Tag: Depression

Grateful during a Rough Year

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness12 Comments
Buddha, by Wendy Holcombe
So much to be grateful for…

Yesterday Stuart and I were talking and I told him I was grateful for many things this year.  He looked at me a but stunned.  Yes, it’s been a rough year.

  • I was diagnosed with Idiopathic Intercranial Hypertension, this knocked me off my feet for a while, and I got a bit depressed over it…but I’m so very grateful that the medication works!
  • I’m still having severe vertigo attacks….but I’ve only had 3 or 4 this year…That’s amazing, and something to be grateful for!
  • I have migraines, and migraine associated vertigo – I’m grateful I have a super doctor now who specializes in headaches.  I’m also grateful that the vertigo I have with migraines, is not as severe as the Meniere’s vertigo.
  • I lost my dearest companion of 19 years….I still miss my Sandy so much every day – but I’m so grateful she did not suffer, and I’m grateful for all the wonderful memories I have of our lives together.  “Everybody Loved Sandy”
  • I’m grateful my father pulled through a near death experience, and my sister was there to help him.
  • I had a very hard time after someone wrote me a note that simply shook my world, and not in a good way.  I’m grateful (thanks to studying Buddhism) I can breathe in that hate, and breathe out happiness and love toward others.  I’m also grateful that I do not have to send a reply.  It’s a rough thing to accept, but some people will not like me, may even hate me, but as long as I still like me, I’m ok.
  • I lost my hearing in my left ear as of July last year (2011), and have greatly reduced hearing in my right ear.  I’m very grateful for modern technology, with my cochlear implant (received July of this year) and hearing aid I can hear.  I may not be able to hear as well, but with the help of technology I am not deaf all the time.  I’m so very grateful for this!
  • (**a TMI note)  I was diagnosed with vulvar vulvodynia, a painful condition of the vulvar region.  I’m so grateful that my doctor gave me topical Lidocaine, now my husband and I can have relations with much less pain.  (thank goodness there are times my head stops spinning long enough to try this.)  : )
  • I’m grateful we were able to come to Tucson for the winter.  The trip out was not as hard as I expected….Thank Goodness.  The time we’ve been here so far has been rough, but I have faith I will feel better and better.  I’m so grateful for the beautiful weather we’ve had so far.
  • With every challenge I’ve been through this year….and I haven’t mentioned them all….I’m so grateful my husband has been right beside me, holding my hand, being the best advocate for me (he has to make many calls for me since I can’t hear on the phone, he’s a wonder at making doctors understand), he loves me, and thinks I’m so very special.  I tear up just thinking about how very lucky I am to have married this wonderful man.  (I am most grateful for my husband and our relationship.)
Stuart and me, a couple of years ago.
Every time I look at this photo I can feel the love pour over me.
I’m so very grateful for the love my husband shows me. (photo by Jenn Dorff)
  • And last but not least, I’m grateful for my friends.  Especially the special people I’ve met through this blog and others.  It makes me sad that others have to go through chronic illnesses with pain and suffering, but I’m grateful we can share our experiences with each other and know we are not alone.

There are many other things I could list that I’m grateful for but this post would be very long indeed.  This post has made my lightened my heart and helped with things I was coming more and more depressed about, I believe I should take the time to notice the things I’m grateful for much more often.

If you are in the US, may you have a safe and joyous Thanksgiving.  (remember, take care of yourself first.)  I was not able to partake in the family festivities today, a migraine and unsteadiness simply would not allow it.  (especially with all the noise, I admit I was afraid, this would have been the first get together since I got my CI, it’s scary going into a situation with a lot of noise when you can’t hear like you used to.)

May we all remember to take time to think about the things for which we are grateful.

I’m so Grateful for my Emergency Kit!

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease8 Comments

I always hoped I’d never need it.  When I made up my emergency kit it was more a peace of mind thing, not a real thought that I’d ever need it.  On Wednesday, I was so grateful I had that emergency kit!  (TMI -This post contains information that may be too much for some people.) 

