy things for me? NO. I knew we were in real trouble when Kiki started having diarrhea Friday night and Stuart said, “Oh Kiki please don’t get sick, we can’t afford it.” What? We discussed this before we got a dog. If we couldn’t afford a pet, we should not have gotten one. In my opinion, that is one of the worst things a person can do, and I know Stuart feels the same. (I know we would have found a way if Kiki would have needed to go to the veterinarian, but that comment really scared me.) We are in this situation because of me. We have not been able to sell the rest of the stuff out of the house, or get the house on the market because of me. No, the house may not have sold yet, but we are nowhere near even getting it ready. All because of me. I have gotten too sick for him to leave me alone to go to Durham and take care of things.
Now, how can I not feel guilt about being sick?? How can I not feel guilty for every doctor appointment I have? How can I not feel bad about every extra thing we have to spend because of my illnesses? How can I not feel bad about the trip we have to take to Duke….tomorrow?
We were talking about taking me to special clinics to look for more answers…..HOW could I even think of this??? I cannot allow my husband to lose everything for me. I cannot allow him to work so hard at his life and never be able to own another home, never be able to retire, never be able to do anything but take care of me! NO! I will die first. Please, please, let me die first. I simply cannot live with this guilt or with this lack of quality of life. How do you choose? How do you choose? Am I selfish and allow him to sacrifice everything for me, to help me…where it may end up there is no help, that I will end up just like this forever. Or do I stop it. and say enough. I accept that life will be like this.
I have ups. We’ve seen this, over and over. I have some good times. I had them not long ago. I went for over 4 months feeling so much better. Then I have times like this. Will I be like this forever, or will I have the good times again. Who knows. I cannot predict the future, and I have to stop making up the worst case scenario in my mind.
We have to get more stable financially before I can allow him to sacrifice any more. He does so much. He is so exhausted so much of the time. He doesn’t even see that it is because of me. At least he loves his job now. It is not draining him. He really enjoys it. I don’t worry about him so much there, but am I jeopardizing it? I hope not. Right now that is all I can do. I have to trust that his boss really is as understanding as he says he is. I have to believe. I know his hours are flexible….I hope they are as flexible as they are making them. He does a lot for me. They work around my appointments. Sometimes he leaves in a moments notice when I have an attack. He always gets in the hours, he gets his work done….he says that is all his boss is concerned about. But I am concerned. I do not want him to risk this job over me. (they did just put him in charge of a project, so they must believe in him, right?)
I have to be more involved in the finances and everything as often as I can. I have been hiding. I have not been able to handle the stress of it. I do not deal with instability.
I’m not dealing well with not being able to do anything. With not being able to help at all.
I’m simply not dealing well.
I do so wish we had some help. I wish someone would give us a maid for a day as a Christmas present. Or better yet, a maid service. We used to have one, got a great deal on Groupon, had a maid come in just once a month, and it was perfect. For this tiny place, I’m sure it wouldn’t cost much….well for some. But it would get the deep stuff done. Things that just don’t get done…..oh who am I kidding, a lot doesn’t get done lately. (I think that’s why Kiki got sick, she found something on the floor, I swear she’ll eat anything she finds!)
I’m tired. So tired. Between the spinning head and the aching back, sleep is hard. And now my brain will not shut off….I worry.
Please Please tell me I will be able to deal with this better again after I get off of these dang drugs! But then will the awful vertigo get worse again? I live like that either.
So I had this post all planned out. I had been working on it in my head. I even had a few little illustrations to go with it. Neat huh?
I really wanted to talk about what has been happening to me over the past few months. All the stuff that has been going on…Physically, Mentally, and Spiritually.
I thought I could get it out. I haven’t been able to write much. To read much. To do much of anything because of the vertigo. Finally, I thought I could do it. I started getting it together. but that’s not how things happened…..
