I’ve had some good days recently, unfortunately today isn’t one. I woke up with a migraine today that has left me feeling icky. Meds worked but left me feeling a bit off….then headache returned. It’s minor right now, waiting to see if I need more meds.
On to the Good Days!
This photo is not enhanced. The sky really was that blue!
Remember when I said, I was going to take advantage of every good day and live it to the fullest? Well, I’m keeping my promise. Now, what one might call living life to the fullest, and what I call it, may be vastly different things. Just remember for about 6 months I was barely able to get out of bed, so the small things mean the world to me!
Has a wonderful day earlier this week, just enjoying the unseasonable warm weather. As you can see from the photo above, taken from our back yard, it was a beautiful day with a bright blue sky. This color sky is unusual for our neck of the woods, I haven’t seen a sky this blue since moving from California.
On Wednesday had my eyes examined, and have new glasses on the way! Afterward, I didn’t want to go home, so Stuart and I went to the mall. Just window shopping really. He wanted to try on some shoes he was interested in to decide if he really wanted them. He loved them! So, surprise! I ordered them for his birthday. Of course, they arrived today, and I couldn’t wait to give them to him…so he got his birthday present early! (his birthday is February 6th, shh, don’t tell him, but I have another surprise planned.) He’s so thrilled with his shoes, he’s been wearing them ever since he opened the package.
We walked all around the mall and had a nice afternoon together. That night, I was in much pain. My hips and lower back…oh my goodness. I took a hot bath with Epsom Salts, and felt better, but still had a hard time sleeping.
I’ve been in the kitchen quite a bit this week. You all know how much I love that! I have a lot of things to add to Wendy Cooks! We bought some plain ground pork and I made Italian Sausage without onion or garlic! I cooked that with potatoes, and kale. What a nice dinner. The next day I made Sticky Pork Chops. Served those with roasted green beans and rice. Stuart’s feeling spoiled. He’s so happy I’m cooking again. We also made a big pot of chicken stock. (Stuart actually got this one going.)
This is Sandy and Max while we were traveling across country. See how well they do in the car together?
Yesterday we took the furry babies to the vet. Sandy really just came along for the ride. She did have a pedicure, but the main reason she was there was to calm Max. It’s so funny, Max really loves his dog. If we take him to the vet, he does so much better if Sandy is with him. Max got his annual check-up and shots. Our vet is so in love with our pets. Sandy is referred to as the “Wonder Dog!” If you read my blog regularly you probably know this, but Sandy is 19 years old, she has bladder cancer, cataracts have taken most of her vision, and she’s very hard of hearing. In July of 2010 we were told she had probably 3 months to live, but she may last up to a year. Well, she’s still going strong! Still runs and plays…she acts like a dog less than half her age! Our pets also have very good temperaments. They don’t fight the vet, as long as they are together, and mommy is near they have no troubles.
Last night I had a challenge. We took a friend out to dinner who is moving away for a new job. She wanted steak, so we went to the Texas Roadhouse. If any of you have ever been to a Texas Roadhouse, you know how noisy it can be. Normally they seat us in a booth with a very tall back, it’s much easier for me to hear if there is no noise behind me. This time, we sat in a booth with a low back. It was a challenge for me to hear. Stuart sat to my right, on my hearing aid side. Our friend sat across from me. Luckily, she has a voice I hear pretty well, and she remembers to look at me and speak clearly (most of the time). I think I only had to ask her to repeat something 3 times. Yay! Stuart on the other hand, I could barely hear. It’s amazing how much I depend on lip reading (they call it speech reading now, I don’t know why). We stayed at the restaurant for nearly 3 hours. So,I feel I passed this challenge fairly well. I was so excited! But I know it would not have gone as well with more people, or with someone who has a voice with a frequency I can’t hear well. (I’ll take the victory though! Eating out with a friend, something I haven’t done in a VERY long time.)
Unfortunately, the GI stuff hasn’t gotten better. Looking forward to find out what the dietitian has to say about getting the Fructose Malabsorption under control. I’ll be seeing her Wednesday of next week.
Whew, today is a bit of a rough one. My head hurts. Think I need to get off of the computer and take some more pills. I planed on making Spaghetti tonight with the rest of the Italian sausage. We may have left overs instead. Unless I can talked my dear hubby into making the spaghetti. It’s times like these I wish I could just eat sauce from a jar, but alas, it’s not to be. Plus, homemade is so much better!
As I’ve mentioned before, I haven’t had the greatest sleep schedule, or sleep at all really. So my doctor put me on Rozerem. Rozerem is a sleep aid, but it isn’t addictive, and can take up to a week for full effects. 4% of the patients had increased dizziness compared to 3% who took the placebo. So a good choice for me, right? Umm, not so much. It was prescribed before my surgery and each time I took it I woke up with vertigo.
