Month: May 2016

My Story – Being Bipolar

On By WendyIn Bipolar, Chronic Illness, Health Care, Mental Health3 Comments

wendy hairOn this the last day of Mental Health Awareness Month I’ve decided to tell a little about me.  I have a story.  I feel it needs to be told.  If for no one else, this is for me.  (This is the very condensed  PG version.)

Something was wrong.  I didn’t know what it was, but I was wrong.  I was wrong inside.  I didn’t react to things the way other people did.   I knew it.  I could see how other people were different.  I was always told to be myself.  But I just wanted to be like everyone else, I didn’t understand what it meant be  “myself”.  I spent days in tears feeling like I had this black cloud over me.  At a very young age I longed for my life to end.   Other days I was flying high.  I could not control my thoughts from going everywhere, I could not control my actions, I could only follow them.  This wall all considered a natural part of growing up.  I was just a moody child, then a hormonal pre-teen, a troubled teen….  I look back and don’t know how I, or the people closest to me, survived.  There are many stories from this time that are very hard to tell.  They may come out at a different time.

My ups and downs carried on for years, and years, and years…. the older I got the worse it was.  After all when you get older your actions have many more consequences.  However, when the moods were swinging to either end, those consequences simply didn’t exist in my mind.   On the down swings I was fighting for my life, literally.  On the up swings I couldn’t rationalize things.  I couldn’t see beyond the emotions.

After a failed suicide attempt at 25, I finally started getting some mental health treatment.  I was told I suffered from Manic Depression, and was put on Lithium and an antidepressant and started seeing a therapist.  Maybe if I had just been able to stay the course that I was originally put on life would have been different, but things changed.

I was re-diagnosed a number of times.  Things changed so much over the next few years it was a constant battle of up and down trying so hard to get a grasp on reality.  The biggest mistake that was made, I was told that I did not have a mental illness, I had hypoglycemia and the fluctuating blood sugar levels were causing my mood swings. I was so relieved that I didn’t have a mental illness.  I was normal like everyone else.  I simply had to watch my diet and everything would be alright. I believed this for years and tried so hard to control everything with my diet.  If things got out of control, I would beat myself up for not following my diet strictly enough.

People couldn’t see just how bad I was because I was still able to hold down a job, even if I changed jobs frequently, I seemed normal, I was just “moody”.  I went through friends like water.  Friends I made when I was manic, couldn’t stand the depressive side, and friends I made when I was depressed, didn’t understand the up me.  Friends I made when I was in my normal state couldn’t understand my swings and they simply disappeared.

I had a job, but I also had a lot of debt.  I lost days.  There are huge gaps in my memory.  I’ve met people while I was in a normal state and had no recollection of meeting them before.  I didn’t remember men I obviously knew very well.  I did drugs.  I stayed up for days.  Risky behavior?  There were no thoughts of the risk.  Nothing could hurt me.  And if it did, so what?  In both states there was not much thought about my own safety.

Then the day came when the depression took hold so tightly I held a razor to my wrist and started to slice.  I just made the most cursory of cuts, deciding exactly the way I should do this, how deep did I have to go, how much would it hurt, how long would it take….then suddenly I thought….The Mess.  There will be such a mess and my roommate will find it. Someone will have to clean up the mess.  That thought saved my life.  That thought gave me enough pause to call a suicide hotline.  I would not tell them where I lived but I promised to go to the out patient center of the mental health department and talk.  I drove there, and when I got there I talked and told what happened that night.  I could not promise I would not harm myself if I left.  I honestly don’t know if I could have or not, but I knew I needed someone to help me.  I needed to know for sure that I could get through the next day.  I knew if I said I would not be a threat to myself or others then I would not get the help I desperately needed.

Since I was not able to say I would not harm myself I was not allowed to leave, I was told I as going to be admitted to a mental health facility.  I admit I actually felt a relief.  I suddenly felt safe, at least for the night.

The police came and took me to the hospital.  I was entered as a non-voluntary admission.  That is the only way my insurance would pay for this, but I had insurance now, this was what got me into this facility instead of the state hospital.  I had no idea the amount of debt I was about to get into.  I needed help, that is all I thought about.  I no longer cared what people thought of me, I no longer cared if this would follow me forever, I only wanted to lie down and never wake up.  I knew these thoughts had to stop, I knew if something didn’t change I would end my life, soon.