The day started off so wonderful.  You can see that in the last post….but later that afternoon I was hit with an attack, and I was in public!  We decided to go out and check out a few stores that carry allergy friendly foods, but we were hungry and thought we’d grab a bite to eat.  (yes I know, too much food out…too much sodium! But I had steamed chicken with vegetables and rice, no sauce….I ordered smart!)  We were sitting in the restaurant and Stuart pointed out something to my left and over my head, I glanced at it and everything spun around.  It scared the mess out of me!  First I started to panic, then I felt it was slowing down.  I thought it was Migraine Associated Vertigo and would pass after I took my migraine medication and emergency pills.  Boy was I wrong!  I took the pills and things didn’t get better.  I was getting sick.  Very sick, and the world was spinning faster and faster.  I handed Stuart my purse and asked him to get my emergency kit.  I needed to cool down, and I needed something to throw up in (just in case).  I have cold packs in my emergency kit that turn cold when you twist them…or hit them really hard.  This was a wonderful thing.  I needed to cool down my core fast.  We left the restaurant as soon as I could stand.  It had slowed down so I thought the medication was finally working and we could get home with minimal discomfort.

I was VERY wrong again!  We drove a ways fairly well, then the spinning got so much worse.  I couldn’t stand the car moving.  I asked Stuart to stop the car, he couldn’t stop where we were, and I started to panic….”Please just stop the car!”  It was torture.  I was actually screaming before he could get stopped. He stopped.  Later he told me he was not in the best spot. It was pretty public and he knew I’d feel uncomfortable. Frankly, I didn’t care, nor did I notice. I was throwing up (thank goodness for those little garbage bags I packed in the Emergency kit), and I was losing control of my bladder. I was devastated. We were in Stuart’s father’s car, it had just been detailed….I mean like an hour before we left in it….it has leather seats! How could this be happening to me, in my father-in-law’s Lexus? (luckily it was his older car, but still, leather seats!!) Stuart swears when he went to clean it up, there was nothing on the seat, and no vomit anywhere. I did miss some the last time and got it on me. I’m so glad I was wearing a reusable pad, I use them for my menstrual cycle, but I also use them most of the time in case I sneeze or cough and pee a little.

We got home, and got me inside. I collapsed on the couch and passed out. I woke up an hour later gagging, but didn’t throw up. My body was spasming, it feels like I’m convulsing (not that I’d know what that feels like first hand), this lasted what felt like hours. I got very scared. I was having a hard time breathing with the spasms, and for the first time during one of these attacks I was afraid of dying. Then i passed out again, but only for a few minutes. When I came to, I decided I wanted to try to get to the bed. We succeeded. Not without much difficulty, but I was out after that for a few hours.

I know most of you have heard my horror stories of my vertigo attacks before, but the main part of this recount is how much my emergency kit helped. In it I have cold packs (to cool me down), small trash bags (to throw up in), large Ziploc bags (to put the soiled items in…and bags that have throw-up in them), wash cloths (to wipe my mouth, and help cool me down when they are wet), extra meds (we always have my emergency pills on us, this is an extra safe guard and it has more meds than I usually carry), a card explaining what is happening to me…and I keep a water bottle with me (normally this is just to drink from, but when I’m having an attack it helps to wet wash cloths and I need to rinse my mouth).

I will never think I can go without that kit again. I was recently thinking it was taking up too much room in my bag, no more! If I go out with nothing else, I will have my kit!

I’ve been working on this post since Thursday, the day after it happened. I’ve had days and days of extreme disequilibrium. I couldn’t move my head at all without seeing the world move. It was like it just didn’t keep up with my head….strange. I just started walking some unaided yesterday. Today I feel better and can get around by myself, but I still feel a bit wobbly. I’m pretty sure this wasn’t just a Meniere’s attack. My hearing in my right ear did drop significantly, and hasn’t returned to its normal level…that’s weird for me, normally after the attack ends the hearing comes back…at least almost to where it was. We think I had another spinal “blow out”, and my Cerebrospinal Fluid Pressure (CSF) dropped. Stuart suggested the first night after the attack to not take my medication that controls the high CSF, it’s a strong diuretic and I couldn’t afford to lose any more fluids. But I started taking them again the next day after I was sure I was well hydrated. Then things didn’t get better. I was scared that I would feel that way all the time. I was having a big pity party for myself (sorry I didn’t invite you all). Yesterday morning, Sunday, I woke up feeling much better. I took my CSF medication, then I got up and fixed myself some breakfast. After making breakfast I turned and the world spun, dang-it! But it was at that time I realized my CSF pressure was too low. I had all the symptoms…the wooshy head, a headache when standing..ect. I went back to bed and lied down flat and the symptoms lessened and went away. Ah…yep, low CSF. So yesterday I spent the day lying flat. I’m holding off on the high CSF medication until I get signs of high CSF, then I’ll ramp back up on them.
Today I’m feeling much, much better, but still weak. My main goals for the day are a shower, and finishing this post…not necessarily in that order.

