I’m having one of those days that I don’t usually talk about.

Normally, I talk about having Meniere’s Disease.  I don’t talk much about my other chronic conditions.

Today, PMDD has taken hold and is screaming at me.   It tries to scream at me a lot, but I try so very hard to keep it under control.

For those who don’t know PMDD is Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.  To see a list of the symptoms here’s a link to an article on Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Premenstrual_dysphoric_disorder  To sum it up in a very short and nowhere near complete explanation.  PMDD is like having very severe PMS from the time of ovulation until after your period starts.  So I have about one week a month that I feel ok.

If you read the symptoms you may recognize a few things that I say about myself.  Some I just don’t talk about.  I just read over the list again, and I have pretty much every symptom on that page.

This month has been especially difficult.  One reason, we haven’t been able to find a medication that helps me very much with this, and I don’t want to start a new drug while all the Meniere’s stuff is happening.  How would I know if it’s side effects from the meds or Meniere’s symptoms.

I don’t know if being Bi-Polar makes having PMDD worse, or more likely, or what; but it scares me.  The emotional upheaval caused by PMDD can make me feel like I’m having Bi-Polar symptoms, and I sure don’t want to go back there.

Today I started my period, over a week and a half early.  Very bad cramps, and I want to throw something, just to hear it break!

As you all know, if you’ve ever read my blog before, my husband is a dear sweet man, but today, I don’t want him anywhere near me.  He tries to comfort me…and I just cringe.  I feel like screaming, “Don’t touch me!!”  So far I haven’t, but I have let him know, today is not the best day.

I was trying to do some art work.  Thought it might calm me down.  As I’m drawing I realize just how guilty I feel about EVERYTHING!  It overwhelms me.  Then all of a sudden, I just don’t care.  I don’t care if I get better.  I don’t care if I get worse.  I don’t care if I eat, or if I eat right.  Stuart asked me something, many times today for some reason, and all I could think was…I just don’t care.  What ever.

I feel very apathetic.

I can’t help but feel part of this is also because of everything else that’s going wrong in my life right now.  All the treatments for the Meniere’s that just don’t seem to be working.  Stuart losing his job, and everything that means.  Me feeling so much worse….

Then this.

But you know, I just don’t care.  Tomorrow I probably will.  But today.  Not so much.  Sometimes I think I talk a good game.  I try to be very strong and positive.  And sometimes I wonder how much of it’s true and how much I’m trying to convince myself.  The power of positive thinking and all that.  Yeah…not today.  Today it would just take too much energy to care.

oh, and my head hurts again.  Oh joy.  *yes there is a lot of sarcasm intended there.*

This is not a pity party, this is a I just don’t give a crap any more party.