As I’ve written about before, I have vestibular migraines, with Migraine Associated Vertigo (MAV). It is hard to diagnose this type of migraine,it’s also very difficult to figure out if your vertigo is coming from MAV. I came across this article the other day and thought it was worthy of sharing.
Following are the Symptoms they talk about, please go to the actual article to read about each of these in detail.
1. You have a personal or family history of migraine.
2. You experience vestibular symptoms in the presence or absence of a migraine headache.
3. Your vestibular symptoms vary in their severity over time.
4. In an episode, you experience other classic migraine symptoms.
5. Your symptoms increase with exposure to known migraine triggers.
6. Your vestibular symptoms significantly reduce your quality of life.
It seems appropriate that I’m writing this on the eve of a new year, what better time to look toward the future?
For me, contemplating the future is more than a little scary…. let’s just say my anxiety about it has been more than I ever thought was possible.
After my illnesses changed my life, I learned about Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), it struck me how it has helped many people in many aspects of life, but mostly I was struck by how much it often helped people who are ill. I had already learned of mindfulness during my studies in Buddhism, and while practicing yoga, but I admit I didn’t practice it regularly.
Over the last few years I’ve learned more and more about mindfulness, as I continued to studied Buddhism and MBSR, I’ve worked hard to live my life in the moment. I don’t dwell in the past, (all of that is gone)…. I don’t worry about the future, (that hasn’t been written yet)…I try hard to live in this very moment, because that is all we truly have.
Yes, at times I still have moments when I get upset that I can’t do what I used to, and get upset about what might happen…but I don’t dwell on it.
Then we started making plans… how we are going to try to make things better for me….decisions about this unknown future, decisions that I have to make. Suddenly, I HAVE to look at the future. I HAVE to think about it. And it really scares me. Suddenly, I’m scared about being like this forever. I thought I had accepted that and was okay with it. Not that I was giving up, just that I accepted things if they didn’t change. At least that’s what I thought, but actually, I thought I was going to be like this forever, I had come to terms with it, and now, that may change. Now, I suddenly have options….plans. I am having a very hard time not being anxious about the future. I’m even thinking about things from the past. I keep thinking about all that I can’t do now, and how much my life has changed, and I keep wondering, could I get some of that back? The main thing I know is that, I don’t want to lose myself in this quest to get better. I don’t want to be afraid. If I don’t get better, I need to know that’s not the end of the world. I don’t want to start having to accept all of this all over again.
Each day I have begun to get more and more upset about things I simply can’t do. As usual, most days all I can do is go from the bed to the chair in the living room. But I tried hard not to let this get to me before. I tried hard to make the most out of every moment…no matter what. I’m trying now….but I am not doing as well as I have been. Then I hear the voice in my head….Be Gentle With Yourself. and I Breathe. I am doing the best I can. Yes, I’m a bit overwhelmed right now. Everything is changing, all of a sudden, it’s going to take me a minute to keep up with it….deep breath….and I must remember, it still has to happen one moment at a time.
Okay, let’s move on from this and let’s talk about what the plan for my future is right now.
I was going to write a post right after my visit with the new ear doctor here in town, but I decided to wait until after the tests and the results. I was supposed to get those yesterday, but I had to reschedule my appointment, guess who was too sick to go? Surprised? I’m not….I have cancelled so many appointments because of vertigo, you just can’t imagine.
So, I’ll give you a break down of what is going on as of now…..
I saw the new ear doctor here. So far he seems pretty good, I was impressed with his knowledge about Meniere’s, and he is very willing to work with the doctor from John Hopkins. He suggested I start taking a low dose of Valium twice a day to try to keep my vestibular system calm. He wants me to keep track of how much Sodium I’m eating. (Okay, I laughed at that. I know I don’t intake much sodium but since I haven’t been keeping a record he was not convinced. I have been eating a low sodium diet for years, I know how much sodium is in almost everything, I don’t eat processed foods, and if I eat out I order everything without seasoning….yes I know that is boring, but it is safe with all of my food issues. So I tracked my food since I saw him, I admit I was curious too, the results? I normally consume just under 1000mg a day, I haven’t been over 15o0mg in any given day. They say a low sodium diet is 2000mg a day. I don’t think I have a problem there.) I’m starting vestibular therapy on January 12th, we’re going to start training my eyes and body to balance without my ears. I am to continue working with my headache specialist to get my migraines under control. We will talk more about killing off the balance center after doing all of this and seeing if it helps. Also after seeing the results of the vestibular testing I went through, we want to see if one of my ears is close to being dead already, if so we may go ahead and kill that one off, it may be causing much more trouble than the other.