Rozerem Ad
Last night I decided to give it a try again, thinking possibly it would be different now since things have calmed down so much.
Yes, I should have known better. I woke up, not with vertigo exactly, but the world is not being still! I’m using the walker to get to the bathroom and every time I move my head to either side I feel like I’m going to barf. I have acid reflux so bad, it hurts all the way down my esophagus and into my stomach. Neither my prescription acid medication nor Maalox is working. And the diarrhea is back. (yes I had one day of normality, yesterday, I’ve not eaten any vegetables, except a pickle and a piece of lettuce on my burger yesterday, for 3 days. The burgers I made, so I know they were safe. I think most of the diarrhea today is because of the spinny head. It does put me in the fight or flight mode, constantly expecting a full-blown attack.
I got the book Food Intolerance Management Plan by Sue Shepherd yesterday. It has the most up to date information about Fructose Malabsorption and other food intolerances. Sue Shepherd is considered THE expert in Fructose Malabsorption (FructMal). So I looked at the book, from cover to cover yesterday. I just knew I’d find something I’ve been doing wrong. Nope. I’ve been eating all safe foods. This book gives a lot more variety than I’ve been eating, and says I can eat much larger servings than I have been. So why is it that every time I eat a vegetable, I get sick? Ugh! I’m working on it. That’s my big goal this year, find out how to stop this GI trouble! Then I’ll think about losing weight.
So enough about my bad day. (we all know, it’s just a day, one day at a time right?)
Did you see the last part…Wikipedia will join the Blackout!!! (Don’t forget the Blackout is the 18th, so you may be on line and not be able to find many of your favorite spots.)
If Google would join, that would make all the difference. Could you imagine a day without Google? Even just shutting down their search engine would make a huge statement. But alas, I doubt they will.
However, it also looks like WordPress has joined the strike, so my blog may not show up anyway. Neither would any other blog on WordPress.
On a different soap box….Don’t forget to PLEASE sign the petition about Headache Disorders – The Petition is Here.
Now, I’m going to take a nap, and hope my head is less wonky when I get up!
Please look over the following flyer and take a moment to sign the petition that urges Congressional hearings on the impact of migraine and headache disorders.
If everyone who has chronic headaches, or knows a friend or loved who does, would take a moment to sign this petition, I dare to say that would include nearly everyone in the United States.
Everyone reading this post knows at least one person who has chronic migraines…ME!
Won’t you please take just a moment and sign this petition, and if you could, would you please ask everyone you know to sign. This could change many lives!!
What shall I start with… How about the GREAT NEWS!
Stuart accepted a job yesterday. He had two companies make offers and it was hard to choose between them, but he chose the job that allows him to telecommute. I believe his title is Senior Software Engineer at MEDSEEK. (he’s been working with the medical industry for a long time and enjoys it. Hopefully, he will be very happy in this new position.) We’re excited! He starts on the 23rd.
Also good news, Stuart’s sister had her second child today….well technically yesterday. He will be sharing the same birthday as my sister. (I hope that doesn’t jinx him, at least I’ll never forget it!) His name is Johnathan David…after his grandfathers. Looking forward to pictures.
I’ve had some good days, today was a pretty decent day. We got out of the house, and went grocery shopping. Yes, I was excited about that! I cooked a great meal a couple of nights ago, and am looking forward to cooking more often.
However, I’ve had some Wonky Slosh Head days too. The 11th…not a good day. It was overcast or raining all day, and my head felt like it was full of goop, and my brain was sloshing around inside of it. For the first time in weeks, I felt I needed help walking.
Today, I had the strangest tinnitus. I always have some sounds, and at times they can get pretty obnoxious and just odd, but this time I could feel it. What comes to mind is the poem, “I heard a Fly Buzz” by Emily Dickinson, luckily I wasn’t dying. However, I could also feel the thing in my ear. The vibration was so annoying…and dang it all…strange. I sincerely hope I do not have that sensation again.
My hearing, is also strange. The ear I had operated on in December had 0% word recognition in November. Now it’s fluctuating, a lot! Sometimes I hear nothing out of that ear, sometimes I can hear Stuart talking when I don’t have my hearing aid in the other ear. And I promise I’m not hearing out of that ear! Speaking of that ear, I think my hearing is dropping and/or simply getting more distorted.
the sign for ASL (American Sign Language) - photo from Lee Clarion University where ASL counts as a Foreign Language Credit
I’m so happy we are starting our ASL classes in 2 weeks. I really need a back-up way to communicate.
I have a question, for those of you with Meniere’s. How many of you were told you would have “burn out”? I learned today, from a hearing loss specialist, that they no longer believe burn out happens. I’m involved in an email group from The Say What Club (SWC), they have a few groups for people who are Deaf or Hard of Hearing. I’m a member of the Meniere’s Group. Everyone on there has some pretty profound hearing loss. I’ve found that a few on the board are a bit older than I am. I know one man is 76. No one has experience “burn out”. Only one member has no vertigo any longer, and he had Streptomycin injections, so he had no balance center.
