#WorldBipolarDay 2016

On March 30, 2016March 30, 2016 By WendyIn Bipolar, Chronic Illness8 Comments

#WorldBipolarDay is celebrated on Vincent VanGogh’s Birthday, who is believed to have had #bipolar disorder.

stary night

This year’s #WorldBipolarDay “theme is “More Than A Diagnosis”, as we want to show the public that individuals who live with bipolar disorder are more than their diagnosis; they are capable of living full, successful lives, despite and in spite of their diagnosis.” – See more at: http://ibpf.org/wbdresources#sthash.TlZ5dveb.dpuf

I have bipolar disorder, formerly known as Manic Depression. It is characterized by periods of extreme highs and lows that interfere with some or all aspects of a persons life.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health there are an estimated 5.7 million people 18 and over and and 750,000 children in the US affected by this disorder.

The lows include extreme depression. Sadness most of the time, changes in sleep paterns, appetite and possibly weight. There is a feeling of worthlessness and guilt and an inability to find enjoyment. A person often has thoughts of death or suicide.

The highs, or manic part of the cycle, include increased levels of self esteem and grandiosity. The person seeks out pleasurable and risk taking experiences often to the point of danger, including sexual prowess, drug and alcohol abuse and shopping sprees. Mania can also include sudden outburst of violent and unpredictable behavior.

Bipolar Disorder can be treated most often with mood stabilization medications and psychotherapy.

Like all illnesses following a wellness routine is essential. Stay mindful of your moment to moment experience and recognize the signs of mood swings early. Be sure to get enough rest, eat well, exercise, take your medications as prescribed, and develop a strong support network. Often these steps are very hard to do, but it is essential that we take care of ourselves the best we can.

I have never hidden my diagnosis. I know there are many people who feel they can’t share their diagnosis due to prejudice against the mentally ill. We should all fight to stop the stigma surrounding Mental Illness.

Always remember we are #MoreThanADiagnosis. I am a friend, wife, artist, blogger and more. I am creative, intelligent, loving, compassionate and much more.

The people at the International Bipolar Association “…encourage people who live with bipolar disorder to remember that they can accomplish great things even though they have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and to remind them that there is a very supportive community out there for them to reach out to.”

#WorldBipolarDay, all day.

Happy Birthday Vincent!

Out Of The Darkness

On March 23, 2016March 23, 2016 By WendyIn Bipolar, Chronic Illness13 Comments

abstract 2 (1) — In the Swirl, by w. holcombe

I have Bipolar I, that means that I have the highs (mania) and the lows (depression) that go with Bipolar. I’ve been mostly stable for the past 20 years. However, for over 2 years I’ve been fighting depression pretty hard. I’ve been on different medications, but I was not feeling better. I kept thinking it was everything that was happening in my life. Having vertigo almost every day, losing more of my independence, moving so hubby could have a job after being laid off for over a year, having to have my hip replaced due to Avascular Necrosis, well you get the picture.

I saw a new psychiatrist last month, he took me off of one antidepressant that obviously wasn’t working and put me on another medication. It is like a veil lifted from over me, the darkness has given way to light. I no longer cry every day. I’m feeling hopeful. I feel like me. OK, now I’m going to cry, from from relief and happiness.

My new psychiatrist told me something interesting, he said that often later in life a person with Bipolar I doesn’t have as many highs they have more depression. (I’m 52, I’ve shown signs of Bipolar since I was a child.) So he so he decided to put me on a drug that is for Bipolar Depression. The drug is is “a psychiatric medication that belongs to the class of drugs called atypical antipsychotics. It works by helping to restore the balance of certain natural substances in the brain.” It has been a month and I’m amazed at how much better I feel. Even when things have happened that would have upset me, I’ve handled it with ease. How cool is that?

I’m so very grateful that someone and something was able to help.

I haven’t mentioned the names of any of the drugs because I don’t want anyone to think I’m advertising for it. If you want to know, I’ll be happy to tell you in a comment.

today is a good day.

one moment at a time.

Mindfulness Quotes

On March 3, 2016 By WendyIn Chronic Illness10 Comments

Mindfulness practice has helped me get through some of the roughest patches of my life. I haven’t been practicing as much as I want and would like to resume, I thought a good way to start would be to post a few of my favorite quotes on mindfulness. I hope you enjoy them too. (all photos were taken either by me or Stuart)

“Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different;

enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes (which it will);

being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way (which it won’t).” ~James Baraz

palm tree palm springs

“In the end, just three things matter:

How well we have lived.

How well we have loved.

How well we have learned to let go” ~Jack Kornfield

butterfly on flower

“Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” ~Dalai Lama

“Realize that this very body, with its aches and its pleasures,

is exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, fully alive.” – Pema Chodron

road runner porch palm springs

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.

If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” ~Dalai Lama

“Be happy in the moment, that’s enough.

Each moment is all we need, not more.” ~ Mother Teresa

** One reason I haven’t been keeping up my mindfulness practice like I used to is that the depression side of my Bipolar Disorder has been taking over my desire to do many things. I started seeing a new psychiatrist on Monday. It was a very in-depth appointment. I took a lot of psychiatric tests before I saw him. They mainly showed that I have a bit of a hard time concentrating. Two of them weren’t really fair because they are exactly like a “game” on Luminostity that I play a lot, if I hadn’t been playing that for a while I would never have been able to do as well on those tests. We discussed my past treatments, what’s going on, all kinds of stuff. He is adjusting some of my medications, and referring me to a therapist he thinks would be good for me to see. I will go back in a month. I’m feeling better just knowing that I am much more comfortable with my care provider and think this is a very positive move.

Where ya been?

On August 12, 2015August 12, 2015 By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain9 Comments

11351133_10206617026525593_3889213912238802247_n — vuible.com

When I’ve been away from blogging for a bit it’s really hard to get started again.

I keep thinking…where do I start?

I’ll have a good day and I will start to write, and get overwhelmed….well I don’t want to mess up a good day, now do I?

Then I’ll have a string of bad days…oh yeah…we know those….and I think, I should blog about those, but I don’t want to sound like a broken record. After the last post I put out, I thought, Gosh…same crap, different day. Not completely, no two days are ever completely alike, but you get my drift. Sometimes people forget a Chronic Illness is called Chronic for a reason. For me, I do understand that….I know my illnesses are not going away, maybe they will get better, maybe worse…. but going away…don’t think so. I do not, however, completely understand it when they change. And lately, they have changed, a lot. Do I want to talk about all of that….well I have talked about some of it, and I’ll probably mention more of it…some I’ll probably mention later….oh you know me, I talk about everything. It will all come out eventually.

