A Rough Patch

Writing has been harder than normal. I think about it every day, things I want to post about that aren’t about me, then something happens in my life and, well, I just haven’t been able to get it together enough to write informative posts, I haven’t been able to write much of anything except in my gratitude journal and migraine diary. So here’s another post all about what’s going on what me, it’s a big change from a couple of months ago.

Depression ~ As you may recall, the Spravato treatments were doing amazingly well at treating my depression and migraines (depression was gone, and migraines were cut almost in half), then we cut the dose and I didn’t respond as well, so we increased it again a couple of weeks ago. My response to the increase hasn’t been as expected. I’m not feeling better. My depression isn’t as bad as it was before starting treatment, I still think I’m handling things remarkably well considering how much has been thrown at me recently, but I can’t lie and say I feel like I did. The depression isn’t gone, but it’s not all consuming, I’m very grateful for that. Unfortunately, my migraines have not responded to the treatment at all. They have increased back to almost daily, and the intensity has increased too. Most people would say, no wonder I’m more depressed, but as I noticed before, sadness and depression are different. Could this tip me into depression, or should I just be sad? Should this medication still be working as well as it was, or should I be feeling this little bit of depression? I don’t know.

Bad Trip ~ It may not matter anyway. I had a treatment on Tuesday and I had a bad reaction, or I guess you could say I had a bad “trip”. I haven’t dissociated during a treatment before. Normally, I only feel a bit drunk/high, in the first 15 minutes or so I can feel a bit more intense but I normally just go with it, I’ll relax and meditate, or I’ll giggle with Stuart, or I might even try to read, it all depends on how it makes me feel, but I always know where I am and what I’m doing and I’ve never felt bad. This last treatment was totally different! Within the first few minutes I started feeling hot. I was dizzy. I didn’t want to be touched. I felt sick. Things started to go weird. I told Stuart I was never doing this again. Suddenly I wasn’t in the room we were in. It is very hard to explain, and I can’t remember it all. I always knew Stuart was there but he didn’t always look like Stuart. I kept telling him I was dead. I wasn’t afraid of that, it was just a fact. It was the only way my mind could explain why things were do different. He asked if I was dead then how was he there, but I just kept telling him, “I’m dead”. Then I started throwing up. I knew I threw up, but I don’t remember the first time. Things started to come back and I was in the room again. I was lying on the couch and Stuart was sitting on the floor next to me, holding me and taking care of me. We kept telling each other how much we love each other during this whole thing. I always knew he would be there. It took a long time for me to totally recover. When I went home I was still very nauseous and felt awful. Stuart said I was having nystagmus during it, and I was having severe disequilibrum for a while, so we are wondering if I was having a Meniere’s attack at the same time. The way my body felt recovering was about the same, but no one knows. My doctor decided I should take a week off from treatments, so I go back on Tuesday. I’d lie if I said I’m not nervous.

PTSD ~ I fell last week. I was walking across my living room on my way out, kind of rushing, and tripped. BAM! I went down hard! We have tile floors, where I fell there is a rug, but there is no padding. It hurt so bad I thought I might have shattered my knee cap, and the pain in my artificial hip scared me, but all I did was scrape my knee really bad and I have a few bruises that are still coming up. I think the pain was increased by the fear that what happened last time Stuart was laid off was going to happen again. Last time I hurt my hip and it didn’t get better and that’s when we found out I had avascular necrosis. I ended up barely being able to walk for months before my hip replacement. Anyway, the PTSD from all that just spiraled. I was back there. I’m okay about it now, and my knee is healing. I’m being gentle with myself.

