What you are about to read is very personal. I’m not even sure if I should be writing it. Please, do not judge me, and do not pity me. I will get through this, but I hit a big bump in the road today…and found out it was a sink hole. It’s going to take some work to pull myself out. But I know I can.
Do you ever have one of those days when you wonder if it’s even worth it?
Yeah, you know what I mean. The thing you don’t dare talk about.
How can I think that way? My life isn’t that bad. There are so many people who have lives that are so much worse than mine….but maybe, just maybe, they are stronger than I am. Or maybe I just want to feel like someone who can do something is listening.
I had the most lovely dream last night, I won’t go into the details. My husband just doesn’t understand why I let dreams get to me so much. It’s just a dream…but I know it’s my subconscious trying to tell me something. Some way to help.
Then I woke up, and realized that I was still here. And dang it, I can’t hear again. Then Stuart tells me that he talked to Dr. Gray’s appointment scheduler, and they were trying to get me in sometime in January, but it just doesn’t look like it’s going to work and they don’t have their February calendar open yet. What? It’s the middle of January, and you can’t give me a February appointment? That is just too frigging unbelievable to me. And yes, I know that they are busy, but I’ve been trying to get someone to help me since December 4th.
Well, everything went a bit down hill from there. And again, I won’t go in to any more details. But today has been a very bad day. After my complete melt down, I tried to sleep. I kept waking up. I was having the weirdest dreams…these dreams I don’t think meant anything. They were just weird. One dream, I was stuck looking at a recipe on how to make Sauerkraut. I know how to make Sauerkraut. I just told my husband today that I needed to start a new batch tomorrow, but I don’t think I needed to just stare at the recipe for the whole time I was asleep. Another dream, I missed jury duty because Stuart told me it was the wrong date, and they were going to arrest me. In that same dream dog poop was legal tender. They didn’t understand what checks were. I was so confused, and so grossed out at the same time. (but dogs were treated very well)
I’ve cried so much today that I feel like I have blisters around my eye lids.
I scared my husband today. I feel so bad. I do wonder if it is really all worth it. I very logically think. The problem is with me. If I were not in the picture the problem would be gone. Simple. He completely freaked. I’ve never seen him so freaked out. My husband is always so calm and collected. When I’m having an attack and thinking the world is ending he is my rock, and I saw the rock cracking.
I guess the problem wouldn’t be gone for him, not like I thought it would, I just never believed anyone could care for me that much. I need to realize just how it would hurt him more if I were not here. I may be a lot of trouble, but I’m his trouble, and he’s much more willing to deal with that than dealing with not having me here. My mother died over 17 years ago and I grieve for her every day. I never want my husband to hurt that bad, and I saw that horror in his face today. I have to find a way to deal with all of this better than I have been.
Some days I feel so strong. I feel like I can handle anything. Then other days it will only take a feather to knock me over. On most days I will think, how could I even think about such a thing? But then everything will just come crashing down again. I don’t feel like I hold things in. That I don’t allow myself to feel. But my husband and therapist say I do, then everything comes down at once.
Things will get better for a while now. I know they will. But I really need to be careful and not let things build back up like this.
Stuart and I are going to work very hard to find an outlet for us. To try to not stay cooped up in the house all the time. We need to find a place where we feel safe, welcome, and where there are people who have similar interests that we do.
Please, don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I have a good support group to help me. I’m only writing about this, in case it may help someone else who may have some of these feelings.