I am so ‘effing STUPID!

Picture by: http://www.theshamsband.com

OK, today will be day 9 since they cut my ear from top to bottom around the back, and pealed my ear forward (basically, off),  then they took a piece of skull from my head, and opened up the cavity a bit more, so my endolymphatic sac would have more room, and I, hopefully, will have much less vertigo.

That’s the jest of it, and as you can imagine, it takes some time to recover from this.  A bit more than 8 days.

For a week, I had constant vertigo, could not even get out of bed to go to the bathroom.  Then it started to settle down, I started to walk again, I believed I was on the mend (still do, but no thanks to me.)  Yes, two days of improvement, and I think I can conquer the world…or at least the bathtub.

I’ve had a very hard time hearing recently …the past couple of days or so.  I hear about every third word my husband says.  I sound like a parrot who only knows hot to say, “What?”  The TV sounds like it has a broken speaker.  The tinnitus has been going crazy.  I’ve been getting more and more frustrated.  Not only because my hearing seems to be all wonky….in my right ear…my better hearing ear, but also because I am so tired of being dependent on someone else for everything!

Yesterday, I think a lot of the sleepless nights, and being a constant caregiver started to take its toll on my husband.  He was worn out.   I wanted something so badly, but I wasn’t about to ask him for it.   I wanted him to rest, and I was already feeling bad about how I was treating him.  When I get scared and frustrated…well, I sometimes start a fight.  I think I just want to be in control of something.

So I got all hot under the collar, and got up and went in the bathroom.

And took a Bath!  Yes, this is the part where you can say…ARE YOU STUPID, or CRAZY, or just what ever word you want to use to show I was not using the best judgement.  But oh, the water felt so nice, I relaxed so much, I dozed off for just a moment…then Stuart came in to check on me.  (what a guy, I blow up at him for nothing, and he still comes to check on me.)  I thought, perhaps now would be a good time to soap up, rinse off, and get out of the tub while I have him there to watch over and help me.

All went pretty well,  until I started to get up and out of the tub.  Then it all fell apart!  Stuart always wants to help, but I’m not a small girl, he only has about 30 lbs on me.  So I’m always afraid he will hurt himself, or we’ll end up falling together.  Plus…I’m like a kid sometimes…”NO, I can DO IT!  Let me DO IT!”  you understand.

Stuart was close, and trying to help me as much as I’d let him, and I slipped.  My knee hit the bottom of the tub, both ankles bent under me, and I hit my head on either the wall or the side of the tub.  I lost it.  I completely broke down.  Not because I was hurt that much, but because I did something so stupid.  (When I say I completely broke down, I mean sobbing and heaving and not being able to catch my breath because I was so upset.  I started to get dizzy, I started to feel sick….I had to calm down, but I couldn’t.  I knew taking a bath was beyond my limits right now, but I just had to do it!  How many times have I encouraged others not to do what I did tonight?  To take care of yourself, to listen to your body?   If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be able to help others…  Did I practice what I preach?  Heck no.

So now I have two twisted ankles, a bruised and slightly twisted knee, and a very small sore spot on my head.  I’ve had my legs elevated and ice on everything.  It looks better…we’ll see how it feels in the morning.  (I really hope I haven’t sent my recovery backward.)  It really doesn’t hurt any longer, I’m hoping it will all just be a bad memory in the morning.

Then to top everything off, I started to put on this oversized t-shirt I like to sleep in, and caught the neckline on my ear!  Yes…that ear!  Hours later and it still hurt.  Luckily, I didn’t rip open the incision.  Sturart says it looks good.  A little red at the bottom, but I think that’s because it’s itching and I keep rubbing spot right under the incision so I won’t scratch it!

So the next time you think about doing something that you know your body really isn’t up to…take it from me…Don’t do it!!

Take care of yourself.

I hope my husband can have a little off time tomorrow or some day very soon.  A friend is coming to visit soon, she wants to give Stuart a little time off….at least a few hours.  (thanks Linda).  I hope he will take it.

What bothers me the most about all of this.  Stuart was already exhausted, then he had to save me, and take a lot of time taking care of me, all because I was just dumb.




19 thoughts on “I am so ‘effing STUPID!

  1. I hope you are feeling better today. We all get to that point, when we’re feeling a bit better, that we have to do something on our own. We just have to.

    Enjoy some time with your friend, tell Stuart to rest and sleep while she is there (now that’s having some control on the situation) and if you have a nap while your friend is visiting, I’m sure she’ll understand you need it right now just as much as Stuart.

    Hugs to you both.


    1. I like that one!
      I have a friend who found a card that said…”What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
      inside she wrote, “You should be the strongest woman alive!”
      thank you for checking on me.