(If you would like to know more about my stay in the mental hospital please see my post: Inequality in the Mental Health System.)  The stay in the mental hospital changed my life forever.  I was there longer than I thought I would be.  The little overnight stay turned into two weeks,  but when I left I was in the mental health care system.  I had group sessions set up, I had an appointment with a new psychiatrist and therapist.  I had a new lease on life.  With another wrong diagnosis, Borderline Personality Disorder.

Soon after starting to see my new psychiatrist it was then determined that I do indeed have Bipolar I disorder.  I started being treated with Lithium and other medications again and things finally started to get on track.

It took some time to get the medication just right.  It took a lot of time in therapy.  It takes a lot of work to get things right and get better.  It takes a lot of work to keep struggling through the system.  It takes a lot of work to help yourself when there doesn’t seem to be an out.

I’m a lucky one.  I was able to find help.  I was able to get a correct diagnosis.  I was able to get a treatment plant that worked.  I’m still able to get the help I need, when I need it.  So may people are not as lucky as I am.

There are many obstacles in getting mental health care.  I fought hard to get where I am today.  I still fight hard to ensure my mental health is a priority.  I will never give up.

Too many people are fighting for mental health care and have so many obstacles in their way.  If you are one of these people, please don’t give up.  Reach out. In my experience, things don’t always go smoothly, but getting help meant my life is so much better than my life was before.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline    If you are in crisis please call.  1-800-273-TALK (8255)

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

Mental Health Alliance (This site has a lot of useful information, including help getting care without health insurance.)
National Institute of Mental Health
Seeking Mental Health Care: Taking the First, Scary Step (this is a very useful article from Psych Central)

Mental Health Care Awareness Month is closing, but we should always be aware and working to obtain equal and affordable mental health care for everyone without stigma.

 

 

The Last Straw

On By WendyIn Chronic IllnessLeave a comment

I don’t often reblog other posts, but I think this is a very timely post that will hopefully reach some people who need this right now. Yes, I’m one of them.

hearingelmo's avatarHearing Elmo

last straw

The Last Straw (that broke the camel’s back): The final, additional, small burden that makes the entirety of one’s difficulties unbearable.

Isn’t it interesting that there are so many idioms and colloquial expressions that mean “I’m done”?

The straw that broke the camel’s back (1816)

The last feather breaks the horses back (1829)

The final straw

Hitting a brick wall

Hanging up one’s gloves

The final stroke

I’m sure there are others. I’ve had a heck of a month. No worries – I actually thrive under (some) pressure. However, once in a while each one of us is simply not going to be able to take ONE MORE THING. That ONE MORE THING is often inconsequential and “small” in the grand scheme of things. Perhaps that is why we are so frustrated for breaking under what seems like a “small” thing.

This morning I was stepping off the porch when…

View original post 956 more words

Depression, it’s not just being sad.

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Mental Health2 Comments

Recently someone asked me to write a post on what I felt depression was like.  Funny thing, I had just read a post over at Bipolar BarbieQ that included that very thing, I think everyone could get a lot from her post I’m the Queen of Run-on’s it is an honest gut wrenching post and I wish all of you would read it.  (yes this is the second time I’ve shared this post, I really like it.)  She also had this really cool graph in her post, so I’m going to steal it.

depression graph

 

Most people think that Depression means you are Sad.  Even Webster’s Thesaurus will say that Depression and Sadness are synonyms.  Well yeah, you are sad when you are depressed, but there is so much more, so very much more.

When someone says they are depressed, that means they are sad, when someone says they have depression, this is a mental illness.  When you look up the definition of Depression you get both answers, “(1) :  a state of feeling sad :  (2) :  a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies” (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

I think feelings of Depression can vary from person to person.  Profound Depression is all-consuming.  You don’t just feel sad, it consumes you.  You have difficulty doing anything else because your feelings are so torn up.  It spirals down to the depths of your soul and you are trying your best to claw your way out.  Depression can also have states of severe anxiety mixed in, feelings of paranoia, feelings of suicide.  When you are just sad, you don’t have all of these other emotions consuming you.  With depression you often just feel numb most of the time. Nothing can bring you out of that darkness.  You find joy in absolutely nothing.