I started getting ready for bed night before last. I had had a strange day. I hadn’t had vertigo, but my ears felt off. (if you have Meniere’s you can know what that means….or it could means something different for me….what they were doing, well, they felt very full, and my hearing was weird – best word I have – I thought that would stop when I lost my hearing and now hear through cochlear implants, but no, my hearing still gets wonky, unless of course I turn them off, then I just hear the increased tinnitus….oh yeah, I didn’t mention that, I also had increased tinnitus.) I also had this weird fainting type of spell. I didn’t faint, but I felt like I was going to, like I was hit by a tranquilizer gun. It was strange. I had to fight hard not to just pass out. I could have gone to sleep, I guess, but it was too scary of a feeling, like if I went to sleep I might now wake up. This has happened a few times lately, I have blamed the steroids, they can make your blood sugar drop, so I eat something and feel better. This time was a bit worse, as it came on very suddenly, and I was hard pressed to even move……so….Stuart checked my blood sugar. I’d just eaten a banana, my blood sugar should not have been low. My blood sugar was indeed not low. It was on the higher side of normal…hmmm. Not that strange since I just had that very ripe banana, but strange since I felt like I was fainting from low blood sugar??? what on earth? Well I ate some protein anyway, and maybe it was the placebo effect, maybe the spell was just ending, whatever…I started to feel better. But I still felt off…and I admit, I ate more, I ate too much probably. But I felt better.
A little while later I went to get ready for bed. I was brushing my teeth and looking in the mirror and thought…why am I moving? Then I feel it and think…”oh shit.” Yep, vertigo. No warning, no strange feeling, nothing….I was just moving….what the?
It was slow so I rushed to go to pee real fast but had to have Stuart help me to bed. (I always try to pee really fast before it gets bad because I always have to go when it happens. It is horrible lying there about to bust to pee and can’t move because of vertigo, but it happens every time! And if I vomit, I will pee too, complete loss of control. So rush to pee, if I can…..so strange how things have changed for me with this…I never would have considered trying to run to the bathroom when this started a just a year ago, now, well….things have changed….)
I got my meds in me and it looked like this wold be a short trip. WRONG! It was a long and bad. Over 4 hours….slow, fast, start to sleep – wake spinning fast, terrified – have to go to the bathroom again! can’t get up….bedpan, humiliation, back – pain! – ….FAST SPINNING – help….slow…..fast…..sick…sick….help….tired….guilt….sorry…..sleep….AHHH!…..slow….sleep…AHHH!……….
Now what?
I was supposed to be going down to 1 steroid a day the next day. Yesterday. I did. I felt bad all day yesterday. I hoped it was just that hangover feel from the night before. Then..Last night. vertigo. just a little, all night, I just kept waking with the bed moving. I handled it.
This morning I woke….AHHH! FULL FAST SPIN! Stuart’s at work, and I have to GO TO THE BATHROOM! and I do not mean just for my morning pee. Oh hell. Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! I can’t move. Which world do I try to step in to? They are moving so fast. Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! Oh I am so sick. More meds. sick. I have to GO!
I grab my phone….text….I can’t see the key board, it’s all a blur…WHOOSH! I type, “Spinning” I think…and hit send to Stuart. I don’t want to bother him, I want to be able to do this alone. But how? I know other people do. How do they do it? How do they go to the bathroom? How do they survive without killing themselves (accidentally or on purpose?) Since this has gotten so bad, I have always had Stuart to help me. I’ve only had to deal with an attack a very few times alone. That was so long ago. It was so hard. I don’t know how to not ask for that help from him. How do I do this alone?
Soon I got a text back. I don’t know what it said…..I texted….”help” hit send.
Then I called on voice. I only have to hit one button. I did not have my cochlear implant’s on, so I could not hear anything. I saw the little numbers start counting, I don’t know if he picked up, I just started talking. “I’m not hurt, I have to go to the bathroom. I need help for that. I’m not hurt. please just come help me to the bathroom. I’m not hurt. can’t get to the bathroom, really have to go…..” then said I hoped he heard me and hung up. I really wanted him to know I wasn’t lying there hurt, but I needed a little help….then I waited….
and waited. and held on as hard as I could. I knew I would soon have to try to crawl to the bathroom…..but then what? I wouldn’t be able to get up on the toilet…..what was I going to do? I kept trying to think. the bedpan was in the bathroom. Ugh! The trashcan? maybe. I’m going to kill my back even more. “I have to GO! I’m going to soil myself soon.” (I really think I may have ended up soiling myself before I would have made the decision what to do. My body wasn’t going to wait much longer.) Then Kiki jumped up and ran out of the room…..”Yes, Stuart is here. Whew….”
So I was saved the humiliation of soiling myself, or the possibility of injuring my back more from trying to get to the bathroom by myself…..or injuring myself any number of other ways. *sigh*
The vertigo won’t go away. It slows way down….right now I feel like I’m on a boat with the constant rocking, and if I move, it gets MUCH worse. I will have full blown spins on and off.
