This, That, and The Other

In just 8 days since I started writing these journal posts I’ve made some observations. The antidepressant is working, and I’m very glad I took the chance and tried it. I’m in a much better place mentally. On the other hand, I do not see a great improvement from the Emgality, I hope I’m wrong, but as of right now my migraines aren’t better and I’m having an increase in vestibular migraines. Finally, I can see that I get a lot more done than I thought I did, and by paying attention to what I’m doing encourages me to do even more. I may not continue to write these journal entries publicly, (let’s face it, who really wants to read my day to day activites?) but I think I will continue to keep a private journal, I can really see how useful it can be.

More thoughts about my migraines I’ve noticed over the past month or so I wake up with relatively no pain, this has changed since starting Emgality, I used to wake up with a migraine almost every day; however, within a couple of hours a migraine will normally start. There were a few days last month that this didn’t happen, but for the most part, I could set my watch to it. This past week I’ve had 3 vestibular migraines, (a vestibular migraine causes dizziness and vertigo with or without pain) each one has been accompanied with severe pain and confusion. These are not new, but they do seem to be coming more often, and are more intense. Things to talk about with my doctor.

Cactus Flowering Tucson, AZ W. Holcombe

Yesterday I finally spent some time outside. I have 3 types of exercises from my new therapist, breathing, hip stability, and functional. While I was outside I laid down by the pool and focused on my breathing exercises. It was so nice, I finally felt things said I should feel! Exciting! I got all of my exercises done, not all at once, but I got them all done. So, I didn’t get a whole heck of a lot done yesterday, but I accomplished exactly what I wanted to, I went outside, and I did my exercises. The rest of the day I didn’t feel well and didn’t feel like doing much of anything, then right before I fell asleep I had a migraine hit that was excruciating. I thought a cluster was starting it was so intense, but it didn’t quite hit that magnitude. However, the pain was behind my eye and in my temple, my eye watered and right nostril ran, just like when I have a cluster. I had to move because the pain was so intense. So, I’m not positive it was not a cluster, but if it was, it wasn’t quite as painful as ones I’ve had in the past; not to say this was not severely painful. (for me a cluster is the greatest pain I can imagine, the pain I had last night would have sent me to the ER if it had lasted longer, but it was not the worst pain imaginable.)

Quick rundown of today. I ate breakfast outside. I took a bath and washed my hair. (this is a big task for me) I had a dentist appointment (check up, cleaning, fixed a small chip in a filling, and a fluoride treatment), went to Trader Joe’s, had dinner at the table with my husband, made “brownies” (hopefully I’ll sleep better tonight), and watched old Dr. Who’s for a bit. I did have a migraine that started shortly after breakfast but it didn’t get above a 6 all day so I was able to function. I used my functional exercises while making brownies and my back hurt less, but it did start to hurt more after I finished. I’m just thrilled I was able to get them all mixed up and in the pan without being in intense pain. Today was a FULL DAY! Tomorrow is an early day, so I’m going to bed.

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Journal Days of May

from my walk on Sunday – Prickly Pear in bloom

This month I’m going to do something very different, I’m going to try to keep a running journal of the month, so you might get a bit tired of me.

The idea behind this is two fold, I want to pay attention to my moods, and really see how this new antidepressant is working; and I also want to have a goal of accomplishing at least one thing a day, no matter how small that one thing is.

I’ve been feeling pretty low lately about how little I’ve been able to accomplish because of my pain, I want to prove to myself that I am more than my pain and accomplishments come in all sizes and all should be celebrated. I’m hoping by committing to posting about this on a regular basis I will force myself to stop thinking of the things I can’t do and pay attention to the things I can.

Today I woke with the continuation of a migraine from yesterday, that continued from the day before. I had an appointment with my therapist at 11am so I took a Maxalt and drank a little caffeine hoping it would take the edge off and make the day more bearable, unfortunately, it didn’t. In the waiting room there was a lady sitting directly in front of me and one sitting beside me, they obviously new each other and were having a conversation in normal tones. I was struck by the fact that I could not understand more than the rare word here and there despite the fact that it was a very quiet room. Once again I wondered how I could meet people and socialize. When I left I planned to go by the grocery store to pick up a couple of things but the pain was so great I thought I would throw up before I made it home. I took a second Maxalt when I got home, but again, it simply did not work. I decided to message my doctor and ask if there is another rescue medication I can try as Maxalt seems to have stopped working. I am still hopeful that the Emgality will help, but I need something to get me through the moment.