The definition above mentions “difficulty in thinking and concentration”…yes we can click that off my list.  “A significant increase or decrease in appetite”…oh I eat, I want comfort food, or anything that might make it in my mouth sometimes. I’ve actually envied people who lose their appetite when they are depressed.  “Time spent sleeping”…now this one is tricky.  Sometimes I sleep a lot, sometimes I can’t sleep at all.  Normally, I have a very hard time sleeping when I’m very depressed. “Feelings of dejection and hopelessness”  YES!  That is the overwhelming feeling that I have, HOPELESSNESS.  “Sometimes suicidal tendencies”..this depends on just how deep my depression gets.  Normally I am not suicidal but I’ll wish I wouldn’t wake up.  I’m just so tired and hopeless, I don’t want to have to deal with it anymore.

Something they don’t mention, I cry, a lot.  I’m an emotional person anyway, but when I’m depressed I cry every day, many times a day.  Not just a few tears, I sob.

There are other feelings that get all mixed up when I feel depressed.  I feel very guilty. What right to I have to feel depressed when there are so many tragedies in the world?  What am I putting my husband and friends through when I’m like this?  Why does it keep coming back, it must be me?

I get angry.  Angry at me, angry at everything.  I try not to speak to people because the thoughts in my mind are so snide.  Why can’t they get it?  Why can’t they do things the way they should?  Yes, in my mind everything needs to go the way I think it should, then I’d be happier.  I want to control, everything.  I think that’s because I feel so out of control.  I lash out.  Some of this must be someone else’s fault, if I can find out who then I will have to feel better.  I feel so alone. I try to isolate myself from other people so I won’t hurt them, even though being alone is the worst thing I could do.  I never said I was being logical.

When depression takes hold of me I used to believe it would never end.  Now I know it will and that helps me get through it. It makes me seek help.  I keep telling myself, “This will end.  This will end.”

I do not just have Clinical Depression, I have Bipolar I disorder.  That means that, unless I’m stable, I will have severe manic states and depressive states.  As I said, I used to think when I was depressed that nothing could pull me out of it, but then I’d be okay for a while and couldn’t believe I ever thought that way.  Then I’d go manic and think that nothing could harm me.  After a manic swing, I couldn’t believe I ever felt that way.  I’m lucky that I’ve been mostly stable for a long time now.  I will have break through depression sometimes and need my medication adjusted.  My new psychiatrist told me that often when people get older they have fewer manic swings but battle depression more.  That’s why he prescribed a drug that is for Bipolar Depression, and it seems to be working well.

If you are having any symptoms of depression please seek out professional help.  It doesn’t just go away.  Psych Central lists the first steps to getting help, and a list of professionals in your area.  You can find this information here.  Where To Get Help For Depression.

If you are having suicidal thoughts please call

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1 (800) 273-8255

 

If it’s wrong, then it’s wrong

On By WendyIn Bipolar, Chronic Illness, Mental Health6 Comments

May is National Mental Health Awareness Month.  This year the National Alliance of Mental Illness (NAMI) is asking everyone to take the pledge to stop the stigma surrounding Mental Illness.  You can do that officially here: Stigma Free. (#stigmafree)

stand-up-logo-hi-res-300x200

I think the stigma around mental illness has gotten better over the years, but there is a long way to go.  I saw this great article talking about phrases you shouldn’t say, I think it’s worth the check out.  9 Phrases You Shouldn’t Say During Mental Health Awareness Month.

Here, I want to talk about how differently we treat and think about people with mental illness compared to other illnesses.  For example cancer.  Why cancer?  Because you’d never make fun of someone who has it, you’d never blame them for having it, if the treatment doesn’t work you’d never say they aren’t doing enough, and you’d treat them with respect and compassion.   It is wrong to treat a person with a mental illness differently than you would treat a person with cancer.

A few facts you may not know.

Approximately 1 in 5 adults in the U.S.—43.8 million, or 18.5%—experiences mental illness in a given year. (Oct. 23, 2015)  – See more at:on the NAMI site.  Learn More Mental Health by the Numbers. 

 

Think about that, when you meet 5 people, chances are one of them has a diagnosable mental illness.  That’s huge!

There are many reasons someone may not get help, one of them is the stigma behind mental illness.  Because of the stigma, they are afraid of how people may react, they are afraid they may lose their jobs, respect from others….   This barrier for treatment has to stop.  People cannot feel embarrassed to go for help.  They cannot be made to feel they need to tough it out, to pull themselves together, to stop being so dramatic…..  We need to acknowledge when someone is having difficulty and let them know you support them.  We must also realize that, just like people with cancer, people with a mental illness may not realize it, they may be afraid of the diagnosis, they may not want to face it…  If we noticed someone we care about feeling or looking sick a lot we would encourage them to see a doctor.   We need to do the same when we see someone who we care about struggling with mental illness.  We need to let everyone know they are cared about and supported.