I had an appointment scheduled at Duke tomorrow with my ear doc to get his opinion about all of this, now I can’t ride in the car for that long. We rescheduled it for…I think Stuart said a week or so out. I have increased the steroids and am hoping I can get this under control enough by then so I can ride in the car to get there. What can he do? I have no idea. What is causing this? I have no idea. I thought I had an idea, but now, nope. Where do I go from here? if my trip to Duke comes up with nothing….I don’t know. One step at a time.
I can’t control what happens in the future, but that doesn’t mean I can just sit around and not do anything. I have to consider Stuart’s job. His boss has been so very understanding, but this is above and beyond what we ever thought he would have to be doing. First I injure my back and now this? I’m afraid he is being understanding on the outside and not so much on the inside? Stuart is getting his work done. He works the hours, just often not normal hours. Today he is now working at home. He is going to talk to his boss again about this to ease my mind. He likes this job, I do not want to jeopardize it because of me. But I do not know how to take care of me during the attacks by myself. If they are short, fine. But when I can’t walk all day long because of it? How do I go to the bathroom? Get water? food? We can’t afford to get me a helper, and who would know when I’d need one? (I’m spouting off out loud here, I’m not looking for answers…..just where my mind is right now.)
The guilt about this eats me up. It is crazy to feel so guilty about being sick. I didn’t do it. I have no control over it. Yet, this is the one thing I find the hardest to deal with….guilt. I am so very sorry to be such a burden. At times I will feel like I am past this, but then things like this happen and how can I not feel like a burden. How can I not feel guilty? How can I not feel that I am causing so much trouble for my husband? Believe me I could give a list here of a lot of things that need to be done, that he needs for himself…..ect…..that are neglected because of me….because I’m sick. Guilt much?? I’m working on being much more gentle with myself, non judgmental….I’m better than I used to be, but really, I don’t know if I’ll ever get rid of all of the guilt. It’s a work in progress. I can say it is much better than it used to be. I don’t hate myself, and I don’t think of myself as a complete failure. Those used to be huge thoughts that ran through my mind. Those are thoughts that I hear from many people who are chronically ill and have lost so much of their independence. That’s a sad thing isn’t it? Ah…things I’ve been thinking about…..I’m doing really well with much of this stuff. I really do like me. I try my best to be a good person and I think that’s pretty darn important. It’s just that my body often needs help, and I feel guilty about that. Perhaps, if my husband had help it would be easier. …..eh…..going in circles there aren’t I?
No…this isn’t the post I planned to write. It isn’t well thought out. It isn’t illustrated. It doesn’t give a good account of what has happened. It’s just me. Telling you a little bit how it is now. In this world of mine. would I change things in my world today. yeah, can’t say I wouldn’t. Do I still love my life….most of it yeah. This vertigo stuff can hit the highway though…..but I will accept it. I have to.
This is just how things are right now. Just right now. they were different a moment ago…they will be different in a moment.
I’m actually much calmer about things and I’m dealing mentally with things better….yeah I know it doesn’t sound like it….but really I am (probably won’t be when the steroids start kicking in full force again, but hey, at least I’ll know it is the steroids, right? this last round made me a bit crazy….I do not know what if feels like for a “normal” person to be on a high dose of steroids, but it makes me feel like my bipolar medications aren’t working, however, you sit there and think….is it the steroids or do I really feel like this? ugh!)
It has taken me all day to write this.
I hope it makes some sense.
I’m going to try to write more often. I need to keep up with what is happening to me. So these posts coming up may be up and down or start to sound the same or something….but I really need to just write about what I am going through….
is forever. I thought I had accepted that and was okay with it. Not that I was giving up, just that I accepted things if they didn’t change. At least that’s what I thought, but actually, I thought I was going to be like this forever, I had come to terms with it, and now, that may change. Now, I suddenly have options….plans. I am having a very hard time not being anxious about the future. I’m even thinking about things from the past. I keep thinking about all that I can’t do now, and how much my life has changed, and I keep wondering, could I get some of that back? The main thing I know is that, I don’t want to lose myself in this quest to get better. I don’t want to be afraid. If I don’t get better, I need to know that’s not the end of the world. I don’t want to start having to accept all of this all over again.
Picnic with Ants 