Category: Meniere’s Disease

An Article About Me…by Dr. Sanjay Gupta

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease, Vestibular Illness8 Comments

I wanted to share with everyone that I’m featured in an article in Everyday Health.  It is titled How Vertigo Changed My Life.  I am one of two women featured in the article.  I’m thrilled that Dr. Sanjay Gupta, felt that the impact that vertigo can have on a person’s life needs to be brought to the attention of the public.  The general population does not know much about vestibular disorders, you just don’t hear about us very much.  There aren’t commercials for medications that will help us, or anything like that.  Vestibular disorders are kind of confusing, even to a lot of doctors.  I’m honored, and thankful that they asked me to be a part of this article.

I hope you enjoy the article.  It’s a short read.  Please let me know what you think.

How Vertigo Changed My Life

Two women talk about the debilitating effects of vestibular disorders.

For Anne Kirchheimer (left) and Wendy Holcombe, vertigo has impacted their careers and personal lives.

 

 

A Few Facts About Vestibular Disorders….with comments about me.

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease, Vestibular Illness7 Comments

VEDA-BAW Poster-390163-WEB-1

Top Ten Facts about Vestibular Disorders      (This list is put out by VEDA.  The comments in bold italics are by me, all about me.)

  1.  The vestibular system includes the parts of the inner ear and brain that process sensory information involved with balance.  (however, your balance is controlled by your vestibular system, your vision and your sense of touch….but mostly your vestibular system.)
  2. Over 35% of US adults aged 40 years and older (69 million Americans) have had a vestibular dysfunction at some point in their lives.  (I remember my first vertigo attack when I was 30.  However, I had balance issues long before that, most likely caused because I had severe ear infections in my teens.)
  3. Vestibular disorders can be caused by disease, injury, poisoning by drugs or chemicals, autoimmune causes, traumatic brain injury, or aging.  Many vestibular disorders occur from unexplained causes.  (We don’t know what caused mine.  *shrug*)
  4. Symptoms of vestibular disorders include dizziness, vertigo (a spinning sensation), imbalance, tinnitus (ringing in the ears), fatigue, jumping vision, nausea/vomiting, hearing loss, anxiety, and cognitive difficulties.  (I just want to say that tinnitus can be a LOT more than just “ringing” in the ears.  I rarely hear ringing.  I normally hear buzzing, banging, roaring…all kinds of noises, I know one woman who hears music….”ringing” is just an easy way to explain it.  A lot of these symptoms are easy ways to explain them.  Your vestibular system is kinda complicated.)
  5. Vestibular disorders are difficult to diagnose. It is common for a patient to consult 4 or more physicians over a period several years before receiving an accurate diagnosis.   (very sad but true.  For a long time when I had vertigo attacks the doctors had no idea what was happening, I admit I probably didn’t describe it very well.  I remember once I had to have IV fluids because I was so dehydrated, my doctor was convinced I had food poisoning.  When I was finally diagnosed with Meniere’s disease it was a fluke.   I had been to the ER because I had been throwing up for over 12 hours and the doctor there said I was having vertigo and needed to see an ENT, this was the first time I heard the word, “Meniere’s”.  I was not diagnosed correctly.  The doctor didn’t do any test on me.  I could have had a brain tumor for all he knew.  Years later after a battery of testing at Duke, it was determined that I do have Meniere’s, but I also have other vestibular disorders.)
  6. There is no “cure” for most vestibular disorders. They may be treated with medication, physical therapy, lifestyle changes (e.g. diet, exercise), surgery, or positional maneuvers.
    In most cases, patients must adapt to a host of life-altering limitations.  (That’s a huge statement…there is NO CURE for MOST vestibular disorders.  I personally have had at least some type of all of the treatments mentioned…of course they are being very broad in saying what kind of treatments they are, but I use medication, have had physical therapy, and probably will again, I have extreme lifestyle changes…you would not believe how my life has changed…. I’ve had surgery many times, and I’ve had positional maneuvers…..whew…I will probably have more treatments in the future… at least I hope so, I’d like to feel a bit better than I do now.)
  7. Vestibular disorders impact patients and their families physically, mentally, and emotionally.
    In addition to physical symptoms such as dizziness and vertigo, vestibular patients can experience poor concentration, memory, and mental fatigue. Many vestibular patients suffer from anxiety and depression due to fear of falling and the loss of their independence.   (Most people do not understand how a vestibular disorder can cause so many cognitive issues, but it does.  With Meniere’s I’m not just afraid to fall, I’m afraid of having a vertigo attack in public…. this is horrifying.  I no longer fear the loss of my independence… I’ve lost it.  I can’t drive, I can’t go out alone, I use a walker, I can’t cook (it’s too dangerous with a balance disorder), I have a very hard time picking things up off the floor, I can’t take a shower, or bath without someone near by, just in case (often someone has to help me…. I don’t talk about things like this most of the time, and I often push through a lot of things when I’m around other people, but I pay for it later.)
  8. Common vestibular disorders include benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV), Ménière’s disease, labyrinthitis, vestibular neuritis, and vestibular migraine.  (personally I have 3 of the vestibular disorders mentioned here.  I have BPPV, Meniere’s Disease, and vestibular migraines.  I also have an unknown vestibular disorder….one that is causing me a lot of problems but the symptoms do not fit in with the other defined disorders.  I will hopefully be going to John Hopkins in the not too distant future to try to find out what this unknown vestibular disorder is and maybe how we can treat it.)
  9. In the US, medical care for patients with chronic balance disorders exceeds $1 billion per year.  (I have to admit, I always wonder where they get these numbers and what they include.   I have to say the treatment of my vestibular disorders has been extreme.  We are very lucky we have insurance.  Of course, insurance doesn’t cover everything.   To give an example of just how much one thing cost…. I had a vestibular illness take my hearing and cause me to get cochlear implants, they cost over $100,000 each.  That’s a lot of money.  Of course, most people with vestibular illnesses do not lose their hearing.  I’m a bit rare.  heh… but aren’t I always *wink*)
  10. The Vestibular Disorders Association (VEDA) is the largest patient organization providing information, support, and advocacy for vestibular patients worldwide.  (VEDA has been a go to place for me to find information.  If you want to know more about a certain vestibular disorder, I suggest going to their website. http://www.vestibular.org)

Don’t Let My Situation with Meniere’s Disease Depress You!!

