I hoped I’d never say this again…

my hearing in my left ear has been down dramatically for 4-5 days.  Today, I spent the majority of the day too dizzy to do anything.

Showing how I felt. Artwork by Wendy.

No, I didn’t have full-fledged vertigo, but I came close.  I slept late today, I’ve been doing that a lot lately.  (I don’t feel like I’ve been sleeping very well since my shoulder has been bothering me so much.)  I wake up and just don’t feel that I have the energy to get out of bed, I either just fall back asleep, or get up and soon end up back in bed to sleep a little longer.  Today I got up around 10:30am, ate some breakfast, and started feeling worse and worse.  I staggered back to bed, took some medication, and hoped it would go away.

For the first time since I had the patches in January, I closed my eyes and could see the shadows behind my eyelids slowly rotating.  I was so very tired, and just wanted to sleep, but I couldn’t, because every time I closed my eyes it felt like things were moving.

Finally, around 4pm, I started to feel mostly normal again.

I feel so….oh, I don’t even know what my feelings are right now.  Scared and worried, yet confident that the symptoms can be controlled again.  Perhaps, I have another leak.  Perhaps, they need to patch the last leak.  Perhaps, a patch didn’t hold.  And in the back of my mind I hear, “Yeah, and perhaps you had a 3.5 month reprieve and your are just S.O.L. now.”  As I told a friend of mine today, I feel I need to hope for the best, but expect the worst.  If things turn out well, then that’s a happy time, if not, then I won’t be devastated.

I already feel like this darn disease is controlling my life again.  We were supposed to have a CPR class tonight, and we had to cancel, because of me.  There’s so much I’d like to get done on the house, but that will have to wait.  However, Stuart has done a lot.  We still have a home visit on Thursday, but who knows when we might be able to take a CPR class again.  I’m just so afraid, everything is going to fall apart.  But I must say, if things are going to fall apart, I’d rather it happen now.  I’d hate to have a child and decide we can’t take care of him or her because I’m too sick.  These children have undergone enough losses, they don’t need to get in a home and then lose it too.

I’m going to see Dr. Kaylie, my Oto., tomorrow at 4pm.  We have a call in to Dr. Gray.  She may want to do another lumbar puncture.  Who knows.

I know, I’m jumping the gun.  Dr. Kaylie may look in my left ear and tell me that the infection hasn’t cleared up and that’s what is causing my problems.

All I know is that the last few days have felt just like it does when I’m in acute mode with the Meniere’s.  Things aren’t happy, and I could have an attack at any moment.   There is no doubt in my mind that if I hadn’t taken the Valium and Phenergan when I did, that I would have ended up with a full-blown vertigo attack.

I’ll let you know what the doctor says.


5 thoughts on “I hoped I’d never say this again…

  1. Susanna

    I´m so sorry for you. This is the absolutely worst part of this illness – feeling better and getting hope and than in a minute your hope is taken away. I finally gave up hoping at all when I had been hoping for every new cure I tried and nothing seemed to work. Today I don´t hope that much but I think I´ve managed to see things from an other view. When I have had really good days or weeks and suddenly start feeling worse I think to myself “My body CAN behave well, I don´t know why it has been well this time but I know it CAN and WILL again.” So Wendy – your body has “behaved” since January so the wellbeing Wendy is somewhere inside you and WILL show up again!!!
    I had a bad weekend myself, the first after several months. But I know I´ve been doing too much lately. Conference in Stockholm, meeting others with hearing disabilities and Menières, and after this 5 days away from home learning more signs. (Signs as support for spoken swedish.)I´ve had a great time and new I had to “pay” afterwords, but the paying feels rather unfair!
    I so hope you will start feeling better. Keep on with your plans for being fosterparents. A sometimes ill parent can be a very good parent, too! When I had therapy we talked a lot about my dark thoughts about being a bad mother. I couldn´t fit in to my own thoughts about what a “good mother” is. But being chronical ill and at the same time having children makes our children learn other things. I´ve changed from working away from home to being always home. This has given me the opportunity to meet my children the moment they´ve come from school, to sit down and talk now and then when they´ve wanted to.
    I wish you will have better days coming!


  2. Oh, Wendy, hang in there. Given you don’t know why you had the leaks to begin with, maybe like you said you have another one or a patch has failed. The bright side is you have your doctors nearby and they can get you in sooner rather than later. I’m sure they’ll figure it out. Hang in there and let us know what happens. I will have you on my mind and sending good thoughts your way. I hate this, too!!


  3. Hugs, hugs and more hugs.

    I really hope it’s something as simple as the infection didn’t get cleared up. However, this may be your new “normal”. The good news is you have options and doctors that want to look after you and make you feel better.

    Hope they’re able to figure out what is happening with you.



  4. oh, i really hope this is the infection still messing with you or one of your patches just needs a simple fix. back in february when i had my ear infection, it took me at least 3 weeks to get over it. i stayed dizzy the whole time. if there’s inflammation in there, it could be really aggravating things.

    good look and i’m also sending healing positive vibes your way!!!


  5. deb

    Wendy……..I sure hope you feel better soon. I have had a bad couple of weeks too so hang in there. I liked what Susanna said with knowing your body can and will behave. I am sure this is just a bump in the road. You were symptom free for months…..that’s not a coincidence. You will be well again. We both will! Don’t be discouraged friend!
    Deb 🙂


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