I’m sure I’ll feel better and better. The weather here is still gorgeous. We had an overcast day, but it was still nice. Today we have the windows open and are enjoying the fresh air.

A Realization

On By WendyIn Life13 Comments

For months now…oh about six…I haven’t had the desire to do much.  Blogging always helped me deal with things and I’ve found support here I never thought possible…but I just haven’t felt like it.  I’ll think about blog posts, write them in my head, but then in the day I don’t get out my computer and get in touch with the world.  I keep thinking I’m snapping out of it, and I am better…and I do think I’m pulling myself out of this depression now, but it was there sitting on my shoulder, whispering in my ear “What’s the point?”

It’s almost 6 months since Sandy died, and I’ve been consumed with grief and guilt.  I know I don’t have a reason to feel guilty, but all the “should have, would have, could have” questions kept swimming around in my head.  Those kind of questions don’t do any good at a time like this, but they’ve been surrounding me…all the “What if’s…”

Sandy….Happy Dog!.

I still expect to see her, and occasionally, out of the corner of my eye, I could swear she was there.  I will feel her on the bed, and nothing is there.  There have been times I could have sworn I heard her.  (Now I wonder how many times I heard noises and thought they were her and they were something else?)

A lot of people would not understand this deep grief I feel for the loss of my dog.  But she was more than just a dog to me…she was a constant companion for 19 years, my Baby Girl, my Sugar Plum Fairy…or as Stuart would call her, our “Stinky Dog”.  No Sandy wasn’t a Stinky dog.  It is a term of endearment from my husband, if he makes up a little song about you and it says you are stinky then he must love you dearly.

Stuart and (his Stinky Dog) Sandy (taken early April 2012)

Because of this lack of understanding, and the feeling within myself that I shouldn’t feel like this still, I’ve been feeling very alone with these emotions.  I hid a lot of it from Stuart for a while, but recently I haven’t been able to.

Two nights ago, I had a complete breakdown.  Nothing sparked it, nothing.  I was just about to doze off, and it started.  I ended up crying (read sobbing uncontrollably) for almost two hours.  Since then I have felt a release.  I’m still crying over her, but something broke during that night of gut wrenching sobbing.  I feel freer from the guilt than I have, I feel like I can move on….that doesn’t mean I’m forgetting my dearest Sandy Girl and everything she means to me, but I hope it means I can begin to see the sun again.  I’m kicking that little guy off my shoulder, he will no longer be able to whisper those disparaging words to me.  I love Sandy, and always will.  I know I did the best I could for her, even if i do question that sometimes.  More so, I question if the vet did the best she could have done for her, but I need to let that go too.  (However, Max has a new vet now.)

Sandy and Max checking on me in bed.

 

I know she was 19 1/2.  That’s amazing I’m told.  But just days before she died she was chasing the cat, curling up with me, and just such a happy dog.  I remember how every time she ate her dinner she wagged her tail the whole time.  I need to think more about the good memories, and remove the shroud that has been over me holding in just the memories of her last days.  Sandy brought me too much love to dwell on the tragedy of her death.

I won’t make promises that I will be here more often, but I think I will be….I need to get back to my friends, and managing my life, instead of allowing it to manage me.

(there may be many errors in this post, I just can’t read it again right now.)

What to say, when you don’t feel like talking?

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness13 Comments
Depression by ninykinin via DeviantArt.com

I’m sorry to my followers, my friends, that I have not been around much.  I am a bit overwhelmed by so much that has been going on that I haven’t told you about, and I’ve been sucked into a depressive state.  I keep trying to pull out of it, I even have a new medication, but I’m still just blah.  I wake up in the morning, and often feel awful for the first hour or two, it takes me a while to feel like a real person, then when I actually feel alright, I think what reason do I have to get out of bed?

I don’t find pleasure in the things I used to be so passionate about, like art, cooking, blogging….ect.  I do still find pleasure in reading, perhaps it is an escape?  I also still find pleasure with my husband, just being next to him makes me feel better.

I will be seeing my psych. tomorrow, I’ll discuss this with him, and we’ll see if I should increase the antidepressant I’m on, or try something else.   I’m sure he can help pull me out of this.

