Finally I understand….they really aren’t bad people.

I wrote this a few days ago, but did hit enter.  I wanted to read over it and make adjustments….but I had a vertigo attack..and another, and another.  I’ve been having many vertigo attacks since November 1st.  They come on fast and the spinning is very fast.  They last anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours.  Yesterday I had 6 of them.  I can’t be on the computer very often the rare occasions when I can.  I can’t read much.  I don’t know if this is Meniere’s or Migraine Associated Vertigo, or a combination.  My guess is a combination.  We have calls in to both my doctor at Duke and the doctor here….yes the doctor here….I’m desperate…and read below you will understand why I’m giving him another chance.

So I don’t know when I’ll be back.  and I didn’t read this over.  thank you all for supporting and hanging in there with me.  You are the best!

So the people at Charlotte Eye Ear Nose and Throat are not so very horrible.  Stuart talked to the head of the Audiology department today.  She said that the doctor I saw has spoken to her twice about making an exception to see me.  Shockers!  Also there seems to be a pretty good reason for them to not see people from different clinics.  They don’t get paid for it.  Yep, it’s in their contract that they don’t get paid for MAPping cochlear implants that they didn’t implant.  Sad.  (for those of you scratching your head right now thinking, what on earth is MAPping? It mainly means when the audiologist adjust the CI’s so you can hear better…but here’s a link to nice explanation with more detail, if you are interested.  It is in easy to understand terms to don’t worry. Mapping a Cochlear Implant).

The audiologist then told Stuart that they made an exception in 2 cases, if it was a hardship for someone to go back to the place they had their CI surgery done, or if they couldn’t travel that far because of a physical problem.  She said, in my case it is both.  Because of the Meniere’s it is a hardship because I can’t drive and I have to depend on getting someone else to drive me.  I am also physically unable to ride that far because of the herniated disc, and because of the vertigo.  So, they are going to see me at this office!

I really wish they had told me this before.  I do understand they they don’t want everyone to know there are exceptions because then people would be trying to bend the rules.  However, if they had just told me they didn’t get paid, I would have understood.  That would have made me very understanding.  I feel horrible that they don’t get paid.  I do not feel right taking advantage of them.  If I only have to see them once a year or so, we will just pay them for the visit.  If I have to go numerous times, I will try to go back to Duke.  Right now, I really need to have this done, and I can’t afford to pay for the visit.  I am so very thankful that they are willing to help me.

My suggestion to them in the future…explain to the patient that they don’t get paid.  I sure wouldn’t have thought they had awful business practices if they had told me that.

On a not so good note.  Well, first a good thing…I woke up on Halloween…No vertigo.  Yay!   By late that night I had a little.  It decided to come back faster than before.  I fell like its toying with me.  Oh my goodness it has not been fun, if I move my head I get sick to my stomach.  I have a headache all the time because I have to concentrate so hard to focus.  Then night before last….major attack!  Dang!  I didn’t handle this well.  Mindfulness…yeah I’m not doing well.  My brain is not staying in this moment.  I keep thinking, what if it doesn’t stop.  After all this slow stuff has been going on for a while now.  I can’t stop my brain from saying building up these stories.  It’s harsh.  And it is making it worse.  Last night I had a little bit more than a mini attack but not a major attack.  I handled it better, and got it to slow down.  I’m just so sad about it.

I’m working on a lot of self care.  Eating well, pampering myself a bit, reading things that make me happy, watching good things on TV, reaching out to people I know give me good advice or just make me feel good, getting good sleep, and enough rest.  Making sure I take my medication on schedule.  Keeping a routine as much as possible.  This is very important.  If I don’t do these things I know I could slip into a deep depression.  I know this because I’m biploar.  But this is important for anyone.  Especially those of us with chronic illnesses.  We can get sick easily when we are under stress, we have to take care of ourselves, and when life hands us some extra challenges we have to be diligent about taking care of ourselves.

I also have to rest more…that may mean taking a nap, or just resting more.  I need to meditate more….now during these times I won’t be able to quiet my mind.  I know that.  and that is ok.  I will just sit quietly, and breathe.  As a thought comes up I will acknowledge it and tell it to move along…I will probably be doing that the whole time…and that is ok.  It will still do me some good, and I’m sure I will feel better.  I need to not give in to my impulse to eat more, especially junk.  Yes, when I get upset, I want junk.  I can’t do that to myself.  Just as I can’t drink or do drugs.  I have to stay as healthy as I can to keep my depression at bay.

So I’m off to do some reading that makes me laugh.

Just wanted to share this great news!

Hubby decided we needed to celebrate.    Dinner tonight…Steak with roasted green beans and new potatoes.  And for desert….a parfait made with bananas, berries, Greek yogurt, walnuts and a touch of maple syrup.  Double yum!   (Ok, so I have that desert often.  It’s really good and good for me!  I feel good knowing I’m taking care of me.)

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6 thoughts on “Finally I understand….they really aren’t bad people.

    • Marsha, I was just telling Stuart, that it is amazing I don’t throw up as much as I used to. My mind keeps telling me it’s going to end at any moment, and I think that might be part of it. I do get very nauseous, but I have phenergan shots and that helps. Also..I’ve been experimenting with something that has been really working. Making the vertigo much easier to handle, and stops the nausea immediately….it is still hard…heck just lying there with the world spinning for hours many times a day is hard no matter what, your eyes hurt, your life is miserable, you think quality of life sucks…..and frankly I get bored out of my mind. lol. Yes I’m sick as a dog, and I’m lying there wanting to die ,and I’m thinking, dang I’m bored. but I can’t really hear anything, I can’t focus on anything….It’s miserable….and boring. I think that’s part of my warped sense of humor.

      I saw the doctor yesterday and now I’m on a mega dose of steroids. The spinning is better, But my emotions are already going crazy. Bipolar and high doses of steroids are a hard mix. But I kind of had no choice. I’ll have to pay very close attention to things and constantly tell myself, it is not real.

      OH….the wonderful dinner was on a better day. I wouldn’t have eaten that on a really bad spinning day. I think I did spin that day, but I still wasn’t expecting it.

      But I have this psychological problem with food. If I feel bad I eat. I keep thinking, if I eat I’ll feel better. Came from when I was very hypoglycemic. If I felt bad chances were if I ate I felt better. It was like that most of my life…still is a lot of the time. But it carried on to every time I don’t feel well. My brain says…eat something. Even when I’m nauseous. Eat something. yes I’ll throw up. eat something. It is crazy.
      Now I’m afraid I’ll gain all this lost weight back, I can’t stop this. I keep thinking I need to eat something, I’ll feel better. I’ll stop these attacks.
      I think I need hypnosis.

      sigh.

      thank you for thinking of me.

  1. so odd they don’t get paid for doing MAPpings when they didn’t implant… wonder why that is? My audiology clinic does. did you sign an agreement when you got your CI’s and don’t have to pay for them, or does it go through insurance?

    • At Duke, my audi said it goes through insurance. I haven’t been to either one since all this started, so this is second hand from Stuart on the phone. I’m curious actually to find out more when/if I see the audiologist here. If I don’t get paid, I don’t know if I want to see her if I can get to Duke. and as bad as I feel right now I plan to get to Duke soon…no matter what. I want to see my doctor there.

      (the little I understand it that is has something to do with the contract with the cochlear companies. They don’t do high enough volume or something. But then why say that insurance wouldn’t pay? that doesn’t make sense to me. maybe the cochlear companies offset some of the cost? I don’t know. crazy huh?)

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