Not a Good Day

We’ve been home almost two weeks, it doesn’t feel that long to me.  The first few days I felt better, just exhausted, so I rested a lot.  Then I started feeling wonky, and having a lot of migraines.  Nearly every day I turn to Stuart and say, “It’s not a good day.” The disequilibrium has been so very bad, I’ve only been on the computer once since I’ve been home.  (I hope I haven’t had any important emails).  When I try to read on the computer I feel car sick.  I can’t stay on for very long, but today I’m going to try to do some things, a little bit at a time.  I also haven’t been out of bed other than to go to the bathroom except one day, and I didn’t last long.  I think I’d try to venture out more if we didn’t have someone staying with us.   (our house sitter asked to stay until June 14th, she’s moving then, and Stuart said yes….long story).  It terrifies me to have an attack in front of someone other than Stuart, or a doctor.  Even doctor’s make me uneasy.  So, going downstairs takes a lot of courage right now.  (not that she’s here all the time, but I’m still uneasy).  Don’t get me wrong, I do like her, but right now I would feel this way about anyone staying here.  I’m simply not having good days.

There really isn’t much more to say today, I wanted all to know I’m still alive.  I’m going through a time of change.  We’ll see where it leads, but Picnic With Ants may change considerably.

I can tell I’m very depressed, and have been for months.  Last year was very difficult for me, and the beginning of this year hasn’t been a walk in the park.  I see my new psychiatrist on Thursday, I think, I’m anxious to see if she has any suggestions.  I’m really tired of doctors telling me that if I could exercise more it would help my moods….well I can’t, so what am I supposed to do?

I have lot’s of doctor’s appointments over the next two weeks.  I’m overwhelmed just thinking about it.  Hopefully, all will go smoothly.

Thanks for staying around.  I feel like I’ve lost so much over the last year…or more…  But that’s for another post.

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10 thoughts on “Not a Good Day

  1. Hi Wendy! It’s good to read a note from you, although I’m sad to hear that you are not doing very well. I too have taken a turn for the worse. We had company last night and bam, right in the middle of our visit I went into full vertigo. Yuck. Yes, it’s terrible to get sick in front of anybody, even if they are great friends. I broke a lot of blood vessels in my face last night…..ugh.
    I am hoping and praying that your doctor appointments go well, shed some light on the problems and help you to begin to heal. As I write this your drawing of hope is directly beside the reply box. This is my prayer for you. That you will have hope. I feel such despair as I am thrown back into the misery of vertigo. I have to fight off the voices that tell me that this is the way life is going to be. That IS NOT the voice of God, it’s the opposite. The enemy is always trying to bring us down but I KNOW for certain that there are better days ahead. For both of us friend. I will fight for both of us.

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    • Deb,
      You are so dear to write me such inspiration while you are going through such an ordeal yourself. I think I’ll have better days, but i’m prepared if I don’t. Sounds horrible doesn’t it? I’ve just come to the conclusion that this is my life, it’s the one I’ve got, if I’m going to be like this then I’ll find some way to tolerate it better. I’ll make the most of what I’ve got.
      However, your attacks have been much worse than mine lately. Mine haven’t stopped very often, but it’s not as violent as they used to be…why I think most are migraine associated vertigo. I’m getting the Botox again next month and have great hope it will help. Wish I could get in sooner…my doctor is in such demand! I just keep telling myself….My body is sick, but I am not sick. Right now I am…woman lying in bed, catching up with friends. Trying to keep thoughts like that, instead of …. I had the worst migraine earlier today, have had one every day for 3 weeks, and have been spinning almost non stop…what a crappy life.
      What turned me around? I picked up my book, “How to be Sick” by Toni Bernhard and read through it again…I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me….to think of my illness so differently, it makes things much easier to bear.
      I’m glad you have your faith to help you.
      I have found the Buddhist teachings very helpful for me. Toni’s book is based on it, but you don’t have to be Buddhist to get much out of it. However, I’ve also been reading other Buddhist text, it calms me.
      Thank you for thinking of and praying for me.
      I think of you all the time, and send healing thoughts your way.
      love
      wendy