Migraines ~ When I had my virtual visit with my migraine doctor in early May I was increasing the Spravato again and thought I was doing pretty well. I don’t have a rescue medication that is working, so she gave me one of the new rescues, Ubrelvy, to try. I didn’t respond to it. I sent her a detailed message about things, and she said I need another visit. First appointment I could be squeezed into is on July 17th. So that means I go until then with NO rescue medication. I do have this new device called Nerivio, (that I planned on posting about), that is helping, but you can only use it 12 times a month and you have to catch the migraine within 30 minutes or it does not work. I’m having a lot more than 12 migraines a month, and sometimes it’s hard to tell when my migraines actually start since I have a chronic daily headache. I have gotten so used to living with that pain that I try hard to ignore it. On good days my baseline is around a 3, but recently it’s around a 5, so it’s hard to tell if that 5 is migraine starting or my baseline. I can only tell when my light and sound sensitivity gets worse, or I get nauseous…or have many of the other symptoms. If I have an aura, I can catch it, but that doesn’t happen all that often. I’m really hate that there are so few headache specialist that you can’t get in to see them when you really need it. As much as I’m thrilled that there have been a new class of migraine medications released recently, I hate there are still so few options out there. Oops, I started to jump on my soap box, hopefully I will be able to write a whole post for that! hahaha

Just Stuff~ I’m still staying home even though my state has pretty much opened up. I still go over and visit my neighbor on her patio at a safe distance. We do have dinner with Stuart’s dad once a week, I go when I’m able, always keeping social distancing. (Stuart sees him more often) We plan to do ribs and the fixin’s tomorrow. I hope I can go, or Stuart and Dad will have a lot of food. I’ve actually increased my precautions since they opened up the state, there is way too much going around. We did go for a drive through the Saguaro National Forest, that was beautiful.

Saguaro cactus blooming Spring 2020, East Saguaro National Forest, Tucson, AZ (unfiltered)

What’s new with you? I’d really like to know.


21 thoughts on “A Rough Patch

  1. Holding you tightly in my heart. I’m doing okay despite flare ups. A lot has to do with being home too much and I’m normally reclusive. Planning on a car ride to just soak in some life but masking in public. It’s too loose since they pulled back on restrictions.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Lisa.
      I’m sorry you’ve been having flares.
      I hope a nice scenic ride will lift your spirits some. Hopefully you and your sweetie can have a picnic and just get out for a bit.
      The lifting of restrictions is nerve wracking.
      Stay safe, stay healthy, and have some fun

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s hard to grasp that all that you experience is happening in just one body. You are an inspiration since I’m not sure how many people, including me, could cope with all the pain and uncertainty.

    sending love,

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw Judy, I’m no inspiration. I have a good guy in my corner, that helps a lot. When you’re in the midst of it you don’t really realize how much you’re going through. When all this is over and I look back on it I might then think, Wow! Right now I’m just tired. 🤪

      love and hugs

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You are a warrior princess. Wish you didn’t have to be wielding your sword and shield in daily battles.
    Wishing you respite, hope, and calm during the COVID and other storms.


  4. I’m glad you are doing what you can for self-care and precautions. I just want your different treatments to work for you.

    Not much new with me. I’m dealing with it all by listening to music and daydreaming. Though, I do have a new hobby of buying ebooks on sale and not reading most of them. Concentration levels aren’t that high for me right now. But, doing my bit for the economy. 😁 And we went to Walmart. Saddened by all the people who weren’t wearing masks. Some staff were, others weren’t. Spoiled by our grocery and health food stores who are taking it much more seriously, but don’t know how much is due to availability of masks and gloves on that day. Only checking out the news to have a general idea of what is going on so I don’t feel overwhelmed by it all. Practising self-care.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. Crossing fingers, it’ll start working again, if not, ah well, maybe something else will. The depression is better, I’m counting that as a win still. 😊.

      I am shocked at how many people are out without masks! And there are a LOT of homemade masks here, plus they could at least use scarves or something to show they are trying. Let’s be honest, the masks will stop you from spreading to others more than it will prevent you from catching it, so everyone should wear one out of Civic duty! People who don’t should be fined! (Unless you can’t wear one for a medical reason). No, I would not be popular here if I were a public official. 🙄
      I would be doing my bit for the economy if Stuart hadn’t been laid off, I have the shopping bug! But I have to behave!! Damn!
      My concentration sucks lately!! A big reason I haven’t been writing, or reading, much.
      I just feel malaise.
      Self care…good advice.
      Take care of you.
      Love you my friend.