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you know that I’m normally very positive.  This turn of emotions has hit me like a wall, I don’t feel like myself.  I need to get my positive outlook back.

The ironic thing about this, I’m actually much better.  I have the weird feelings when I first wake up, but I think that’s because I’ve been horizontal for so long that my cerebrospinal fluid raises a bit, and I have to sit up for a while, and take my medicine before I feel better.

I’m still having migraines, but they aren’t as intense.  I’m still having Migraine Associated Vertigo (MAV), but not as often, and when I do it doesn’t last as long.  Maybe I’m just getting the medication in faster, all I know is it’s better.  I’m still having chronic migraines though, yes they are better, but they still knock me out of commission for a while, so my doctor is starting a new treatment plan.  We want to get it where I’m having much fewer migraines, not just less intense.

No Meniere’s vertigo!

My surgery has FINALLY been scheduled!  July 19th, I will receive my bionic ear!  (my implant is from Advanced Bionics…so I can literally say I will have a bionic ear!)  Two weeks after surgery they will turn on the cochlear implant.  (I wrote a post telling all about the processors I chose, but that’s the one WordPress deleted half of, so I need to finish it again…I will try to do that soon, so you can see what will be hooked to the side of my head.  I’m sure you are all eager to see that!  : )  Just wait until you see it actually on my head!

Other things that have been happening:  We got new carpet.  We replaced our worn out couch.  We had our mattress replaced under warranty…it wouldn’t bounce back.   So the house is full of chemical smells, and I’m so sick!  I keep trying to stay in rooms with less chemical smells, but I’m still coughing so much my throat is sore, my head hurts, I’m so tired all the time….ect.  I’ll be so happy when I can breathe in my own house again!

Tell me is it normal to feel down when you start feeling better?  Yes, I’m feeling better but not to the point that I can do everything I want.  Since I feel better, I’ve begun to resent that I can’t drive, I can’t have that independence.  I hate that Stuart has to be with me for me to leave the house.  I know with the uncertainty of vertigo it’s even dangerous for me to walk around the block by my self.  I resent that I have to be careful of all the food that I eat.  We took a little trip this weekend, and it was so very hard to find food that I could eat.  I felt horrible, every time we wanted to eat it was such an ordeal.  It’s not so bad locally, we know places that are safe, but I didn’t think about not being able to find safe food on the road.   We tried so hard to make sure everything I ate was safe for me, but still I got sick.  On the way home we had to stop numerous times so I could run to the bathroom.  I was so embarrassed to have that happen in a public restroom.  eww.

I used to find it a challenge and a pleasure to cook even with my restrictions.  I thought it was interesting to figure out how to change a recipe so I could eat it.  Now I resent that I can’t eat some things.  That I can’t cook whatever I want.  I don’t like this feeling.

Oh, I almost forgot, I had a birthday.  July 2nd!  My husband is a dear man, he celebrated my birthday for 4 days, and I’m getting my main present today!  So, still celebrating… he’s done something sweet for me every day since Friday!  He really made up for the one time he forgot my birthday!  haha  Funny thing, I thought I was turning 50 this year.  Stuart and I were walking along one day last month and mentioned my birthday, I said that this one was a big one, he asked why 49 was big for me, I said, “No, I’ll be 50!”  He looked at me, and said “No Wendy you will just be 49”.  I was sure I was going to be 50!  He said, “What year is it?”  I said, 2012….Ooooh!  I guess I’ll be 50 next year.”  How silly was that?  Here I’d been telling people for months that I was turning 50 this year!  hahaha

Well, I think that’s all I can purge out of myself at the moment.

I will try my best to blog more often, I really want to become passionate about it again.  I’ve missed my friends.

Pet Peeves

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness11 Comments
What annoys you??
image courtesy of dusty29100 at deviantART.com

We all have them…those little things that really annoy us.  I’ve noticed lately that I have more pet peeves than I realized.

