Eyes Wide Shut

I’m so tired.  I’ve experienced fatigue before, but nothing like this.  I can’t stay awake, except at night, when I can’t sleep.  I’m restless, yet I can’t get it together.  I started exercising more this past month, but this past week I haven’t been able to do more than what is absolutely necessary.  A little while ago I put some dishes in the dishwasher and now I’m ready to take a nap.  I am having a very hard time keeping my eyes open.  Lifting my limbs is a challenge.  This in conjunction with extreme brain fog, yes writing this post is a challenge, it’s also why I haven’t been able to follow through on promises made.  I really hate that.

What changed?  I honestly don’t know of anything that has changed so much in the past week that would cause this.  I don’t think I’m sick.  I’m not running fever or anything like that.  My headaches haven’t been worse, they aren’t better, but they aren’t worse.  I haven’t increased my medication.  I am taking CBD oil during the day, but I’ve been doing that for over a month now, so that’s not new.  I’ve actually been taking less this week because I keep forgetting.  As it has been pointed out to me countless times by numerous people, I have been under a huge amount of stress, but honestly, the stress hasn’t really intensified recently, it’s been pretty steady for months now.  I’m dealing with it pretty darn well, if I do say so myself.  The only thing that has my mind racing is our house hunting, it’s taking longer than we expected, and it’s just getting to me a bit.  I’ve decided to step back from the search for a few days at least, a bit of breathing room, get refocused and start again next week.

I’ve been using marijuana to help me sleep for a long time.  (full disclosure, I was using it long before we moved to a legal state)  for some reason it’s not working like it used to.  I can’t sleep, yet I can’t stay awake, what’s up with that?  When I try to go to sleep at night I just toss and turn, often I just give up for a while and get up.  It’s hard not to snack in the middle of the night when you’re up all night.  OK, I’m exagerating a little, I am sleeping …some…

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My sleep last night recorded on my Fitbit.

Okay, my brain is not working.  I’m about to fall asleep…probably not really, but I feel like it.  It is storming like crazy right now.  Monsoon season is almost over, as much as I’m tired of the storms every day, I’m going to really miss them when we go for months with no rain.  Plus, they are really cool.

Some reasons I might not be sleeping…hmmm….pain.  My wrist is getting better, I’m not having those horrible sharp pains and I have much more range of motion.  I can pick up dishes without extreme pain! That’s awesome!  But, now it hurts all the time.  The pain is not as intense, but it’s always there.  I bought some CBD salve yesterday and I’m rubbing it all round my wrist and hand, not the actual surgical site yet, I get my stitches out on Friday. after that I’ll rub it all over.  Cross fingers it helps ease the pain a bit.  I feel silly complaining, it’s not that bad, it’s just constant.  (sometimes I do still have some sharp pains, I was just reminded of that a few moments ago when I tried to help with dinner)

Thank you all for listening to me rant.  I do accept that this is the way it is right now, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try to figure out what is going on and take care of myself the best I can.

Any suggestions?

 

 

 

 

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I’m thankful – TToT

This is late because I forgot to hit Publish when I finished writing my post….duh.  But, I’m thankful that I was able to do it at all.

I missed last week’s Ten Things of Thankful  because I was having surgery, that brings me to my 10 things:

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Number 7 in action.