There are many reasons why people do not get help that have nothing to do with not wanting it or searching for it.  Often people  do not get the care they need because they simply can’t get it.  They don’t have insurance.  They can’t afford it, even with their insurance.  (there are a lot of barriers within the insurance system that keep people from having access to health care, I could write a whole post on just this crisis).  We often think there are public places people can go, “the mental health system will help”.  This is far from true.  There are a lot of hoops one has to go through to get be seen by someone in the system.  Often someone with a mental health issue gets way too overwhelmed to be able to do all of this.  Even when someone is in dire need of help they often have to wait months to see a professional through the mental health system.  Unless a person is “a threat to themselves or others”, it is almost impossible to get in to the mental health system in a timely manner.

These barriers are signs of stigma within the system.  Many people need and want help, but can’t get it because of the barriers.  We have to break down these barriers.  We must break down the stigma that people with mental health deserve less then people who have any other type of illness.

Please take the time to take the pledge to stay Stigma Free.

Read more about Mental Health Awareness Month and find more ways to contribute through the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI).

 

Blog Posts I’d like to Share

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness5 Comments

Ok, so I planned to enter more posts I’ve read that made an impact on me, but if you’ve read my last post you know I’ve been going through a mess.  I started this post before I started having the run on vertigo, and I really wanted to make sure everyone saw these wonderful posts.  There is a lot of good information out there and I’m ever so eager to share some of the things I’m learning.  (BTW, I’m feeling much better!!)

Recently I’ve been reading some really great posts and articles on-line and I’d really like to share a few.  I wish I’d written some of this great information.  So please take the time to read:

Markovich Photo Art
Markovich Photo Art

From ADD and So Much More, Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, CMC, MCC, SCAC takes on the subject of Loneliness ins a must read 3 part series:  Part 1 – The Importance of Community to Health  Part 2. –  Sliding Into Loneliness  Part 3  – When you’re longing for Connection

On Living with Hearing Loss, Shari Eberts asks the question Why is it Still OK to Make Fun of Hearing Loss?  If you have hearing loss, know someone who has hearing loss, or simply want understand the hearing loss world, you should check out this blog post and much of Shari’s blog.

Bipolar Barbie-Q takes on how it feels when you are in the throws of depression.  (this is a subject I plan to cover soon myself, but you need to read her post, it’s raw, and full of passion, and will give you a great understanding on how complicated depression is.  I’m the Queen of Run-On’s.

 

I hope you have a good read today.

 

 

 

Roller Coaster —– Down

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, vertigo11 Comments

I wrote my last post with just joy in my heart and feeling better than I had in as long as I can remember.

Then I crashed.

That evening I had a bout of vertigo, but I would not let it put a damper on my day.  It was a glorious day, and I will hold it in my heart.

But it’s over, at least for now.  Forgive me if this post doesn’t make as much sense as it should, I’m writing it as I watch the screen dance before my eyes.  This is incredibly difficult, but I felt the need to tell everyone I’m not doing that well and I wanted to talk about it.

For nearly 3 days now I’ve had vertigo almost constantly.   It may be slow at times where I just barely see the world moving, other times I can still handle it, it’s very hard to focus on anything and I can’t hear very well.  Then I have times like I did last night.  I was so sick.  I didn’t sleep until 4am.  I fought then nausea and vomiting.  I had severe stomach cramps and feel like I threw up all night, but I’m happy to say I didn’t.  (thank you to all my medications, and my darling husband who stayed by my side and chanted with me for hours).

I’m amazed at how much this has changed over the years.  When I first started getting vertigo, and when it only came around a few times a year, I would have been throwing up for most of the last 3 days.  I think the biggest thing that has changed is that I rarely freak out from it now.  I don’t fight it.  I know what’s happening.  I try to just go with the flow.  That doesn’t mean I don’t panic and that it doesn’t get to me, after a few hours I’m freaking out a bit.  What if it never ends.

This makes me not want to live.   I’m stuck in this chair, I can’t walk by myself, I can’t even use my walker most of the time without falling.  Stuart and I have to walk in tandem to take me to the bathroom.  I have my head on his chest and he walks backward to get me there.  This is not a life.