I really annoys me when:

  • I write a whole post then I hit “Save” or “Publish” or “Preview”, and suddenly I’m told my login expired and I need to login again….of course, at least half of my post disappeared!  Yes this just happened, and I don’t have the brain power to do it again right now.  Ugh!  I how annoying!
  • I go to a party with many people in attendance, and the only towels in the bathroom are those little finger-tip towels.  Ick!  They are dripping wet within half an hour!  Why do people do that?
  • I go to a party and they have the rooms decorated for the party, but the bathroom is dirty.  again…Ick!  Of course, they also have no towel at all in the bathroom!
  • I email a company and don’t get a reply, or I email a company and explain I’m emailing because I’m hearing impaired and can’t talk on the phone, then they email me back that I need to call.  That’s just rude.
  • Insurance companies give you the run around….for weeks and weeks.
  • I am asked at the doctors before a procedure if there is any way I could be pregnant and I answer “no”, but they make me take a pregnancy test anyway…Why Ask?  Just tell me to pee in a cup!
  • people won’t admit to something they did wrong.  (for example, we had new carpet installed last weekend, in our bedroom there are two gouges in the wall.  It was covered by a paint that does not match our paint, it’s close, but it doesn’t match.  They didn’t even fill in the holes, just painted over them.  Now they say they didn’t do it, they said don’t have paint.  I KNOW it wasn’t there before, it’s right by the door, I see it every time I walk out of the room!)  Why do people not take pride in their work?  Or show respect to other people….and that brings me to another pet peeve….
  • people are rude!  So many people are rude and do not respect others, or their environment.  Think about the car that cuts you off and speeds away, only to get stopped at the same stop light you do.  The person who throws trash out on the road, or in a parking lot.  The person who leaves a grocery cart in a parking place.  People who are rude to those who provide customer service to them….like waitresses, cashiers…ect.   And on that note….
  • people do not get off the phone when they are checking out of a store, or at the bank…ect.  How rude is that?
  • people who talk on the phone, or text when driving.  Texting is simply stupid….what on earth are they thinking?  But…how many times have you been aggravated by how someone is driving, only to look over and see they are on the phone?  It’s illegal in our state, but people do it constantly.  (and I’m not talking about hands free)
  • I have to wait way past my appointment time…anywhere.  Why is my time considered less valuable than the person I’ve come to see?   And I really hate it when they are very late, and don’t apologize, or thank me for waiting…ect.
  • people who are very educated use bad grammar.  There’s a difference between someone who doesn’t know any better, and those who just don’t care.  (there is one person I know who should know better, but she always says “weren’t” when she should say “wasn’t”…it makes my skin crawl.)
  • people who write everywhere as if they were texting!  I have a friend on Facebook who writes her status updates like that…it drives me crazy, and I will admit I often do not understand what she is saying.
  • Things I’m looking forward to are delayed over and over.  (I got a call from my surgeon’s office today telling me we have to reschedule my surgery from July 11th to the 19th or after!  We just set up the surgery yesterday, now another delay.  I’m beginning to wonder if I’m meant to get this cochlear implant.  One delay after another.  This should have happened 3-4 weeks ago.  I’m so depressed about all of this.  It has been a constant stressor for almost 2 months!)  Yes! I am annoyed!  Heck, I’m downright pissed!

See what I mean? I have a much larger list of pet peeves than I ever thought I would.  Things used to not get to me so much.  But please note, I don’t hate the people who do these things, I simply hate some of the things they do.

I must practice showing understanding, and compassion….but I’m sure some of these things will always annoy me.

What is your Pet Peeves?  Are some of yours the same as mine?

Hard to Get Started Again…

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness16 Comments

I miss blogging, I miss my blogging friends….but it’s hard to get started again.

Now I think of things that have happened since I’ve been away that you don’t know about, and things that are going to happen….so much to talk about I’m overwhelmed.   Eh….maybe not so much.  My life really isn’t that exciting.

I went through a bout of depression, that knocked me off my feet.  By that I mean, I didn’t want to get out of bed.  I’d wake up and think, what reason to I have to get up?  I couldn’t think of a reason, and the sleeping side effect was not helping!

Vancouver Sunrise by Lauazee from DeviantART http://fav.me/d32s7vm

I know part of the depression started when Sandy died.  But the biggest problem is a bit strange….at least to me, my therapist says it’s normal.  I’ve been feeling better.  The Meniere’s isn’t bothering much at all since the surgery in December.  The Intracranial Hypertension (High CSF), is minor and under control with medication.  My migraines are not as painful, but they are causing vertigo often!  So much so that there is no way I’ll ever be able to drive again.  The Migraine Associated Vertigo (MAV) gives me NO warning.  I wouldn’t even be able to pull over to the side of the road, the world just goes crazy immediately.  I can’t even walk around the block by myself, or do things in the yard.  I tried one day, and it did not end up good.  So I’m stuck in our house, unless I have someone with me (meaning Stuart).  I know there is plenty I could do in the house, but when you can’t do things you want….well everything else kind of falls flat.