  1. They were able to give me an IV with just one stick.  The nurse said I have very challenging veins, but she did a great job!  The orders called for 2 IV’s one in each arm, but she said I was suck a hard stick, if they needed another IV going, they could do it after I was out.  I just loved her!
  2. Everyone who took care of me was so nice and they worked hard to make sure I could see their mouths and talk slowly so I could read their lips.  They even let me wear my CI’s into the operating room.  I wish they let me keep my glasses, they are a lot less expensive to replace if something happened.  The surgical nurse was amazing, she put me at ease so fast I immediately trusted her.  I knew she’d take care of me and my CI’s and wouldn’t let anything happen to them.
  3. I only had to have light anesthesia, going under general anesthesia is always scary and a lot harder to come out of. Propofol was my friend.  I do wonder if I talk while I’m out of it, I sure was talkative when I woke up, I knew I was talking too much but I couldn’t shut up!  I know it was the drugs talking; I bet the attending thought I was insane.  All in all it was a good experience, I felt well cared for.
  4. My recovery is much easier than I expected.  My doctor didn’t really tell me much about what to expect to recover.  When Stuart asked him how long my recovery be, he said. “about 20 mins”, obviously he meant that’s how long I’d be in recovery after surgery, but we didn’t really talk about it afterward.  So I consulted Dr. Google, and it said that it would take a few weeks for me to get use out of my hand again, some even said I might have a cast.  I was prepared to have very little ability to do much of anything with my right hand for 2 – 6 weeks.  Boy was Dr Google wrong!  I just have a little bandage, and was told to make sure and move my thumb as much as possible.  Shocker!  I actually have more range of motion than I did before the surgery, but I still have pain in my wrist, it’s just different pain.  This pain is from the incision, it’s not sharp and tight like it was; I could actually live with this pain, I wouldn’t want to, but I could.  Well it is much more painful when I over do it.
  5. Lorraine was willing and able to keep Mindfulness Monday going in my absence.  She is an amazing friend, it blows my mind that we’ve never met in person.
  6. I was able to drive to a friend’s house the day before my surgery.  I haven’t been driving again for long, so going about 30 minutes away from home was a big step!
  7. My dog loves me so much!  She brings me such joy!
  8. I’m now in my niece and nephew’s life.  We’re baby sitting tomorrow night, I’m excited that we will be able to spend quality time with them, just us.
  9. I went to my new PCP for the first time today.  She did make me nervous and I’m not 100% sure I’ll keep her as my PCP, but I’m grateful that I finally found one that was excepting new patients so I could get a referral to see a Neuro-otologist, he’s a Meniere’s specialist.  I’ll tell more about this visit in an upcoming post.
  10. for my husband, again.  He was so wonderful this past week.  He took me to my surgery and took the next day off and half a day on Thursday to take care of me.  He does take really good care of me.

I have much in my life to be thankful for, like the TToT challenge from Ten Ten Things of Thankful  They are a great community and I’m so happy I found them….Thanks Faith.  I’d love to hear what you are thankful for this week, tell me about it in the comments, or join in the challenge to post Ten Things of Thankful .  (There is not a requirement, or a limit to the amount of things you list. 10 is a goal, if you are having a challenging week and can only post on thing, please share it….and you can share what you are having a hard time with, this community is very supportive.

Coming soon: First, a little update about my recovery, and second, my experience so far with Medical Marijuana…stay tuned.

(please forgive me for not being able to get around and seeing what so many of you have been up to lately, I hope you understand.  If you’ve had something happen and you want to make sure I’ve seen it, please share.  I never want to miss what is most important to my friends.)

Mindfulness Monday: Miscellany

“Who looks outside, dreams;

who looks inside, awakes.”

Carl Jung

 

“You must live in the present,

launch yourself on every wave,

find your eternity in each moment.”

Henry David Thoreau

 

“Writing can be an

incredible mindfulness practice.”

Jon Kabat-Zinn

 

image: © Lorraine (please do not use without permission)

I’d like to thank Lorraine for all her help during my recovery, she’s just the best!  Be sure to jump over to her blog and say hello.  Lorraine’s Frilly Freudian Slip

I wanted to give you all a little update on my surgery.  I’m doing very well, much better than I expected.  I’m able to do much, much more than I thought I would.  (Dr. Google was very wrong on that one)  I’m working on a post giving a proper update, I’m just slow going right now, but wanted to let everyone know that I’m doing very well, and thank you all for your well wishes through this challenge.  I don’t know what I’d do without my blog family.   “See” you soon.    ~ Wendy

 

Stress? Who’s stressed?

I swear if I hear one more person say that something that is wrong with me is due to stress I will scream!  I have felt this way for many years.  When I was having vertigo daily they said it was made worse by “stress”.  When my asthma went crazy, they said “stress”.  When I had severe GI issues for months, I was told I needed to reduce my “stress”.  You know the last time I looked stress does not cause Meniere’s Disease, or allergy onset asthma, or fructose malabsorption.  Don’t get me wrong, I know stress can do a number on you, but I feel like it’s a catch all.  If they don’t know, then it’s stress, after all if they can’t fix it then it has to be MY FAULT.

Finally, I am having issues that I think may actually be caused by stress.  I will be the first to admit the last few months have been pretty stressful.  My mother-in-law was placed in long term care, we moved across the country, I left my sister with the understanding that we may never see each other again, Stuart started a new job, I’m finding new doctors, I have to have surgery on my wrist on TUESDAY, I don’t know how long to expect to be out of commission to recover from said surgery (I hate being so dependent, not having use of my dominant hand is hard), we’re looking for a house (and not finding what we want), we’ve been looking at cars (for me),  I’m starting to drive again, we’re living in a small house that I can’t get organized because we don’t want to get too settled since we will be moving again soon, I’m suddenly surrounded by family (some of that’s good, some not so good)…………….WOW. writing all of that out was stressful, and I haven’t listed everything.

