“The first thing is to love yourself.
You cannot progress by self doubt and self hatred.
You can only progress by self love.”
~ Dipa Ma
“You can search throughout the entire universe
for someone who is more deserving
of your love and affection than you are yourself,
and that person is not to be found anywhere.
You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe,
deserve your love and affection”
~Buddha
**another photo by my friend Kara. All rights reserved. Please do not use.
Friday was a normal day. I didn’t have a lot to do (bored). I’d been sitting in my chair reading when I got up to let our dog out. I got about a two feet and I ran into this:
again…..and did this
happened…..again.
About 4, or was it 5, years ago, I tripped on my walker and broke my foot. At least that time I was using it. On Friday it was just sitting beside me. I haven’t needed it lately, but I keep it close, just in case. A little too close to my foot as it turns out.
It hurt, like it does when you stub your toe, I didn’t think it was broken. It just didn’t hurt enough. I had this discussion with another chronically ill friend and she said the same thing about when she broke her foot. It really speaks volumes as to how differently we feel pain.
Stuart talked me in to going to Urgent Care to get it checked out since I’d broken it before, and was told it would be easier to break again, I decided it’d probably be a good idea. (I hate to say it, but knowing we have met our out of pocket maximum for the year, made it an easier decision.) I hobbled in Urgent Care, got checked in and was seen right away. I had an x-ray and the attending physician said my x-ray showed irregularities. She couldn’t tell if what she was seeing was all from the last break or if it was a new break. She thought it was broken, but a radiologist needed to read it to be certain. I was sent home with The Boot, and the radiologist would call on Monday. They did, and it is broken.
This time it’s not as bad as it was the first time. I didn’t twist my ankle or anything like that. I’ll be in the boot for 4 weeks instead of 12. It’s hot and heavy, but it is taking good care of my broken foot, for that I love my boot.
On the other end, I started physical therapy (PT) for my back last week. What’s wrong with my back you ask? I’m not exactly sure. I did fall, so I might have wrenched it then. (that was over a month ago). I had severe akathisia (the need to keep moving) for over a month. This caused me to constantly tense my muscles. It’s possible, my back just never calmed down. I also have arthritis in my neck, this is causing a lot of pain recently. PT will hopefully help that as well.
So far, I feel like the PT has been aggravating my arthritis. I discussed this with my physical therapist yesterday and he did a few things differently. Hopefully, these changes will improve the pain and still help me get stronger. If not, I know I can talk with him about it and we will work to make it better, to make me better. I’m so impressed by this office. Appointments are supposed to an hour long. As most of us know, that normally means you are actually seen about 45 minutes, sometimes less. My normal amount of time at this office is 1 hour 15 mins. Yesterday I was there for an hour and a half. I hope I get the results I’m looking for, it won’t be for lack of trying.
I’m happy to say that my migraines are still much, much better. I’ve had a few, but nothing like I was. I haven’t had a lot of vertigo. This past week I’ve had a few times where I’ve had really fast spins that last for just a couple of seconds, or very slow movement that I can barely see (but it makes me very nauseous). Overall, I’m feeling healthier than I have in years. I don’t know how long this will last, so I’m trying hard to make the most of this time.
Saturday was a day that I will always remember, some very good, some very, very bad.
We started the day running fun errands. Going to the library, and then to Michaels. I got a lovely gift card for my birthday. Can we say…YARN! 🙂 Then we had a fabulous lunch at a restaurant that we’ve been wanting to try. They focus on sustainable seafood. I had grilled fish over greens with fresh pickled vegetables. Then we shared homemade gelato for desert. It was a divine meal to top off a lovely morning.
Then we got home. Stuart was doing laundry (something I can’t do) and I noticed that he hadn’t treated a shirt that I asked him to. I saw RED! I flew into him. I was so angry!! I told him exactly where I was putting 2 shirts that needed to be treated and he was just disregarding what I asked and was going to ruin my clothes…..I have no idea all of the things I said.
self portrait – w. holcombe
After HOURS of arguing, of me closing myself in the bedroom, then getting mad that he didn’t come after me…..over and over. It was so bad. I look back on it and it is a whirlwind. However, at the time I could not see that I was out of control. I felt completely justified in how I behaved. When for a moment I thought I was overreacting about a silly shirt. (Both of these shirts are shirts I only wear around the house and to bed. They could be stained, who would care. However, even if it had been a $200 shirt, it would not have excused the way I acted.) I blew up about the fact that I can’t do laundry. How if I was doing laundry and he told me to treat something I wouldn’t have forgotten (yes, I was suddenly perfect!) He just didn’t pay attention because he didn’t want to do it…..ect, ect.