On another note, there are a few on there who have Cochlear Implants, and love them, they say they are they are much clearer than hearing aids! I’m beginning to look forward to the time when I can get one. Then I think, I may just want to embrace the deaf world. I’ve been pretty conflicted. Then I thought, why do I have to choose? I think I’ll probably do a bit of both. If I can get a CI, I probably will. But I want to know ASL and be involved in the deaf community too. You never know when technology may fail.
Coming soon…learn all about a different part of my life. Bipolar I Disorder and Me.
Sorry, Not an actual photo of us, but I'm sure you can feel of the sensation! Whee!
On January 6th, and 7th, we went driving around in my Little Yellow Bug with the top down! That’s right, the convertible was being used with the TOP DOWN, in JANUARY! Woot! Last winter was full of snow, and rain, and ice…and well it was just miserable. Much colder and much more snow than North Carolina normally has. However, if there is one thing I’ve learned about living in the South East, weather is anything but normal.
This winter has been mild so far, just a few freezing days, I think I could count them on one hand. I’m loving it, but it’s odd, even for N.C. We will often have a warm patch in the winter, but this is like Spring. The plants are so confused. My herb garden has new growth, my neighbor’s Irises are coming up, yes, the people and plants alike love this weather, but I’m afraid the plants will suffer greatly when the freezing days arrive again. It looks like it will be cloudy and/or raining for most of the week. I bet it turns cold after that.
I took this photo from our wild flower garden, Fall 2011
I’ve been feeling better than I did before the surgery, some days I feel really good! Like yesterday, it was a good day. We had to do a little shopping, so we put the top down, and took the long way through the country to the store. It was blissful. We came home and I worked in my studio for an hour..maybe two. Earlier in the day I threw some things in the Slow Cooker, so I even made dinner!
I’m still having a lot of GI issues. I can’t figure this fructose thing out I guess. I finally found a book I’ve been told will help me so very much! The book is not available in the U.S. (at least not yet.) It was published in Australia. I started to give up and order it from Australia, but it would have cost me close to $70 with shipping and tax. I just couldn’t do it. Finally I found the book at a used book store on-line, thanks AbeBooks. For less than $45. They only had one copy. I snapped it up! So I should get it in a couple of weeks. I also found a nutritionist who is “well versed” in Fructose Malabsorption and the low FODMAPS diet. Woo Hoo! Finally! I may start seeing her later this month, or early next month. I want to see what the book says first. This running to the bathroom 6-10 times a day is old! I’m really tired of my GI system just refusing to work right. **TMI time…I had a rush moment to the bathroom today, I’d already been 4 times, this one was very loose and black…yes, black. Scared the crap out of me (pun intended) . I thought OMG I’m bleeding internally. Then I remembered I took Pepto Bismol last night, a bit more than I intended to. Please, if you take Pepto, remember it can turn your stools black, and your tongue a funny color too, but I’ve only had that happen once. So don’t let it scare you….like it seems to always catch me off guard.
Today, I have Slosh Head. I feel stuffy, and woozy. I’m nauseous most of the time lately. If I’m eating, the nausea is relieved, but shortly after I eat it returns. ick. But today is worse. The tinnitus is screaming, my hearing is down! (I only heard 3 dings..barely..when I turned my hearing aid on, I normally hear 5…they are different frequencies, so I’m not hearing some of them) The TV sounds tinny, Stuart sounds muffled. I just don’t feel good at all today. I feel like Mr. Meniere’s is battling with Allergy Man and Human Barometer is getting his licks in too! All inside my head..and tummy! Just ick.
**GREAT NEWS** Now the reason I can even consider spending money ….Stuart has been offered a job!
Actually he’s negotiating with TWO companies. One is telecommuting, one is ‘local’. Stuart has asked the recruiter for the ‘local’ job, if they would consider allowing him to telecommute and come in perhaps one day a week. (commuting to and from Raleigh. the next city over, is not fun! Rush hour is horrible, he’d spend at least 3 hours a day in his car…plus the wear and tear on the car, the extra pollution, and parking…ect…it all ads up.) They have until Tuesday to make a decision and an offer, he told the other company he would give them a decision on Wednesday. They both sound like excellent companies, and Stuart enjoyed his interview with both. So, either way, I think he’ll be happy.
He’s been out of work since Halloween. I knew it would be hard to find a job over the holidays, and it was. But he wasn’t idle. He sent out resumes…lot’s of resumes, had interviews, sold things on eBay, cleaned out his office, is preparing to sell the other car….he’s been a busy man…plus taking care of me wasn’t easy right after my surgery. I’m actually grateful he wasn’t working for a while there. Now that the holidays are over, he is in demand! I know it feels good. You can tell he’s feeling good about things.