Mostly my moods have been, well, in the crapper. Hubby and I and the furry babies to have fun. Laughter is the greatest isn’t it? But the migraines and vertigo…..the fear….the fear…it just doesn’t go away. I’ve had so much pain and vertigo over the last few months, I live in constant fear. and, pardon the pun….but that scares me.

11752433_10206969399934708_5387599046344407404_n — healthshire.com

I know you all want to hear about my complete melt down where I felt like I should have been committed…I now understand what they mean when they refer to people having a “nervous breakdown”. But really, do you really want to hear about that? Tell me if you do, and I’ll tell you about it…just know I’m OK. I didn’t hurt me or anyone else. I just kinda flipped out…yelled, screamed, cried…all at the same time….and did it some more. Then I was exhausted…slept…and cried a lot the next day too…..

I can tell you a few things that I’m pretty darn sure contributed to it….maybe you won’t worry so much after that.

I was on a certain medication for my migraines, it is also an antidepressant. It wasn’t working, so I went off of it. I was not on high enough of a dose that I should have needed to taper off of it. I think that was wrong. I crashed right after I stopped taking this drug.
I have a lot of crap going on. Still having very intense migraines…A LOT. Like almost every single day. And vertigo, the same thing. To the point, I hate leaving the house. Did I mention fear?? I have been leaving more, and most of the time I have a vertigo attack when we are out. I’m starting to get less and less freaked out by this. Just get me in the car, and I’ll deal. I’ll talk more about my vertigo attacks sometime in the near future, they have changed a bit, and my treatment for them has changed a bit. I should share some of that. However, I’m having these spins when I turn over in bed, it scares the crap out of me. I’m asleep, I wake up a little…kinda…go to turn over and BAM..vertigo! It doesn’t last long, but it is terrifying. Sometimes it does last…so I never really know, but most of the time, it’s just a few seconds. There’s other stuff too. I’ll tell more later. It’s kinda interesting if you’re into that kinda thing….you know, sadistic.
Menopause. Yeah, there are things about this that no one told me….why? Why didn’t my doctor tell me more about it? Do people just assume your mother is going to tell you everything? What if you don’t have one? Well this is a matter for a whole other post in itself. Yep…I think it’s time we dish a little bit about the big M. And I actually don’t have a lot of symptoms…golly, I sure feel for those ladies out there who have it bad! But one thing I am having recently, every month I feel like I’m going through my period. The mood swings…really bad, cramps…all the goodies, just no blood. Yes I said it! In October it will be 2 years since I’ve had a period, and this starts now? Pfft!

So….there ya go…..those things led to a melt down. “I’m sick of being disabled at 52!” and much much more!! I even hated my husband because he could take a walk and I couldn’t. Oh yeah, I was completely irrational, and feeling sorry for myself. No….I have been so ANGRY I have found it hard to live in my own brain. Who wants to live with those kind of thoughts all the time? Snarky, oh way beyond…ew.

I’m trying hard to pull myself out of it. And you know, I do a pretty good job of it. But outside factors have been eating away at my normal brain. This is when I decided to try what a friend of mine used to say she did, “Fake it ’til you make it.” She said she would fake the feeling good and put on a positive front until she really felt that way, and it often worked. So I decided to do that. It kinda worked. I had some good times during it. But I still had that …urgh…underneath. *umph* Still it did help a bit.

I combined that with a lot of deep breathing. *Ahh*

And trying to do more mindfulness…but it’s darn hard when your head is hovering around a 7 every day, spiking to a 9 many days. And the vertigo has decided it’s going to start doing this new funky thing where I suddenly feel like I’m falling down an elevator shaft…just free falling!!! What the heck??? I found myself clutching to Stuart and screaming….”I’m falling!!! I’M FALLING!!! PLEASE DON’T LET ME FALL!” Yes my brain knew I wasn’t really falling….or maybe it didn’t, it sure wasn’t telling me I wasn’t…..I sure felt like I was falling into an abyss. That is one freaky thing, I tell you. When they say people aren’t afraid of heights, they are afraid of falling…well duh! I’ve always been afraid of heights…well guess what, that terror comes out when I get this weird vertigo. It has happened a few more times and I’m better with it now (kinda), I can’t imagine what I will do if it happens and Stuart isn’t with me….because it is freaky….but less freaky than the first time (um…kinda). My brain is beginning to wrap the truth around the situation that I really am not falling, no matter what my vestibular system is telling it. *good brain, I knew you were one smart cookie*

Now that makes it kinda scary to go out in public. Can you imagine if I were in a store and suddenly I start screaming, “I’M FALLING!” Oh yeah….Call the cops, this chick is doing acid!

Soooo, any who, I’m completely losing my train of thought and going all over the place aren’t I?

See this is what happens when I haven’t posted in a long time. I think of all these things I want to tell you, and things just start tumbling out.

Maybe I should just stop for the day. If I don’t I might end up putting this down and then I’ll not get it posted and you will miss me. You do miss me don’t you? Yeah I know, I’m a little cheeky today. *wink*

Good – Bad – Ugly…. Sometimes it’s Pretty, isn’t it?

On July 13, 2015 By WendyIn Chronic Illness10 Comments

Thank you all for the outpouring of support and encouragement about my blog and writing and well just me being me.

The comments here and on Facebook, emails….well, everywhere…I was overwhelmed by the love!

I’m sorry I haven’t posted before now….I’ve had some bad and ugly days recently….there’s been come good and pretty times in there too, maybe not whole days, but I’ll take it!!

First right before I went to the appointment I’m about to talk about, I broke my pinky toe. Yep, I mean within the hour before, I caught my toe on my nightstand and OUCH!! I saw stars and everything. Pretty little stars. *snort* It’s been a while now…it is still slightly sore, but it has all healed, finally!! It did mess up walking on my hip a bit though….same leg. But I didn’t fall!! Good thing!!!

I was very excited the beginning of June I saw a new neurologist here in Charlotte. She runs the Carolinas Headache Clinic in Matthews, NC…so it really isn’t in Charlotte, but it is so close it may as well be. The first appointment I had with her she spent over 2 1/2 hours with me. I don’t know if that is her normal time for a new patient or not. I know she sets aside a longer appointment for a new patient, but I was also her last patient for the day so she took her time. She gave me a very thorough exam and we talked at length about my medical history. She was very interested. I was very impressed. I love my neurologist at Duke, who also specializes in headache pain (my doctor at Duke recommended this doctor, they know each other well).

