Taking Control…even a little bit.

I did not do this piece of art work! However I really admire the piece and thought it was perfect for this piece. Please check out the artist other works.
"Taking Control" by http://katelynalainstudio.com

So…Yesterday I was having another icky headache day.

I hadn’t been able to hear well for days.  The day before I had vertigo for hours.  Not bad, throw up for hours vertigo, just a slow spin that made me nauseous and was most annoying, but was better if I focused up close.  I could not find a position I was not having vertigo, I also had the other things that often go along with my Meniere’s attacks.  Diarrhea, and those wonderful hot moments, and the complete exhaustion.  So I’m thinking possibly it was a Meniere’s attack, not Intracranial Hypertension.  Especially after what I realized next:

I was lying in bed and realized I can hear today.  Not tinny sounds, no strange warp. just hearing! Clear sounds!  I decided to take control! (and I have been feeling completely out of control of everything in my life, so this was a major thing!)  I decided to dope myself up.  I hate to take too much migraine medication or pain medication because I do not want to get dependent on it, or have rebound headaches.  But yesterday, I decided to take a rescue medication, and a pain pill, and carried a second pain pill with me in case I needed it.  I also carried emergency Meniere’s med’s so I was prepared, to venture outside.

Yes, I wanted to go outside to possibly hear a bird.  After all, who knows how long this hearing will last?  Unfortunately, it was the wrong time of day to really hear a bird. Some people were just starting to come home from work and things like that.  It was such a pretty day.  I sat on the porch, I’d told Stuart I’d bring my phone outside with me in case I needed him, he said “I’ll do better than that”  and out he comes with me.  I was a bit sad, all I heard were cars, and sirens.  Human made sounds.  Stuart said, “I think I may have heard a bird.”  BIG MISTAKE!  I said, in a much nicer tone than I was thinking…because I was feeling kind of raw about my hearing…”Ummm. Please don’t do that.”  “What?”  “Don’t point out to me things you can hear that I can’t.  That’s not helping the moment, do you understand that?”  He said he did, and we went on to do some other things.  I will talk about…but may I say, he later did point out another sound he heard.  I know at that time it wasn’t, ‘I know you are trying to hear this thing so I’ll point it out so you can listen and maybe hear it.  It was more…Oh, I’m excited I’m hearing this, I grew up in a place where we didn’t hear sounds like this.  So I over looked it. And I did hear it, but if I hadn’t, it would have hurt.  Even if I have excepted it, there are little things that I’m feeling sad about.  Just not knowing.  Will I ever hear you again?

However, as I said, we did a little more.  Stuart planned to sit out on the porch and work while I enjoyed the day.  I asked if he could hand me my pots of herbs.  I have 12 -14 pots.  I can’t remember how many exactly.  I know I grew 11 different herbs last year, but I had a couple duplicates, and one died.  So I’m thinking somewhere between 12 and 14.  He brought them to me one by one.  Many had started to come back.  Some I didn’t think were annuals.  I guess we had such a mild winter they just didn’t die all the way.  The Bee Balm (not technically an herb, but I grow it in with them, the bees like it.) is already 6 inches high and very, very full.  It never bloomed last year, I think we’ll see some flowers this year.  The mints are doing well.  I cleaned out the dead branches in their pots and aerated the roots.  So more peppermint, spearmint, and lemon balm (yes in the mint family) this year.  The Lemon Balm has also taken off.  There is a full pot of it already!  YAY!  It keeps the mosquitoes and other bugs at bay.  I need to make sure it’s beside my Basil so the Japanese Beetles will leave it alone.  I really hate those things.  They aren’t very smart though.  If they do find the basil, I just move it, and it takes them a while before they find it again, so I move it again.  Stupid bugs, but they can strip a plant….oh they don’t like oregano either.  so I put the Basil between the Lemon Balm and Oregano. Great deterrents!   The Thyme came back!  And of course the Rosemary never left. The lavender kind of went all gray and looked dead, now it’s looking like it’s turning green.  I think I should have cut it back.  I had a lavender plant before that stayed green all winter, this must be a different variety.  So I have a few things to replace…like the Basil, and marjoram, think we may try Chocolate Mint this year, just because it sounds so decadent, not sure what else I may put in.

I may not be able to keep a garden, but my herb garden.  I just have to do it.  I have to feel that much in control.  Just a little.  (and please oh please, let me be able to start cooking again soon!!)

Stuart did take a break from working, and cleaned out the little flower bed, got the day lilies ready to bloom, and got the bed ready to add some compost.  So he will add a little compost and some flower seeds this weekend, and we will have our little wild flower garden surrounding our herb garden pots.  Minimal fuss, and muss, it just has to be watered.  (and I’m thinking about paying the next door neighbors boys to do it when we are having a rough time.  They should be 12 -14 now, I think they can be responsible, and she’d like it.  One is her nephew/ adopted son, and one is her foster son.  A great family.  She was one of our sponsors when we were going to foster.)