(just let me say, I’ve been through these tests before and it wasn’t so very bad the first time, this time, it was absolute torture. I cried. I am not that kind of person. If my husband hadn’t been back there with me, I don’t know how I would have gotten through it. The person giving the tests told my husband she thought I was suppressing, because some things that should bother everyone I was not showing too much of a response on. I thought that was strange. I didn’t feel like I was suppressing, but after I’ve been going through this for so long, I’m sure I automatically try to not have vertigo when it is coming on. I didn’t throw up, I almost did, I had cramps like dry heaves were coming, but no vomit. Yay! it really takes a lot to make me throw up now. I rarely throw up during an attack now. I get really nauseous, but I rarely throw up. I always thought it was the meds. Heck it’s already ruined my teeth and caused burns in my esophagus, I’m very happy it stopped. Anyway….I’m very interested to find out the results of the tests, and upset I didn’t get to go yesterday.)
He does think my Meniere’s is definitely autoimmune. Not that I want an autoimmune disease, but it does explain a lot. Most of my doctors have felt I have symptoms that lead to one, but haven’t been able to put their finger on it. I just have so much going on, and everything gets worse with stress, and gets better with steroids. I often run a fever and no one can find a reason. I have a marker for an auto-immune disease, but the one I have a marker for I do not test positive for….however, that is a red flag that I could have another. They believe they simply do not have a test for the autoimmune disease I have, or I don’t test positive for it. Like a friend of mine, has rheumatoid arthritis, but he always tests negative for it. It is visible on all scans and he responds to treatment, but the test for it comes back negative. So, in other words, we can’t prove it, but it is thought that it is an autoimmune disease, at least in my case.
So, there is the plan for now. I don’t know what will happen. How it will change. Or anything right now.
I feel that there will be a lot of change around the corner.
The future is scary, but it holds promise, and hope…..something I haven’t had in a long time.
A couple of months ago I applied to be seen at the vestibular clinic at John Hopkins Hospital. My records were sent, and an appointment was set up for December 27th, then it was moved up to December 11th. I must say, that was just fine with me.
I was scheduled to have a hearing test, and an Electonystagmography (ENG) test before seeing the doctor, but the doctor had to leave at 2pm (before my original appointment time) so he wouldn’t see the test before he left, so we asked if I could take the test at home. You see, I had to stop any medication that might help with vertigo attacks before the Electonystagmography (ENG) test, if I didn’t have to stop these medications while out-of-town, I sure didn’t want to. They said no problem, and I sure was glad. I spent all of Thursday with vertigo, it was slow but it was there, I can’t imagine what it would have been like if I hadn’t been able to take my meds. I also had an attack right before my appointment on Friday. I had very little balance when I saw the doctor and my vision still wasn’t clear. So he saw me when I was not doing well. I think that’s a good thing. How many times have you been to the doctor and all of your symptoms just magically disappear right when you get there? That is so frustrating.
When we walked into the Outpatient Clinic it was like walking into an airport. You checked into the front desk, we both got arm bands to prove we belonged there. There were all kinds of signs and lines and directions, it was a bit to take in all at once. Stuart said we were told where the elevators were (no I couldn’t hear much in there) and off we went. When we got where we were supposed to be, I was very impressed that the check in and out areas were looped. If you don’t have hearing aids of CI’s you won’t understand that. If your hearing aid or CI has a telecoil setting, then the hearing loop provides a magnetic, wireless signal that is picked up by the hearing aid or CI when it is set to ‘T’ (Telecoil) setting, and the person using that setting can hear the voice right in their ear, no background noise or anything…it is really cool. So, we checked in and were told to go to the little waiting room in the back….that’s when it started to look like just a normal hospital setting. The little waiting room, wasn’t all that little, but it wasn’t all that big either. We were early, because I HATE to be late. My first appointment was to get a hearing test…(snicker). But soon a very soft spoken woman came out and said the doctor wanted to see me first, at least that is what Stuart told me she said, I had no idea. She took my vitals, she asked for my weight and height…I got it mixed up as to which one she asked for first, because I couldn’t hear her and I was guessing. Soon the doctor came in…..
We talked a bit about my history and he gave me some tests while in his office. A bit of touching my finger to my nose and then to his hand, turning my hand over and over….ect. Some I could do okay, some I had trouble with. Then he said he was sorry but needed to shake my head a bit. I did not do well with that one. I had to look at his nose while he shook my head. One time when he shook my head Stuart said he saw my eyes jerk, he said it was “kinda freaky”. The doctor asked me to stand up and I staggered a bit, he said never mind, sit down, be careful. I guess that answered that test.