But I’m better.  Really.  It’s kind of funny.  I was watching Sponge Bob Square Pants and he was singing, “I’ve got an attitude of gratitude….”  And I realized I used to every day think about things I’m grateful for, and I hadn’t been lately.  So I started thinking about it, and I felt better.  Also we’ve been talking about fostering a dog, or perhaps adopting.  Sandy was a rescue dog, and we’ve been thinking that taking care of another dog who needs rescuing would honor her.  This has made me feel better about things, I really miss Sandy, and do NOT want to replace her, but the thought of honoring her by helping another dog….that makes me feel better inside.

Now that the sleeping has gotten back to normal, I’m feeling better about other things too.

We went to see the audiologist on Wednesday.  I picked out all the options for the Cochlear Implant (CI) that I want!  We expected to have heard from the insurance by now, but it’s seems to be a big old pain in the butt.  And all I can do is, wait patiently.   I’m not the most patient person!

Now, I’m started… let’s see if I can’t make a habit of this!

Mother’s Day is very hard for some people

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness8 Comments
image from farmhousecountrystyle.blogspot.com

Every year since my mother died Mother’s Day has been bitter-sweet.  Everywhere I look people are telling you to get in touch with your mother, let her know how much you appreciate her, and how much you love her.  I’m sure there are many people who have lost their mother or perhaps lost a child, or for those who have mother’s who are not someone you really want to thank….you know they are out there….and this holiday is very, very hard for them.  Just as it is for me.

This year, Mother’s Day is especially hard for me.  This year, I expected to be a mother, a foster-mother yes, but a mother non-the-less.  That dream was taken from me this past year, and it won’t be coming back.  I’m okay with this decision, but it stings right now.

Mother’s Day is also very hard this year because I lost my little baby girl….yes, I’m talking about Sandy.  I know many won’t understand because she was a dog, but she was my baby for 19 years.  She was more of a constant in my life than any human.  And yes, it may sound silly, but most Mother’s Days I got a card from her and Max.  (yes, I’m not delusional, I know Stuart sent the cards, but her little paw print signed it….and I was her mommy.)   Stuart would joke around and make a special breakfast for me saying that our children insisted that he do so.  Yes, this Mother’s Day will be very hard.

This week Sandy’s memorial bench arrived. It’s sitting on our front porch, but we haven’t been able to inter her remains yet.  Yes, that will probably happen this weekend.  Her ashes are in a little box, this will be sealed in her special box (where we kept her stuff), with her special blanket, sweater, collar, just little things we think she would have like to have.   All of these things will be sealed in an airtight container, then sealed in the bench.    In our will we have a provision, when we die we plan to have our ashes mixed, Sandy’s ashes will also be mixed with ours.  (Max’s too, but since he is still alive, I don’t want to say things like that.)

Are we strange for caring so much about how our dog is cared for after death?  Are we the only ones like this.  I hope not.

But I’ve wandered away from the point of this post.   For all of those who find holidays like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Valentine’s Day, and even Christmas hard, you are not alone.  For all of you who now someone who has a hard time during these holidays, reach out.  Everyone needs to feel a little love.

Word Cloud – #HAWMC 30

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness2 Comments

Today’s Prompt:  Word Cloud. Make a word cloud or tree with a list of words that come to mind when you think about your blog, health, or interests. Use a thesaurus to make the branches of your “tree” extend further. http://www.wordle.net/

I did a little bit of a different take on this prompt.  I hope you like it.

Word Cloud Collage by W. Holcombe 2012, April

5 challenges, 5 small victories #HAWMC Day 27

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness7 Comments

Prompt for today:  5 Challenges. 5 Small Victories. Make a list of the 5 most difficult parts of your health focus. Make another top 5 list for the little, good things (small victories) that keep you going.

I think this is a very good prompt, and normally I’d be able to write it very easily, but the depression I’m feeling right now will make this more difficult.  (yes depression, but it’s deserved, I’m not clinically depressed at the moment.  I’ve had a lot to deal with, and the loss of a loved one, so I’m depressed.  Please no worries about my sanity. *smiles*)

A Difficult Challenge - Deciding on treatments.

