It’s the little things that make me happy right now. I felt so proud of myself today.
I spent the entire day out of bed. I even got my meals for myself…well, all except breakfast, Stuart was making that for me when I got up.
The meals I got for myself were just left overs, but I did it!
I walked by myself, and cleaned myself up…all by myself. (yes, these are things I haven’t been able to do without help.)
I filled 5 pages in my sketch pad today.
My internal clock is still way out of whack. I can’t seem to get to sleep before 3 or 4am. …and then don’t get up until about noon. If I try to get up earlier so I can go to bed earlier, it just doesn’t work. Either, I feel like crap all day, and risk having an attack because I didn’t get enough sleep. Or, I still can’t get to sleep until the wee hours of the morning. Ugh. Guess I’ll talk to my doc about it next time. I hate taking something to help me sleep, but perhaps I could take something for a little while to get my clock back on schedule.
I hope I have more days like today, and continue to feel better. It’s been a rough road lately….but I’m making my way down it.
I feel so guilty. I’ve told so many people about the success I was having after having my CSF leaks fixed. I know of a few people who sought out the treatment because of me. I’m not saying that I’ve given up, or that I think things won’t get better. But right now I’m not sure, and I’m just afraid I made it seem too easy. I think I’ve always let everyone know this is an experimental treatment. However, it was working so well for me. I was normal again. I just want for all of us who have that feeling…being normal. Did I give people false hope?
Even if this treatment ends up not working for me, I have always said, I hope they will learn something from this, and can help others.
Once again, I feel at a loss for the right words to express how I’m feeling.
I’m full of guilt, fear, and anger, yet…I’m still full of hope, and feel like I’ve found a part of me that has been missing for a long time.
I hope you guys understand.