As much as I have loved my doctor at Duke, I think this doctor will be able to really concentrate on me more. She won’t be so over whelmed with all the influx of patients from the system at Duke. (I hope that makes sense) The doctor here is very interested in my Chronic Persistent Daily Headaches. (I have a headache all the time, it ranges from about a 3-5 on a scale of 0-10 pain scale, I have had this headache since I was 11 years old, right after my first migraine) She believes if we can break this headache then we can break the migraines and cluster headaches. Wouldn’t that be nice?

She started me on a new medication, it was to hopefully help with the daily pain of my head and my all over pain. Unfortunately, it hasn’t worked. However, I don’t think we can judge it fairly. I am on a drug called Limbrel, this helps with inflammation and I had problems getting my prescription for over a month. (long story short…the doctor faxed in the prescription but the pharmacy said they never got it…this happened over and over, finally they got it straight…why it took so long, well I have no idea, but I finally have it! 3 months worth, thank goodness. I had no idea how much this was helping my joints and all over pain, I was having trouble typing my joints in one of my hands were hurting so much.)

The past month has been filled with the worst migraines. Let me give you a little run down….Out of the last 25 days I’ve had 22 migraines, 1 cluster headache, and 15 attacks of vertigo. On July 2nd a vertigo attack started around 3pm and lasted until after 3pm on July 3rd. (July 2nd was my birthday…I will just have to celebrate 364 Un-birthdays!! Want to have a Mad Hatter Tea Party with me??)

Can you guess why I haven’t been posting? Or reading my dear friend’s blogs?

I admit the depression took hold of me and jerked me around a bit. I think I had some reasons, even if I didn’t have Bipolar I disorder, but I admit my emotions do go a bit extreme because of my illness. The demons didn’t knock on the door, they busted it down! For a while there I thought I was lost. I was drowning, big time. I was having panic attacks, heck I’m still having a few of those. I’ve been having trouble going out of the house again for few of having attacks. I hadn’t been doing my mindfulness practice…except during vertigo attacks, and sometimes not then, sometimes I would completely freak out. (however, I’m relieved to say that most of my vertigo attacks have been mild, by that I mean slow rotation, they haven’t been rapid spinning….but I won’t go into detail about what they were like. Just know they aren’t as scary. However, I will just say….they are exhausting.)

I’ve been trying hard to pull myself out of the depression. The odd thing about this, the medication that the neurologist put me on is actually an antidepressant. I was really hoping it would help with this too. However, I think the fact that I was in a lot of pain, and had so many headaches and vertigo when the medication I was taking was supposed to be helping…well this was making me more depressed. Makes sense right? Plus I have a few other things going on in life that are stressing me out too.

Recently I’ve been diving into my mindfulness studies again, and trying to meditate. Meditation doesn’t fix things, but it just makes me be here. I was so caught up in the fact that I was in pain, that is where I was, I was hurting, angry, sad, scared, did I mention angry…oh you would not believe the anger that was popping up! wow! I hate it for Stuart the past few weeks. At least he couldn’t hear the even more snappy things I was saying in my head. ewww.

So, I’m focusing on just being here. I’m taking a lot of deep breaths, and I’m just trying to be me.

On a different note….I’m in physical therapy now to help my hip get a bit stronger and have more range of motion. I have a day in the gym one day a week and a day in the pool one day a week. The pool is wonderful. However, I’ve had to miss a few sessions because of the pesky vertigo. The last PT session, the therapist really showed me that I am not as strong as I thought I was, she kicked my butt!! Whew! However, I’m afraid that the new exercises that I have been doing have aggravated the back injury. I have been in so much pain. The sciatic nerve has been shouting at me. It’s not just yelling on my left side now, it’s screaming on both sides. I’ll talk to her at my next session tomorrow. I may have to go see the spine doc again.

Well….I can’t think of much more to say today.

I don’t know if I’ve covered good, bad, ugly…and a little pretty, or not. But there is some of all in my life.

Good….focusing more on mindfulness again.

Bad….vertigo, migraines, back pain…being really mad there for a while.

Ugly…umm, vertigo sometimes, and you don’t want to see my face when she’s kicking my butt in PT. hahaha

Pretty….My new headache doctor, she’s really pretty – but not as pretty as my Physical Therapist, oh my! The feelings I get from both my new headache doc and my PT.

Chonic Pain/Ilness Photography 2015 Project Week 3

On May 25, 2015 By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Photography6 Comments

This is the final week of the Chronic Pain and Illness Photography Project I have been participating in for the past 3 weeks. Facilitator Stephanie Blumensaat did a marvelous job putting this project together and keeping the group running smoothly. What a wonderful group of creative people who were willing to share so much of their art, their lives and their souls. Simply amazing. Stephanie has a blog, Chronic Pain Life, that you just might want to check out. She will be putting together future projects that some of you might want to participate in, I know I will.

I hope you enjoy these photos and insights into me….

Day 15 – Gratitude. – posting a day late

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I have much to be grateful for every day, yesterday was no exception, but it was a very rough day, things happening all around me that I could not help with or do anything about. (my dog had an emergency trip to the vet and I couldn’t move my head without vomiting to help…it was a very hard day.) Yesterday was filled with rapid vertigo. Yesterday I had a very long, rough day with vertigo. I am very grateful for the bucket I could throw up in if needed….and all the medication I had that made me not have to throw up so much. (I’m most thankful for my darling husband for taking care of our furry baby…she’s fine…and taking care of me.)
Truthfully, I’m very grateful the day is over.

Day 16 – Dreams

One dream I always had was to go to Disney Land, not Disney World, I wanted to go to the original.

Right before I got very sick, I was able to go. This is the land of dreams….a place where dreams come true…..the photo is the refection of the castle. I think this photo is very symbolic of my dreams today, they are very vivid and beautiful, a little wavy, and sometimes a bit upside down….that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped dreaming.
I still have many dreams, some are short term, some are long term, some are very attainable, some probably aren’t. And that’s OK. I think healthy people have the same kind of dreams….not all come true.