5 Challenges – 5 Most Difficult Parts of My Health Focus

  1. The constant changing.  Things seem to be settling down, and wham I either get new symptoms or a whole new diagnosis.
  2. Making hard decisions.  Do I get the surgery that may help?  Do I try to live in the deaf world?  Do I take this drug even though it has some harsh side effects?  Do I get another opinion…..
  3. Keeping Positive.  OK, I’m not doing this very well right now, but it will get better.  I know it will.  (there see still positive! I just think it will take longer this time.)
  4. Risking leaving home.   This sounds like I’m afraid to leave home, and sometimes I am.  I have vertigo attacks with no warning.  If I’m more than 30 minutes from home and have an attack start, it terrifies me.
  5. How to keep my caregiver from burning out – How to keep my marriage strong through all of this.
A small victory, a night when I can cook.

 

5 Small Victories – 5 list for the little, good things that keep you going.

  1. For dealing with the constant changes.  I decided long ago that life isn’t going to be as I expected, so I decided to change my expectations.  I’m usually pretty flexible now at thinking, well this will change some things…what will it do, and how can I change to keep myself going.   (I will admit here, I’ve had a new diagnosis that has thrown me for a bit of a loop, the treatments are hard, the decisions are hard.  I haven’t quite gotten to the point where I feel I can think about my new expectations, I simply don’t know what to expect…but when I do, things will fall in order I’m sure.)
  2. Making hard decisions is still difficult, but I feel better about it because I know how to look up many resources, I know other people (on-line) who have the same issues I have so I can ask them what their experiences have been, and I’m very lucky to have a husband who helps me weigh the pros and cons and is able to look at things objectively.  However, he always leaves the final decisions up to me.
  3. Keeping Positive.  –  This hasn’t been a hard thing for me until recently.  I get a bit upset about things when things change…I’ll have a pity party.   Then I say “Enough!”  And start thinking of how I can stay positive.  I think of things I can still do.  I think of others who are going through the same thing, and know many of them help me see that it can be alright, and I want to help others know that too.   Yes, again, recently this has been hard.  I’ve had a lot dumped on me in a relatively short period of time.  I’ve lost a lot.  But I have no doubt that I will get back to the positive me.   I still believe in living every day you feel well enough to the fullest.  Even if that means just sitting out in the backyard.  Do not take things for granted.  And try to think of something you are grateful for every day.  Sometimes I write the same thing every day for a few days because that’s all I’m feeling grateful for that I can think of….but other days I can list many things.   (Toni Bernhard’s book How to be Sick, has helped me keep positive thoughts, and helped me to look at things a bit differently…I highly recommend it!)
  4. I risk going out of the house much more than I used to.  I’m still afraid of having an attack, but I carry an emergency kit with me all the time.  It contains emergency meds, water, wash cloths, small trash bags to throw up in, some Zip-Loc bags to put cloths in after being sick…..things like that.   I’m still a bit leery about going more than 30 minutes from home.   When I have an attack it is not pretty.  I feel humiliated and degraded.  I can’t stop throwing up, I can’t walk, I often have diarrhea, and cannot control my urine.  So I recently decided if I’m going on a longer trip, I will need to wear disposable adult incontinent panties….just in case.  If I have an attack in public, I do not want to be mortified by strangers seeing me defecate and wet myself.  I also always carry emergency medication for migraines.    These measures may seem a bit drastic to some, but it has made it so I can go out and not be terrified that if I have an attack I will be left with no help.  I also carry my phone with me all the time and it has an emergency button if I need to call 911.  I won’t be able to hear them, but I can tell when they pick up and tell them what is happening, and where I am.
  5. Making sure my caregiver takes care of himself, and keeping our marriage strong.  This has been a bit difficult.  My husband will not admit that caring for me wears on him.  He will say sometimes he feels weary then he thinks about what I’m going through and it goes away.  He also says it is an honor to care for me.  He loves me so much, he feels honored that I trust him so much with so much that he has to see.  He never gets grossed out, and always makes me feel loved, even during the most degrading moments.   We keep our marriage strong ….in many ways.  I thank him every day for the things he does, and when I can do things, I do.  I try to do little things he really likes, for example when I can cook, I try to make things I know he loves, and that is healthy.   In many ways my being sick has brought our marriage closer.  One BIG thing we do, we see a counselor together.  Sometimes we individually go in, but normally we are together.  We can say things there and it’s safe, and if we thought it might hurt the other, she can defuse it and make us understand where it’s coming from.  This has made a HUGE difference in how we treat each other.