Finally, it was 10pm and Stuart was trying to go to bed, but I wasn’t finished. I was still all upset. It would appear I was calming down now and then throughout all of this, but then it would come back full force. That’s what happened at bed time. I was getting ready for bed, then I fell apart, and started yelling again. I then left him to the bed and said I would see him the next day. Soon he came out and wanted to talk. Fine. Talk. He was so confused. He wanted to know what had changed. He told me that I have been very defensive for the past few weeks. I’ll be fine one moment then snapping at him for no reason. He said I’ve been taking much of what he says in a negative way. I just sat there and fumed. He then broke down. He wanted to know if he had changed, had he caused this change in me? I made my husband cry. At that moment, the rage lifted, I still felt it’s presence but I took a deep breath, calmed myself and came back to center. Suddenly I felt relief. Then I thought: “What have I done?”
It’s been a long time, I didn’t even recognize the signs.
Bipolar Rage
All this mess with my medication, well it appears I’m not on the right mix yet.
But do I blame all of this on medication? Why did I not realize I was being more confrontational then usual? Normally, I’m very aware of changes in my behavior. I know when things are off, I’m very proactive about it. This time, I was blind sided. All of my coping strategies out the window. How can you incorporate coping strategies when you don’t see anything is wrong?
I’m much more aware now. I’m doing a lot of deep breathing exercises and trying to meditate more. Exercise would be good, but I’m not allowed to do that until my back gets better. (I haven’t mentioned I hurt my back yet? I’ll try and write that up soon) I’m trying to stay in this moment and not beat myself up over what happened on Saturday, or what has been happening over the past few weeks. Remembering to be gentle with myself. And I’m pampering my husband as much as I can. He needs to know that it isn’t him. He needs to know that no matter how bad I act, I still love him and would NEVER hurt him on purpose.
A few days ago I started seeing flashes of light in my left eye, with this came a lot more floaters than I had before. Suddenly I have all kinds of shadowy lines and wavy creatures in my field of vision. It’s just filled with trash. That’s what the eye doctor called it, “trash”.
I wasn’t worried about the new floaters, I’ve had some floaters for as long as I can remember. The flashes concerned me. It looked like one of my little floaters suddenly caught fire and burned out just as quick. Zap! This can be a sign of that your retina is detaching, so I needed to see an ophthalmologist as soon as possible. Truthfully, I wasn’t really worried, my vision was fine, and the flashes were just now and then. They seem to be more when I’m tired. *shrug* I tired to stay in the moment and not worry. I had to wait a day to see the doctor (if my vision had been compromised I would have gone to the emergency room). I consulted Dr. Google and decided I could have a Posterior Vitreous Detachment….hmmm.
The trip to the eye doctor was interesting. I was confused from the start. I decided to go back by myself. I didn’t think I needed Stuart to have my eyes examined. The technician who took me back began to tell me to cost of an eye exam but if I wanted a more detailed exam it would cost more…..I told her I was there for a medical reason, she wrote it down but still asked if I was there for a glasses or contact lens exam. So I thought I was not only getting checked out but I was also getting an eye exam. That’s not what happened.
I should say that she talked really fast and wouldn’t look straight at me when she spoke. Yes, I did explain that I’m deaf and I needed her to look at me when when spoke and I really needed her to slow down. I stopped her three times and asked her to SLOW DOWN. She’d say, “sorry”, and then talk just like she was before. No change what so ever. So I’m not exactly sure what she had to say.
I was placed in the exam room and the doctor came in shortly. He was an older man with a very fake smile. I told him what was wrong and he kept nodding his head up and down smiling. I began to wonder if he really heard me. Then he said, “That’s what everyone is here for today. Floaters and flashes!” BIG SMILE – chuckle- I guess this was supposed to ease my mind. If he was smiling like that then surly it couldn’t be serious. It made me very uncomfortable. I began to wonder if something was REALLY wrong. Then he puts the dilating drops in my eyes. If you’ve had this done, you know those drops burn. He didn’t warn me that they would burn. He just smiled as he put them in and handed me a tissue. I said, “You didn’t tell me it would burn” “Oh yeah, they burn.” SMILE “good thing I already knew they would” Blank stare. Then he left. I was alone in that room with nothing to do but think. Was Dr. Smiley hiding something? What if my retina detached? what if I lost my eye sight? Could I survive with being deaf and blind? Yes, I worked myself up a bit, but then I took a deep breath and calmed down. I brought myself back to center and just breathed. Whatever may be, it will be. Deep breath.
Finally he came in to see if I was dilated enough. He told me that I looked like an owl. He then did a very thorough eye exam with a LOT of very bright light shinning in my eyes. Thank goodness I did not have a migraine. He said he saw the big floater and a lot of little ones. (The big one is the new, looks like a piece of string all crumpled.) He said my retina looked good, no signs of detachment.
He explained that the gel sac (vitreous) in the back of the eye is detaching from the back of the eye. He said that since I am extremely nearsighted that my eye is already stretched and pulling on the back of the eye, now it is coming loose. The floaters are the “trash” from where it pulled free. This big floater will hopefully break up and be less obvious over the next few months, but he warned me that he has one that he still gets flashes from after 2 years. This is pretty much right, but I like the way it’s worded below better.