  2. probably a dumb question, but does any org. in your town offer caregiver respite? Sometimes, it’s just to have someone else in the house so the main caregiver can get errands run, or run the errands so that main caregiver dosesn’t have to. I know some specific orgs offer that kind of break for folks involved in caregiving, didn’t know if there was any sort of thing — even through the hospital where you had your surgery done — that might give you both a bit of down time. both before and after your friend’s visit.


    1. I know they have a service you have to pay for like that.
      But with Stuart out of work right now…it’s just not feasible.
      Plus, I’m sure I’ll be able to get around soon, and I’ll pamper HIM then!!

      My friend plans to come for a few days, she’s seeing some docs at Duke too, so between visits.

      Afraid hubby will be a bit over protective, and won’t want to let it go and rest. That has been a problem. He says, yes, I know they could manage, and take care of things…but you aren’t their wife. “You are my wife, and I do NOT want you to go through an attack without me.” You can see where the stress is going to play on him while he’s looking for a job.
      Even when I was better, every time I left the house, he panicked. Finally, that was getting better…and I relapse. My poor poor husband.

      Thank you for thinking of us.
      If this hangs on longer than I think it will, I will see if I can find someone who can come in to help. (and secretly ask his father if he’ll cover the expense.)



  3. I REALLY DON’T see ANYTHING wrong with your story; I am also the the patient from hell and insist on doing things for myself all the time. I can so relate and I’m sure my husband can relate to your husband. Once in awhile we have to shout, have a tantrum, scream, “leave me alone, I can do it” because, well, because we just have to. I know it well. I’m having a handicap bar installed in the bathtub ( a small one) so I can get out of the high bathtub. Hubby wanted me to have a long handicap bar and one in the back and I refused. A small one is enough, it’s really all I could imagine. Do what you have to do, ice your feet, I’m sure they will be fine tomorrow. I can’t admonish you, I would have done the very same thing. I would have wanted my husband to have a respite and I would have wanted to do it alone. Now that you’ve done it, you can be a good patient again…..at least for awhile! hugs, Laurie


  4. I totally get it. Eight days after surgery with no more than a sponge bath, I’m sure, you have to feel clean. You have to feel in control of something. I know you feel at least as bad about troubling Stuart as you do about possibly injuring yourself, but all will will be forgiven I’m sure.

    And do vertigo?

    Hope today is better. 🙂



    1. Wouldn’t it be great to just say…I’m not going to do vertigo?!?! What I meant was, on those days you feel bad…like at times you feel you might have an attack…or days afterward…don’t do something stupid like I did. take care of yourself.

      a bath was just way too dangerous. If I was going to try my independence, and throw a hissy…couldn’t I have picked something a bit less dangerous?

      love to you, wendy


  5. I’m so glad your friend is coming for a few days. Maybe your hubby can just sleep and sleep while she’s there. We all do stubborn, dumb things, I think. I know I have. 😉

    Rather than ask for help I walked to the grocery store a mile away when I lived in Moorhead. Have a muscle damaged left arm I can’t carry, lift, push, pull with…so I try to carry three bags of groceries home with my good right arm…and shred the rotor cuff. Duh! Now I have a bad arm and a not as bad arm. After that…I don’t push things as much anymore. Not that I still don’t somewhat, a little bit, just once in a while–LOL! 😉

    Be good to that hubby. And be good to yourself. :):)


    1. hahaha
      vertigo is much less, but still hanging on…just not like it was. now and then, and not as violent. I can at least move my head! : )

      early Christmas! What a doll!


      1. Glad to hear things are trending toward improvement in the pain and vertigo areas. It’s amazing how grateful we can feel just to not have violent spinning, isn’t it?

        Yes, my husband is awesome, in sickness and in health.

        One more less than perfect day down. Hope tomorrow is even better.


  6. I understand completely. You’re not stupid or crazy. You misjudged where you are in recovery. Wanting more independene is healthy. I still have trouble gauging where I am in the process. Take care and heal up soon. I love the picture.


  7. Oh my 😦 I really hope you are feeing better after this happening ! I know what you mean about stopping yourself from doing things, but iyt is so hard when you finally think you can do things and have so much desire to do it, its almost impossible to stop yourself ! big hugs and hope you keep recovering well x


  8. don’t be so hard on yourself! like a lot of people here have said, we all do it. I just finished recovering from surgery and I can say…I did some pretty stupid stuff while my parents were here taking care of me. Like deciding I could go out shopping after only 4 days! I came home dizzy, nauseas, and so weak I couldn’t move, so don’t worry, you’re not alone in thinking you can conquer the world. 🙂 I do hope you feel better soon!


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