Why Am I So Sad?

On By WendyIn Bipolar, Chronic Illness

*Warning, this post may be a trigger for some people. It mentions major depression and passive suicide ideation.

self

I’m sitting here with a severe migraine and I’m certain that’s why I simply want to die, but why do I feel that way so much on other days? Let’s face it, my life is going better than it has in a long time. Yes, I’m having a really bad migraine right now, it isn’t as bad as it was last night or I wouldn’t be able to type this, but it’s still pretty dang severe. However, my migraines are much better overall. I’ve had 5 migraine free days this month! That’s enough for me to be dancing in the streets! I haven’t had a month with 5 migraine free days in….Oh, I don’t know how long! I have a house of my dreams, an amazing husband, wonderful neighbors….So why am I so sad? Why do I sit here and question if I should actually exist? How can life be so much better, and yet I feel so bad so much of the time? I have this urge to just run and run and run. I have this compulsion to pack a bag and leave. Where would I go? Why do I think that would make anything better? In reality I know it wouldn’t, after all, I’m trying to get away from myself and no matter where I go, there I am. I simply do not want to exist.

So these are these are the things I asked my psychiatrist last week, why am I still so sad? Why do I feel no better when everything in my life is going so well? She said, “It’s not what’s on the outside that’s bothering you, it’s your brain chemistry that’s out of balance.” Yeah, I knew this, really I did, but I’ve never had it this bad with everything going so well, and that’s a bit too simplistic for me. So I came home and started reading, I wanted to know more about this “brain chemistry” of mine. I found this article in Harvard Health that explains things really well in language I understood, and I thought some of you might find it really interesting too. What Causes Depression? Onset of depression more complex than a brain chemical imbalance.

More about me….We are still working on getting the ketamine approved. It seems as if it might actually be happening soon, or at least we will be getting a definite yes, or no from the insurance company, instead of this extremely long hold up that both me and my doctor are extremely frustrated over. If they come back with a “No”, I don’t know what the next step will be.

I’m doing everything I’m supposed to to try to be better. I’m eating well (most of the time), writing a gratitude journal every night, writing affirmations every morning, I’m trying to move more, I’m meeting new people, making friends…..All of this is very hard for me. I’m pushing myself beyond all my comfort zones and I’m still doing it, I’m trying so very hard to get better. At least when I’m focusing on those things I don’t have time to think about other things, but then I have days like today when all I can do is sit here because it hurts so bad and I think, “what’s the point?” I was supposed to go to coffee with my neighbors this morning, and I had to get Stuart to cancel for me because I couldn’t lift my head off the pillow it hurt so much. That’s a great way to make an impression, huh? I’m so tired. I’m just so tired of trying so hard, it just shouldn’t be so hard.

I know it isn’t always this hard.

I know it can get better.

I know it will get better.

I KNOW I WILL GET BETTER.

“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.” ~Seneca

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30 thoughts on “Why Am I So Sad?”

  1. You’re one tough cookie, WendyWoo. I know it totally stinks to have to be ‘tough’ and ‘tough it out’ but know that I’m always there with you in spirit, trying to make you laugh. I wish I had answers for both of us and I hope the ketamine is approved and IS the answer for YOU. You’re working so hard and I’m so very proud of you and in awe of you. ❤️

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    1. Wow, look, your comment came through! Oh KaraLa, why did this make me cry? Oh, you probably know. Thank you. I am so proud of YOU. and I wish I had answers for us both. I love you little lady. ❤❤

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  2. ((((((((((Wendy)))))))))

    You are brave, funny, strong, loving, caring, expanding outward, trying to heal body and soul. But you don’t feel like you are. Depression feels chronic, unstoppable, unmoveable. Right now a, it’s a bleakness that settles into the cracks and crevices; seeming to drown you in it’s choking dust. Joy seems distant.

    I understand the feeling. I wrap a gentle hug around you. I am truly sorry that you are still battling the deepest part of depression.

    The cheat of chronic depression, for me at least, is its pervasive and intrusive nature. It is my background noise, my elevator/shopping mall ear-worm music. Some times the volume gets turned down some, and life can be white noise to make it whisper for awhile. Conversely, the volume gets turned up and nothing seems to mask it, numb it, make it behave and leave me alone for awhile.