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Cochlear Implant, Meniere's Disease23 Comments

I haven’t written in a long time because, I had someone with Meniere’s tell me they read my blog and found it very depressing.  This is something I have feared for a long time.  I’ve seriously considered stopping this blog because of this very reason.  I do not want people to read about me and think that this is their fate.

I wrote a lot about having Meniere’s Disease and what it was doing to me before I knew I had “MORE THAN MENIERE’S”.    Even then we knew my case was very atypical.  If you have Meniere’s Disease do not take the progression of my disease as a road map of what your life will look like.

This blog is a journal of my experiences.  I am far from a textbook case.  As my doctor has said…..I am different from any case he has seen.  (he works with a LOT of people with many Vestibular issues at Duke, especially Meniere’s…he is the head of the Vestibular Clinic)  He has told me that there is nothing else he can do for me.  It is recommended that I go to John Hopkins Vestibular Clinic.  They do a lot more research in vestibular disorders than Duke does.  Frankly, I haven’t found any other place that does more research in vestibular disorders than John Hopkins.

Most people with Meniere’s never go bilateral.  Those who do, most never lose their hearing.  For those who do, it normally takes a very long time.   And the very, few who get to that point normally have very little to no vertigo after that.  If they ever do it is very mild.

I’m very different.  When I went bilateral, I completely lost my hearing within 3 years, I now have cochlear implants.  I still have vertigo often.  Even with Cochlear Implants my hearing fluctuates a lot.  (by a lot, I mean many times a day…this is far from normal.  Some people with Meniere’s who have CI’s do have their hearing fluctuate if they have a vertigo attack, but not like I do.)  I will have times where I can go without severe bouts of vertigo for a while then I’ll have a month or so with attacks every day.  That is not normal for Meniere’s.  This is very atypical for this disease.  As my doctor said, I have more than Meniere’s.

I have tried to steer this blog to cover more of my chronic illnesses as a whole, and not focus on Meniere’s Disease.  It doesn’t seem to be working out that way.  My vertigo and hearing issues are a HUGE part of my life.  How do I not talk about them?

I do not want my blog to depress anyone…..I don’t want it to cause people to have less hope.  Meniere’s can be a very scary disease….I do not need to add to it.  I’ve always wanted to give people hope.  To let them know there is life beyond the disease.  That the disease is only a part of the patient’s life, it is not all of your life…it is not who you are.  Things are just different now.

Right now I really don’t know what I’m going to do with this blog.

If I change the focus, people will still see the past post and can see it as depressing, and disheartening.

I am thinking about making a static post that you have to see first when you come to my blog before going to other post, and then starting a new blog, that is much more positive, and not mention Meniere’s Disease as much.  I am afraid I may lose a lot of you.  I’ve changed blogs before, and I lost a lot of people.

Maybe I’ll just give it a try.  Or have 2 blogs for a while?

I just don’t know.

Right now.  This has really been on my mind and has me stuck.

Love and Peace to all of you!

wendy

4 days…….What if?

On By WendyIn Avascular Necrosis, Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease9 Comments

Surgery is in 4 days.

I’ve been very nervous about a few things, mostly my vertigo and how it will affect my recovery.  I don’t like not having a plan.  When I don’t have a plan, I get scared.  I don’t like to admit fear.  I’m not nervous about the surgery itself.  I’m not nervous about normal hip replacement recovery.  I’m nervous about what I’ll do if I have a vertigo attack right after surgery.  What will I do if I can’t roll over on my left side if I have positional vertigo and the only way it is relieved is by lying on my left side?……I’m afraid of falling…….I’m afraid of how I’ll bathe …..

Then I really sat down and faced my fears….What if?

drawing by me....haha
drawing by me….haha

Really, what if these things happened, what is the worst that would happen?

About having positional vertigo….I can’t lie on my left side….ok, maybe it will be relieved by just turning my head to the left while lying on my back, or tilting it to the left while sitting up, or maybe twisting my upper body will do it?  If not, well golly, when I have vertigo from a Meniere’s attack I can’t get relief, and I live through it, I’ll live through it.  I won’t like it, but I’ll survive.  There is a maneuver that can be done that will stop the vertigo when I have BPPV, it does involve turning me partially on my left side for a bit, but I think it can be adapted.  I’ll just have to deal with it.  That is the biggest thing isn’t it.  I will deal with it.

About having vertigo while walking…or having a drop attack….Well I sure can’t control that!  If it happens, hopefully I can fall well.  Oh, I just giggled, I couldn’t help it.  I really do try my best to fall well on a day to day basis, and I do a pretty good job of it, I’ve only broken one bone!!  No concussions!  (Honestly you have no idea what a feat that is!!)  I don’t know how to fall well right after a hip replacement.  However, I am going to make sure I know how before I leave the hospital.  I’ll have the physical therapist show me the best way to move my leg if I fall.  Maybe if I fall I can do that, if not….well hopefully my hip won’t come out of joint.  If it does, we’ll deal with it.  It isn’t ideal, but something I just can’t control, no matter how much of a plan I have.  I can’t have someone with me 24 hours a day for over a month…or three….to walk with me, holding on to me, so that if I suddenly have vertigo of a drop attack they can catch me and help me.  I’d still end up on the floor.  OH…that’s another thing I’ll have to make sure I know how to do…how do I get up off the floor???  Guess that comes along with how to fall huh?  I wonder how many people ask the PT….so, what is the best way to fall?   hahaha    “Well first, hold on to your walker for dear life!”  *snicker*