  5. That’s so odd with the Spravato, you would have thought going back to the original dose after cutting it would have reverted to the same initial effect… I’m so sorry it hasn’t gone as expected. While it’s good it has helped the depression side of things a little, dealing with those chronic migraines won’t do you any favours, so I do empathise there.

    The trip sounds awful. A break from treatment could be a good idea – I wonder whether your body will take some weird recalibration from it and the treatment will work as it first did? Wishful thinking maybe, but here’s to hoping..!

    Saguaro National Forest, that sounds like a lovely place to visit, especially when having to be cooped up in recent months. Restrictions are being lifted here in the UK too but it worries me a lot. Nothing has really changed; the virus is still there, the treat is pretty much as it was. Stay home as much as you can, best way to stay safe through it all.

    I really, really hope you can have a week ahead of less migraines, no falls.. a week where you’re kind to yourself and where you rest.

    Sending love,
    Caz xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Caz. It’s lovely to see you here. But I told you to not worry about coming by here! You have enough on your plate right now! I love you, you amazing woman.

      My last treatment went well.
      I’m feeling less migraine pain maybe, but vertigo has been bad this week.
      Have another treatment tomorrow. If I’m still having vertigo I’m not doing it.
      I really think that’s what happened.
      And I think the vertigo is possibly from extreme allergies this year.
      I just haven’t found anything to help with them.

      Yes, I’m staying in. Even though one of my favorite stores is going out of business😭 and I want to go to the closeout sale. 😂🤣

      Love and hugs
      Wen xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I wish I could offer some great piece of advice on the vertigo, not that you asked for it but I want to help… sadly I’m totally useless! I just hope it can ease off, especially as you want to get the next treatment. Are the allergies under control at the moment? Nothing else that may be making the vertigo worse and keeping it going for so long? That must be awful. But, it is good if there’s a possibility the migraines have been helped, even just a little, by the treatment. Fingers crossed anyway..!

        Too many businesses are going to go pop now or the near future because of the coronavirus pandemic, it’s so sad. I’m sorry one of your favourites are going to be closing down. Could you call them up and say what a big fan you are, ask them to do some kind of virtual tour around the shop – you can pick out what you want and pay them to post it to you. Tell them you’re a blogger and you’ll give them a special thanks on your blog 😉 I don’t know how you’re managing with getting out safely at the moment when well enough to (I’d still say STAY HOME, It’s too dangerous, but we all know it’s not always possible because we still need to get stuff if we don’t have any help). Maybe you can sneak to the shop at the start or close of business when it’s quieter..? xx

        Liked by 1 person

        1. You are a love. Vertigo is vertigo, it does what it wants I think. I’m tired of trying to figure it all out I just deal with it as it comes. It’s a helluva lot better than it used to be, so I’m grateful.
          Had a treatment today, all was good 👍

          It’s just Macy’s in the closet mall here, makes me sad, but they’ve been struggling a long time. I hope my local stores can survive.
          I’m literally not going out except for my treatments, and my therapist. I’m the only patient she sees in person, because of my hearing loss, and we sit over 6 feet apart. She also stays home unless necessary.
          I’m a little stir crazy, but not too bad.
          I’m so ready to just go somewhere, and it’s too HOT here to do anything outside. 🏜️

          Liked by 1 person

  6. Wendy, oh goodness, I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been going through (at the clinic and the fall especially). I hope you aren’t hurting badly from falling. I’m glad you have Stuart, and he has you.

    I’m happy to see the WP friends sending their kind regards and support.

    What a beautiful photo of the ant! And, the cactus – how enormous is that?! Lol. This British woman is jealous of your beautiful cacti and succulents.

    Love to you and keep strong my friend xox


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