Day 17 – Identity

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The image I chose for this prompt is a mask I made….the outside shows how most of the world sees me….the invisible illness, my cheery exterior…is that part of my identity….yes, I think so. The inside of the mask shows how I feel about things and how I feel about me. I think this is a good representation of my identity.

This prompt was very hard for me. If I were able to really get up and out and create a new photograph for this prompt I would have done something different.

How do I Identify myself now? I’m still Wendy.

Day 18 – Know This

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Know This….You are not your illness/pain.

Your illness and pain are a part of you but it is not YOU.
Do not lose yourself.

Day 19 – Spirit

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Showing my spiritual side. I hope you enjoy this photo as much as I do.
I took the selfie yesterday and manipulated it in Photoshop to show my spiritual side.

I study Buddhism,
I follow a mindfulness way of living.
This has made a huge difference in my life, and how I deal with chronic illnesses.
Namaste

Day 20 – Goals

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Take more risk…..overcome fear….first step!….walk out the front door…..

My goals….get out more.
We moved to a new place in August of last year. During the move my hip started to hurt. I haven’t been able to hardly walk since the move. I had hip replacement surgery on the 14th. I’m starting to walk again, that is going very well. However, I’ve had vertigo attacks every day for over 30 days. Fear rules my life. I started to get in the shower today, and was then going to go to the store with my husband. A first outing since my surgery, other than to the doctor….

right before I got in the shower I was on the computer and the world started to tilt……suddenly it started to spin, violently…for 5 hours I was spinning with violent vertigo, so very, very sick!!!

Then I slept for 2 hours and I still feel like I have no balance and my head is mush.

Deep Breath!!!

This is a HUGE GOAL!
Get out that door!
Expand my life!
I know I can do it!

if not…my Goal is to be perfectly happy, in the life I have, just the way it is.

Day 21 – Invisible

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Invisible Illness and me

“You look so good!”
Just beneath the surface
no one can see
the cracks….
the cracks…..

Day 22 – Music (bonus prompt)

As most of you may know, I’m deaf. My chronic illness took my hearing. I haven’t been deaf long, and music is still in my head and I still sing and love music…I just can’t listen to it. (I have Cochlear Implants and can hear some music but not like I used to. Hopefully, I will be able to hear it better in the future, but for now, not so much.)

When I relax I often hum, when I’m up I often sing, my husband and I often make up silly songs and laugh…..the silly songs are wonderful, they make me feel normal, and keep up my spirits. Music can be very therapeutic.

Today I wanted to share something different with you.
A few years ago, right before I lost all of my hearing I sat down with a friend of mine who is a sound engineer and he did a pretty good recording of what my tinnitus sounds like. These are the sounds I hear all the time. I don’t hear the worst of it all the time, but I do hear some of these all the time.

One day recently I suddenly didn’t hear anything and it scared me. I felt completely alone and was terrified. It didn’t last long. These sounds can drive me crazy at times, but they can also be very soothing.

This is my music….my Sounds of Silence.

Day 23 – Art (bonus prompt)

I use my art to help me with my chronic illness in many ways.
Here you will see where I have three expressions of me.
Silly loving Me.
Chronic Pain Me.
Natural, Strong Me.

I try to create something every day….drawing, writing, photography……anything creative…..
My art helps me heal, even if I’m just doodling, creating heals my soul.

(sometimes when I can’t voice my pain, I can show it in my art)

The Chronic Pain and Illness Photography Project is over now. I’ll be returning to my regular scheduled programming. 🙂

I’m sure my regular readers are curious about my hip replacement surgery recovery. I’ll give you a thorough update in the next post….here’s a little spoiler….my hip is doing GREAT!

See you soon. I’m off to Duke for visits to my doctors tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day….. Yay!!

Chonic Pain/Ilness Photography 2015 Project Week 2

On May 13, 2015May 13, 2015 By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, Photography4 Comments

The second week of the Chronic Pain/Illness Photography Project I have been participating in on Facebook has been amazing. The people who are contributions and contributors are amazing. This has become so much more than just sharing photographs, we are sharing our deepest fears, pains, joys, loves….our lives. The support that has been given and felt is nothing like I expected from a Photography Project. The project has been consuming. When I’m not working on the theme for the day, I’m looking at contributions, reading stories, commenting, sharing….when I’m not actively working with the project I’m often thinking about the people, or a certain entry that has touched me. This project will touch me forever. I hope you enjoy my interpretation of this weeks prompts…..

Day 8 – Affirmations

I try to live a mindful life. These quotes help me remember to live in the now, and remember that my body, just as it is right now, is just fine (I’m only human).

I also try to remember to be gentle with myself, I’m the only me I have. (I have a habit of beating myself up a bit, expecting more out of myself….my doctors, and my husband have often told me to give myself a break..I’m learning to.)

The photo on the left I took of my toes in the ocean, with a quote by James Baraz –
Mindfulness is simply
being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different.
Enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes. (which it will)
Being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way. (which it won’t) – James Baraz

On the right, a photo my husband took, with a quote by Pema Chodron –
Realize that this very body,
with its aches and its pleasures….
is exactly what we need to be fully human,
fully awake, fully alive.

Day 9 – Support.

The greatest Support I have is my husband. This photo is from our wedding. When we got married, 10 1/2 years ago, I was sick, but not nearly as sick as I have been in the last 5+ years.
He had no idea what he was getting into, but he has always been my greatest support. He is always by my side, always holding me, understanding when I am a complete bitch to him, helping me with the most humiliating task, watching me go through numerous painful medical tests and treatments….he is the only one bringing home any finances, and he also cooks, cleans, takes care of our pets and me.
I feel he has sacrificed so much to give me the best life possible.

He says I am his support, that I am what gets him through the day, I am his inspiration….He tells me he was a selfish person before me, that he strives to be a better person because of me, he tells me that nothing he does is a sacrifice because he’d rather be with me, than do anything without me. How can this be? How can he give me so much, and still think that I am an equal in this relationship?

Our relationship gets better and better. (we did go to therapy to help deal with me losing my independence and understanding how to deal with a chronic illness. The therapist I went to, and soon asked my husband to join the sessions, works a lot with people with chronic illnesses.)

Our relationship is really my biggest support. Together, we can do this.