That’s all for now. I feel like I could just talk and talk. I think I need to write more than I have been lately, shorter posts more often? That may be a good idea!
If I could feel the way I have since New Year’s Eve Eve, December 23rd, minus the migraines, I would be very happy!
Every day for the past….I don’t know how many…days I’ve woken up with a migraine. Most days I can take something, and it ebbs enough that I can do something, often I have to take something numerous times a day, but at least it has been tolerable after taking the medication. Unfortunately, one of my medications, I can only get 18 a month, so if I have to take 2 a day to help with the headaches they won’t last very long. My doctor said we need to wait 3 months after surgery to start trying new treatments for the migraines. We need to see what this will do first. One month down! Just two more to go! (this is the first day since the 30th, that I have spent the day in bed. My head hasn’t eased up much today, for a little bit here and there…like now..but most of the day I’ve spent in darkness with a warm hat on my head (I found this helps, I don’t know why), trying to sleep as much as possible.)
New Year’s Eve is usually very hard for me. As I’ve mentioned before my mother’s birthday was New Year’s Day, and it hits me hard. I still miss her terribly. This year, Stuart asked a couple if they’d like to join us, hoping it would help me get through the rough time, and make things happier. But I woke up with a migraine from Hell. I couldn’t stand any light, I was nauseous, and I just wanted to scream! So we felt we should cancel early, just in case the pain didn’t subside, giving our friends time to make other plans. Luckily, after much medication, I felt better. My headache wasn’t gone, but it never is, however, it was much better.
I decided to try to work in my studio a bit. Something I haven’t done in months. yay, for milestones! I got part of my mask painted, thank you Judy, I’m thinking about both my inner face and outer face while working on it. (if you’d like to know more about this please visit Judy’s blog, Creativity to the Max.)
We decided to have a special dinner that night, one we didn’t have to cook. So when Stuart went to pick our dinner up, I decided to make it very special. I set the table all pretty, and put candles on it. I even got pretty myself. I put on a skirt and nice top, and even makeup! Stuart was VERY surprised! And I have to say, I think that was the best steak I’ve ever had! We haven’t done anything like this in a long time. It was very romantic.
It was still 6 hours until midnight, so we thought we’d start a puzzle. We worked on it for about an hour, then I started to get too sore, and my headache was getting worse. So we headed upstairs, I took some more meds, and we watched a movie. By midnight I was feeling good again, and a bit frisky. (hehehe) We were watching and waiting for the ball to drop, and I started coming on to my husband….one thing led to another, and we rang in the new year with the Big “O”! Yes, it hurt, but it was so worth it! We did elevate my hips a bit, and it helped with the hip pain! Yay. (Milestone number 2!) Now, that helped me emotionally too!
On New Year’s Day it was 65F degrees here. I knew that temperatures like this would not last long, so I had to get out of the house. We needed something from the grocery store, so off we went to Whole Foods. I thought we could get the gluten free bread I like there, but nope. Every time I go to Whole Foods I’m disappointed. We started to go to the store we know has it, but it’s more than a 30 minute drive, and I was hungry and getting tired. We stopped to eat to see if I’d then feel like going, the food was good, but I didn’t feel well afterward. I don’t know what I’ve been getting into lately, but I’ve been having GI symptoms a lot!
We were both tired, and I wasn’t feeling great, so our New Year’s meal would have to wait. I can’t have Hoppin’ Johns any more any way…(very sad face). I can’t have legumes, and black eyed peas are one of the main ingredients…I really miss beans!
Here come another milestone, I cooked on January 2nd! Stuart helped a little, but I did the main cooking! So excited, I really like to cook, and haven’t been able to in months! I made collard greens (a must in the Southern parts of the US, collard greens represent money, so if you want more money throughout the year, you eat collards, another part of Hoppin’ Johns). But I cooked them a bit differently. I sauteed them with bacon, Mirin Sauce (a sweet rice wine used in Asian cooking), a little Rice Vinegar, and sprinkled with celery seeds. They were very tasty. We planned to have ham, but couldn’t find one that wasn’t way too big, so we cooked up a hot dog for each of us, and I had some left over mashed potatoes. It was actually a pretty darn tasty meal! (before everyone with Meniere’s freaks out about how much salt I ate,the bacon was low salt, and so were the hotdogs, plus I only ate one. However, I’m not sure a low salt diet has helped with my Meniere’s symptoms at all.)
One more good thing happened, but it isn’t finalized yet, so I’m afraid to mention it and jinx it. (It has to do with Stuart…you can probably guess.)
I started to make up a list of things I want to accomplish in 2012, but didn’t get far. I realize I can’t really plan much and just get upset when I can’t accomplish what I plan to. I really, want to lose some of this weight, and be able to exercise some. This I will figure out how to do! Even if I get to be just as sick as I was for the past 6 months, I’m going to figure out how to exercise.
