I’ve started a number of posts lately and haven’t finished any.
I’m having a rough time lately. I feel the darkness creeping over me, sucking the hope out of me. I’ve had this happen before, and I always pull myself out of it, but it’s hard. Right now, I just wish I wasn’t. (Don’t worry I’m not suicidal.) Sometimes, I just wish, I didn’t exist.
We watched It’s a Wonderful Life on Christmas, one of the only true traditions we have. We usually watch it on Christmas Eve, but we had a friend come over on Christmas day and we like to watch it together.
This movie usually gives me hope. It makes me believe that I could have made a difference and not known it. Just maybe I’m important in some way, that some things would be worse if I hadn’t been born. This year part of this movie hit hard. One of the last parts of this movie made me so very sad. Clarence, the angel, leaves a book for George Bailey and in it he writes, “Dear George, remember no man is a failure who has friends…..” George was surrounded by people who loved him, who he had helped in so many ways that they were all willing to help him, without even knowing what caused his troubles. (if you haven’t seen the film, George finds himself in a huge mess and considers suicide. Clarence, shows him what life would have been like if he hadn’t existed. It was a pretty grim picture. After he sees this, he wants to live, then he finds out that his friends all want to help him.)
I have been feeling I have a lack of true friends lately. Friends I can really call on. I know I have a few. However, not that many. Does that make me a failure?
I’ve had a couple of friends this year tell me I haven’t been a good friend. That I’ve ignored them and haven’t worked on our friendship. That was very hard to hear. Especially from one of them. I felt I’d been there for her over and over, we had been friends for years and years. (though not always in touch) All of a sudden, she felt she was giving all the energy in the relationship and I wasn’t giving anything. I think my illness, and my depression about it sometimes scared her. But I don’t think that was all. We are back in touch, but it’s not the same. The incident has never been mentioned. The other, I could understand how she could see things that way. But it was never intentional. And now, I feel odd about our friendship, and don’t know if it will survive.
I’m lonely, but I have a hard time being around some people. Losing my hearing is hard. Often, I’d rather be lonely alone, than in a room with people whom I feel isolated from because I can’t hear them. I do well one on one, but in groups…it’s so hard. I’m also having a rough time with envy. I want to be happy for my friends, and experience joy that they can do so many of the things I can’t. Sometimes I can do this, other times it just eats me up.
There are so many things that I’ve been having a hard time with.
I was reading back over my blog from this year, and my journal from last year, and found I’ve been on a sickness merry-go-round that goes something like this….hell – much better – hell – much better….over and over. I’ve been given hope and felt better and then had the rug pulled out from under me so many times I’m dizzy just thinking about it. (pun not really intended, perhaps I should say, dizzier?)
I keep thinking, even if this surgery ends up working, when will it stop. Will I have 2 months…4…12??? (Dr. Kaylie said to give it 3 months before we really judge it. This really takes a long time to heal.) When I had this on the other ear, I had 4 months vertigo free, then I had a spell of 11 days with a Meniere’s attack. Hearing down, tinnitus up, and vertigo on and off…for 11 Days! But caused by the other ear. Then I started in the Cerebrospinal fluid study, and things have been up and down since then. For over a year.
In the past 2 years I’ve had 9 decent months. Not a bad number, but they weren’t great of course, I’m just talking 9 months where the Meniere’s was better. 5 months where the headaches were better. And very, very few where my GI system was better. I even had a few where the pelvic and hip pain were better, but not many.
Speaking of GI issues. I’m still having diarrhea very often, and have gained so much weight. I’m not keeping much food in me, almost every time I eat I’m running to the bathroom. Yet, I’ve gone from 147 lbs in the beginning of 2010, to almost 200 lbs. now. (and most of that I gained in 2 months time, in the fall of 2010) I hate to look at myself, and the idea of people seeing me like this, or having my picture taken terrifies me. I grew up in a house where my father would often tell me I needed to lose weight, and would talk about others who were, what he considered, over weight. I knew even if he didn’t say it to my face, he would be calling me fat behind my back. (this caused a teen eating disorder) I haven’t seen him in long time, and won’t now. The idea of it, just hurts, I could not bear the thought of being told I’m fat, or knowing he would be telling others how fat I am. (BTW, this is not a man who has been in shape for as long as I can remember.)
So to sum that up, I do not have the Fructose Malabsorption under control. Elimination Diet started today!
We watched Despicable Me on Christmas Eve. One of our favorite movies. I think this was the 4th time we’ve seen it, and still laugh so hard. But it also makes me cry. This time more than usual. When he falls in love with those girls, and they become a family, it’s so touching. All I could think about was the fact that earlier this year we were making plans to become foster parents. Now we’ve given that dream up.
I’m still stuck in bed most of the time. When I get up I get the worst headaches! Also, I feel like I’m on a very rocky boat most of the time. It’s horrible. I’ve felt unsteady for a long time, but now, I walk a bit like I’m drunk. I have to walk very slowly. To top it off, I feel sea sick. Strangest thing about that – the only time I’m not feeling nauseous is when I’m eating. (is that weird or what?)
This is also a difficult time for me because my mother’s birthday was New Year’s day. It was such a special time when she was alive. No matter where I was, at some night club, or party, or what ever….as soon after midnight as I could I would call my mom and wish her a happy birthday! I remember one year I was at a bon-fire, and I had to drive about 10 miles to find a phone so I could call her. Now, most years, when midnight strikes, I’m just home. Stuart often doesn’t even make it to mid-night. He doesn’t like to be on the road on New Year’s Eve because of all the drunks. I understand, but it’s hard on me. He promised last year, this year we would do something special. We were going to check into a hotel, party in their and we wouldn’t have to drive anywhere that night. Perfect. But, as you can probably guess, we can’t do that. Plus, I’d probably be miserable because of my hearing troubles. So what to do?
I don’t like it when I get like this. (I logically know part of it is PMS, and I will pull myself out of it, but it’s a rough time.)
I’m certain I can deal with whatever the future has in store for me, but right now, I hope it doesn’t throw me another curve ball too soon. I need to catch my breath, and renew my outlook.
Now for the request.
As I’ve mentioned on here, I started a goal list for the Day Zero Project. You list 101 things to do in 1001 days. I have one thing on my list that should be easy, but it hasn’t been, and I was hoping you guys could help.
#26 on my list is to Make a list of 20 things that I like about myself and stick it to my mirror. (to be read every day)
I’d like to change that to Make a list of 20 things others like about me and stick it to my mirror.
Can you help? Can you tell me something you like about me? Not only will it help me check something off my list, I think it would help me during this dark time to hear some good things about me.
thank you all.