He then said he wanted me to have the hearing test and come back in to see him. So I went out. I still thought it was kind of funny getting a hearing test because I’m deaf. I can hear a tiny bit in my right ear, but it is so little you may as well say, I can’t hear anything. Soon the doctor comes to the waiting room and said, the Audiologist said that since I have cochlear implants she couldn’t give me a hearing test. Yes, I kind of giggled inside. Stuart told them over on the phone that I had CI’s and a hearing test was kind of unnecessary, but they said it was ordered. Then the doctor said they could do the ENG test that I was originally scheduled for now, so he could see it. Well, I had just taken meds to help me, since I was really sick after the test he performed. I told him, that and how it said I wasn’t supposed to take any meds for like that for 48 hours before the test, and I’d already taken it twice that day. He agreed the test might not be accurate under those circumstances. Oops, kinda wish I hadn’t taken my meds, but then again, I really don’t want to be so far from home when I have that test done. I just know I’m going to be sick.
The ENG will show how much vestibular function I have left in each ear. That’s pretty important right now…..because here’s what he thinks and the plan……
He said, it is obvious I have damaged vestibular function, it is just a question of how much, and how much in each ear. He said he believes that, yes I have Meniere’s Disease, and Vestibular Migraines, and he said I have balance issues caused from getting my Cochlear Implants. I noticed before, my vertigo got worse after getting my CI’s, but no one ever said that they could have caused some of it.
He said we have to treat these in different ways. One is to get my migraines under control. He likes that I’m seeing a Neurologist that specializes in headaches, so I’ll continue to see her and try to get the migraines more under control. If we can’t do this, I may be taking another trip to John Hopkins to the Headache Clinic for evaluation. The next thing he said was, I need to have vestibular rehabilitation to train my body and brain to balance without my ears. He also said, we need to kill my balance system in my ears. We plan on doing this with gentamicin shots in both ears. How much I need to have depends on the results of the test, one ear may already be dead, who knows…we just don’t know how damaged they are yet.
I will be seeing a new otolaryngolgist here in Charlotte on Wednesday, the 16th, and we will discuss all of this, and set up getting the test that the doctor at John Hopkins wants. They will confer with each other on a treatment plan. I guess, It will also be good getting a 3rd opinion. The one from my doctor at Duke, the one from John Hopkins, and now let’s see what this doctor thinks. This doctor knows I have been to John Hopkins and they will be conferring with each other.
There are a few questions I forgot to ask. I know many of you are thinking….”You should have written them down.” I did, really, I did. But I wrote it on the paperwork they gave me, and I gave it to them…I didn’t have it after that….duh. So I’m going to ask the new doctor. It’s only a couple of things. Nothing that would really change the plan I think. I just want to know if they think my Meniere’s could be autoimmune, since it reacts so well when I am on steroids; and I’d like to know if they can answer why when I breathe in through my mouth, or drink anything cold or hot I feel it in my right ear. That’s just weird.
I know I forgot to ask him these things because he was telling me things that had been thinking for a long time. I actually asked for this treatment from my doctor. But he wouldn’t do it. He said it was too destructive and I could be so disabled I wouldn’t be able to do anything….ect. The doctor at John Hopkins looked at me and said, “more disabled than you are now?” He then asked if I had been given vestibular rehabilitation, and we told him no, that I asked for it, but my doctor had said that things fluctuated so much he didn’t think it would help. He frowned, and said, he thought I could benefit a lot from vestibular rehab….so as I said before, we plan to do that first. I went into the appointment with no expectations. Actually, I expected them to tell me there was nothing they could do. I had no real hope. I told the doctor this, he said….No, don’t give up hope. I explained, if I came in there thinking he was going to fix me and then he couldn’t do anything I would have fallen apart, if I came in there with no expectations, I would be thrilled if he could do anything. He liked that. We talked a bit more, and he insured me he would consult with my doctor here and answer any questions, and if I came back up there he would be happy to see me. Then when I left he shook my hand and told me that it was a true honor to meet me. That shocked me. I told him it was so very good to meet him and thanked him profusely. and went on my way.
A little about the trip itself…….The trip up to John Hopkins was pretty uneventful. We stopped by Duke to pick up films that I’ve had done….you know, MRI’s, and such. When we went through Washington, I saw the White House, the Jefferson Memorial and the National Monument in the distance. I’ve been to Washington before and have seen those things up close, but it is still kind of magical to me. I don’t know why. Driving into Baltimore, it seemed so BIG. The GPS told us to go straight when we should have gone to the right to get to our hotel and we ended up in a very sad part of town. The buildings were mostly boarded up, yet there were a few businesses here and there. I can’t imagine how they would ever do any business. One place we passed there were a lot of nice cars parked on the road, and one burnt out car right in the middle of them. Soon we made it back to our hotel. It was just a very sad detour.
