To Blog or Not to Blog….that is the question that has been running through my mind for days.
When I am down I don’t like to unburden myself on others. Should I post about my feelings, doubts, questions, depression….? Or should I just keep quiet. Write in my journal, talk to my hubby…but basically, just keep it to myself?
Guess you know what I picked. Finally.
I decided to spill it, at least to you guys. I have to admit this is hard. Once when I posted something on facebook about how I was feeling, someone asked if I was having a pity party that day. Well, yeah, maybe, but can’t I have one now and then? So what! By the way, what I said wasn’t that pitiful, it was just an observation. Something like: I wonder if I lived alone, and died, how long would it take someone to notice? I had been closed up in my house for a long time, and the only person who I’d been in contact with was my husband. OK, so maybe it was a bit of a pity party.
Today, you are formally invited to a pity party, in honor of ME!
As everyone knows I haven’t been having the best of times for a little while now. I had CSF patches again, 13 days ago. I don’t feel like I’m making that much progress. I’m happy to say I’m not spinning. (although I have come close a couple of times)
My back still hurts. I’m having headaches….a lot of headaches, that don’t seem to be touched with meds. The tinnitus is going up and down, it’s very confusing. I had one day where I could hear out of my left ear. Not perfect of course, but almost back to the way it was a couple of months ago. Just one day…why? When I wake up in the mornings the tinnitus is so much worse…why? After I’m up for a while, I start to get a headache, but the tinnitus gets better….why? It just doesn’t make sense. The tinnitus being worse in the morning after I’ve been lying down all night should mean high pressure, but the headaches after I’ve been up for a while should mean low pressure. I’m so dang confused! And why is my back still hurting? Just on one side, mainly in one place. A place where it really hurt when they were patching. And it itches! One little spot on my back, and I can’t reach it! Thank goodness for getting a back scratcher for my birthday!
Why am I still surprised by how little people reach out? Why does it still hurt when my father doesn’t remember my birthday? It’s not very smart, the same circumstances, the same people, yet I expect a different outcome…yeah, don’t think it’s going to happen. Need to just get over it, and move on. (so why does it still hurt?)
Need to whine a little bit more. My hip is not cooperating lately. I thought it was getting better…(does that seem to be a theme here? thought I was getting better?? hmmm). Now often when I stand it hurts so bad I can’t put my weight on that leg. It aches at night, so it’s even harder to sleep. Of course, the hip is on the back burner right now. When Meniere’s is in the forefront then everything else takes a back seat. Darn it.
Went to the dentist on Monday. I almost barfed when they kept moving that darn chair. I had to take my meds so I could take it. Now I have a temporary crown, I’ll be getting the permanent crown in two weeks. Thank goodness I had some birthday money. I feel bad enough about all the doctor bills I have, but this…ugh.
Now to make you smile. This is not the best picture of me, but, it does show a bit of the orange. (Note, this is after my hair has been washed a few times. It is not as orange as it was.)
Ok, so you can barely see it in this photo. But in real life, my streak was pretty orange. Luckily, it’s starting to look a bit more like strawberry blond. Not too sure that’s a good thing on me…but it’s better than Bozo Orange. : )
So, to sum up: I feel like I really shouldn’t be complaining. I’m not spinning. I remember when I said I would give anything for that, it was all I wanted. Now, I’m being selfish I want more. I want to not have headaches. I want for the tinnitus to be at a bearable level. I want my hip to work right. Am I asking for too much? Possibly. If so, I’ll learn to live with it. As long as the vertigo is gone, I think I can manage. I’ll just have to re-evaluate live, and adjust.
Oh, thought you might like to see a little project that I did. A dear friend of mine’s little girl was celebrating her 10th birthday, and she loves Penguins…so I sent her this card:
Picnic with Ants 
Dearest Wendy, I don’t think you are having a pity party at all. I think it is overwhelming disappointment that you are trying to come to grips with. You had so much success with the last patches, why shouldn’t you have expected the same this time! But it isn’t happening and that is not fair!! You deserve to be feeling better, not like this! It is only natural to be feeling such devasting disappointment after all you have been through. This was supposed to be the fix you could count on. And it isn’t happening.
Maybe you need another myelogram to find out just what is happening. I think a heart to heart with Dr. Gray might be needed.
Hey, my Dad forgot my birthday this year too. And I was in the hospital and he forgot that part also. I have a funny feeling as we age the center of our universe gets smaller and smaller and we tend to miss many important things.
Hang in there gal. You’ve got the best hubby, you’ve got friends who care about you, and you have two Doctors that would move heaven and earth to make you better if they could.
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Wendy, Happy Birthday…I have one coming up next month and I don’t even want to think about it. Getting old is a bitch. (i’ll be 58!!!).
Something was going haywire with my incoming mail and a lot of it was sent to spam right away. I think I fixed it. But, as a result, I wasn;t getting notified of any of your posts, or anybody’s elses. I read all the way back to June just now. Sounds like you’ve been having a lot of problems…I’m sorry.