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  2. Dear Dear Wendy,
    Words will never be able to express the concern and sorrow I feel for all you go through just to survive. I can only hope and pray for your feeling better and better and being able to return to your creative spirit and talents.
    with love,
    judy

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    • Dear Judy,
      It’s not so very bad. I’m lucky really. I have an amazing husband who helps me…and works at home so he’s close by, good doctors, and insurance. Just think if this happened to me and I didn’t have those things…and for a long time I didn’t. I’m feeling better emotionally. Not feeling very creative yet…or think of things i want to do but can’t right now (did you know I used to work with glass? That’s pretty dangerous now.)
      This is my life, it may change, but right now this is it, and that’s ok. I don’t like the spinning so much or the migraines, but as I said I’m lucky. I’d sure hate to go through this alone. I feel so much for people I know who have these illnesses and don’t have the help I do.

      The hearing loss has been interesting. I really need to post more about that.
      thank you for thinking so much about me. I haven’t been able to be on the computer much, but I’m trying today, things are feeling a bit more steady. (we’ll see how long it last.)
      love
      wendy

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  3. Third attempt at comment — so I’ll just keep it short — sending you my good thoughts, healing wishes, and a very soft and gentle ((((((hug)))))).
    PS: I hope Thursday goes well! I’ll have my fingers crossed that it does.

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    • I wonder why you couldn’t comment. I have another friend who can’t comment on my blog, I don’t know what to do about it. : (
      I was wrong, the new psych is next week. I had to cancel all my appointments so far this week. It’s really bad when you have to cancel a doctor’s appointment because you are too sick to ride in a car. (yes I’ve been spinning a lot lately…not long attacks, but many, it’s so strange.)
      So I missed my therapist appointment, my dentist appointment, my GP appointment….I have an appointment with my audiologist tomorrow, hopefully I can make it!
      thinking of you!
      w

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  4. Man I just love the “exercise will make you feel better” comment. HAve gotten it many times. My heart aches for you, I’ve been there. Although, not for such a long period of time. I had a vertigo attack two weeks ago after not having one for more than a year. It’s hard to have that feeling of maybe this is all behind me and then “BOOM” be back where you started. I’ve been taking LDN (Low Dose Naltrexone) at the advice of my naturopath since there is evidence that Meniere’s is an auto-immune disease. I really feel like it’s helped. The endolyphatic shunt surgery + dierutic+ LDN+ bio-identical hormones+ gluten -free diet seem to be what’s helping me stay standing. I think of you often. Take care and try to stay strong!

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    • Nancy,
      I’m glad you haven’t had an attack in so long…I hope it’s a very LONG time before another one….like never! I’ve had the endolymphatic surgery, am on a diuretic, and a gluten free diet…so I’m close to your regimen. I’ll be getting the botox shots next months…can not wait! And hopefully I can keep on a good schedule with them for a while. They really seemed to help the first go around but then we went out of town….so I didn’t get the next shots at the right time.
      I’m going to ask my neurologist (headache pain specialist) for a GYN referral. I’m hoping she has one who she works with to balance hormones better. I’m not happy with my GYN any longer….and I’ve been seeing her for years and years! But she doesn’t seem to answer my questions about menopause, hormones and such as well as I’d like. Think she’s much more up on the child bearing years.

      Thank you for thinking of me.
      I’m feeling better mentally…and that’s a huge thing. This is my life, it’s the only one I’ve got, so I’ll make the most of what I can. My body may be sick, but I am not sick. I promise to try and stay strong!!
      I’m going to look up the Naltrexone…sounds interesting. I know Meniere’s is thought to be autoimmune in some people, but I have no autoimmune markers when they checked me. And I had been diagnosed with Celiac…but it was a odd diagnosis. (2 tests, one positive, one negative) However, I’m definitely gluten intolerant. But the Fructose Malabsorption is much harder to control.

      thanks again!

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  5. I feel and share your pain. I know how you feel and I am supportive of YOU. the next two weeks for me involves a lot of medical testing and the last 4 weeks were dreadful with symptoms. I don’t even ask anymore, why us? I guess, why not us? We have to deal with what is happening and not look back or forward. I’m glad you are back home, that’s a little comfort in itself. Know that I am thinking of you and sending you smiles and non-aching hugs. Write when you can. Love, Laurie

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