I haven’t been posting on a very regular basis because I’ve been having daily vertigo. Sometimes it’s a short bout of spinning that I can handle pretty well, other times it has been the horrific bouts that cause me to throw up for hours, and lose all bodily functions. (I know you’ve heard the details before, I’m sorry for the graphic description)
Daily vertigo is so draining. The constant disequilibrium is one thing, but the vertigo…it’s the most debilitating thing that has ever happened to me. To have this just hit me out of the blue, leaves me with such fear. This past week I’ve woken up with vertigo at least 3 times. One time I was on the verge of throwing up, and I admit, I completely freaked out. That bothers me so much. I have been keeping my cool through the attacks, but then that happened, and I’m terrified. How can I feel comfortable ever leaving the house when I know that daily I have these attacks?
We can’t be sure if the vertigo is being caused solely from Meniere’s, I also get vertigo from the Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension (IIH), and Migraines. I saw my otologist (ear doc) yesterday and told him everything that has been going on…..he was so distraught. There was another doctor in the room with him from Turkey, and both agreed, there is nothing that can be done.
Some people have said I could kill the balance nerves, but that is not an option for me. For a number of reasons. At my age, it’s almost impossible to learn to balance with just your eyes…and when they say that you balance with your “just” eyes that’s not really right, you use the balancing nature of your muscles, bones, ect. It’s easier to do this at a young age, children can often overcome the loss of balance from the ears. But this 50 year old woman who has been using her ears to help balance for her whole life, and who has trouble with her hips and pelvis so her gait is off, well I would almost definitely end up bed bound having vertigo constantly. I’ve never been so overcome with emotion. I just cried, I had a very hard time composing myself. My doctor looked so tortured and kept saying he was sorry. I told him he didn’t cause my ears to be like this, but I know he wants to help. It hurt him so much to tell me he just couldn’t help. He told me if he finds out anything that might help he will call me immediately. I know how much he cares, and it pains me that my illnesses has made him feel useless.
I feel odd today. I’ve felt so defeated and depressed lately. It’s simple, I just didn’t feel I could continue to exist like this. When you feel your life is only just existing, and that existence is completely miserable, then why are you existing at all.
Today, after learning there really isn’t anything medical that can be done, I actually feel like a weight has been a bit lifted. I know I have to deal with this, I can’t just keep thinking that there must be something that can be done. I’ve come such a long way in dealing with my vertigo attacks. Often, I can stop them from getting to the most horrific stage. It’s difficult, and it’s challenging, but it’s helpful. I’m still stuck being very still, not allowing myself to look beyond an article just in front of me (if I focus further away I will spin harder), trying to stay calm, taking deep breaths, and telling myself over and over that it IS NOT REAL. Of course, getting the meds in me as fast as possible has helped a lot too. So now I know what I have to deal with.
I know stress is making things worse and my normal exercises that I have come to rely on to reduce stress is not working, so I have to do some research and try something new. I’m thinking about hypnosis, after we have income coming in. I have a focus now….what can I do to reduce my stress? The stress of:
- my husband being out of work since April 2013, and me not being able to work.
- having my disability denied and now that we are in the appeal process they are saying it will take over a year before my case will even be heard.
- my father just started treatment for liver cancer
- the continued asthmatic symptoms without being able to get much relief.
- an increase of migraines….is Botox no longer working, or are the migraines being caused by the IIH
- an increase of IIH symptoms
- breaking my foot
- not feeling stable at all. Not knowing where we may end up, not knowing what is going to happen…this is not good for me. I do not do well when I feel like my life is up in the air.
- not being able to be intimate with my husband…and yes, even with everything that is going on with me, I would like that part of my life back.
- ……….that’s enough to list isn’t it? yet, yes I can think of more. (Deep Breath!! In…Out…repeat) OK, that’s a little better.
How do you handle stress? Any suggestions. I’ve done a couple of things, but more needs to be done. My stomach hurts all the time….this cycle has to be broken.