OH….I did hear some insects making those noises they do.  And a very big BUMBLE BEE thought I was very interesting, and buzzed me!  REALLY!  Oh Goodness Gracious, I had a Bumble Bee talk to me.  I have an upcoming post about it.

So control.  I’m working on feeling like I have a little bit more back.

I tried to start dinner today.  I was feeling pretty good, and almost fell out in the kitchen.  This bitch is weak!  So how much is the head crap…granted I did start feeling like I had a very SMOOSHY HEAD, but how much is me just being so weak? We went by the grocery store on the way home from the doctor today, we left and Stuart asked if I could carry these two light bags, no problem…after a very short distance.  BIG PROBLEM.  I was soon swearing at Stuart, “I don’t know why you can’t ever roll the ($*%ing cart out to the car anyway!”  He keeps telling me to give them to him.  NO, he had enough, and I had them.  I’m dying, the muscles in my shoulders are screaming.  Then I think, well if I have to lift these thing put them to use, and start using them as weights to tighten muscles I need tightening.

And now it is about 8 hours or so later, and I am so sore I can barely move.  From carrying LIGHT grocery bags, and cutting up a chicken!!  what has my body been reduced to?

But I am determined to take more control over more of my life.  I don’t like feeling like I’m not in control of anything!

Today I saw the headache pain specialist (neurologist specializing in headaches).  She is changing up a bunch of medications.  Taking me off 2, adding 1, and putting me on a round of steroids to see if we can’t knock this headache OUT, and give me a fresh start!    I’m feeling good about the changes. Unfortunately, it’s going to take a while to ramp off the meds I’m on, ramp up on the new meds, and get it all sorted out.

Dr. Gray wants to do another Lumbar Puncture.  I’ve decided not to go that route.  I’ve decided to wait and see what this medication does first.

A little Control.

it feels good.

My new friend Mary, will be proud of me.  (I know my many other friends will also be proud of me, but Mary and I were just talking about this yesterday.)

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9 thoughts on “Taking Control…even a little bit.

    • me too, made me a little sad I’m not still creating the outrageous. But just a little sketch here and there keeps the spark alive. who knows what the future may bring, and a new dimension to my art?

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    • Thanks maureen,
      I’m going to try….very, very hard.
      I’m going to be much more forceful about my treatment.
      I didn’t really realize just how long I had been in so much pain.
      This is unacceptable.
      So things are changing.
      I will not deal with this amount of pain every day! I do not believe it cannot be controlled better than it has.
      Hopefully, the headache doc is on to a new avenue.
      thanks
      wendy

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  1. and your old friend Laurie is proud of you too! give yourself a break Wendy, we are all too hard on ourselves, I think. It’s true. I do it to myself too. I walk half a mile and then complain that my legs hurt, not feel proud that I actually could walk even though it was very slow walking. See? again. it was SLOW walking. So what? I wasn’t in bed, crying. We need to give ourselves a big, huge, break. More of the time, than not. GOOD FOR YOU. Hang in there. Laurie

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    • after I wrote that last line, I later thought….OH, all my friends will be proud of me…I can’t count how many…(well I probably can, but there are many of you)
      I pointed out Mary, because she just became a friend through the Say What Club (the HOH board for Meniere’s patients) and we were just talking about this kind of thing the day before.
      I am hoping she will see it, and feel included here.

      You are right, yesterday, I was so upset. I went to the doctor that I went to last month and was weighed. According to my scales, I’ve lost about 7 lbs, a little more. I stepped on their scales, and it was 3lbs lost. I was so hurt. Then I thought, it is 3 lbs. I’m still down about it really. especially since these steroids are making me so hungry, and I’ve been having a problem with that any way, but I keep thinking…it was 3lbs. And I’m not sore today. so I’m proud of carrying those sacks and only having the soreness for a bit last night! : )
      maybe a bit more weight work.

      hope you are doing well.
      thinking of you every day.
      wendy

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  2. Glad to read that you had a good day — wishing you may more days on the porch (or outside in a park, perhaps?) enjoying the sunshine, smelling the flowers, and hearing the birds. They sing in the early morning, usually. Though it depends on the bird — and if it’s “mating” season, then more of the males will be trying to impress the females with their songs. So, I hope you do get to hear the lilt of birdsong!

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    • yes, early morning….ummm, I may never hear a bird again. : ) I will have to make a BIG effort. thank you. I’m feeling better today too! I’m trying hard. I feel I was giving up and giving in to the doctors…..can’t have that! xo w

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  3. Just glad you had a better day of hearing and that you are wanting to take more control. Trying the different medications first sounds like a good plan. I have some days where carrying light things and standing cutting veggies just does me in…depends on the day. Some days laundry is the monumental task. I can relate to that weak feeling. Other days are better. Or at least parts of days, right? 😉 Awesome!! 🙂 🙂

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