I have what is called Posterior Vitreous Detachment. “Most of the eye’s interior is filled with vitreous, a gel-like substance that helps the eye maintain a round shape. There are millions of fine fibers intertwined within the vitreous that are attached to the surface of the retina, the eye’s light-sensitive tissue. As we age, the vitreous slowly shrinks, and these fine fibers pull on the retinal surface. Usually the fibers break, allowing the vitreous to separate and shrink from the retina. This is a vitreous detachment.” *National Eye Institute. For some the symptoms are not noticeable.
I have to keep a watch out over the next couple of months, if there is any change in my vision or if there is an increase in the flashes I need to be seen as soon as possible, as that could mean complications, like a retina detachment.
I was seen to the front desk to check out. I was very confused because I didn’t get an eye exam. The same technician who checked me in told me that when the doctor needs to see you for a medical reason he doesn’t do an exam that day. Confused much?
“Waking up this morning, I smile. Twenty-four brand new hours are before me. I vow to live fully in each moment and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.”
~ Thich Nhat Hanh
“Breathing in, I calm body and mind. Breathing out, I smile. Dwelling in the present moment I know this is the only moment.”
“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it… it’s just easier if you do.”
~ Byron Katie
“All I have is all I need and all I need is all I have in this moment.”
~ Byron Katie
“Do not resist your pain.
Surrender to the grief, despair, fear, loneliness,
or whatever form the suffering takes.
Witness it without labelling it mentally.
Allow it to be there.
Embrace it.
Then see how the miracle of surrender transmutes
deep suffering into deep peace.”
~ Eckhart Tolle
“With mindfulness we have the choice of
responding with compassion to the pain
of craving, anger, fear and confusion.
Without mindfulness we are stuck in the
reactive pattern and identification that
will inevitably create more suffering and confusion.”
~ Noah Levine
*image taken by S. Holcombe, permission is required for use.
Today is the first day I’ve had any relief from the restlessness caused by my medications. In my post about my side effects I mentioned that my antidepressant caused me to have restlessness and my doctor put me on something else to counteract the side effects. I thought it was going to work at first, but it didn’t. She changed the medication to a new one that should have helped with the side effects, instead it made it worse. And my hair started falling out! (not in clumps but my brush has to be cleaned at least twice a day)
The restlessness has been severe. On Thursday I was at my therapist office pacing, and sobbing as I couldn’t be still and my muscles have been so fatigued they just can’t keep going. I’m amazed I haven’t lost a ton of weight. (I have lost some, just not a lot compared to how much I’ve been moving) I’ve been moving constantly. and I do mean c-o-n-s-t-a-n-t-l-y! I don’t feel like I can portray just how horrible this is. I feel like my muscles in my back are tightening up all by themselves. My back HURTS. I just need to move. It is very hard for me to sit here and type this post because I really NEED to be up and moving. And yes, this is a better day.
My therapist talked with my psychiatrist while I was in the office. She was concerned I might be going manic. I’m not. I do feel a little like it, the motion, the antsy feeling….but it’s different than this. This is different. It is in no way good. When mania first starts with me, it feels good. (unfortunately, that’s why people shy away from treatment so often, it can feel good, but things change) I think my psychiatrist finally understood just how bad it was. I don’t think the messages she was receiving portrayed the situation correctly. Poor Stuart was calling her office a LOT.
After she talked with my therapist she changed up my medications. Possibly because I said I wanted to be off anything that MAY cause restlessness. Just start over. Yes, I’m risking my sanity by switching antidepressants, but I’m doing well and I’m very aware of what I’m doing so if I start getting depressed I’ll know what is causing it. That is the first step in dealing with it for me. I know it will stop.
I wrote the previous part of this post yesterday (Saturday), today I’m not doing well at all. I don’t know why I felt somewhat better yesterday, today is hard. I wish I knew exactly what I have. The name it is called. She mentioned kinesia, but that encompasses so much. From what I’ve read it sounds like I have Akathisia (A feeling of muscle quivering, restlessness and inability to sit still, sometimes a side effect of antipsychotic or antidepressant medication – Mayo Clinic) I’ve been reading that some of this can become permanent. “Please do not let this last forever. Please don’t let it last much longer.” I really feel like I just can’t deal with it much longer. This is the stuff a nervous breakdown is made of. My mental health drugs have caused extreme physical changes, this hasn’t been helping my mental state of mind, but I’m not manic or majorly depressed at this moment. yes, I’m a little depressed, but who wouldn’t be under these circumstances?
Unfortunately, today is a bad motion day. I do have moments where I feel somewhat normal, but that is normally when I’m really concentrating on something else. I just want to get up and move. But moving really doesn’t help the feeling get better. I just NEED to do it. I’ve never had a feeling like this and it is very hard to explain, I hope I’ve made it understandable.
I’m confident that things will get better, but I must admit I have the fear in the back of my mind that it won’t get better. Then I try to bring myself back to the present and deal with it one moment at a time. I CAN DO THIS!
*all artwork on Picnic with Ants created by Wendy Holcombe unless otherwise noted. Please do not use this image without permission.
Picnic with Ants 