Day 10 – Comfort

Comfort comes in all shapes and sizes for me.
When I first thought what I reach for first when I need comforting, I thought of my Monkey. I got him right before I first started getting really sick. He has seen me through a lot. He not only cuddles with me, but he makes a great neck pillow, a lumbar support…ect. I take him just about every where. Yep, this grown woman takes her stuffed animal to the hospital with her!My painting of Buddha meditating represents my mindfulness practice, and meditation. Mindfulness practice has been a great comfort to me. I think it has helped me more than most medical treatments. I have also begun to study the Buddha’s teachings in the past few years and this has also been a great comfort to me.

The photo I took of the wild flower with the little bee on it is comforting to me because it reminds me to appreciate the little beautiful things I see, and not get so caught up in all the pain and suffering. It reminds me that life is constantly changing, just as the seasons change, my life is changing….I take comfort in that.

Day 11 – Who I Was:

This was the hardest prompt for me to date. It brought up so many emotions. When I first read “Who I Was”, I thought, I’m still the ME I’ve always been, yes, I’m sick, but I’m ME….then I started looking at pictures…thank goodness I don’t have a lot of photos of the “before” pictures on my computer. This brought up a lot of emotions. Emotions I thought I’d dealt with a long time ago. But grief isn’t linear, and right now, I’m grieving a bit for some of the old Wendy…..this just touches on some of the old me…A little of Who I Was….
top left: a selfie with (my then boy friend) now hubby – a little sexy thing. I miss feeling sexy, or being able to have sex without pain, or being able to have a normal sex life….no, to be honest, I really miss having a wild sex life! I finally met the love of my life, and not long afterward my sex life was ruined. I’m not that me any more.top right: I’m in the front on the left. This is a birthday party for one of our old friends. This was a normal occurrence before I was sick. I was social, I entertained. I went to museums and art shows and parties…… I had a lot of friends. I’m not that person any more.

bottom left: Me on the left with a friend at the NC State Fair. I was spontaneous, I could run, and jump, and play….I loved playing with kids. I was FUN. (sometimes I still am, but it’s hard..it sure isn’t spontaneous, and I pay for it afterward) I used to do these things without fear. I can’t do that any more. The now Wendy is full of fear.

bottom right: Me cooking…well baking…well, enjoying the products from baking…haha. I love to cook. I love everything about it. I have fructose malabsorption, I’m allergic to wheat, I’m hypoglycemic…..ect… These things, well yeah, I’m sick with it, but it didn’t matter much except when eating out, because I loved to cook! It was just a challenge. I loved to play with ingredients and learn to make new flavors with the foods I can eat. I had a gluten free food blog with close to 2,000 followers. Suddenly my balance issues got too bad. I was having too many accidents in the kitchen. I can’t cook now. I really, really miss this….this is one thing I hope I can get back. I can’t drive either, but I’d rather be able to cook than to drive. And I live in an area where I can’t really get anywhere without being able to drive.

Day 12 – Motivation

LIFE – My little flower represents life….even when it isn’t supposed to be there.

Much of what I’ve already posted are motivators to me, however, I think the thing that motivates me the most is life. I want to live my life. It may not be the life I expected, but it’s still my life. I’ve learned to change those expectations…and simply live day to day.

I read something recently that stuck with me.
Sometimes the best way to motivate yourself is to stop trying to motivate yourself. (That really hit the nail on the head with me. Sometimes I have a hard time getting motivated, especially when I’m depressed. Sometimes I just have to act.)
You do not need motivation to act.
You do have to make a conscious decision to act.
The action could be big or small.
It may not turn out the way you want.
How you feel about that is irrelevant.
(OK…that part is really hard. for me this part means, being ok with how things are, no matter what happens.)
Actions move you forward.
Waiting for motivation keeps you stuck.
What you do with this information, you do in this moment.
The decision is always up to you.
(this came from a website called mindfulness over matter)

I also have to remember to always be gentle with myself and forgive myself if things don’t turn out as I planned. If I can’t get motivated or even act on something sometimes, it’s ok, forgive myself and move on. Give myself a break.

Day 13 – Challenges

Whew – To sit down and think of all the challenges I face each day, I couldn’t sum it all up here. It was difficult to pick what to share with our group.

In the center of my collage you will find a lot of spoons on the floor. If you are acquainted with the spoon theory you will probably understand this immediately. If not, I recommend you read it, you can find it here: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/ I haven’t been the biggest fan of the spoon theory myself, because there are many days I have no “spoons” and I still do things, sometimes you just have to push through it or you don’t make it to that doctor’s appointment you made 3 months ago (yes, I’ve still had to cancel those way too many times). But for me this represents all the challenges I face on a day to day basis that take every bit of my energy, or that I have to get up all my courage to do (like take a bath or shower) that normal people have no problem with.

From there we will go from top left to right around to the bottom left.

Selfie of my incision after one of my ear surgeries. This represents the challenge that I’ve had many surgeries on my ears and they are still ruling my life. Between the vertigo and the lack of hearing, causing me to shy away from social interaction and have fear almost every moment of the day that I will be attacked by my own head and lose control of my body.

The next photo represents one time I had vertigo when in public and was stuck in a parking lot of over 4 hours, I was 1 mile from my home. I finally got my husband to get me home, I ended up having a violent attack for over 9 hours. I thew up most of this time and lost control of all bodily function. It is a huge challenge to get over my fear of having vertigo in public and just go out, and it is a huge challenge swallow my humility and allow my husband to take care of me and clean me up when I have soiled myself.

The last on the top row, another selfie, represents my challenge of living with Bipolar I disorder. I have been mostly stable for about 20 years, but it is still a challenge. I have to be very dilligent about taking my medication and taking care of myself. I have to really pay attention to my body and my mind. If I notice any symptoms returning I need to get in touch with my doctor immediately. There is always a chance the medication my stop working. Having Bipolar I is classic Manic Depression, and it is very challenging.

The middle row left is a do not disturb sign from a trip my husband and I took before we were married. This represents the challenges I have having sexual relations with my husband. If anyone wants to talk about this, I will be more than happy to. I know this is something that is very hard to talk about, but it is very important to break down that barrier. You are not alone.

On the middle left top is a self portrait of me painting. This is a big challenge now. I can paint, but I get confused. There are many days I simply can’t paint due to pain, but I also have a hard time with subject manner and style. I feel more empty inside about my art. I would like to put my illness on canvas to get it out, but I just can’t. I’ve done a couple of commission pieces, but I have to have no deadline. It’s simply a really big challenge. My doodles make me happy, at least I’m doing something.