As you see at the top, Stuart took pictures of me on New Year’s Eve, when I saw them I cried. I thought, that can’t be me! This woman is so overweight, and old. I don’t want to feel that way about me. I have to find a way to get my body image self esteem back. The picture I published at the top was the best. There is another that I feel shows every hard thing I’ve been through over the past couple of years. Following you will see a photo of me that was taken just before all of this started happening, and the photo that was taken on New Year’s Eve that I feel, shows the pain I’ve endured. I’m only showing these to show how much I’ve changed in a relatively short period of time.
**I’d like to say, the weight bothers me mostly because of the added health issues. I now have non-alcoholic fatty liver, and very high triglycerides. I will not be able to get control of these until some of the weight comes off and I can exercise. Yes, my body image has taken a bit of a hit, but my husband thinks I’m beautiful, and desirable so that’s a confidence booster. However, the fact that I get out of breath so easily, and have a hard time getting up at times. (the tub is a big challenge.) With my hip issues, added weight is not a good idea.
Wendy Dec. 31st 2011 -(yes, it's a bit out of focus, sorry)Wendy - Late Fall 2009
A Butterfly for Stuart - by W. Holcombe (all rights reserved)
My dear, dear friends, thank you so much for the very kind words that you said about me after my last post.
I kept reading these comments, thinking…”Yeah, I like that about me too!: Some I hadn’t thought of, but realized after reading them, that yes, that is a part of me. It made me realize, I can write the list as 20 things I like about Me. I just needed a little push to remember some of those things. Thank you! And I guess, after this past two years, I needed to hear that there were still some things about me that others think are likable. Thank You Again!
I sat down and had a talk with myself. It went something like this….”OK Wendy, you’ve been telling people you will just change your expectations of life, since things aren’t what you expected. Now, You didn’t mean you’d expect things to be bad…no Mam! You simply think things are different, and you can work with that. You are strong, and you can find the light that will lead you out of this tunnel! So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get moving again! Remember, success is getting up once more often than you fall down.” (yes, when I talk to myself I have a VERY Southern accent, it comes out any time I get angy. I am originally from Charleston, SC after all.)
So I made a plan. I have been so sick for so long, I haven’t been taking the best care of myself. Partially because I couldn’t for a while, but some days because, I just didn’t have the drive. I thought, what’s the use, I can’t do anything. Why get dressed? Why shower? Why do much of anything? Even on the days when I could (Physically)….sometimes I just couldn’t (Emotionally). After my little talk with myself, I decided, it doesn’t matter if I have nowhere to go, if I can get out of bed Physically, I will take care of myself more. I will get dressed every day, even if I don’t step foot outside. If at all possible, I will at least go downstairs to work on the computer and do my artwork. I will try…very, very hard to get out of the house more often, even if it’s just to walk to the mailbox and back. And last, but certainly not least, I will try my best to be around people more often.
Pretty big change from my last post huh? Sometimes I think I need to hit that dark place, to make me realize I need to pull myself out of it. This was a slow decent to a place I was scared of, and I didn’t like myself one little bit. A friend of mine once told me that he admired how I could pull myself out of times like these. It isn’t easy. (plus I’ve been through a LOT of therapy!) I have bipolar disorder, I can tell when depression is enveloping me, just as I can tell when I’m starting to fly in with the mania. My psychiatrist once told me that I was more in tuned with myself than any patient he had, I’m grateful for that. If I feel I’m swinging one way or the other, first I tell myself…this will pass! I will NOT feel like this forever. Then I try some exercises my therapist has helped me with, or I meditate, or I read something I find helps…I try to help myself before things get too one-sided. If I can’t then I get on the phone and call my psych! That’s what he’s there for. Luckily, I didn’t have to do that this time. My pep talk to myself, the affirmations I got from my friends here, and reading some Buddhist teachings, helped to pull me out of it. (and I have an appointment with my psychiatrist next week, so I knew if that didn’t work, he would be there for me.)
One day, I’ll write more about being bipolar. I’m lucky I am stable, have been for years now. When I feel one emotion going too extreme, I know what to do. I recognize it and can get help before I get to the breaking point. However, I had a lot of struggles to get here, and there are many people out there who aren’t as lucky as I am. I think the one factor that made the biggest difference in my life with this disease, is finding the right psychiatrist and therapist. I’ve seen a few, but they weren’t a good fit with me. It’s very hard to understand that when you are ill, but I finally realized if I’m not comfortable with the person treating me, I shouldn’t stay with them. Now I don’t mean, my therapist said something I didn’t want to hear, so I left. I mean, our personalities didn’t mesh, I didn’t feel I could trust one of them….have you ever been with someone and they gave you this funny tummy feeling? Like something just isn’t right? That’s what I mean, that tells me that things aren’t going to work. Finally I got a good match, and that made all the difference.