Today I made it to my therapist appointment! I had a lovely mindful moment with my dog, and a few other mindful moments too. I attempted to do a Body Scan meditation, but I didn’t finish. I will try to do it again before I sleep tonight.

I’m trying hard to not focus on the fact that I can’t cook dinner tonight, or get the dishes out of the sink because my back and head hurt so damn bad. So I’m avoiding the kitchen.

little update: from travels to depression

Spring 2019 in Tucson, AZ by W. Holcombe

Recap.  Let’s see, when last I left off we planned to go to Charleston, SC in September for our anniversary; there was a possibility we might have to move; and I was getting a hair cut. Turns out none of those things are happening or happened.

Trip.  After researching a trip to Charleston it just didn’t seem like the smartest thing to do this year. The trip was going to cost us more than twice what we had originally budgeted for our trip to New Mexico, I’ve been to Charleston hundreds of times, Stuart really has little desire to visit there, we weren’t going to be able to see as many people as we’d like and still have a romantic trip…there were just too many things that said this was not the trip for us. We decided it would be best to take a second trip to specifically visit with family and friends, and we are going back to our original plans of going to Albuquerque and Santa Fe to celebrate our 15th anniversary.

Move.  I’m relieved to say that we do not have to move, our landlords have decided not to sell the house right now. The house has a pool and the best time to sell is during the summer, there are a few things they want to do to the house before selling it and they wouldn’t have been able to get it done in time to get it one the market for the pool season, so they have decided to wait.   That is a huge relief.  Soon we’ll be house hunting.  That can be fun, and or ahhhh.  Hopefully, it won’t take long to find the perfect home for us. 

Hair I ended up not getting my hair cut. It ended up being a not so good day and I just couldn’t go. I had been up most of the night with nausea, and when I don’t sleep the next day is precarious.  I haven’t made a new appointment yet.  I have a case of the nerves about it now.  As much as my long hair is hard to wash and gets everywhere, it is very easy to just throw it in a pony tail, and I’m used to it.  I think I’m a creature of habit.  What if I really mess it up?  When I was younger I’d think, “It’s hair, it will grow back”  Now, my hair is much thinner, and I’m not too sure it will grow back.  Damn I’m old.  hahahah

Migraines. I’ve been on the new migraine preventative, Emgality, for a month now. I was told not to expect a reduction in migraines the first month. I talked with others and most on the boards noticed some difference.  Here’s my experience:

In February I had NO migraine free days and took medication for 10 days (the maximum number of days allowed) . In March I had 2 migraine free days and took medication for 10 days. This month, I had 5 migraine free days, and I’ve taken meds for 7 days. This may not sound like much of a reduction, but I haven’t had 5 migraine free days in a month in as long as l can remember. My maximum free is normally 2, and I always take the medication for the maximum allowed number of days. This week I actually reached for a rescue med at the first sign of a migraine, like you are supposed to, instead of waiting until it hit an 8, because I wasn’t afraid I’d run out of allowed days before the end of the month. I took my second shot yesterday, cross fingers for me that May brings fewer migraines.

Bipolar Depression.  This week I broke down and started a new antidepressant.  I tried hard to pull myself out of this funk, this sadness, this feeling of utter worthlessness, but I haven’t been able to.  I told myself it was situational, it wasn’t me, and I could get past it if I worked on it.  I’ve been working with my therapist and I do have things in my life that can cause depression, but the situations, and my coping with them, are getting better, but the feelings aren’t.  It’s time for a little help.  I’m having very mixed emotions about this and I’m not sure why.  I feel like I’m always going to be a bit off anyway.  I’m never going to be normal.  I’m always going to be bipolar.  When do I stop and just say, this is how I am and it’s how I’m going to be.  This is my normal.  Live with it.  No more medication tweaks.  No more added medications.  But I want to feel better.

Mini me update

Daffodil – Charlotte, NC
Wild Mexican Poppy – Tucson, AZ

I’m Still Here I didn’t mean to scare anyone with my last post, no I’m not closing my blog, I have just been feeling a little low lately and it’s been hard to put words together and write coherently. A little depression has gotten hold of me, but I’m coming out of it. I tried looking at everyone’s blogs today but my reader is not working right. I’ve been terribly homesick, I have a friend back home who has been extremely ill for months now and I can’t be there with her and it’s breaking my heart. I can only hope that my virtual support is helping a little. My sister hurt her knee pretty bad, I’d like to be there for her, but alas I can’t. I’m kinda sure that she wouldn’t allow anyone to take care of her, but I’d sure like to try. She’s taken care of me time and time again, it’s time for me to be the carer. And I really miss Spring in the Carolinas. Spring in the desert is beautiful in it’s own way, but it’s not like it is in the Southeast. There isn’t this sudden explosion of life everywhere! You open your door and flowers have bloomed overnight. Trees are suddenly green. It’s magical. I didn’t think I’d miss it so much, but I do. Stuart says he will miss the fall, so we have decided to go to Charleston, SC for our anniversary this year in September. Hopefully he can see a little bit of Fall weather, and we can see people we love. Looking forward to that makes me a bit less homesick and I think it helps my depression.