    I offer this up as my way of saying that I believe in you. Love you. I hope that you can find your way through. Gain back a bit of the joy in life. For even in your desperation, you are trying. To me, this post is an example of letting some light into the darkness.

    I am going to order a book (I have Barnes and Noble gift cards) about drug-resistant depression. I will let you know what I think.

    Life-line; one day at a time (as trite and trivial as that can sound).

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    1. You know it doesn’t sound trite. I’m still trying hard to live one moment at a time. There is joy, I do laugh, I do have fun sometimes, but there is always this damper on things. I don’t feel pure joy and happiness anymore.
      But right now I’ve been having a hard time controlling the rage. A mixed state is terrifying. I’m really hoping that we’ve caught it in time and increasing my lamotrigine is going to stop that.
      Thank you for you thoughtful comment.
      I’m so sorry you always feel like this.
      One moment at a time

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      1. Yes. One moment. Depression like this does blunt the joy and laughter. I think of it as I can capture the “butterfly moment” of a blip of bliss, but the memory isn’t as joyful (often neutral) as the original instance.
        Hope the rage is caught — mixed states must be scary! I find rage very frightening — seems I slip away into someone else who is ranting and throwing things.

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          1. I called it my “evil twin sister” feeling. Not me, my evil twin!
            That is what is so surreal about rage — not only feeling like I’ve lost control, but I’ve given or some-else has taken control.

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      1. Gentle hugs to you.

        I still get caught up in the stages of grief, usually anger, and especially this time of the year. When you have a chronic illness or disability that will never go away, it can be so easy to think and over think of what we had and were able to do and compare it to now. I find I do a lot more day dreaming this time of year. Whether it is something that could have been a reality or is a fantasy, I’m always healthy and in control and successful and doing things by choice. That is my version of running away because, if I did run away, it is not like I can run to a different existence. (Unless I win the lottery. 🤣💸💸💸) Like you say, where ever I go, there’s me and my disability and that will never change.

        It also doesn’t help that in the past couple of months, I could count on two hands the amount of sunny days we’ve had. But, this time of year is also a big trigger sometimes because it the time of year of when I first got sick. Some anniversaries just suck. But the over thinking sometimes is like wash, rinse, repeat with the question “why me” and sometimes there is no answer and that’s hard to accept.

        But, as the saying goes, the only constant is change and we all are trying to find something different that may work for us.

        So, here’s to all of us and always being able to find things that help us.

        Love to you guys.

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        1. Oh Maureen, I hate you are having a rough time of it right now. I’m not feeling those feelings of grief right now, and don’t very often anymore, but I sure understand them. I wonder if you also suffer a bit from SADD since you have such hard winters. I think I’d be even more melancholy if I lived where we didn’t have much sunshine this time of year. I think the desert is good for me about that.
          Yes, may we all find something that helps.
          I’m sick sick, I think, this week. It’s been weird. So if I’m a bit off in my comment forgive me.
          We haven’t chatted in a while. S has been asking about you.
          How’s G?
          Love and lots of hugs to you guys ❤

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  4. The whole brain chemistry part is what’s so frustrating because that’s what’s out of our control. Just like migraines, when they want to sneak in whenever they wish, and far too regularly for both of us by the sound of it. You deserve those brighter days, Wendy, and they are possible. Hang in there. We have the hope and the energy when you don’t feel you have it yourself, we know you can do this. Keeping my fingers very much crossed that ketamine gets the go ahead asap so you can get started on that. Sending lots of love & hugs your way  ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
    Caz xxxxx

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    1. Thank you Caz, you always know exactly what I need to hear right when I need to hear it.
      You too deserve brighter days, especially with the migraines…wait, no when you have a migraine I hope it’s not a bright day. 😉 I’m still pissed the Aimovig is not available to you. Im still hoping it will be. It is helping me some, hopefully it will help more and more as time goes on. The occipital nerve block helped a lot, I see the pain doc next week we will talk more about that then.
      I need to catch up with you, I hope things are moving along for the best and you are feeling better.
      Love and hugs my dear. ❤❤❤❤