I did the same thing with my hair once,except it was with permanent dye It was months before it was rght again. Now I’ve noticed that most of my roots are mostly gray. Oh well, I’ll just kep dying it.
http://moisbloggingithink.wordpress.com/2010/07/16/bits-and-bobs/
Hope you feel better tommorow.
mp
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It is perfectly normal to want all of those things! You are human. Give yourself a break and allow yourself to want to feel better because you DESERVE to feel better. You have a lot going on and it is hard to not feel down/depressed/sad. Let those emotions out! Keeping them bottled up doesn’t help!
And I LOVE the hair! I personally think it looks fantastic 🙂
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Everyone deserves the right to a rant, a pity party, a moan! There are going to be bad times as well as good times. Each deserves telling/sharing/shouting out.
Sometimes, when one health issue seems to be better, others become more prominent/noticable. Your world isn’t spinning, so now you’re more aware of other things that aren’t quite right. And, it’s always troublesome when things don’t follow a discernable pattern, or a logical path.
Blogs are for letting out your feelings, your experiences, your fears, and your hopes, your joys, and your sorrows. There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel good and right; when dealing with multiple health issues, it’s only natural to wish that everything was in tune and dancing to a very happy, up-beat melody!
Having dealt with headaches all my life, I know how much they can suck the joy and enjoyment out of life. I have some tinnitus on and off (also sinus-caused noises in my ears), but my hubby has it constantly, and I know it drives him crazy at times. Not sure if he has it more in the mornings; I do know it has made his hearing very sensitive — and since my ears are plugged most of the time, I have no idea how loud I’m speaking! So, I speak at what seems to me like a whisper.(We make quite the pair, lol)
I hope that your other health issues improve. And, that you can find out why certain things are hurting and you are getting headaches.
And, never hesitate to let your fears, sad feelings, disappointments, unhappy thoughts come out in your blog. Folks in the cyberverse will understand; we can empathize based on our own experience, the experiences of folks we know, and because as chronics, we share a common bond.
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Wendy,
Having a pity party is a perfectly legitimate way to deal with things for a bit. We all have pity parties for ourselves, depending on what is going on in our lives. You are dealing with a range of emotions that are brought on by various health issues. And no, you’re not asking for too much. You want to be a healthy, productive member of society, as do we all.
I agree with Linda that it may be time to talk to talk to your doctor and see if what you are now experiencing needs to be checked out further.
As for your dad, I’m sorry he forgot your birthday. It hurts because he is your dad and you could really use some love and support from him. We see how other families are raised and how they treat each other. We wish we could experience the same thing. I’m going through something similar with my half-brother (he’s the only sibling I have), I think the last time I talked to him was when I was home for our mother’s funeral 14 years ago. Our mother raised us to call each other brother and sister but he can’t even do that. Actually introduced me as his step-sister at our mom’s funeral. I don’t know it that was a mistake on his part or if he doesn’t want me as a blood relative, though I’m guessing the latter. I wouldn’t say I ever got over it, but for my peace of mind I accepted that he doesn’t want a relationship with me. I hope you are able to find some resolution, too.
Gentle hugs and healing thoughts to you.
Maureen
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Thanks for sharing with us Wendy : ) As above, we’re always here to listen and offer support!!
You’re allowed to feel sorry for yourself and have a pity party, at least once in a while!! Just one rule… no one is allowed to complain who is not willing to do things to help themselves, even small things!! Try to do something kind for yourself everyday. It can be as big as getting a massage, or as small as saying a few kind and encouraging words to yourself. Every little bit helps. We can really only count on ourselves to make us happy… then when other people make us happy too, it’s a bonus!
Take care Wendy – I hope that you find some relief form all the yucky-ness soon!!
PS I think the hair looks great, too!! 🙂
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Hi Wendy
We all feel poorly about ourselves or our circumstances from time to time. Some more than others. I think if everyone took a long hard look at themselves they would see that most people do tend to see things from the bad side instead of the good. Now, I know from huge experience that there is not much of an upside to Menieres, but today I had a life changing experience. I will put the whole story on my blog (www.faithhopefightingspirit.wordpress.com…I’m not sure why the link doesn’t work through my name…) but it made me look at my life in particular from a different angle, through different coloured lenses. I am so thankful for this new perspective as I really have been having my own pity party lately..slosh head, lack of money, lack of resources, people missing my birthday too, lack of time, lack of energy, exercising but GAINING weight…ugh.
I really admire you Wendy. You have been through TREMENDOUS trials and regularly come out smiling. You remain positive and have endlessly searched for a way out…you haven’t wallowed in your illness and given up. No, you are a fighter…a warrior. You fight the good fight and help others along the way! Don’t ever feel that we can’t help you periodically as well. Hang in there. Stay strong.You will feel better soon!
Deb
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