The Move and Service Dog About us moving…no we aren’t moving far away, we are still going to be in Tucson. This is just an inconvenience, but how we were told about it really pissed me off. Right now we are renting a house that we didn’t expect to be renting but a few months until we found a house to buy, but it ended up that we needed to wait a few months before we could commit to buying a house. We can start looking again in June…or July, I don’t remember which. Our landlord has been working on the guest house and told us he did not expect to have it completed by the time we would need to move. On Friday I was standing out by the pool talking with him for a long time about us going to meet with a dog breeder about getting a dog to train for my service dog, this has been in the works for a long time and he knew all about it, he has been excited for me. Nothing was mentioned about the possibility of then wanting to sell the house soon, or us having to move. That evening our utility bill was left on our door with a note on the envelope that said our lease ends April 30th and the guest house should be finished by then, so we need to discuss options. My stress meter jumped WAY HIGH! The thought of moving again and then having to move again a few months after that, simply threw me for a loop. I don’t blame them, it is a financial decision, not an emotional one, but it sure leaves us in a lurch. There is a possibility that we won’t have to move. They need to do some work on the house that may go into the summer, and they believe that if they don’t sell during the summer they will miss their window for the best profit because it has a pool. People don’t like to buy houses that have pools in the winter….weird. We will know in about a week, if we do have to move we’ll have at least a month to move. We will then have movers move our stuff to a storage locker and move into furnished corporate housing for a few months, that way it’s really only one move. We’d just just have our clothes and stuff, everything else would be packed and ready to go. After we came to that decision the stress was totally lifted. We decided to wait on getting a puppy right now to train, hopefully we can get one this winter. I’m still looking for just the right dog for me. I will be training my dog through HandiDogs here in Tucson, AZ. They are a hands on training facility helping you to train your own service dog. I will have a hearing and balance dog. I will talk more and more about this experience as it happens.

Migraine Specialist I saw a new neurologist who specializes in headaches. She was wonderful. She had read all of my chart before meeting me, she asked all kinds of questions that I can’t remember being asked before. Like “does sleep make your migraines go away?” I’ve had it suggested to me to try sleeping when I have a migraine, but no one has ever asked me if it worked. It doesn’t. I wonder what that means. She asked if I ever get a migraine when having a bowel movement. Sometimes. So many questions!! At the end of all the questions and realizing that I’ve tried everything out there and still have over 25 migraines a month we decided to try one of the new CGRP blocker migraine preventative medications. I chose Emgality because it has been shown to help cluster headaches too, but it is not approved by the FDA for that use yet. This medication comes in an injection that I give to myself with an autoinjector. I had the first dose on Friday, March 29th. I will write a post soon explaining more about what this medication is and my experiences with it. Please wish me luck with it. My doctor told me that her story is much like mine. I not only have chronic migraines, I have a constant daily headache that I’ve had since I was 11 years old, the day I first started my period I got a headache that never went away. My doctor told me that with this new medication she still gets migraines, she gets much fewer migraines, but she does get some. However, she no longer has her daily headache. At that moment I burst into tears. I was so thrilled for her, and the thought of not having pain every day constantly, I simply cannot fathom that.

On a completely different note, I’m getting my hair cut on Saturday. You may not recognize me. I have long naturally wavy, slightly curly hair, but it’s fine. It used to be thick until I went through menopause, sigh. The length is doing nothing for me. I wear it in a ponytail most of the time. So I’m getting it cut! Not sure exactly how short yet, I’m going to need advice from my stylist, but I think it’s going to be pretty short. I’m getting new glasses soon too, I’m just going to look so different. A new me.

Well, I’m up late because I’m fighting a gastritis attack, again. I finally ate some real food today for the first day in a week, and now I’m so nauseous I can’t sleep. I’m off to take a Phenergan and try to rest.

“Change is the only constant.” ~Heraclitus