I have to admit, I’m a little afraid about how to get in and out of the tub and taking a shower.  Our bathroom is not ideal.  It is not level.  The tub is far from being level.  I’ve never been able to stand in it to take a shower.  My balance is simply not that good.  I have only taken baths since we’ve been here.  The only times I’ve taken a shower has been when I’ve gone to the pool….maybe I could just go to the pool a couple of days a week to shower.  haha….yeah, that would work…considering I’m not getting aqua therapy any more, I’m sure they would let me just come in and use the pool plus it’s a about a 20 minute ride from my house….not the best idea, but it’s just a nice shower!!!!   I’m curious if the shower seat is going to sit level.  When you have a hip replacement you can’t bend your leg beyond 90 degrees, and you can’t put all your weight on that leg. so stepping in the tub is a no-no.  I have to sit down and have a straight leg out and slide in the tub.  They make a special seat for this, but our toilet is in the say.  I have not figured out how to make this work yet, but I’m sure the physical therapist who comes over the day after I get home will be able to do it.  I’m sure they have seen everything.   Hey, I know, I’ll just sit on the seat with my legs out of the tub.  Stuart can help wash the part that’s in the tub, and then he can wash my legs out side the tub.  Yep that will work.  hahaha.  Hey, worst case scenario.  We will work it out.

So…..What if?

What if?….. isn’t so scary now is it??

Surgery Date, and Vertigo

On By WendyIn Avascular Necrosis, Chronic Illness, Hip Replacement, Meniere's Disease20 Comments

I will be having my hip replacement on April 14th.

I admit I’ve had my surgery date since right after my last post, but I didn’t want to make a post that just said my surgery date, so I’ve been procrastinating.  I’ve also been busy getting ready.  There’s really a lot to do.  Had to get blood test to make sure I’m not anemic.  If I had been I would have needed to start a drug to build that up a month before surgery.  Since I’m not, I still need to start iron supplements 2 weeks before to reduce the chances of needing a transfusion.  I’ll soon be having the post-surgical mobility people come out to help set up our home so I’ll be all set up after surgery.  For now there are certain things we know we need to do and are trying to get those things done.  (like lift a chair for me, and the bed…)  There’s just all kinds of things I have to do……

Aqua Therapy www.physiotec.ca
Aqua Therapy
www.physiotec.ca

Aqua Physical Therapy has been going well.  It is magical.  I get in the water and suddenly I can walk with no pain.  I go from not being able to put weight on my leg without excruciating pain, to no pain!  Amazing.  Some of the exercises to hurt, can’t avoid that, it’s so different than normally being in physical therapy when you feel better and better as you go along.  My pain is getting worse.  We understand why, of course, but it’s difficult.  However, I am getting stronger.  I can do more repetitions on some exercises, can walk further, I just can’t certain exercises any more, and we have to change other exercises . She has mentioned how amazed she is at how much better my balance and vertigo have been.  I noticed it too.  When I first started going to the pool I was a woobly mess; the last session, on Thursday, I walked the length of the pool without having to have her hold on to me.  That’s huge really.

On Sunday I woke up with vertigo.  Just a moment and it was gone.  I started to move and it was back.  Ughumph.  Back to my head on the pillow and it settled down.  What the?  I tried again.  Same thing.  So, I tried moving my head on my pillow….sure enough, if I moved my head a certain way the vertigo would start, fast!  Oh it was BAD!  Head back to neutral!  Positional vertigo!  I have no idea why.  Normally when I have positional vertigo it is in conjunction with a migraine.  So I took my migraine medication.  It didn’t work.  All day Sunday and Monday if I moved my head I was spinning.  My only relief was to lie on my LEFT side.  During the night on Monday it woke me up when I moved my head the wrong way in my sleep.  I almost threw up in the bed.  ughumph!  Then I woke up on Tuesday still feeling very off.  I was so cautious, I wasn’t sure I even wanted to attempt to move my head, I decided to just go to the bathroom.  I hobbled to the bathroom with the help of my walker my head tilted to the side.  In the bathroom I held on to the sink and straightened my head.  No spinning.  Good sign.  I tilted it back.  No vertigo!  Really?  I rotated it around …very…very…slowly…no vertigo.  WOW.  Yes I’m still very wonky and feel…well…off…but I’m not spinning!  thank goodness.

What would this mean if it happened right after my surgery.   Should I be thinking about this now?  Really how can I NOT?  I know I can’t change it if it happens.  So, I have to think about it, I just do!  I need to figure out a better way to handle this situation if it happens during my recovery.  The only way that I was able to really stop the vertigo was to lie on my LEFT side.  I’m having my LEFT hip replaced.  I won’t be able to lie on that side for a while, at least not constantly for two and a half days.  I’m not going to be able to figure this out right now, but I have to think about it.  Getting up and down and keeping to the “rules” on how I can bend my hip was pretty darn impossible too.  But that will have to be done.  Hopefully that will be easier when I have a chair set up for me.  Also being able to just lean to the left in the chair but not put all my weight on that side might would work better in a chair?  If I have a bad attack and I can’t tell what way is up, or down, or left, or right….I have no balance at all….really, it is VERY hard to explain…there is no way I will be able to control how I fall in a situation like that.  I’m not just dizzy, I have no clear vision at all, what I’m seeing is like a camera that is just spinning around and around as fast as it could be….and it doesn’t stop.  I can’t tell what my body is doing.  It’s not just what I’m seeing, my body feels as if things are moving too.  When you are dizzy you feel a little off-balance.  When you have vertigo at its worst you feel as if you are being tossed around.  When I tell people I get vertigo, they often think I get dizzy.  It isn’t the same thing.   It’s funny, when I haven’t had vertigo for a long time and then I have an attack I forget just how bad it is.  Not really….it is there in my mind….but my body forgets.  It has to I think, for self-preservation.  If it didn’t I think fear would control my life.

Imagine walking in your house when it looks like this, but it is moving, and you feel like everything is moving?
Imagine walking in your house when your porch looks like this, but it is moving, and you feel like everything is moving?