Just below, you will see my arm with many hospital bracelets on me. This is actually from my last visit to the hospital. This represents the challenge of having to go to the hospital so much. To so many doctors. To owe so may hospital and doctor bills that only my husband can pay. To me it even represents fighting for disability.

On the lower left you will find my Headache Pain Scale. This represents the challenge I have always found in telling doctors how I feel. I don’t feel that doctors really understand patients a lot of the time. I’m lucky I have many good doctors. I’m also lucky that I have the kind of insurance that if I don’t have a good doctor I can fire them. (and I have) But finding a doctor who really understands is a challenge. (also not being able to hear makes it hard for a doctor to make himself understood to me….we definitely can have communication troubles.

The last photo on the bottom left represents the unknown. They have come to the point that they have told me that they don’t know what is wrong. We know I have a vestibular illness, probably more than one, but they don’t know what. I have been told for many years I have Meniere’s disease. I have been through more tests and treatments than you can believe, now I’ve been told, they can’t do any more. I’m stuck with the unknown. There are other conditions they don’t know about, the Avascular Necrosis in my hip, they don’t know if I will get it in other joints….good chance. Some doctors have said that other diseases I have may all go together, other doctors say no? I think my body may hate me. The photo is an x-ray of my hip on the left, and a photo of my ear on the right that I have manipulated beyond recognition.

These are some of the challenges I face. Sorry I couldn’t keep it shorter

Day 14 – My Body

It’s cute….but very fragile.
(note, I could never get in this position, not now, but I used to love yoga, I could have…)

*this is a straw wrapper version of me, created one day when I was playing with the wrapper from my hubby’s drink.

As you can see the Chronic Pain/Illness Photography Project has become much more than sharing photographs. Everyone in the project is sharing a part of their soul. I feel so honored to be a part of this project. One week to go…..

I Didn’t Expect

On April 27, 2015 By WendyIn Avascular Necrosis, Chronic Illness, Hip Replacement, Pain, stress5 Comments

I didn’t expect the depression I’m feeling….

I saw the signs, I have so much going on, there are so many outside reasons….but I’m struggling….this is why I’ve been away so long, why my blog has been suffering, why I simply haven’t.

Today, I’m going to write, I have too much to write about, I am overwhelmed by how much I have to write about, but I need to…..

I didn’t expect to have vertigo almost all day the day before surgery.

I didn’t expect to have vertigo in the waiting room right before surgery.

I didn’t expect the intense pain after my surgery. During surgery the back injury that just got better was aggravated. I was not just dealing with surgery pain, the pain I expected, I was dealing with the back pain and severe sciatic pain. To make it worse, I couldn’t move to make the back and sciatic any better. I was stuck, in so much pain. We could not get this pain under control. I have issues with pain medication. Everything makes me hypersensitive, I feel like things are on me, it makes me itchy. So I was only prescribed Tylenol and Tramadol. This didn’t do it. They tried to put me on my side to help, this caused me so much pain I swear I wasn’t even in the room it was just pain. Luckily, it didn’t last long. I decided I’d rather itch. They tried Hydrocodone. nothing. I don’t know what all was tried. at 2am they tried Toradol, this is a NSAID given by IV or injection. I’ve had it for my migraines before. This finally worked. Probably in conjunction with everything else. I finally fell asleep. Only to be awoken at 4am to have my blood drawn. Then at 6am for something and at 7am because shifts changed….it was an exhausting. But I have to say, the night nurse who was trying to help me was absolutely wonderful, I couldn’t have asked for better care.

I didn’t expect to have low blood pressure, a magnesium deficiency, and have to stay another night.

I did get out of bed the first day and walk a little, I was told I did great. (the intense pain hadn’t started yet) I had my morning Physical Therapy on the second day and did well, even though I was a little dizzy. I didn’t expect to have a vertigo that afternoon. During my vertigo attack I had 3 different people come to work with me, including my Physical Therapist. No afternoon PT, no going home. They also had to make sure my pain was under control before I went home. It was better that night…but I had to sleep in a recliner, glad we bought one for me the right before I had my surgery. (ugly thing) I didn’t expect to HAVE to sleep in a chair for many nights after I got home. I didn’t expect to cry from the pain so much, after my surgery.

I didn’t expect my sister to come and help. I am very grateful. I didn’t expect it to be so hard for Stuart to stand back and allow someone to help. He said he’s just used to doing it, it’s hard to ask someone else to do things. Yep, I know that feeling. It’s very hard to ask others to do things. Especially, for me to ask for the little things. It’s hard to ask for things like something to drink, or a snack, to reach something for me, to get me a blanket if I’m cold….ect. Yep, I’m having a hard time asking for things too. I’ll ask for someone to go to the store, or do some laundry, things like that…..but it’s the little things that get me. It makes me feel so helpless. Eh…I guess I am. (I feel pretty weird having anyone other than Stuart do private things for me too…that is one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with…one of the hardest)

I didn’t expect to have vertigo every day since my surgery.

I didn’t expect for Stuart to have to take off a second week from work. (I think he got in a little bit of work the second week…but not much.)

I didn’t expect…..

I didn’t expect to have a death in the family two days after my surgery. It was my extended family by marriage (my cousin’s daughter’s husband), I didn’t know him personally, but the circumstances of his death were hard….so very sad. He was young, in his late thirties. He was EMT on his way to work and pulled off and parked at a gas station, they found him slumped across the steering wheel dead. The autopsy has been inconclusive. There are still test out, but they don’t expect to find anything. They will probably have no idea why he died. They also found out a lot about him that his wife had no idea about, it is very, very sad. It also makes you think…..and think….

I didn’t expect for one of my father’s friends to die the next day. I knew him growing up. He worked with my father, they used to Barbeque (or barbecue in some parts) together. When I say Barbeque, I mean Southern Barbeque; a huge hog in a pit, slow roasted all night long….oh my it is good. We used to have picnics and things over at his farm. He let me touch my first cow, it was much softer than I thought it would be. He was 12 years younger than my father. As you get older you see more and more friends die, I wonder if my father is having a hard time with this? I’ve noticed he goes to a lot of funerals. That’s a subject that would be hard for me to broach with him.

