Writing has been harder than normal. I think about it every day, things I want to post about that aren’t about me, then something happens in my life and, well, I just haven’t been able to get it together enough to write informative posts, I haven’t been able to write much of anything except in my gratitude journal and migraine diary. So here’s another post all about what’s going on what me, it’s a big change from a couple of months ago.
Depression ~ As you may recall, the Spravato treatments were doing amazingly well at treating my depression and migraines (depression was gone, and migraines were cut almost in half), then we cut the dose and I didn’t respond as well, so we increased it again a couple of weeks ago. My response to the increase hasn’t been as expected. I’m not feeling better. My depression isn’t as bad as it was before starting treatment, I still think I’m handling things remarkably well considering how much has been thrown at me recently, but I can’t lie and say I feel like I did. The depression isn’t gone, but it’s not all consuming, I’m very grateful for that. Unfortunately, my migraines have not responded to the treatment at all. They have increased back to almost daily, and the intensity has increased too. Most people would say, no wonder I’m more depressed, but as I noticed before, sadness and depression are different. Could this tip me into depression, or should I just be sad? Should this medication still be working as well as it was, or should I be feeling this little bit of depression? I don’t know.
Bad Trip ~ It may not matter anyway. I had a treatment on Tuesday and I had a bad reaction, or I guess you could say I had a bad “trip”. I haven’t dissociated during a treatment before. Normally, I only feel a bit drunk/high, in the first 15 minutes or so I can feel a bit more intense but I normally just go with it, I’ll relax and meditate, or I’ll giggle with Stuart, or I might even try to read, it all depends on how it makes me feel, but I always know where I am and what I’m doing and I’ve never felt bad. This last treatment was totally different! Within the first few minutes I started feeling hot. I was dizzy. I didn’t want to be touched. I felt sick. Things started to go weird. I told Stuart I was never doing this again. Suddenly I wasn’t in the room we were in. It is very hard to explain, and I can’t remember it all. I always knew Stuart was there but he didn’t always look like Stuart. I kept telling him I was dead. I wasn’t afraid of that, it was just a fact. It was the only way my mind could explain why things were do different. He asked if I was dead then how was he there, but I just kept telling him, “I’m dead”. Then I started throwing up. I knew I threw up, but I don’t remember the first time. Things started to come back and I was in the room again. I was lying on the couch and Stuart was sitting on the floor next to me, holding me and taking care of me. We kept telling each other how much we love each other during this whole thing. I always knew he would be there. It took a long time for me to totally recover. When I went home I was still very nauseous and felt awful. Stuart said I was having nystagmus during it, and I was having severe disequilibrum for a while, so we are wondering if I was having a Meniere’s attack at the same time. The way my body felt recovering was about the same, but no one knows. My doctor decided I should take a week off from treatments, so I go back on Tuesday. I’d lie if I said I’m not nervous.
PTSD ~ I fell last week. I was walking across my living room on my way out, kind of rushing, and tripped. BAM! I went down hard! We have tile floors, where I fell there is a rug, but there is no padding. It hurt so bad I thought I might have shattered my knee cap, and the pain in my artificial hip scared me, but all I did was scrape my knee really bad and I have a few bruises that are still coming up. I think the pain was increased by the fear that what happened last time Stuart was laid off was going to happen again. Last time I hurt my hip and it didn’t get better and that’s when we found out I had avascular necrosis. I ended up barely being able to walk for months before my hip replacement. Anyway, the PTSD from all that just spiraled. I was back there. I’m okay about it now, and my knee is healing. I’m being gentle with myself.
Migraines ~ When I had my virtual visit with my migraine doctor in early May I was increasing the Spravato again and thought I was doing pretty well. I don’t have a rescue medication that is working, so she gave me one of the new rescues, Ubrelvy, to try. I didn’t respond to it. I sent her a detailed message about things, and she said I need another visit. First appointment I could be squeezed into is on July 17th. So that means I go until then with NO rescue medication. I do have this new device called Nerivio, (that I planned on posting about), that is helping, but you can only use it 12 times a month and you have to catch the migraine within 30 minutes or it does not work. I’m having a lot more than 12 migraines a month, and sometimes it’s hard to tell when my migraines actually start since I have a chronic daily headache. I have gotten so used to living with that pain that I try hard to ignore it. On good days my baseline is around a 3, but recently it’s around a 5, so it’s hard to tell if that 5 is migraine starting or my baseline. I can only tell when my light and sound sensitivity gets worse, or I get nauseous…or have many of the other symptoms. If I have an aura, I can catch it, but that doesn’t happen all that often. I’m really hate that there are so few headache specialist that you can’t get in to see them when you really need it. As much as I’m thrilled that there have been a new class of migraine medications released recently, I hate there are still so few options out there. Oops, I started to jump on my soap box, hopefully I will be able to write a whole post for that! hahaha
Just Stuff~ I’m still staying home even though my state has pretty much opened up. I still go over and visit my neighbor on her patio at a safe distance. We do have dinner with Stuart’s dad once a week, I go when I’m able, always keeping social distancing. (Stuart sees him more often) We plan to do ribs and the fixin’s tomorrow. I hope I can go, or Stuart and Dad will have a lot of food. I’ve actually increased my precautions since they opened up the state, there is way too much going around. We did go for a drive through the Saguaro National Forest, that was beautiful.
What’s new with you? I’d really like to know.