As it is now, my body handles it much better than it used to.  As long as I’m in a safe place, lying down.  I ride out most attacks pretty well, thanks to my mindfulness techniques, and a little help from medication.  If I’m walking….that is terrifying.  When this first started happening my head turned the wrong way when I was coming out of the bathroom and I started spinning fast!  The walls moved, the floor moved, I grabbed the wall and held on!  Luckily Stuart was right there.  (I’m so lucky that normally when I need him most he is right there.)  At this time my head tilted to the left and the world straightened.  Oh, I had my head at the wrong angle….duh.  I knew this was positional vertigo.  Remember, living one moment at a time….without judgment.

Since this happened I think it showed me I can’t wait until it happens after my surgery to think about it.  I have to think about it now.  I am going to talk to my physical therapist, and the post op physical therapist about this.  I’m lucky because my physical therapist who works with me in the pool is also a physical therapist who works with patients as soon as they come out of surgery to help them understand the right way to get up and down and stuff like that.  She has already showed me some things so I’ve been practicing.  I think that’s a great idea, that way I think I’ll be much less likely to goof up after surgery if I’m already getting up and down the way you are supposed to.

Not long now, and I will be in much less pain, but I’ll need to be careful.  A few restriction that I think will be hard to stick to.   I was talking to a new friend who had this done for the same reason a couple of years ago, and she said that it went so easily that it made it difficult to follow the rules for as long as they say….but it’s very important to do so.  I’m going to try my darndest!  I’m really good at following instructions, I think, why go through all of this and not follow the recommended instructions?  I sure don’t want to mess up and end up having surgery again.

So, this time I think there is a bit of thinking about the future to be done.  Not really thinking about it as in, worrying, or planning it out and being disappointed if it doesn’t happen….but making plans to be better prepared.  That’s all I can do.  I’m not going to fret about it.  I will try to be as prepared as I can, that’s it.  If things still happen and I end up falling and the worst happens, well then it happens.  I will know I did all I could do to prepare.  There’s a difference in living in the moment, not living in the past, not worrying about the future….that doesn’t mean you can’t make plans try to be prepared.   However, if things go south, don’t get all out of shape, you tried to prepare, that’s all you can do.  Keep being mindful.  Take one moment at a time.  Take care of yourself.  That’s all you can do.  That’s all I can do.

A Change.org Petition for Musicians U2 to Bring Awareness of Meniere’s Disease

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease1 Comment

My friend at Sunshine and Chaos wrote a post I should have. As you all know, I have Meniere’s Disease…or “More than Meniere’s Disease”. Please sign this petition to bring awareness to this disease. thank you.

sunshine and chaos's avatarsunshine and chaos

Image via http://www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/p/we-need-your-help-please/

As many of you know, I have an inner ear disorder that forced me to stop working and eventually have to go on disability because the specialists do not have the tools to help me.

I am, sadly, far from alone in living and dealing with a disability and doctors being unable to help me get better and go back to leading a productive life.

To say that funding and research for inner ear disorders are woefully lacking is an understatement. As those with vestibular disorders know, the public does not realize how many people of all ages are afflicted with inner ear disorders.

I also believe that it will take the involvement of A+++ famous people to help bring a much greater awareness and understanding about vestibular diseases. This, in turn, would bring about more funding and research. One has only to think about the effect…

View original post 281 more words

Hip Replacement with Severe Balance Issues….this could be interesting.

On By WendyIn Avascular Necrosis, Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease6 Comments

Today….what I learned at my doctor’s visit, my concerns, and how I’m preparing for everything.

I was really shocked when I saw the CT scan of my hip.   Here’s a little quick sketch of what I saw:

by w. holcombe
by w. holcombe

As you can see, in late September I had a perfectly round head on my femur, it looks normal.  The CT I had taken on February 13th, showed the femoral head collapsing.  It is amazing how fast this condition has progressed.  No wonder the pain has progressed so much.  As my doctor said, I’m have a square peg in a round hole.  My leg is now shorter than the other, it is throwing every thing off.  The pain in the joint is very bad.  I haven’t talked about it, but I haven’t been able to walk much.  I can’t walk at all without a walker supporting my weight.  I spoke to a new friend who has this in a number of joints and she said this pain is comparable to bone cancer.  Wow.  I don’t think mine is that bad yet.  Some days I think it gets up there though, but not all the time.  It does ache all the time, I hover around a 7, it never goes below a 5…and that is rare…it does spike to a 10, but I’m lucky it doesn’t stay there long.  It is a very sharp pain when I move or try to put weight on it.  I can’t take narcotics.  They make me feel like things are crawling on me.  I can’t take NSAIDS because I’ve had an ulcer.  The most I can take for pain is Tylenol, and I don’t want to take too much of that, it can damage your liver.  So, I meditate, and I really baby my hip.  If I could take narcotics I could probably move around and do more.  As it is, just the trip to the doctor on Monday left me in so much pain I didn’t sleep much on Monday night, and Tuesday was so bad I couldn’t get up long enough to get myself lunch.  I simply couldn’t do it.  Luckily, Stuart had gone to work very early and came home early, so I got something to eat and much help for the rest of the day.

I got a LOT of information from my doctor.  He told me that many people could have received the same amount of steroids I did and never acquired Avascular Necrosis (AVN).  Guess I’m just lucky.  *grin*  Some people may just have a predisposition to it.  Of course, thinking back, I have had a whole lot of steroids.  He also said this is progressing fast.  There are some other treatments for this, but most are just stop gaps and you end up having to have a hip replacement anyway, and if your femoral head has lost it’s shape, like mine has, you can’t do most (if any) of them.

So, hip replacement is a GO!  I don’t have a date yet, waiting for the appointment setter to call.  I’m sure it will be a little while out, because of things that have to be done before hand.  I have a whole packet of things to be done, things to help you understand more about the procedure and things that are going to happen afterward…..it’s very thorough.  If that weren’t enough, there’s a class, yep a class to explain everything you may have questions about; the procedure, home health care, physical therapy…just about everything.  Don’t know how I’m going to sit through a class without excruciating pain, but I’m going to try.  Stuart said he’d go alone, but I think I should go.