I didn’t expect my friend Laurie from Hibernationnow’s Blog to die on April, 21st. She caught the flu in February and that just snowballed into more and more, she just got sicker and finally her body couldn’t take it any more and she died. I’m in complete in shock about her death. I keep looking for updates to her blog in my email. I look for her to chat with me on Facebook. I heard from her in some way nearly every day. It may not have been personally, but I always knew she was there. Now she’s not. Just like that….suddenly her voice is gone. Her thoughts are not in my life any more. Laurie fought fibromyalgia, she was quirky in ways and loved the color yellow, she loved the ocean, writing, and most of all her family. We were both foodies, and we both lost a dogs who left huge holes in our hearts, and later we both adopted rescue dogs who took over a new place in our hearts. The one thing we disagreed the most about was our feelings about the chef Alton Brown. She hated him, I love him…..it was quite a debate on one of her post! I will miss you Laurie. All the support and love you gave me, and our friendly banter. May you be pain-free in a nice warm place near the ocean taking a walk with your father.

I didn’t expect my dearest friend’s mother to die this week. She has been battling Amyotrophy Lateral Sclerosis (ALS, otherwise known as Lou Gehrig’s disease) for the past 9 months. I’m actually relieved she didn’t have to live in her body with her mind fully aware without being able to communicate with anyone for very long. I loved Kathy very much. I wanted so much to be there to help care for her. I wanted to be there for my friend and help her through this difficult time. Now I can’t be there for her again. The death of her mother is going to devastate my friend. She was closer to her than anyone. They talked daily. They were best friends. Her mother’s illness took a toll on the family. Yes, she will have a lot of people around her, but I know she needs her best friend. It is extremely hard not to be able to go. I am so tired of feeling useless. But this should not be about me, it should be about Kathy. She was such a strong woman. A single mother, raising 3 children mostly by herself. She was so generous and kind. She worked so hard and hard and hard….and she gave and gave and gave. This probably gave her more joy, but from my view I wish she had been able to take more time for her. She was just about to retire when she got sick. I know Kathy did have a good life, and celebrated life, but I also know she was looking forward to slowing down and just enjoying her grand children. Please don’t put off living until tomorrow. Kathy was one of the best people I knew. That sums it up pretty well.

I didn’t expect writing this post would make me feel better.

Crisis over the Holidays

On December 31, 2014 By WendyIn Bipolar, Chronic Illness12 Comments

Oh no! What a time for a medication mess up!

I was loading up my pill-box for the week and only had 3 of my mood stabilizer…..hmmm, that’s not right?

So, I asked Stuart if there was a refill that hadn’t made it in my case. (I have a case where I keep all of my medications, then I load up my pill organizer every week, if there are not enough pills in the bottle to fill the organizer the next week then we order a refill….easy, peasy….medication is always kept up to date.) Stuart didn’t have any refills for me….uh oh. He said he’d look into it.

We are not using a mail order pharmacy. A new thing with our new insurance. If you have a prescription that is maintenance you have to get it from the mail order pharmacy. So, he goes on-line and it’s right there, with refills so he orders it, should be here within 2 days, no problem. Great!

Big Problem. 7 days later I realized the medication hadn’t come. How did I realize this? I was crying uncontrollably for no reason and let’s just say my moods were going crazy. My head hurt so much I thought I was going have to go to the ER. What was wrong with me??? Wait? “Stuart? Did my medication come in?”, “No?” That means I hadn’t been taking my mood stabilizer for 4 days. Rut Row!!

Stuart calls the pharmacy. Yes, the prescription had refills, 3 to be precise, but it was written as 3 one month prescriptions. They needed it to be one prescription for 3 months. So they had a call in to the doctor to change it. Oh my gosh! Did they think to call the patient to see if they needed the medication sooner than they would be able to get it to me by doing things this way? NO! Stuart told them that I needed the medication NOW, so they put ONE month worth in the mail and I got it the next day, that meant I was off of my mood stabilizer for FIVE days!

This is not a drug you just go cold turkey on. You don’t just stop taking it and not notice. There is reason you ramp up and off of these kind of drugs. Of course, this had to happen just a few days before Christmas…..as in, I got my new pills on Christmas Eve. Can you imagine the hell I have been going through? How have I managed this without going absolutely crazy? Well, I am crazy we know this…..hehehe (yes that is one way I deal with things like this….I try to keep a sense of humor…sometimes it works.) First, I knew how I felt was all because of this medication mess up. My feelings were not me. What was going on in my head was not me. Yes, this is very hard. I am lucky that I have a good friend who understands a lot of this and I emailed her a lot and she was wonderful. I’m also lucky that my husband listens and doesn’t get mad when I’m very unreasonable at times like this, he understands it is the medication. Yes, sometimes he does forget then we both look at each other and take a deep breath and say…..things will be better when the medication gets ramped back up.

Oh yes, that’s another thing, I have to ramp back up on this medication. I couldn’t just jump back on at the dose I was taking, I could have gotten very sick. So still, I’m not quite the Wendy I usually am. I won’t be for another week an a half. You have to ramp up on this medication slowly or you can get a very bad rash that is not a good thing.

I’m also dealing with this by trying to be mindful….yep there’s that word again. I’m trying to just focus on this moment. That has been VERY hard to do. I have gotten all caught up in the Holiday Hype, in my mind. Everywhere I looked people are telling you that you are supposed to be spending time with family and friends. Really, does the TV not make you feel like something is wrong with you if you don’t have a big family and a whole lot of friends to spend the holidays with? Oh I got so depressed. My family? Well let’s just say, I am so not a part of all of that now, but my mind goes to Christmases past when at times like these. Now that my medication is starting to work I’m just fine with how things are, I think it’s a good thing. But when it was all going on I was hurt, and sad and just feeling like my life was so not what it should be. We have no friends here so we were all alone, and I was thinking about how we were cheated out of not having children and well just everything……see where my mind can go when medication is not working???

Deep Breath here huh?

The past is the past.

I can’t change those things.

The only thing I have any control over is today.

Breathe. Just Breathe.

and this is how I live my life most of the time.

This is how I see things most of the time.

This is why I stay on my medication! *wouldn’t you?*

I have some good news!!

I’ve been off of the steroids for a good bit now and no bad vertigo! Yay!! I’m so thrilled! I have to say, I was a bit scared. I tried not to be, but I it was there….fear that the vertigo would start right back up as soon as the steroids came out of my system. So glad the fear was unfounded….see why we should live in the now and not try to predict the future?

I have started Aqua-therapy for my back/hip and I did great in the pool. The physical therapy in the pool is so much easier. I am really hoping it will help. I see the back doctor next week, we’ll see what he has to say. I have been very discouraged about my progress so far, but after just 2 sessions in the pool, I’m hopeful this will help. yay!!

