This was actually a prompt on NaBloPoMo in October, I saw it on another’s blog and started to think about it…and realized the answer…Me.
To be more specific, how I feel about me and the things that have been happening to me.
I still love me….but at times I really hate my life. I know that sounds negative, and I don’t mean that I always feel this way…but sometimes…when I get overwhelmed by the losses, the pain, the vertigo….I hate it.
Such a dichotomy. Sometimes I feel there are two of me. There is the person who hates all of this, who just wants everything to return to normal, to be like it used to be. Then, there is the person, who is grateful (yes, grateful) for all that I have learned, the friends I’ve made, the life I have now.
Yes, I have chronic illnesses, I often wish I didn’t. However, they don’t define who I am. I’ve found that some people only think of me in terms of my illnesses now. That’s sad. They can’t see the person I still am, or the better person I’ve become. I do feel I’m a better person now. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a bad person before, but I feel better about myself now. I actually have more confidence, feel like I can make a difference in a person’s life, and I’m more appreciative of what I have.
Do I hate my life…sometimes. But most of the time, no. My illnesses are a part of me. It isn’t all bad. Yes, I have some very bad days. However, I feel closer to my husband than ever. I have a great support system. There is much to be grateful for.
What is between love and hate? Perhaps, acceptance. Accepting that the things I hate and the things I love about me can live together in harmony.
P.S. – Update 2 weeks after the last patches. I think they are working. The spinning is better. I have a bit more energy. Some days are better than others, but over all, I think I’m better. I have been having migraines, but I really think they are more weather related. My hearing hasn’t returned, but to live without the spinning, I’ll learn to live with the loss of hearing.