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This is me with a migraine, the right side of my face gets all numb and droopy.  #realmigrainepose

For over a month my migraines and cluster headaches were much, much worse, is this because of the stress, or is it causing more stress….short answer, Yes.  I must say though, for the past week they’ve been getting better, I think it’s because of the medical marijuana I’ve started using (more about that soon).  I’m having some GI issues that just don’t want to stop.  (it’s even waking me up at night, and I haven’t made it to the bathroom a couple of times…is this all from stress, who knows, but I doubt it’s helping),  I’m irritable, quick to anger, and just plain grumpy.  I’m overwhelmed and in pain, and I’m taking it out on everyone else.  I don’t like myself right now.  My anxiety has increased, but it’s not too bad, yet.  I’ve been a little depressed, but it’s not all consuming.  So, there’s a lot to be stressed about and it’s kind of taking it’s toll.

I’m trying to meditate every day, but it seems the more stressed I am the harder it is for me to meditate.  I feel like I’m not being very mindful either.  I’m living too much in the future.  We are buying our forever home and I keep thinking things like, “I don’t want a pool because I don’t want to keep it up when I’m 70”, “I don’t want any stairs because I might get sicker again, and I also we might now be able to climb stairs in a few years.”, and my personal favorite, as I’ve been going though things and deciding what to keep I keep thinking, “will anyone care about this when I die?” ….I just turned 55, I’m not that old, but I sure am living like I am.  (except I want a cool yellow car, that will keep me young)  I worry about how M’s condition will advance.  I worry about Dad, he spends all his time at the home what M, and she’s beginning to have moments where she doesn’t remember who he is exactly.  How is he going to handle it when she no longer knows who he is.  Then I think about what M’s daughter said, she told me about another relative who had Alzheimer’s and how they told her that they may not know who she is, but they know they love her.  I think Margaret will always know she loves Dad.  It breaks my heart every day though to see this amazing woman slip away.  (she just turned 77)

I really want to get back to focusing on living in the moment and simply not worrying about the rest.  Why worry about the now? It’s going to be gone in an instant.  I want to invite joy in my life.  I want to step away from the drama that I’ve found myself dropped into.  I need to nurture my inner self.

Little update on me: My surgery is scheduled for Tuesday, the 7th.  It is a minor surgery, I’m not even put under general anesthesia.  They just put a little incision on the inside of my wrist below the thumb (on the side, not the palm) and snip a little to release the tendons.  When I saw the doctor in Charlotte, NC, he told me that often when the injections don’t do anything that there are actually 3 tendons running through the sheath instead of 2.  He said they don’t know why but it often doesn’t show symptoms until middle age.  This is even more probably since I have it in both wrist, luckily the injection worked pretty well in the left wrist though.  The doctor here didn’t mention it, but he did comment that the orthopedics department at Atrium Health (formally known as Carolinas Heathcare System) is one of the best in the country.  (right now they are ranked number 3)  So I kind of believe the doctor at CHS.

My migraines have improved some since I started using medical marijuana.  Most of what I’m taking is a very high grade of CBD oil.  I will write a post soon telling you all about my journey through getting a card, learning what to buy, and my experience in the dispensary.  The gammaCore has still not arrived.  The doctor’s office dropped the ball when ordering it, then they didn’t put in the request for the free trial for the first month.  (they did change offices this month, and my doctor is new and has been the only doctor in the group to prescribe the gammaCore, all of those factors led to the good up)  The gammaCore company called Stuart last week and told him that it should be no problem getting it approved by my insurance.  If that is the case, why haven’t I received it yet?  I sure could have used it this past month, the cluster headaches have been killer (literally, if I thought I had to live in that kind of pain all the time, I’d kill myself.  Cluster headaches are called Suicide Headaches, because of that very reason, people will kill themselves to get relief.  I start Botox in about a month; I was supposed to start on Thursday, but that was my original surgery date so we cancelled it.   The monsoons are causing a lot of severe barometric changes almost daily, I’m sure this has been one of the reasons my migraines have been so bad, so hopefully they will get much better in a month of so, when the monsoons are over.

 

It’s late and I have a headache, so this post was not even read over to check for errors, please forgive any typos, grammar errors, or other atrocities.