I started writing this post a few different times, but nothing I say seems to come out right.
I don’t want to sound all pessimistic. I’m not…I’m hopeful…but I’m tired….and a bit frustrated.
I saw the audiologist, had a hearing test, and saw my Oto. , Dr. Kaylie, on Tuesday. (August 6th) It was a very emotional day, and I feel like all the answers I have are still…wait and see….
My hearing test was dismal. My right ear is pretty steady, my left ear is now pretty useless. Yes, even with the hearing aid. It is hoped that it will come back, but it’s a wait and see kind of thing. I scored 0% on the word recognition in my left ear. This was my “good” ear before. Now the volume is down like the right ear, but the sounds are so distorted I can’t understand them. It’s heartbreaking really.
Finally, I asked Dr. Kaylie, “do you have any idea if I will continue to have relapses?” He said no, “We’re in uncharted territory here.” I was pretty sure that’s what he’d say. But it still stung.
I explained that we were in the process of getting licensed to become foster parents, but without knowing, I just don’t see how we can. Dr. Kaylie, looked very sympathetic, but he couldn’t say much. He did say, since things improved so much before, he believes it will again. That my pressure hasn’t stabilized yet. He has every hope that my hearing will improve. (for some reason, I’m not as hopeful. I guess I’ve heard it before, with my right ear, and it didn’t get better, but at least it is stable now.)
If I take out my hearing aids, I can’t hear anything but very loud noises. I can not make out speech. Just a few months ago, I could still hear, and understand most words. If I wear the left hearing aid, it’s just so I’ll have the volume control to work. (button on right hearing aid is up, left is down) There’s really no reason to wear it. So did I waste $2000? maybe…We have to wait and see if my hearing improves….
Will I be able to drive again?..We’ll have to wait and see if the disequilibrium gets better….
Headaches?….we’ll have to wait and see when your pressure levels out.
So I’m in waiting mode…..and I don’t like it!
I will post my hearing test for you to see soon. (right now I can’t get it to come up on my computer…..I do have a love/hate relationship with technology.) I will post the test from earlier this year, and the one from Tuesday. You can see how much things have changed.
I posted a photo I created on my Create To Heal Blog, that I’d like to share here too.
- Fractured Ear (Hearing) by W. Holcombe all rights reserved.
During my hearing test I started to cry…just a little…I could tell things were very bad. Then the audiologist tried to adjust my hearing aid to help…it didn’t work. I held it together. Until I got to the waiting room and saw Stuart, then I broke down.
I have to admit, I’m scared now. More scared than I think I’ve been in a very long time. If the hearing doesn’t change in my left ear, and if my right ear’s hearing diminishes…I won’t be able to hear. It’s already so hard, just hearing parts of things. Missing so much. Dr. Kaylie says I’ll never be deaf, that he would give me a cochlear implant. But, I’m scared.
And, now once again, I have to change my plans for my future. I have to come to terms with the knowledge that, I will never be called Mom. This is something that’s going to take me a bit more time to process.
So….We’ll Wait and See.
Please take the time to check out Kelly’s series on Fly with Hope this week. Today, (August 8th) is my story. “I want to live! But I don’t feel like I am!”
Also, take a minute to drop by Phylor’s blog and check out the playlist from other chronic bloggers. A lot of great music, and a lot of inspiration!
And as always. Thank you so much for all the support you give me!
Picnic with Ants 
Wendy – I am new to your blog, having discovered it only a few weeks ago, but I want to let you know that I really appreciate your honest and true expression of living with chronic disease – the frustration, pain, and fear as well as the joys, satisfaction, and triumphs. You are a talented writer and artist! It sounds like you are so discouraged right now. Please try to keep in mind that there are also good things in our lives. In fact, for me your blog is one of those good things, helping me to deal with my Meniere’s. And don’t automatically conclude that you will never be a parent (actual or virtual – what’s the difference, really) to someone. Life is too unpredictable and unplannable to make that assumption!
Sincerely wishing you all the best, LB
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Wow, Wendy, I read your post on Fly with Hope and was truly touched by your story. It was so articulate, so bittersweet. I can’t say I can understand what it is like to suffer from chronic depression, but I can definitely relate to the despair that comes from wanting “to live, but don’t feel like I am.” The frustration of watching life pass you by is incredibly disheartening. I tried to find meaning in being caught between frequent, severe vertigo attacks, but my best times felt like purgatory and my worst, hell. And that’s without having the complication of depression.
Your will to live and give to others is incredibly admirable and useful to those you touch. Reaching out to others through your writing is a godsend to those who read it, myself included! It may seem that what you are having to endure has no meaning at times, but it does – your ability to articulate what so many of us are experiencing in one way or another is priceless. It makes us not feel so alone. It’s such a huge relief knowing someone else out there has some intimate concept of what we are feeling.
I have great hope that you will overcome these current challenges and, because of what you have been through, will continue to be an inspiration to those around you. I also believe somewhere, somehow you will become a “mom” to someone. You just haven’t found each other yet. 🙂 (Just had a thought: have you looked into your local Big Sister program?)
Have a wonderful day! It’s a new one, anything can happen.
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Wendy,
I love the art you shared. I’m glad you have the outlet of something like that as it is simply beautiful. Beauty that comes from the ashes of pain.
You know my heart goes out to you dear. I am thinking about you.
When we realized after months of being invested (financially, emotionally, physically) in the adoption process that I could not fulfill my dream of becoming a mom because I had developed yet another disabling illness (which happened to be Meniere’s), I was devastated and my heart goes out to you.
I know many people will be well meaning and try to suggest other ideas to fill that hole in your heart, but it will never be filled. I liken it to as if I were single and someone told me that I would be a “wife” because my sister got married. It feels just as ludicrous because it is not even close to the same thing and when you are grieving it is not what you want either. Being an aunt will not replace being a mom and working with children never replaced being a mom and babysitting my friends kids never replaced being a mom. Parenting in the way we wanted to parent something we have to grieve. I grieve for you because it is a blow to the heart and the body and the spirit. Give your self the time and care to do so. Loss of dreams are so very hard.
I’m glad you’re sharing your post on my blog! Its getting a lot of views and comments. 🙂
Gentle hugs.
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Kelly is right and I fear I may have been insensitive. Please accept my apology.
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Wendy,
I don’t have the words. Just know i’m thinking good thoughts and i’m so sorry.
The wait and see things are a real pain in the you know what!
Janice
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I really wish there was something I could say to help you feel better. There is no cure, no hurry up pills that we can take when we are told to wait and see. We are left to our own devices to deal with the anger and pain and heartache. It seems that those of us with chronic illnesses are always dealing with the various stages of grief as well as our illnesses. And it really %*#@ sucks that we have to go through this. I know you are being your creative self through your art and the blog and I hope that you are able to find other ways to help you deal with all of this.
Hugs to you. You are inspiring!
Maureen
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