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  5. Wen. Awe. It basically just plain sucks when you are feeling depressed. ‘Smiling through the tears…’ it’s tiring! There are so many possible reasons your depression is flaring! But. This is a depression flare you are experiencing. We both know flares are temporary, this will end. It sounds like you are doing all good things to combat this depression flare. The funny thing is, life can be moving along just great, but your depression still kicks your ass. There is no answer I can give that makes it better. It’s a waiting game. Just hold on! Harvard study or no, depression is real. Feel better, my friend! Until you do… keep using your tool box! 💜

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    1. Thank you Kym, I know you understand depression. This is because my medication stopped working and we haven’t found one that can. I’m out of possibilities really. I now have what they call, “medication resistant depression”, it sucks big time, been going on for months and months now. That’s why we’re trying to get the ketamine approved. It’s kinda the last thing to try. I just can’t shake it. Right now it’s not as bad as it was, nor as good as it gets. It does get to the point where it’s kind of a background noise, I just can’t shake the darkness. When there is a lot of outside triggers too it gets unrelenting. Yes, I’m still smiling through the tears, pretending to be well, and oh yes, it is very tiring. I’m so very tired.
      I’m so very glad you are no longer in this. You sound so very happy in your new way of life. I’m in awe. I do find joy in your joy.
      You may have known everything I said, I’m sorry if I’m telling you things you know, I just know you missed things while you were transitioning to the RV life.
      I will keep using my toolbox, 😊❤ -Wen

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      1. Wen! Yes, I did miss a lot. I try not to sound like a know it all… that is not my intention. (sigh) I’m used to being told, “we have no medication options left for you…” and that is not fun. I go through months of hell until I can retry one of the three medications that have worked in the past for me, praying my tolerance has decreased. I am so hoping that ketamine gets approved. You WILL get through this. You CAN acknowledge that its tough. You are still one of the strongest women I know!

        I’ll be close to Tucson, soon… 3, maybe 4 weeks. I hope you will feel well enough for a short visit. IF not, that is perfectly OK too. (It could just as easily be me in a flare!) We will see wha is happening at the time.

        I know you find joy in my joy. This RVing has been VERY GOOD for my health. It was tough to sell our home and make this leap. But, no choice really. I’ll tell you more about it soon. Take GOOD care of yourself… and Stuart too!

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        1. I really hope I’m up to seeing you! I think I will be. If you are anywhere close I’ll come to you!
          You have no idea how happy I am that the RV lifestyle is good for you.
          (BTW-You didn’t sound like a know it all)
          Looking forward to SEEING YOU!! ❤❤

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  6. Dear Wendy I hope you’re feeling better now, that you have the medicine that really helps… I’m sorry you’re struggling with sadness and it is understandable. I am enveloped in it myself and I question my every action… I suppose because things keep going wrong.
    Love to you and Stuart. I’m glad to hear you now have your own home again. xox

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    1. I hate that you too are going through a rough time time Faith. I’m so late on everything and horrible at keeping up with everything and everyone I care about.
      I think of you often, I keep meaning to check in with you, but life gets in the way, and suddenly it’s been months.
      Love to you and yours.
      My heart goes out to you.
      xoxo. Wendy

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  7. limitlessmare

    Ugh, last December through March all I could think about was dying. The only thing that kept me going was “Who will take care of the cat if I kill myself”. It felt like someone flipped a switch in my brain and I just wanted death. It was the worst depression I’ve ever experienced. I think from last April until now I was still depressed but not suicidal. I didn’t realize I was still so bad until last week when I had the ketamine. I woke up and went holy shit, I was still depressed and I didn’t realize it

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  8. Pingback: When I am sad… | lovehappinessandpeace

    1. I don’t know if we can “make” ourselves happy, but we can keep trying to find a way to survive and be less crumbled.
      I’m on a new treatment that has been helping a lot, but we reduced it, like you are supposed to, and I’m not doing as well. I talk to the doctor tomorrow. But this treatment gives me hope for all of us. It shows me there is hope. There is possibilities.
      Loving thoughts.

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