I can’t communicate well.  I can barely understand anything that is being said.  I can’t focus on anything most of the time.  Literally, right now I am typing on a computer that is swaying on my lap.  If I didn’t type by touch, you wouldn’t be reading this.

Last night I went to sleep hoping to not wake up.  Don’t worry I’m not suicidal, I just want live like this to end. The only way I can see this stopping is to not be here anymore.  The risk with the gentamicin is so scary.  I just don’t know what to do.  Plus finding a doctor who would actually do it, well that’s a whole other thing.

My new doctor has mentioned steroid injections.  I’m not sure it will do anything, but it can’t hurt to try.  If I can hold it together long enough to get it done.  And handle the side effects that are sure to follow for a while.

If I can get through more days like this.  Days where the world spins at what ever speed it wants.  Days where I can do nothing but sit here and wish for it to stop.  Days where the steroids are making me so hungry, but I’m so nauseous at the same time.  Unfortunately, the hunger wins most of the time.  So I guess I’ll sit here and eat and just pray that this there is something that stops this.  Something inside me that can slow this down enough that my eyes and brain aren’t so tired from trying to make sense of it all.

What do I do.  I try to remember that is will not always be this way.  It will end.  I will have some relief.  I have to believe.   I will admit that is my biggest fear, that it will never end.

If you walked in my house right now I’d look perfectly fine, minus the few tears on my face.   I’m sitting in a chair, staring at the computer, the TV is on in the background, hubby is sitting in another chair munching away.  I look like I’m perfectly fine.  But I’m fighting like hell just to hold it together.

This moment.  I can get through this moment.  I know I can.  The next moment isn’t here, things will change.  I know it will.  That is the constant in the universe, everything changes.  I will be in this moment, as crappy as it is, but I know it will change.

Sometimes that isn’t a good thought, I know this change could be worse.  I’m not good with worse right now.

When people who have never had vertigo here me say, I’m having an attack, they have no idea what I’m talking about.  However, I think when those of us who have vertigo mention, we had an attack, or we are having an attack.  We don’t think about how bad it really is, until it is happening to us again.  And we don’t think about how different vertigo can be for different people.  I have found myself thinking, “If you are having an attack, how could you possibly be typing?”  Yet here I am.  When I only had the most horrific vertigo attacks and I heard someone say they had vertigo and it wasn’t like mine, I wondered, “Do they really know what vertigo is like?”  Now, I can’t judge.  I understand.  Vertigo can manifest itself differently.  You can see the world rotate, at different speeds, it doesn’t always have to be so fast that the world is a complete blur, it can mean that the world is slowly rotating, I see things they simply will not be still.  Both are vertigo, I can just handle one better than the other.

Then I’ve found you can have vertigo where you feel you are moving but you don’t see anything moving.  Most people say they feel like they are on a boat or something similar.  I do have this kind of vertigo too, for me this is not as bad at the visual vertigo, for others this could be much more dramatic.  I was rushed to the hospital once because the vertigo made me feel like I was being tossed around the room and I was completely still.  I threw up a lot during that one, unfortunately I don’t think the ambulance attendant got out of the way of that once.  I knew something was wrong, I thought I might be dying.  I remmeber telling Stuart if I died I was happy everyone I love knows it.

When we got to the ER, they couldn’t do anything.  Pumped me full of more of the meds I already have at home and told me that vertigo can make you feel like that.  Inside I freaked out thinking, “I could feel like this again?”  Now I have this recurring vertigo where I’ll suddenly feel like I’ve stepped into an open elevator shaft and I just keep falling.  Stuart will hold me so tight and tell me I’m not falling, but I am.  I know I am.  I see the world rush by, I feel my body dropping.  It has happened once without him here and I thought there was no way I could get through it.   I did.  But I never want to do that alone again.  I never want to do it again at all, but that is kind of unrealistic.

Again, I want to assure everyone I’m not suicidal.  I do believe this will stop.  If it doesn’t there has to be someway that I can learn to live with it.

I didn’t post this when I finished because I started having much worse vertigo and I couldn’t see the publish button anyway.  I might be able to type by touch but I can’t see that dang little cursor.  This morning things are better. I’m still swaying, things are still a tad off, but it’s better.  In this moment.  that’s the only time I can count on.

Why can’t every day be like today?

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease, Migraines8 Comments
Happy colored 10 10
drawing by me.

Today I woke up and said, “I feel great, let’s run around the block!”