Good news is, in just a short time, I’ll be starting the New Year all stable again.
I haven’t had a full-blown vertigo attack in a couple of weeks.
The aqua-therapy is going well,
and I’m going to making some plans to change a few things around here……so Picnic with Ants is going to have changes….they will happen slowly I’m sure as I’m not able to do things very fast….but we’ll see how it goes.

Here’s to a New Year!

May we all great it with love, laughter, and much good luck!

Tomorrow is my mother’s birthday.

I will be celebrating her life.

I’m very thankful for the 64 years she spent with us on this earth, especially the almost 30 she spent with me.

It’s just so hard sometimes…

On December 8, 2014 By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease, Vestibular Illness3 Comments

This is a stream of thought post. I just needed to talk and get some things out. So no fixing of grammar or anything. One thing I do want to say before you read this…..I’m not suicidal.

Is everything just so hard right now or is it the life through steroids?

I feel like I’m slipping away. I don’t know who I am half the time. I’m really not handling things all that well….yet in the next moment I am….then I’m not…then I am…then I’m completely melting down and that has been the last two days, and

I just feel like a weight is on me that I cannot lift and it is crushing me,grinding me down further into the ground past the point of breath….I’m buried alive….why, why cannot I still just not die.

Oh I am so ashamed to feel this way. I am just so tired. So tired of feeling the ups, the downs, the hope, the devastation when life kicks me in the gut over and over. And I can’t believe I’m actually writing these feelings out here where everyone can read them.

I do not feel like this. I don’t. This is not how I handle things any more. It has to be the steroids messing with me…it has to be….

But then…there has been so much loss lately…so much stress…and I found out yesterday that it is worse than I thought.

When you can’t hear very well…..let’s face it, I can’t hear at all without my cochlear implants on and working, and for a while now things haven’t been sounding right. So conversations with my husband have not been as communicative as they normally are. I have always been so proud of how our relationship has been so good, because we communicate so well. When you can’t talk a lot, communication seems to fail. He thinks I hear things I don’t. I think I hear things he said differently. And things simply do not get talked about. I’ve been feeling like we just talking much about stuff….and when we do, things just don’t get anywhere, we just get a bit frustrated because I don’t understand things….well…I really didn’t understand something, and I got really upset about it yesterday. I lost it, completely broke down, and I’m still spinning about it.

I thought our finances were doing ok. Not great of course. Tight. We do have a mortgage and rent and everything. But I thought we were ok, not in the negative ever month, being able to pay our bills…paying off credit cards….ect. We aren’t. We are still in trouble. I’ve been spending money recently. I’ve told Stuart when I was going to, or asked him….he didn’t say…”we really shouldn’t be spending”. No I haven’t gone crazy, but I’ve spent when I didn’t need to. We bought Christmas for our niece and nephew that could have cost half what it did. He said, “It’s what we would normally spend.” This makes no sense to me. I’m so distraught. He said….that in about a year we should turn the house over to the bank. What? and we can spend money on gifts??? I can buy things for me? NO. I knew we were in real trouble when Kiki started having diarrhea Friday night and Stuart said, “Oh Kiki please don’t get sick, we can’t afford it.” What? We discussed this before we got a dog. If we couldn’t afford a pet, we should not have gotten one. In my opinion, that is one of the worst things a person can do, and I know Stuart feels the same. (I know we would have found a way if Kiki would have needed to go to the veterinarian, but that comment really scared me.) We are in this situation because of me. We have not been able to sell the rest of the stuff out of the house, or get the house on the market because of me. No, the house may not have sold yet, but we are nowhere near even getting it ready. All because of me. I have gotten too sick for him to leave me alone to go to Durham and take care of things.

Now, how can I not feel guilt about being sick?? How can I not feel guilty for every doctor appointment I have? How can I not feel bad about every extra thing we have to spend because of my illnesses? How can I not feel bad about the trip we have to take to Duke….tomorrow?

We were talking about taking me to special clinics to look for more answers…..HOW could I even think of this??? I cannot allow my husband to lose everything for me. I cannot allow him to work so hard at his life and never be able to own another home, never be able to retire, never be able to do anything but take care of me! NO! I will die first. Please, please, let me die first. I simply cannot live with this guilt or with this lack of quality of life. How do you choose? How do you choose? Am I selfish and allow him to sacrifice everything for me, to help me…where it may end up there is no help, that I will end up just like this forever. Or do I stop it. and say enough. I accept that life will be like this.

I have ups. We’ve seen this, over and over. I have some good times. I had them not long ago. I went for over 4 months feeling so much better. Then I have times like this. Will I be like this forever, or will I have the good times again. Who knows. I cannot predict the future, and I have to stop making up the worst case scenario in my mind.

We have to get more stable financially before I can allow him to sacrifice any more. He does so much. He is so exhausted so much of the time. He doesn’t even see that it is because of me. At least he loves his job now. It is not draining him. He really enjoys it. I don’t worry about him so much there, but am I jeopardizing it? I hope not. Right now that is all I can do. I have to trust that his boss really is as understanding as he says he is. I have to believe. I know his hours are flexible….I hope they are as flexible as they are making them. He does a lot for me. They work around my appointments. Sometimes he leaves in a moments notice when I have an attack. He always gets in the hours, he gets his work done….he says that is all his boss is concerned about. But I am concerned. I do not want him to risk this job over me. (they did just put him in charge of a project, so they must believe in him, right?)

I have to be more involved in the finances and everything as often as I can. I have been hiding. I have not been able to handle the stress of it. I do not deal with instability.

I’m not dealing well with not being able to do anything. With not being able to help at all.

I’m simply not dealing well.

I do so wish we had some help. I wish someone would give us a maid for a day as a Christmas present. Or better yet, a maid service. We used to have one, got a great deal on Groupon, had a maid come in just once a month, and it was perfect. For this tiny place, I’m sure it wouldn’t cost much….well for some. But it would get the deep stuff done. Things that just don’t get done…..oh who am I kidding, a lot doesn’t get done lately. (I think that’s why Kiki got sick, she found something on the floor, I swear she’ll eat anything she finds!)

I’m tired. So tired. Between the spinning head and the aching back, sleep is hard. And now my brain will not shut off….I worry.

Please Please tell me I will be able to deal with this better again after I get off of these dang drugs! But then will the awful vertigo get worse again? I live like that either.

Why does it have to be so hard????

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