So…I took my own advise today, and got up, took care of my personal needs, got dressed, put on make-up!, and then I rested! Whew, that was a work out!
Hubby needed to run some errands, so I decided to get out of the house. Today I had the least amount of disequilibrium I’ve had in a very long time! Mainly only when I bent over, or turned my head too fast. Luckily, I didn’t do that very often.
We went and dropped off some donations, and I bought a pair of shoes, and a purse at Goodwill for $5.00!! I love Thrift Stores!! We went to Michael’s to exchange a picture frame for the right size. Had lunch out. That’s always a challenge with my hearing, and food issues. So we went to a place that has one thing I know I can eat safely, I let Stuart order for me so I didn’t have to try to hear the person taking my order, and we sat where no one would be behind me, and a little away from as many people as we could. It made things much easier. I found if there is a lot of noise in a place I get dizzier. On top of the anxiety I’m feeling because I can’t hear, it really makes it hard…but I did it! We also dropped by the grocery store for a few things. A busy day. However, we took our time. I took rest breaks, and I don’t feel I over did it! We’ll find out tomorrow.
Once more I want to thank you all for being so kind, and helping me out by telling me things you like about me. Please know you are very special people. Look at how you reached out to help me! How you support me and others. Please know, that you are loved.
My this New Year bring all of us greater health, happiness, prosperity, and love! (and anything I may have left out that you are wishing for!)
As recipient of The Versatile Blogger Award, you must tell 7 things about yourself that your readers might not know. Then pass the award along to 5 other deserving bloggers.
Whew….both of these things are tough. The first part because, I’m kind of an open book. There isn’t much I haven’t told on this blog at some point. But I’ll try to think of something, hope I can keep your interest.
The second part is very tough, because I read some amazing blogs, to narrow it down to just 5…that’s tough. Some have been narrowed down for me because I see they’ve won the award before, so to be fair I won’t pass it along to them. But still, I read some amazing blogs, this is just a sample.
Seven Things You May Not Know About Me.
1. I sleep with a stuffed Monkey. His name is Monkey Monkey Monkey…no really it is, I have his birth certificate and everything.
Monkey Monkey Monkey!
2. I wear a size 4 in Boys Converse All Stars. My favorite kind of shoes! My hubby says I have baby feet. I say that’s the real reason I can’t balance very well, my feet are too small to keep me steady.
I wore shoes just like these at my wedding reception. (I was barefoot during the ceremony) The entire wedding party wore Converse!
3. I have been known to snort and pee my pants when I can’t stop laughing. Well, sometimes I’ll just snort when I laugh and it makes me laugh harder and harder, often while saying….”did you hear me snort?” So glad I can laugh at myself now. When I was a kid that horrified me. (it’s still quite embarrassing to pee your pants though).
4. I didn’t fly in a commercial plane until I was in my 30’s. I did fly in a little two-seater once before that, but for just a quick jaunt, I also went up in a helicopter before flying in a commercial plane! (my father worked for the SC State Forestry, you know Smokey Bear, and he got me these rides in the plane and helicopter that they used for fighting fires.)
5. As a rule, I hate to drive with other people in the car. However, there are a few people who scare really scare me to ride with, so I always drive when we go places.
6. I’m a huge Vincent Price Fan, and own an original Dr. Phibes Action Figure. (The Abominable Dr. Phibes was Vincent Price’s 100th movie.)
7. As you may know, I have a degree in art. What you probably didn’t know, is that I was originally a math major.
So, how many of those things did you know about me? It’s not fair if you know me in person!
I will now pass this award on to 5 bloggers…..and here they are, in no particular order….
Sunshine and Chaos – Maureen (a different Maureen than the one who awarded this to me) sums up her blog as: “Things that amuse and bemuse me as I wander the wilderness that is invisible chronic illness.” I love her description, and don’t think I could add a thing.
Fly with Hope – Kelly shows tremendous courage in her blog. She doesn’t hide, she opens her heart and shows people what it’s like to live how she has to live. Kelly has a deep relationship with God, that helps her deal with many chronic illnesses. She describes her blog as “The thoughts of a woman who loves Jesus and is navigating her way through chronic illness.” Be prepared when you read Kelly’s blog to see the dark side of her illnesses and feel the light she keeps shining to get through each day.
Creativity to the Max – Judith/Judy is an extremely talented and giving woman who lives with chronic illness and helps others. Her posts can be very funny, poignant, sad, instructive, loving…. Even when her post have a touch of sadness, you can feel her sense of humor. She makes me laugh nearly every day, either by one of her post, or from comment’s she has left on mine. (of course, I should mention, that she’s really just Max’s human, and he is the real brains behind this blog.)
