Today’s Prompt: What happens after you press “publish”. Write about your post-blog-writing process. Do you immediately tweet a link? Email it to everyone? Re-read it for spelling errors?
This is pretty easy for me. I try to read over my post and look at a preview of it before I hit “publish” so I don’t need to review it for errors. Sometimes, I don’t. Sometimes, I’ve spilled so much of me that I can’t bear to read it again at that moment. I need to just get it out, let me and my readers digest it together. If you are a regular reader of mine, you know I’m not the best at catching grammatical errors any way…no matter how many times I read it over.
So, sometimes, I just hit publish and let it ride. Do I immediately tweet it? I used to, but I realized I never look at Twitter, so I felt kind of silly doing it. I used to post it on Facebook. Finally, I decided, that everyone I know knows I have a blog, if they want to read it, they can, if they don’t, that’s OK too. There have been days when I wished that my family and friends didn’t know about my blog. They don’t have a chronic illness, and I don’t want them to only think of me as someone with this or that disease.
So what do I do after I hit Publish? Usually, I view it on my blog to see if it really published. I often have to edit it, because I’ve forgotten to add tags. (I do that a lot.)
Usually, after I publish my post, I try to go through my reader and look at what my friends have posted.
I stated at the end of my last post that I thought the patches worked this time, and I was better. Yes, my hearing is still down, and I’ve been having headaches, but I hadn’t been having vertigo.
That all changed Wednesday.
I woke up feeling like I was catching a cold. My ears and nose were all stuffy, my throat was scratchy, the tinnitus was a bit loud, and well, I just didn’t feel good.
I went down stairs and had some breakfast, took my morning meds, and still, just didn’t feel good. Kind of icky.
I decided to jump on the computer, answer some emails, do a post…. I was in the middle of answering an email when it hit me…the world started to move. (Sorry Susanna, I promise I’ll finish my email to you soon.)
The last time I told about an attack, someone said it was the most terrifying thing they’d ever read….this attack was worse…much worse. (fortunately, this time Stuart was close by, so I didn’t have that panic of being alone and not being able to care for myself. I’m thinking I should do something so I’m prepared if this happens when I’m alone…an emergency kit type of thing….a bucket with, emergency meds, wash cloths….)
As I mentioned I was answering an email, and the world moved….I slumped down on the couch and grabbed for my vial with Valium and Phenergan (for those who might not know, Valium helps control vertigo, and Phenergan is for nausea). Soon I could tell this was getting worse, so I also had a Phenergan suppository. (They often work faster, and you won’t throw it up.)
It was getting worse, I had the hot flush that’s a tell-tell sign that things are going downhill, fast. Or, rather, things will probably be coming up soon.
Every time this happens to me it terrifies me. I’m always afraid it won’t stop. That I will continue to have this horrible vertigo, forever…. I’m so out of control, and so very, very sick. If someone wanted to torture someone, just make them go through one of these attacks, I promise I would tell anyone anything they wanted to know.
I couldn’t focus my eyes, I normally try to have a focal point and do stress reduction techniques, but I couldn’t keep the point in focus, and things were getting worse, the vent in the ceiling began to move across the ceiling, the TV was tilting….. and I had to go to the bathroom, fast! Not to throw up…if you get my drift. It was a rough trip to the bathroom, and when I got back, it got worse. The world started spinning out of control. All I could do was hang on and ride it out…(that makes it sound much easier than it is…it’s hard…very, very hard.)
I started throwing up. Each time I wretched, I wet myself. This is something that has never happened before. (I have had a little pee come out before, because of the intense pressure from throwing up…but not like this.) I was lying in a pool of my own urine. So horrified by what was happening to me, so humiliated. At one point vomit came out of my nose…if this has ever happened to you..I’m so very sorry. Oh how it burns, and you can’t get the smell out.
This attack was different from any I’ve had before, things would start to settle down, then they’d start spinning again…about 2 1/2 hours after the start, I feel asleep. That has always meant that it’s over. But within minutes I was awake again, with the dry heaves were even worse. Finally, things stopped spinning after about an hour later. However, I was still sick to my stomach. The nausea was horrible, and it burned so bad. My head hurt so much, but I was afraid to take anything for it, for fear it would make my stomach feel worse. Again, I had dry heaves, but this was thankfully the last time. Then the diarrhea came again….and again. (this does not normally happen, I do often have it at the beginning, but not after the world stops spinning.)