Today was my 3rd day being on steroids.  I couldn’t sleep much last night, but I don’t feel it today.  I feel normal.  I feel like a normal person.  The migraines are gone.  The vertigo is gone.  The pain in my neck is much less.  Even the pain in my knee is gone.  Amazing!

I did all of my Vestibular Rehabilitation Therapy exercises without a problem.  I haven’t been able to do them at all for over a week.  Today I can walk without my walker.

I made myself lunch.

I danced in my living room.

I took a long relaxing bath.

I’m tired now or I’d make dinner!!

Why can’t I feel like this every day?  Or more days than not?  Or even some days when I’m not on steroids?

Today has been a very good day.

what a relief.

 

Update 5.10.2016

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease, Migraines11 Comments

bird on handicap sign.jpg

It’s been a while since I’ve written a simple update about me.  Other than the migraine scenario.

What’s going on right this second?  My head hurts!  Yes I’m still fighting migraines.  I’m also having vertigo again, every day for the past week.  Yesterday I had it all day long!  It would go absolutely crazy, then it would slow to just barely moving, then it would go crazy again.  This went on for 12 hours.  I’m starting a regimen of steroids.  I don’t like being on steroids because they think that may be what caused the Avascular Necrosis in my hip, but I’m desperate.  My headache speicalist and my ear doctor both agree that steroids is the best thing to stop this cycle.  So here we go again.

I finished my Vestibular Rehabilitation Therapy.  It was a great experience.  I hope it did a lot of good.  I say hope because I wasn’t having much vertigo when I was going through therapy.  I was amazed at how well I progressed through the exercises.  On the last day, I had a vertigo attack start right there in the exercise room.  All I could do was hold on to Stuart and my therapist and squeak out, “I want to go home.”  A wonderful way to close out an otherwise great experience.  Since that last appointment I haven’t been able to do any of the exercises without falling.  I’m sad and pissed.

I’ve decided not to do the gentimicin injections.  There are so many risk.  When I’m at my worst I will think I don’t care about the risk, I’m willing to try anything, but I just went through a month of very little vertigo.  If I have the gentimicin injections I may never have good days.  I might not be able to learn how to balance without my ears.  And it does nothing to stop the vertigo caused by migraines.  What if most of my vertigo is migraine related?  I would still have vertigo and have to fight having no balance system in my ears.

My new ear doctor is thinking about trying steroid injections in my ears to see if it helps. (one ear at a time) But we will wait until I’m really bad again.  (If things keep up like this past week, we’ll be talking about this fairly soon.)  Steroid injections don’t carry the risk that gentimicin does.  It wears off, so if it works it often has to be repeated every 3 months. Since they think my Menerie’s is autoimmune, this is a good diagnostic tool, and if it makes me feel better, great.  Therefore, this is a good thing to try before deciding on gentimicin.  My new doctor is not a fan of gentimicin, but did not say he wouldn’t rule it out as a very last resort.

I’m sad right now.  Things aren’t going well.  Too many times I feel I’m saying, “I’m having a bad day.”  There have been days I’ve been so angry I felt like I didn’t know myself.  For the first time in a long time, I feel handicapped.  I hope all of this is part of my health not doing well, added stress and maybe menopause.  Not my bipolar medication taking a nose dive.  We’ll have to wait and see.

I have a couple of questions for those of you who have seen a naturopath or holistic doctor; Did seeing one help you?  How did you chose which one to go to?  I’ve been thinking about seeing one to try to get my over all health better, but I have no idea how to figure out who to pick.

As always thank you for supporting and caring about me.

 

Migraine Madness

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease, Migraines, Pain27 Comments
headache guide 1a
My migraines are never under a 6, the average is a 7.5.  10 means you go to the Emergency Room.  Unless I was dying I wouldn’t go to the ER for a migraine.  I do not think they could help, and I do not want to labeled a drug seeker.

This post is personal.  No links to studies to back up what I’m saying.  Nothing more than what is happening to me.

On March 22nd I had a migraine.  Every day since March 27th, except 1, I’ve had a migraine.  Yes, I’ve had a migraine for 43 days out of 44.

This is not a medication rebound headache.  I have not taken medication for more than 15 days in a given month.

Can you imagine the days I haven’t used medication?

When I use medication I have Maxalt, Toradol, Toradol injections, …and well that’s about it for my rescue meds.  I am on others that are supposed to help keep these buggers away, but as you can tell, it isn’t working.

