I can’t be still…….


Today is the first day I’ve had any relief from the restlessness caused by my medications.  In my post about my side effects I mentioned that my antidepressant caused me to have restlessness and my doctor put me on something else to counteract the side effects.  I thought it was going to work at first, but it didn’t.  She changed the medication to a new one that should have helped with the side effects, instead it made it worse.  And my hair started falling out!  (not in clumps but my brush has to be cleaned at least twice a day)

The restlessness has been severe.  On Thursday I was at my therapist office pacing, and sobbing as I couldn’t be still and my muscles have been so fatigued they just can’t keep going.  I’m amazed I haven’t lost a ton of weight. (I have lost some, just not a lot compared to how much I’ve been moving)  I’ve been moving constantly.  and I do mean c-o-n-s-t-a-n-t-l-y!  I don’t feel like I can portray just how horrible this is.  I feel like my muscles in my back are tightening up all by themselves.  My back HURTS.  I just need to move.  It is very hard for me to sit here and type this post because I really NEED to be up and moving.  And yes, this is a better day.

My therapist talked with my psychiatrist while I was in the office.  She was concerned I might be going manic.  I’m not.  I do feel a little like it, the motion, the antsy feeling….but it’s different than this.  This is different.  It is in no way good.  When mania first starts with me, it feels good.  (unfortunately, that’s why people shy away from treatment so often, it can feel good, but things change)  I think my psychiatrist finally understood just how bad it was.  I don’t think the messages she was receiving portrayed the situation correctly.  Poor Stuart was calling her office a LOT.

After she talked with my therapist she changed up my medications.  Possibly because I said I wanted to be off anything that MAY cause restlessness.  Just start over.   Yes, I’m risking my sanity by switching antidepressants, but I’m doing well and I’m very aware of what I’m doing so if I start getting depressed I’ll know what is causing it.  That is the first step in dealing with it for me.  I know it will stop.

I wrote the previous part of this post yesterday (Saturday), today I’m not doing well at all.  I don’t know why I felt somewhat better yesterday, today is hard.  I wish I knew exactly what I have.  The name it is called.  She mentioned kinesia, but that encompasses so much.   From what I’ve read it sounds like I have Akathisia (A feeling of muscle quivering, restlessness and inability to sit still, sometimes a side effect of antipsychotic or  antidepressant medication – Mayo Clinic)   I’ve  been reading that some of this can become permanent.  “Please do not let this last forever.  Please don’t let it last much longer.”  I really feel like I just can’t deal with it much longer.  This is the stuff a nervous breakdown is made of.  My mental health drugs have caused extreme physical changes, this hasn’t been helping my mental state of mind, but I’m not manic or majorly depressed at this moment.  yes, I’m a little depressed, but who wouldn’t be under these circumstances?

Unfortunately, today is a bad motion day.  I do have moments where I feel somewhat normal, but that is normally when I’m really concentrating on something else.   I just want to get up and move.  But moving really doesn’t help the feeling get better.  I just NEED to do it.  I’ve never had a feeling like this and it is very hard to explain, I hope I’ve made it understandable.

I’m confident that things will get better, but I must admit I have the fear in the back of my mind that it won’t get better.  Then I try to bring myself back to the present and deal with it one moment at a time.   I CAN DO THIS!


*all artwork on Picnic with Ants created by Wendy Holcombe unless otherwise noted.  Please do not use this image without permission.


22 thoughts on “I can’t be still…….

  1. Rita McGregor

    Oh, Sweetie!! That sounds just awful!! I hope they can figure this out soon. It sounds like maybe they were finally listening to you. How on earth can you even sleep?! Love and hugs from Fargo!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sometimes, it takes the body a while to heal from a drug-caused problem. Doesn’t make the feeling any better, but it does give some hope that you will recover and the restlessness will ease. You got one better day, maybe tomorrow.
    And congrats on being WordPress’s recommended thumbs up post for the day. Just think of how many posts go up on WordPress, and you made the best of! Not a tradeoff for not needing to move, but a special achievement.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. I’m sure it will get better….I’m sure it will. 😐
      I’m so glad you liked this painting. It’s one of my favorites. It’s 6 feet tall. Heehee

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I am feeling a bit better today. Hope it’s even better tomorrow.
      I think she does care, it’s tricky with psych drugs, she didn’t want to risk my moods getting all out of control. (Luckily I’ve been pretty stable through this.) So it took several trial and error to get it right. The next med caused it too!
      I really do feel better tonight.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I know that mania is a serious concern, but I wish the shrinks wouldn’t always go there FIRST. Extreme anxiety over new symptoms can look a lot like mania too – and since disordered thinking is also a red flag for a mania dx, wouldn’t you think the fact that you can interact cogently despite what’s going on would make them think twice and LISTEN?!

    I’m glad she consulted with your psychiatrist in your presence – so that, together, they could ACT to attempt to reduce your symptoms post haste. I’m still running behind on my reading, so I hope your ‘one better day’ has been followed by many that are increasingly better.

    Whenever I learn of something new you must find a way to endure I always think of the book of Job – which has been a life-long struggle to understand. How a supposedly loving God can visit human suffering intentionally to win a bet will ALWAYS be beyond me.

    Nevertheless, I continue to pray that He will intercede and that you will be healed of ALL your afflictions. THAT would be a miracle that would leave no doubt in my mind that He actually is who he claims He is.
    (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMORE dot com)
    ADD/EFD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder
    “It takes a village to transform a world!”

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Pingback: Sitting is a Luxury | Picnic with Ants

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