Through out all of this, I was hot, then I was freezing, hot, cold, hot, cold. I would shiver from cold one moment the next I’d be sweating profusely from the heat.
I rested for a while, absolutely exhausted, but my head hurt so much I couldn’t sleep. I drank a lot, thinking the headache may be worse because I was dehydrated. (after all, I’d been throwing up way past the point of anything being in my stomach, and had diarrhea 3 times.) My head still hurt. I ate a little…and just rested. Finally, I felt I could take something for my head, and it helped, but it didn’t go away. I thought I could finally sleep, then my muscles started to cramp up, my back, my stomach, my whole body had been through so much, my muscles were fighting back. I just wanted to sleep. I took a pain pill, and rested.
Again, I’m so very grateful that I had Stuart here to help me. This was a very scary day, and he was there by my side doing everything he could to make it easier. It makes me cry just to think about how much he must love me to do these things, and to reassure me over and over that he doesn’t mind….”don’t worry, I’ll clean it up.” I cry and say I’m sorry, he reassures me…it’s ok, there’s nothing to be sorry about. I know seeing me like that is also terrifying for him. He does all he can, but he can’t stop it, we have no control over what is happening, and I’m in so much pain. The throwing up until all you do is gag and it feels like my body is trying to turn itself inside out through my mouth…it hurts….oh…it hurts. Instead of showing this, he sits by me and says calming words over and over, like Calm, Peace, Love….the repetition and concentrating on the words, what they mean, it helps. Sometimes it helps more than other times, but it doesn’t hurt.
Often during these attacks, I think…I just want to die. I hate my life. This is not a life.
This time, I started having those thoughts, but I stopped, and kept saying, I accept this part of me. I still love myself. I have this disease that randomly punishes me for no reason, but that doesn’t mean I’m bad. It is a part of me. It’s not what I am.
I can’t say this would work if I had to go through this every day…or even multiple times a week (like I was doing in December and January). That was a dark time. I’d like to think I could handle it better now. But, I’m just not sure.
So, I guess I was wrong. The last set of patches may not have worked. I just don’t know what to think now. Things were so good after the treatment the end of January, why isn’t it working now? I need to have a heart to heart with my doctors and see what my choices are. We may have to reevaluate our plan of action.
This was actually a prompt on NaBloPoMo in October, I saw it on another’s blog and started to think about it…and realized the answer…Me.
To be more specific, how I feel about me and the things that have been happening to me.
I still love me….but at times I really hate my life. I know that sounds negative, and I don’t mean that I always feel this way…but sometimes…when I get overwhelmed by the losses, the pain, the vertigo….I hate it.
Such a dichotomy. Sometimes I feel there are two of me. There is the person who hates all of this, who just wants everything to return to normal, to be like it used to be. Then, there is the person, who is grateful (yes, grateful) for all that I have learned, the friends I’ve made, the life I have now.
Yes, I have chronic illnesses, I often wish I didn’t. However, they don’t define who I am. I’ve found that some people only think of me in terms of my illnesses now. That’s sad. They can’t see the person I still am, or the better person I’ve become. I do feel I’m a better person now. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a bad person before, but I feel better about myself now. I actually have more confidence, feel like I can make a difference in a person’s life, and I’m more appreciative of what I have.
Do I hate my life…sometimes. But most of the time, no. My illnesses are a part of me. It isn’t all bad. Yes, I have some very bad days. However, I feel closer to my husband than ever. I have a great support system. There is much to be grateful for.
What is between love and hate? Perhaps, acceptance. Accepting that the things I hate and the things I love about me can live together in harmony.
P.S. – Update 2 weeks after the last patches. I think they are working. The spinning is better. I have a bit more energy. Some days are better than others, but over all, I think I’m better. I have been having migraines, but I really think they are more weather related. My hearing hasn’t returned, but to live without the spinning, I’ll learn to live with the loss of hearing.