We also take advantage of my good days. We even try hard on the bad days.  We always show each other that we care.  We curl up together, we massage each other (I admit I get more than I  give here), we go for drives together….and on special nights when I’m really feeling good, we go on a date.

 

This was easier than I thought it would be.  I do still have some positive outlooks still in me.  Yes, I’m depressed, but I should be, as I said before.  I think the only reason I haven’t been able to deal with the latest diagnosis (Intracranial Hypertension) is that I’m getting conflicting news from different doctors in my team.  And I just don’t know what’s going on with this….my migraine specialist thinks most of my symptoms are caused by migraines.  So the IH, may not be a big deal right now.  But the medication for it is still helping, so that says I should have it….but I’m confused.  So confused.  But I’m positive, it will get better.

So yes, this was a good prompt.  It made me think about my health issues, and it made me look deeper about things than I had been.  I’ve only been dealing with the overwhelming emotions, not the thought process behind them.

So thanks WEGO HAWMC team for this prompt!

I Keep Writing Because…. #HAWMC Day 24

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness7 Comments

Bonus Prompt: I keep writing because… Start your post with this sentence and, as the title says, keep writing. Free write for 15 minutes without stopping and see where it takes you.

(today’s original prompt was to post a Health Mascot.  My dog Sandy is my mascot, but I couldn’t right about that today.  She died April 18th, one day I’ll write about what a brave, and wonderful dog she was, how many health issues she had and over came, how she was as the vet often called her, “a Wonder Dog”.  But not today.)

photo from Flicker Sharing by earthunderheaven (to find more of their work click on the photo.)

I keep writing because…recently I keep writing because I am determined to finish this challenge.

Actually, I’ve begun to wonder, why I keep writing.  I know why I started, I know I have made some good contacts, friends, and my heart has been here. This blog has really helped me through some tough times when I felt no one else was listening.  I’d write, just to write, and I found there were others out there, others who felt like I did, others who needed to have that contact too.  Now, I’m hurting so much.  I’ve had so much loss this past year.  I felt I dealt with each one, I was strong, and positive.  I was told I was the most positive person someone knew.  I was proud of myself and how I was looking at life.

Then another diagnosis came earlier this year, and it has been hard to deal with.  I couldn’t be that positive about it.  I’m still a bit in shock from it, and simply not sure how to look on things positively.  I’m larger than I’ve ever been, and the doctors just seem to be ignoring it, yet they tell me my triglycerides are high, and I’m borderline high blood pressure….ect….but they all say, don’t worry about the weight right now, you have to focus on this.  I’m afraid I’m on my way to diabetes.  I read all these books on nutrition, cut out soda, all High Fructose Corn Syrup, snack on nuts, cheese, fruit, veggies, eat at home more, cut out gluten….all these will help you lose weight…but I do all of that.  so why can’t I lose weight?  I need help, I’ve been to a nutritionist, no help.  Most don’t even know what fructose intolerance is….I know more than most of the “professionals”.  I’m grieving for the loss of what I used to be, what I used to look like.  I now have no energy, can’t exercise because it will raise my CSF pressure, I can’t walk for long because of my hips, I can’t even enjoy sex.

I’m grieving because I lost everything that I gained early last year.  I can’t drive again…but I have a cute little car.  I can’t be a foster parent, even though we went through all the classes had all the references…everything…but no, I can’t because it wouldn’t be fair with my health issues to bring a child into this.  And frankly I don’t think I’d pass the physical now.

and worst of all I lost my best friend, my little baby dog.  A HUGE part of me died with her.  I have to find a way to make that part live again.  To put the pieces of my life back together, even if some of the pieces are missing

Why do I write? Because I need to.

But I also need to take a break.

I may write sporadically for a while to let you know what is going on, but I need to take a break from the internet.  I won’t be reading other people’s blogs as much or commenting as much.  I need to take some time to focus on me.  I may write about it, I may not.  right now I’m simply trying to figure out how to get past all the grief of things I’ve lost this year, or how to grieve without losing myself.  I need to focus more on the spiritual side of me.  I need to make some huge decisions.  My husband and I need to grieve over our Sandy together, and figure out how we will carry on with our family now that such a huge part of it is gone.  We may end up moving.  As I said a lot of decisions….and a lot of needs.

But yes I will write again.  Because I must.

End 15 minutes…plus a little to put in the photo.  : )