I’ve gone through a DHE protocol of 3 shots for 3 days.  During this time was the day I didn’t have a migraine.  I still had a headache, but it wasn’t a migraine.

Why is this happening to me.  Well I have a guess, but I don’t really know.

After I had my seizures my Neurologist told me that Topamax can cause seizures in some people.  This medication is used to prevent migraines, but it is also used for seizures.  So the thought is that the seizure drug I was on actually caused my seizures. I was on it for a long time before I got seizures, but there was this little hiccup problem with that medication right before I started having seizures that probably caused it to go crazy.  Our mail order pharmacy didn’t fill my prescription on time.  They had a problem with the prescription and didn’t tell anyone.  Things got so crazy I was off of my med for over a week, it may have been close to 2, when I finally got my prescription I just started taking the full dose, I didn’t think about ramping up.

So I ramped down and got off the Topamax and the seizures stopped.  I was off of the Topamax for less than a month when these migraines started.  I normally have about 15 migraines a month, some months a little more.  Very few months have I had less than 15.  I used to think the Topamax didn’t do a lot to prevent my migraines, now I am pretty sure it did.  Right now I’m so ready to go back on this drug.  If I have a seizure I’ll stop it.  (I wouldn’t say this if the seizures had been hurting me, but from all the tests, the only harm they cause if the twisting of my body.)  Unfortunately, I kinda doubt my doctor will be willing to take this risk.  Maybe there will be something better.

Today my neurologist called in another medication for me.  I’m to have 2 more DHE shots and take this new medication right before I go to bed for 3 days.  (I’m sorry I don’t remember what the medication is, I’ll find out when Stuart gets home with it.)

If this new medicine regimen doesn’t work I don’t know what the doctor will do.   I’m lucky that my neurologist specializes in headaches.  She actually runs a Headache Clinic.  I’m confident we will be able to get these migraines under control.  She won’t give up.

During this past month the vertigo has showed it’s ugly head again, but not as often as I would have thought.  I do question if this vertigo was Migraine Associated Vertigo (MAV) .  I’ve had a couple of attacks of rotational vertigo (where I see the world spinning around), most has been motion vertigo (where I feel as if I’m moving but I’m not).  Rotational vertigo is by far the worse.  I had a bought of that yesterday, but it wasn’t too bad.  The world would spin for a few seconds then for hours I’d feel like I was moving or that when I moved I had absolutely no balance what so ever.  Yesterday could have been MAV, I just don’t know.  It was a very bad day.  I woke with a Migraine at 9.5 on a 0-10 scale.  This causes me a lot of stress, stress causes a Meniere’s attack, of course that causes vertigo.  I’m leaning toward Meniere’s because my hearing was way off all day.

Most of the month I’ve been having motion vertigo, this was only the 3rd time I’ve had rotational vertigo.  I’m not sure why the rotational vertigo has calmed down, but I’ll take it.

I haven’t been around so much this past week, because the pain is getting to me.  I’m falling into Migraine Madness.

So, all my ramblings lead to one thing.  My head HURTS.

Winners of The Fay Farm Warming CBD Rub and Discount Code

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness2 Comments

(remember – This is a sponsored post for The Fay Farm Warming CBD Rub. I have been compensated through the Chronic Illness Bloggers network. All opinions remain my own and I was in no way influenced by the company.”)

fay farm 3

I’m happy to announce the winners of the Giveaway for The Fay Farm Warming CBD Rub.

To pick the winners I assigned everyone a number in the order you entered and entered the number in the Random Generator on Random.org.  The winning numbers are 1 and 10!

Ann Cluck and Elizabeth Neal you are the winners of .5 oz Warming CBD Muscle Rub, valued at $15 each.

I will contact the winners by email.  If for some reason either cannon claim their prize I will pick another name.

***The Fay Farm are now providing their CBD products through a third party, the products are available on https://www.cannatreehouse.com/  Therefore the coupon offered is no longer available.

Don’t forget since you are one of my readers you can receive 10% off your entire order and free shipping (in the U.S. only) by mentioning “Picnic” or “Ants” in the comments when you order you products!  (When you add everything you want in your basket, just add ‘picnic’ or ‘ants’ in the comment section of the order form and you will get 10% off.)  Yes, you get to take 10% off your whole order, not just CBD products, and the offer doesn’t expire.

Thank you to all who entered and the interest in this product.  I’m still using it and happy with it.  I hope everyone likes it as much, or more, than I do.