SoulComfort’s Corner – Rita is a creative, high spirited woman who is housebound due to health issues. She “talk(s) about any art or craft project (she’s) currently involved in, the weather, movies, books, health, spirit, life, and (her) cat Karma.” Her blog is comfortable, once you start reading it you feel you have found a friend…and you have.
A Day In The Life With Meniere’s – As the title says, Angelea, tells about her life with Meniere’s. She also talks about life in general. Angelea has a positive outlook, Is a great support and reminds us to live in the moment.
If you would like to pass your award along and participate in the Versatile Blogger Award, just tell us about yourself and let us know about five of your favorite blogs. If not, that’s OK too.
I like to think I have a good grasp on things as they are. I appreciate the little things, and change my expectations of life as things change. I try hard not to wallow, or whine, or really miss things I can no longer do. (most things I simply do a different way, or I find something else) Point being I try very hard NOT to dwell on the past. Not to say I don’t have my pity parties, but they don’t usually last long, and I can usually pick myself up pretty quickly.
There is one thing that I miss so very much, and no matter how creative I get, or how much my husband tries, it’sjust not the same.
photo courtesy of dreamstime.com free images.
I miss SEX! That wild, abandon…a night of Passion, sweat, hormones, and sweet, sweet afterglow. The night before last I had a dream…oh what a dream! And when I woke up, I was so sad, and heartbroken that this may never happen again, except in those fleeting dreams. (there is always hope though)
Caution, this is the part where I’ll probably tell way too much information.
There is a series of complications behind our lack…or rather, creative, sex life.
For a while there, I couldn’t have sex without having vertigo. The Meniere’s was just taking over every aspect of my life. But it’s not this illness that causes most of the trouble.
I have chronic pelvic pain, and hip pain. And so far the doctors I’ve seen don’t really know why, or how to fix it. They can’t figure out if the pelvic issues caused the hip (and tailbone) pain, or visa versa.
Caution again: Explicit description of my pelvic pain issues coming.
All of the major causes of pelvic pain have been ruled out…. vulvodynia, endometriosis, fibroids….ect.
I have muscular issues. Vague I know. Within a woman without this problem when she gets excited the muscles in her vagina contract a bit, it’s pleasant, it starts all the juices flowing and you are getting ready…they continue to spasm a bit…in a nice way, until it builds to an orgasm, the muscles spasm, and it feels oh so good. This is what naturally happens to most women.
For me, when I start to get excited, the muscles spasm way too much, and it’s painful. At first just a bit of stinging and uncomofortableness, but even a very passionate kiss, the kind you can suddenly feel in your loins. (I hope you know the kind.) Could cause me to have horrible spasms. Foreplay, oral sex…oh the pain. During actual intercourse, the muscles are stretched, and it hurts less…actually it’s much more enjoyable than any the rest. Most of the time, when I have an orgasm it is intensely painful. I’m talking, want to throw my husband off of me, scream in pain and curl up in the fetal position. Needless to say, I got to the point where I was simply too afraid of this pain, and the emotional turmoil afterward to have any desire to try to have sex.
If this wasn’t enough, now I also have hip pain, so the part that I could enjoy is extremely painful, just in a different area. When having sex, in the missionary position, the pressure from the man on my hip is excruciating. Yes, we’ve gotten creative, I can keep one leg straight sometimes, or we he can enter from behind. (but you know, that position, every single time simply gets old.)
For the vaginal issues, I’ve been to a number of specialist. I’ve had biofeedback (yes they insert a probe inside and read the muscle contractions and you try to learn to release them, I even had one to take home an practice with. But when the extreme spasms only happen when I’m excited, this didn’t work very well.). I’ve had numbing shots in my vagina…that was horrific! I’ve had special internal physical therapy. Muscle relaxers…numbing creams…ect…ect…
Some of these worked, to a point, but only for a while, for some reason they would stop working. None of them took all the pain away.
For the hip issues, I’ve had 2 Arthroscopic surgeries, correcting a torn labrum. It didn’t help. I was seeing one of the top hip specialist in the country, and after the second surgery, and I was still in pain, he did an MRI to make sure nothing was left inside me during surgery…yes this made me feel very confident in my surgeon. Then he called me and told me that he didn’t see anything and he saw no reason for me to come back. “Yes, he CALLED to tell me this!” I was so stunned. He gave me no hope at all, I’d have to live with it.
I asked around to people who had orthopedic troubles to see what doctor they could recommend. A friend had a very torn up ankle, she is an athlete, and saw a Dr. Jones who made her better than before! (her words) So I called his office. He wanted to see my records and scans, before I came in to see him. He called and told me that hips weren’t his specialty, and after viewing my information he felt another doctor would be able to help me more. A different Dr. Jones. I admired this doctor I’d never met more than I ever did my first surgeon. He looked over my records and films and knew to recommend me to someone with more expertise in this area, and he never charged me a cent.