There are a lot of people who have joint replacements, obviously, for them to have a class.  They have really thought of everything.  There will be a home health nurse that will come out twice a week to check my blood because I will be on coumadin to reduce the chance of blood clots.  This has to be monitored closely. (often they just put people on a high dose of Aspirin, but again, I couldn’t do that because of the ulcer thing) A physical therapist will be coming to our home to work with me instead of me having to try to go out to physical therapy.  My doctor said that PT is mostly just walking.  There will be post op services coming out to help set up the house for us, if I didn’t already have one, I’d be getting a walker (I may be getting a new one if they can get me one that fits in the bathroom), a tub bench, and a 3 in 1 bed side toilet.  I wondered what the 3 in 1 was, that means it works a bed side toilet, or railing to hold on to use your own toilet, or to use as a raised toilet seat.  Funny thing, I have one of these back in Durham, Stuart got it a long time ago thinking it might help when I have vertigo, but it didn’t, if I could sit up, I could go to the bathroom.  (you can’t really sit up when the world is spinning like crazy!)  I’ll also get a grabby thing to help me reach things so I won’t bend my leg more than a 90 degree angle.  Also, a special thing to help me put on my socks and shoes.  Stuart laughed, both of those things have been his job for a long time.  Due to my dizziness I can’t pick things off the floor, I was shocked that my doctor knew this!  I haven’t been able to put on my socks and shoes since September.  So this will be a relief for Stuart, and make me feel much more independent.

OH, I forgot to tell you more of what my doctor said about the surgery itself.  I will be in the hospital 1 – 2 days.  I won’t have anesthesia, that doesn’t mean I’ll be awake during the operation, but I won’t be put under a deep sleep.  I’ll have a spinal block.  So I won’t feel all icky, I won’t get sick, and I won’t have to worry about them putting a tube down my throat.  It’s kind of cool.  He told me that most people with this condition tell him that the pain they have now is instantly gone after the surgery.  How cool is that?  He said I will be sore from the incision but I probably won’t hurt worse than I do now.  He said first off there will be a lot of local anesthesia that will take a few days to wear off and that’s when the incision would hurt the worse.  He has been impressed that I have been able to tolerate this much pain without pain medication, so I think I’ll be able to do it.  However, I won’t be babying this, I’ll be working it hard with the PT.  So much more Tylenol.  Maybe a Tramadol now and then, but even that makes me feel funny if I take it too often, but I can take it every couple of days.  He said he will make my legs the same length….yay!  He said I may out live my hip replacement.  All I can say about that is…..life is unpredictable, so no biggie.  I could get this hip replacement and get hit by a bus in a week. No one knows the future.  *shrug*

I’m not afraid of this hip replacement surgery.  I really haven’t been afraid of the surgery itself.  I’m afraid of the hip replacement surgery in conjunction with the rest of my stuff.  Having a severe balance disorder with sudden vertigo that comes on without any warning could be a very big complication to my recovery.  As my doctor said, we can try to plan and prepare for everything, but this is something we simply can’t change.  It’s something we have to hope luck will be with us.

I’m already a VERY CAREFUL person.  I use a walker all the time.  I stay close to walls so if I do have a vertigo attack I have something I can grab and try to fall easy, just slide down the wall.  However, I still fall, OFTEN.  I fell the last week in such a position that if I was recovering from hip replacement surgery there is no doubt I would have dislocated my hip and possibly fractured it.  I simply let go of my walker to sit on the couch and suddenly got dizzy…..WHAM!   This wasn’t even full fledged vertigo, this was just a tilt of the world.  If I was hit with bad vertigo there would be no keeping my balance no matter how hard I tried.  I can’t tell up from down the world is spinning so fast all around.

This is my concern.  Recovering from hip replacement surgery with Severe Meniere’s Disease…or “more than Meniere’s Disease”  what ever they want to call it.  A severe balance disorder and sudden onset vertigo.

Perhaps I should get a Bubble Wrap Suit???  Too hot?  Probably so.

Stuart is going to take time off to be with me during my time in the hospital.  Of course, if he’s completely bored he can work while he’s there.  My doctor said the room I’ll be in is big and has a day bed so Stuart can stay right there.  Since I have a special diet, we can pack me up some food and they will warm it up for us there.  He said he wouldn’t trust the hospital to get it right.  Yeah, I wouldn’t either.

Stuart will most likely be able to work from home for most of my recovery period.  At least for the most difficult part. We don’t know yet, because we don’t know when things will be, or how long it will be.

Going to get our house more prepared.

Not going to worry about my balance problems and my recovery.  I can’t control the future, so no need to worry.  Just be aware and extra mindful of every step I take.  Prepare as much as I can….but worry….no.  Be afraid…no.   One moment at a time, right?

image from sayw.com/quotes
image from sayw.com/quotes

 

It’s just so hard sometimes…

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease, Vestibular Illness3 Comments

This is a stream of thought post.  I just needed to talk and get some things out.  So no fixing of grammar or anything.  One thing I do want to say before you read this…..I’m not suicidal.

photo by w holcome
photo by w holcome

Is everything just so hard right now or is it the life through steroids?

I feel like I’m slipping away.  I don’t know who I am half the time.  I’m really not handling things all that well….yet in the next moment I am….then I’m not…then I am…then I’m completely melting down and that has been the last two days, and

I just feel like a weight is on me that I cannot lift and it is crushing me,grinding me down further into the ground past the point of breath….I’m buried alive….why, why cannot I still just not die.

Oh I am so ashamed to feel this way.  I am just so tired.  So tired of feeling the ups, the downs, the hope, the devastation when life kicks me in the gut over and over.  And I can’t believe I’m actually writing these feelings out here where everyone can read them.

I do not feel like this.  I don’t.  This is not how I handle things any more.  It has to be the steroids messing with me…it has to be….

But then…there has been so much loss lately…so much stress…and I found out yesterday that it is worse than I thought.

