I started writing this post a few different times, but nothing I say seems to come out right.
I don’t want to sound all pessimistic. I’m not…I’m hopeful…but I’m tired….and a bit frustrated.
I saw the audiologist, had a hearing test, and saw my Oto. , Dr. Kaylie, on Tuesday. (August 6th) It was a very emotional day, and I feel like all the answers I have are still…wait and see….
My hearing test was dismal. My right ear is pretty steady, my left ear is now pretty useless. Yes, even with the hearing aid. It is hoped that it will come back, but it’s a wait and see kind of thing. I scored 0% on the word recognition in my left ear. This was my “good” ear before. Now the volume is down like the right ear, but the sounds are so distorted I can’t understand them. It’s heartbreaking really.
Finally, I asked Dr. Kaylie, “do you have any idea if I will continue to have relapses?” He said no, “We’re in uncharted territory here.” I was pretty sure that’s what he’d say. But it still stung.
I explained that we were in the process of getting licensed to become foster parents, but without knowing, I just don’t see how we can. Dr. Kaylie, looked very sympathetic, but he couldn’t say much. He did say, since things improved so much before, he believes it will again. That my pressure hasn’t stabilized yet. He has every hope that my hearing will improve. (for some reason, I’m not as hopeful. I guess I’ve heard it before, with my right ear, and it didn’t get better, but at least it is stable now.)
If I take out my hearing aids, I can’t hear anything but very loud noises. I can not make out speech. Just a few months ago, I could still hear, and understand most words. If I wear the left hearing aid, it’s just so I’ll have the volume control to work. (button on right hearing aid is up, left is down) There’s really no reason to wear it. So did I waste $2000? maybe…We have to wait and see if my hearing improves….
Will I be able to drive again?..We’ll have to wait and see if the disequilibrium gets better….
Headaches?….we’ll have to wait and see when your pressure levels out.
So I’m in waiting mode…..and I don’t like it!
I will post my hearing test for you to see soon. (right now I can’t get it to come up on my computer…..I do have a love/hate relationship with technology.) I will post the test from earlier this year, and the one from Tuesday. You can see how much things have changed.
I posted a photo I created on my Create To Heal Blog, that I’d like to share here too.
During my hearing test I started to cry…just a little…I could tell things were very bad. Then the audiologist tried to adjust my hearing aid to help…it didn’t work. I held it together. Until I got to the waiting room and saw Stuart, then I broke down.
I have to admit, I’m scared now. More scared than I think I’ve been in a very long time. If the hearing doesn’t change in my left ear, and if my right ear’s hearing diminishes…I won’t be able to hear. It’s already so hard, just hearing parts of things. Missing so much. Dr. Kaylie says I’ll never be deaf, that he would give me a cochlear implant. But, I’m scared.
And, now once again, I have to change my plans for my future. I have to come to terms with the knowledge that, I will never be called Mom. This is something that’s going to take me a bit more time to process.
So….We’ll Wait and See.
Also, take a minute to drop by Phylor’s blog and check out the playlist from other chronic bloggers. A lot of great music, and a lot of inspiration!
And as always. Thank you so much for all the support you give me!