My new Dr. Jones, sent me to aqua-therapy, and medical massage. I did wonderfully, I started to feel so much better (it didn’t help the pelvic pain, but my hip felt much better)….then I had to move to the gym and harder exercises, all the pain came back in a flood. Dr. Jones was at a loss. All my films showed a little of this and a little of that, but nothing that he could just go in and fix and make it better. I have a little bit of hip displaysia…my IT band is too tight, my Psoas is too tight….but he said I can’t stay in PT and massage for ever. (I thought…why not if it keeps me off out of surgery…but alas insurance wouldn’t pay for it.) By this time, the Meniere’s was demanding all my attention. Dr. Jones thought he could go in and really look to see what was going on, and possibly “release” some of the tension from my IT band and Psoas. But we decided to put this off until I could get the Meniere’s under control. He did prescribe me a ‘drug’ called Limbrel, for the inflammation, I put the word drug in quotes because it’s actually a pharmaceutical food supplement, not a drug per se. I can’t take anti-inflamatories because of stomach issues, and I’m very allergic to Celebrex! It has helped, he also has me on pain killers for the exceptionally rough days. Bad News….my other hip has started giving me the same issues. I haven’t had this looked at yet.
I decided to start seeing a massage therapist on a regular basis and she has really helped my hip. I can walk without a cane! And the day to day pain is much better. But it still hurts to have sex.
When I was younger, I was … how shall I say this …frankly…very sexually active. Much more than I actually should have been, but untreated bipolar can lead to not the best decisions, and I was dealing with a lot of other issues surrounding sex. But we won’t get in to all that.
Let’s just say, with the right partner, sex was very passionate, experimental, and one of the most pleasurable things I’ve ever experienced.
When I first started seeing Stuart we had a very active sex life….Whew, when I think of that, my mind spins. (in a good way!) The pelvic pain had started, but it was mild and I could deal with it. It didn’t really bother me, it was actually kind of pleasurable. Not to say, I love pain, but it was mainly just noticing extra muscle spasms. Then it got worse, and worse, and I started avoiding sex. I was afraid. It was very traumatic, I actually told Stuart to go find it somewhere else. I’d still be here, and still love him, but it wasn’t fair that he was being forced to be celibate because of me. He didn’t like that idea at all, and needless to say, we worked through it. He admits he never thought he’d feel this way about someone, but sex is not that important. It’d be nice if it could be the way it was, but it’s secondary.
I agree, but …. Dang it all I want it like it was, I miss it, and I need it!! I remember in the dream the other night, I whispered in his ear, “Sometimes I want you so bad it hurts.” It’s that ironic or what?
During the special PT, we found that stretching the muscles helps. But I could not get into it, when we had to stretch those muscles right before we could have sex. Talk about no spontaneity. And I felt like it was too medical. We tried to make it more, fun, but I felt inadequate that we had to go through this, and hope it worked.
Then we found a vibrator could really help. Not only could we stretch with it, and it was pleasurable to me, the vibrations calmed the muscles down and I could have an orgasm with minimal and sometimes no pain. But that’s not sex. (If anyone out there has pelvic pain and thinks this may help, please email me and I’ll tell you one of the best tools you can buy…it has saved me.) Sometimes, we can play with it for a while, then have intercourse…but the hip pain is still there. (Damn, can’t I get a break?)
Playing with just the vibrator and having mutual masterbation was fun at first, but I really, really miss just wild sex. Getting all hot and heavy, and throwing one another down and getting to it! (even if I didn’t have this problem, I think I’d have to get in better shape before I could have sex like I really want…but it’d be so much fun trying.)
In my dream, we had just met, and were so sexually attracted, we played “the game”, you know that flirting that you know is going to lead to more…and it was HOT. Then I woke up in pain. Yes, it even hurts to have a sexy dream.
I know my husband loves me, and still finds me very sexually attractive. He makes me feel desirable. But it’s so hard. I want the build-up…the game…romance. But that hurts. Often, when Stuart does little things to show he still thinks I’m hot, like giving me one of those kisses, or “accidentally” brushing my breast, or grabbing my butt in the grocery store…it hurts me. Literally, hurts me. It causes physical pain, and breaks my heart. (but mentally, I need this from him, so it’s worth it, I need to know he doesn’t see me as just a patient, that he sees me as a sex pot, like he used to.)
So even when we want to fool around with the help from the vibrator, it has to be sudden. Jump right to it. No build up…or PAIN.
I hope when the Meniere’s stops controlling my life…notice I say when and not if! I do believe it will get more manageable. Any way, when Mr. Meniere’s lets go of his grip on me, I plan to go to the UNC Pelvic Pain Center. They are supposed to be able to perform miracles. Not that I expect any, but I’m very willing to give it a try.
All I know is…I want SEX!! Really, good wild monkey love kind of sex!!
Picnic with Ants 