When you can’t hear very well…..let’s face it, I can’t hear at all without my cochlear implants on and working, and for a while now things haven’t been sounding right.  So conversations with my husband have not been as communicative as they normally are.  I have always been so proud of how our relationship has been so good, because we communicate so well.  When you can’t talk a lot, communication seems to fail.  He thinks I hear things I don’t.  I think I hear things he said differently.  And things simply do not get talked about.  I’ve been feeling like we just talking much about stuff….and when we do, things just don’t get anywhere, we just get a bit frustrated because I don’t understand things….well…I really didn’t understand something, and I got really upset about it yesterday.  I lost it, completely broke down, and I’m still spinning about it.

I thought our finances were doing ok.  Not great of course.  Tight.  We do have a mortgage and rent and everything.  But I thought we were ok, not in the negative ever month, being able to pay our bills…paying off credit cards….ect.  We aren’t.  We are still in trouble.  I’ve been spending money recently.  I’ve told Stuart when I was going to, or asked him….he didn’t say…”we really shouldn’t be spending”.  No I haven’t gone crazy, but I’ve spent when I didn’t need to.  We bought Christmas for our niece and nephew that could have cost half what it did.  He said, “It’s what we would normally spend.”  This makes no sense to me.  I’m so distraught.  He said….that in about a year we should turn the house over to the bank.  What?  and we can spend money on gifts???  I can buy things for me?  NO.   I knew we were in real trouble when Kiki started having diarrhea Friday night and Stuart said, “Oh Kiki please don’t get sick, we can’t afford it.”   What?  We discussed this before we got a dog.  If we couldn’t afford a pet, we should not have gotten one.  In my opinion, that is one of the worst things a person can do, and I know Stuart feels the same.  (I know we would have found a way if Kiki would have needed to go to the veterinarian, but that comment really scared me.)  We are in this situation because of me.  We have not been able to sell the rest of the stuff out of the house, or get the house on the market because of me.  No, the house may not have sold yet, but we are nowhere near even getting it ready.  All because of me.  I have gotten too sick for him to leave me alone to go to Durham and take care of things.

Now, how can I not feel guilt about being sick??  How can I not feel guilty for every doctor appointment I have?  How can I not feel bad about every extra thing we have to spend because of my illnesses?  How can I not feel bad about the trip we have to take to Duke….tomorrow?

We were talking about taking me to special clinics to look for more answers…..HOW could I even think of this???  I cannot allow my husband to lose everything for me.  I cannot allow him to work so hard at his life and never be able to own another home, never be able to retire, never be able to do anything but take care of me!  NO!  I will die first.   Please, please, let me die first.  I simply cannot live with this guilt or with this lack of quality of life.  How do you choose?  How do you choose?  Am I selfish and allow him to sacrifice everything for me, to help me…where it may end up there is no help, that I will end up just like this forever.  Or do I stop it.  and say enough.  I accept that life will be like this.

I have ups.  We’ve seen this, over and over.  I have some good times.  I had them not long ago.  I went for over 4 months feeling so much better.  Then I have times like this.  Will I be like this forever, or will I have the good times again.  Who knows.  I cannot predict the future, and I have to stop making up the worst case scenario in my mind.

We have to get more stable financially before I can allow him to sacrifice any more.  He does so much.  He is so exhausted so much of the time.  He doesn’t even see that it is because of me.  At least he loves his job now.  It is not draining him.  He really enjoys it.  I don’t worry about him so much there, but am I jeopardizing it?   I hope not.  Right now that is all I can do.  I have to trust that his boss really is as understanding as he says he is.  I have to believe.  I know his hours are flexible….I hope they are as flexible as they are making them.  He does a lot for me.  They work around my appointments.  Sometimes he leaves in a moments notice when I have an attack.  He always gets in the hours, he gets his work done….he says that is all his boss is concerned about.  But I am concerned.  I do not want him to risk this job over me.  (they did just put him in charge of a project, so they must believe in him, right?)

I have to be more involved in the finances and everything as often as I can.  I have been hiding.  I have not been able to handle the stress of it.  I do not deal with instability.

I’m not dealing well with not being able to do anything.  With not being able to help at all.

I’m simply not dealing well.

I do so wish we had some help.  I wish someone would give us a maid for a day as a Christmas present.  Or better yet, a maid service.  We used to have one, got a great deal on Groupon, had a maid come in just once a month, and it was perfect.  For this tiny place, I’m sure it wouldn’t cost much….well for some.   But it would get the deep stuff done.  Things that just don’t get done…..oh who am I kidding, a lot doesn’t get done lately.   (I think that’s why Kiki got sick, she found something on the floor, I swear she’ll eat anything she finds!)

I’m tired.  So tired.  Between the spinning head and the aching back, sleep is hard.  And now my brain will not shut off….I worry.

Please Please tell me I will be able to deal with this better again after I get off of these dang drugs!   But then will the awful vertigo get worse again?  I live like that either.

Why does it have to be so hard????

I did it Alone. Spinning another day…

On By WendyIn Meniere's Disease4 Comments

At a little after 6am Stuart was leaving for work and I woke up and decided to eat a little something and take my first steroid of the day.

I woke at 8am with my stomach hurting…ugh, steroids.  Then I thought,  “Oh good, it is better today, knock on wood”…and I really did!  I took an antacid for my stomach and went back to sleep.

I woke up at 10am with horrible heartburn and spinning.  sometimes you just want to cuss!

I thought, ok….slow.  I can handle slow.  I hope.  I took meds and slowly, very slowly started to get up.  Ah…let’s just lie here for a minute.

Try again….slow.  VERY SLOW….  I feel like I’m walking on a merry-go-round, and it’s on a rocking boat….ugh…my stomach takes a lurch…it’s ok, just stop here for a second.  Grab my walker….oh nice walker, I love you so much.   slowly I get up…I am sure no one has ever seen anyone move so slowly.  Once I am up, well kind of up, I am hunched over the walker with my head leaning to one side, I am doing pretty good.  I start to head to the bathroom.  WAIT…phone!  I grab my phone, just in case.  If I fall, I need to make sure I can get help.  and off to the bathroom.   I DID IT!  I got to the bathroom ALONE!  During vertigo!  it was a very slow spin but I did it!!

I did it 4 times today!!!   I have been slowly spinning all day!!!   If I keep my head exactly still things are pretty still, but if I move, WHOOSH!

This morning I was very proud of myself.  Not only did I get to the bathroom alone, I got in the kitchen, grabbed a banana, a couple of pancakes that were in the fridge and got back to the bedroom…got my CI’s….and things I’d need for the day  (meds and such) and go myself to the couch.  Once I went from the standing position I was in to sitting the vertigo went WILD!  What on earth?  who knows this is the most bizarre thing in the world, no rhyme or reason to me!

So I collapsed and tried to calm down…and hung on!  Whew!

It slowed, and I was ok, but not great by any stretch of the imagination.

It’s about 11am by now.  Stuart had an appointment this morning and texted to check on me.  I told him I was spinning but I handled it, however, if he could stop by on his way back to work and help me get settled it would be great.  So he did….and I sent him on his way!  Even though I was not doing well when he left.  It is now almost 4pm and I have done a good job of handling things today.

I’m proud of me.

I still want to share with you guys just how I got through some of the roughest parts this past month, and everything that went on in my head, and heart.  Things I didn’t want to admit to.  I was ashamed to admit I wasn’t handling things as well as I thought I would.  But I got through it, and learned a lot along the way.   Of course, I’m still going through it….so…we’ll get there.

One thing that really helped me get through all of this…..

So I feel bad about it…feel bad.  That’s OK.  Acknowledge it.  Don’t feel so guilty about it.  I don’t have to feel positive all the time.  My positive go to attitude is still there, but it is perfectly fine to feel bad about this, to feel sad, angry, and well….just bad.   I’m not going to wallow in it, I’m not going to get stuck in it, so I don’t need to beat myself up over it either.  Accept it, and have some self compassion.

Things I should note today….  woke feeling better around 8am.  Woke with vertigo at 10am.  Had rotational vertigo all day, various degrees of spinning speed.  Right side of face/head felt funny. (by this I mean, it feels thick).  Had a migraine.  Took a Maxalt, pain got better, but side of head sensation did not go away.   *could some of the vertigo be migraine related?   Ears feel full, but not as full as they have over the past few weeks.  When I drink I can really feel the coolness in my right ear, it actually feels like water gets in my ear.  there is not water in there if I feel in there, but it feels very strange.  am I just noticing this because I’m hyper aware now?

 

Not the post I planned….

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease6 Comments

So I had this post all planned out.  I had been working on it in my head.  I even had a few little illustrations to go with it.  Neat huh?

I really wanted to talk about what has been happening to me over the past few months.  All the stuff that has been going on…Physically, Mentally, and Spiritually.

I thought I could get it out.   I haven’t been able to write much.  To read much.  To do much of anything because of the vertigo.  Finally, I thought I could do it.  I started getting it together.   but that’s not how things happened…..

I started getting ready for bed night before last.  I had had a strange day.  I hadn’t had vertigo, but my ears felt off.  (if you have Meniere’s you can know what that means….or it could means something different for me….what they were doing, well, they felt very full, and my hearing was weird – best word I have – I thought that would stop when I lost my hearing and now hear through cochlear implants, but no, my hearing still gets wonky, unless of course I turn them off, then I just hear the increased tinnitus….oh yeah, I didn’t mention that, I also had increased tinnitus.)  I also had this weird fainting type of spell.  I didn’t faint, but I felt like I was going to, like I was hit by a tranquilizer gun.  It was strange.  I had to fight hard not to just pass out.  I could have gone to sleep, I guess, but it was too scary of a feeling, like if I went to sleep I might now wake up.  This has happened a few times lately, I have blamed the steroids, they can make your blood sugar drop, so I eat something and feel better.  This time was a bit worse, as it came on very suddenly, and I was hard pressed to even move……so….Stuart checked my blood sugar.  I’d just eaten a banana, my blood sugar should not have been low.  My blood sugar was indeed not low.  It was on the higher side of normal…hmmm.  Not that strange since I just had that very ripe banana, but strange since I felt like I was fainting from low blood sugar???  what on earth?   Well I ate some protein anyway, and maybe it was the placebo effect, maybe the spell was just ending, whatever…I started to feel better.   But I still felt off…and I admit, I ate more, I ate too much probably.  But I felt better.

A little while later I went to get ready for bed.  I was brushing my teeth and looking in the mirror and thought…why am I moving?  Then I feel it and think…”oh shit.”  Yep, vertigo.  No warning, no strange feeling, nothing….I was just moving….what the?

It was slow so I rushed to go to pee real fast but had to have Stuart help me to bed.  (I always try to pee really fast before it gets bad because I always have to go when it happens.  It is horrible lying there about to bust to pee and can’t move because of vertigo, but it happens every time!  And if I vomit, I will pee too, complete loss of control.  So rush to pee, if I can…..so strange how things have changed for me with this…I never would have considered trying to run to the bathroom when this started a just a year ago, now, well….things have changed….)

I got my meds in me and it looked like this wold be a short trip.  WRONG!  It was a long and bad.   Over 4 hours….slow, fast, start to sleep – wake spinning fast, terrified – have to go to the bathroom again!  can’t get up….bedpan, humiliation, back – pain! – ….FAST SPINNING – help….slow…..fast…..sick…sick….help….tired….guilt….sorry…..sleep….AHHH!…..slow….sleep…AHHH!……….

Now what?

I was supposed to be going down to 1 steroid a day the next day.  Yesterday.  I did.  I felt bad all day yesterday.  I hoped it was just that hangover feel from the night before.  Then..Last night.  vertigo.  just a little, all night, I just kept waking with the bed moving.  I handled it.

This morning I woke….AHHH! FULL FAST SPIN!   Stuart’s at work, and I have to GO TO THE BATHROOM!  and I do not mean just for my morning pee.   Oh hell.   Whoosh!  Whoosh!  Whoosh!  I can’t move.  Which world do I try to step in to?  They are moving so fast.  Whoosh!  Whoosh!  Whoosh!  Oh I am so sick.  More meds.  sick.  I have to GO!

I grab my phone….text….I can’t see the key board, it’s all a blur…WHOOSH!   I type, “Spinning”  I think…and hit send to Stuart.   I don’t want to bother him, I want to be able to do this alone.  But how?  I know other people do.  How do they do it?  How do they go to the bathroom?  How do they survive without killing themselves (accidentally or on purpose?)   Since this has gotten so bad, I have always had Stuart to help me.  I’ve only had to deal with an attack a very few times alone.  That was so long ago.  It was so hard.  I don’t know how to not ask for that help from him.  How do I do this alone?

Soon I got a text back.   I don’t know what it said…..I texted….”help”  hit send.

Then I called on voice.  I only have to hit one button.  I did not have my cochlear implant’s on, so I could not hear anything.  I saw the little numbers start counting, I don’t know if he picked up, I just started talking.   “I’m not hurt, I have to go to the bathroom.  I need help for that.  I’m not hurt.  please just come help me to the bathroom.  I’m not hurt.  can’t get to the bathroom, really have to go…..”  then said I hoped he heard me and hung up.  I really wanted him to know I wasn’t lying there hurt, but I needed a little help….then I waited….

and waited.   and held on as hard as I could.  I knew I would soon have to try to crawl to the bathroom…..but then what?  I wouldn’t be able to get up on the toilet…..what was I going to do?   I kept trying to think.  the bedpan was in the bathroom.  Ugh! The trashcan?  maybe.   I’m going to kill my back even more.  “I have to GO!  I’m going to soil myself soon.”   (I really think I may have ended up soiling myself before I would have made the decision what to do.  My body wasn’t going to wait much longer.)  Then Kiki jumped up and ran out of the room…..”Yes, Stuart is here.  Whew….”

So I was saved the humiliation of soiling myself, or the possibility of injuring my back more from trying to get to the bathroom by myself…..or injuring myself any number of other ways.  *sigh*

The vertigo won’t go away.   It slows way down….right now I feel like I’m on a boat with the constant rocking, and if I move, it gets MUCH worse.  I will have full blown spins on and off.

I had an appointment scheduled at Duke tomorrow with my ear doc to get his opinion about all of this, now I can’t ride in the car for that long.  We rescheduled it for…I think Stuart said a week or so out.  I have increased the steroids and am hoping I can get this under control enough by then so I can ride in the car to get there.    What can he do?   I have no idea.   What is causing this?  I have no idea.  I thought I had an idea, but now, nope.   Where do I go from here?   if my trip to Duke comes up with nothing….I don’t know.   One step at a time.

I can’t control what happens in the future, but that doesn’t mean I can just sit around and not do anything.  I have to consider Stuart’s job.  His boss has been so very understanding, but this is above and beyond what we ever thought he would have to be doing.  First I injure my back and now this?   I’m afraid he is being understanding on the outside and not so much on the inside?  Stuart is getting his work done.  He works the hours, just often not normal hours.  Today he is now working at home.   He is going to talk to his boss again about this to ease my mind.  He likes this job, I do not want to jeopardize it because of me.  But I do not know how to take care of me during the attacks by myself.  If they are short, fine.  But when I can’t walk all day long because of it?  How do I go to the bathroom?  Get water?  food?  We can’t afford to get me a helper, and who would know when I’d need one?  (I’m spouting off out loud here, I’m not looking for answers…..just where my mind is right now.)

The guilt about this eats me up.  It is crazy to feel so guilty about being sick.  I didn’t do it.  I have no control over it.  Yet, this is the one thing I find the hardest to deal with….guilt.   I am so very sorry to be such a burden.  At times I will feel like I am past this, but then things like this happen and how can I not feel like a burden.  How can I not feel guilty?  How can I not feel that I am causing so much trouble for my husband?   Believe me I could give a list here of a lot of things that need to be done, that he needs for himself…..ect…..that are neglected because of me….because I’m sick.   Guilt much??   I’m working on being much more gentle with myself, non judgmental….I’m better than I used to be, but really, I don’t know if I’ll ever get rid of all of the guilt.  It’s a work in progress.  I can say it is much better than it used to be.  I don’t hate myself, and I don’t think of myself as a complete failure.  Those used to be huge thoughts that ran through my mind.  Those are thoughts that I hear from many people who are chronically ill and have lost so much of their independence.  That’s a sad thing isn’t it?   Ah…things I’ve been thinking about…..I’m doing really well with much of this stuff.  I really do like me.  I try my best to be a good person and I think that’s pretty darn important.  It’s just that my body often needs help, and I feel guilty about that.  Perhaps, if my husband had help it would be easier.  …..eh…..going in circles there aren’t I?

No…this isn’t the post I planned to write.   It isn’t well thought out.  It isn’t illustrated.  It doesn’t give a good account of what has happened.  It’s just me.  Telling you a little bit how it is now.  In this world of mine.   would I change things in my world today.   yeah, can’t say I wouldn’t.   Do I still love my life….most of it yeah.  This vertigo stuff can hit the highway though…..but I will accept it.  I have to.

This is just how things are right now.  Just right now.  they were different a moment ago…they will be different in a moment.

I’m actually much calmer about things and I’m dealing mentally with things better….yeah I know it doesn’t sound like it….but really I am (probably won’t be when the steroids start kicking in full force again, but hey, at least I’ll know it is the steroids, right?  this last round made me a bit crazy….I do not know what if feels like for a “normal” person to be on a high dose of steroids, but it makes me feel like my bipolar medications aren’t working, however, you sit there and think….is it the steroids or do I really feel like this?  ugh!)

It has taken me all day to write this.

I hope it makes some sense.

I’m going to try to write more often.  I need to keep up with what is happening to me.  So these posts coming up may be up and down or start to sound the same or something….but I really need to just write about what I am going through….

hope you don’t mind….

I might just need someone to listen.