On Wednesday night…well I guess it was Thursday morning…Stuart shook me awake at 5am. I thought, we don’t have to be anywhere, why is he waking me up. I read his lips… FIRE! I was awake then!! He pointed to the alarm. The Fire Alarm was going off. I jumped up and put on enough to get out of the hotel…it was very hard for me to go down 3 flights of stairs!! We were all out on the street and almost immediately there were 2 fire trucks on the scene. No fire. I never found out what happened. I could not climb back up those stairs, and it took a while for them to turn the elevator back on so we had a bit of a wait. That was fine with me. I was very impressed that the fire department got there so fast. The scariest part for me, if Stuart had not been in the room I never would have known there was a fire alarm going off. I would have slept right through it.
Well, we had an adventure! I told Stuart when we got back to the room, that with all this stress, I still hadn’t had a vertigo attack…that was amazing….so, we were moving to Baltimore. But I spoke too soon. Of course, I woke up with one the next day….and it lasted all day….but I spoke about that earlier in this post.
I was a bit disappointed that we didn’t get to do anything while we were there. The one day I felt good, we wasted because 2 of my shirts didn’t get packed so I didn’t have enough clothes. Curses. The next day if I had felt well, we were going to do something. We planned to go to the Aquarium, it wasn’t far from where we were staying. However, of all the sites in Baltimore that there are to see…..after all it is home to one of my favorite poets, Edgar Allen Poe…I really wanted to see Charm City Cakes. Yes, I wanted to go see a Bakery! I didn’t even care if I went inside, I just wanted to see the building. It is the bakery from the show Ace of Cakes….that isn’t on any more.
Duff Goldman – photo courtesy of Food Network
Duff Goldman started it..still owns it, has a second one in LA now. He is often on the Food Network. They do spectacular work, and I was just a huge fan of that show, and I just love Duff. I could just eat him up. I love the story behind his life, and I love his personality. I regret that we didn’t at least drive by Charm City Cakes. Yes, I am a goof. I was sick, had a migraine, couldn’t focus worth a toot, had about 8 hours on the road ahead of me…and I regret that I didn’t stop by and see a bakery. But hey, what is life without the little things?
I wanted to share with everyone that I’m featured in an article in Everyday Health. It is titled How Vertigo Changed My Life. I am one of two women featured in the article. I’m thrilled that Dr. Sanjay Gupta, felt that the impact that vertigo can have on a person’s life needs to be brought to the attention of the public. The general population does not know much about vestibular disorders, you just don’t hear about us very much. There aren’t commercials for medications that will help us, or anything like that. Vestibular disorders are kind of confusing, even to a lot of doctors. I’m honored, and thankful that they asked me to be a part of this article.
I hope you enjoy the article. It’s a short read. Please let me know what you think.
It’s very hard for me to start writing again after I have been away for so long. Especially after I wrote 2 posts that I am very proud of right before I had to go away. Why did I go away? Because my symptoms have been worse than usual. Specifically my migraines.
Me with Migraine and Minor Vertigo by w holcombe
I won’t go into a lot of detail about what happened to me specifically. Let’s just say, my migraines have been off the charts. Lights hurt, Sounds hurt, Smells hurt….yes – Smells Hurt! I’ve spent many days in the dark, without my cochlear implants on, filled with medication to make it so I wouldn’t throw up (it didn’t always work), and some days I had to wear a mask to help keep out any smells that were coming in (and we keep our house as scent free as possible). I’ve also had a lot of Migraine Associated Vertigo (MAV), or Vestibular Migraine, during this time. (you can read more about MAV on the Vestibular Disorders Association Site…just click here.) I have chronic migraines. Having chronic migraines means you have at least 15 migraines a month for at least 3 months a year. (normally, you have migraines more days than you don’t)
A lot of people think migraines are “just a headache”, they aren’t. So I’d like to take a little time to talk about migraines.
Headache migraines are moderate to severely painful, get worse with physical activity, are throbbing and often worse on one side, cause a sensitivity to light, sound, smell and last 4-48 hours (or more) without treatment. If you have any of these symptoms, please talk to your doctor. You do not have to have all of these symptoms to be classified with migraines, you can have a few. There are also different types of migraines. You might want to learn a bit about the different types of migraines…there is a list..here…with definitions and all that kind of stuff.
One in 4 households has a member with a migraine disorder.
Migraine is 3 times more common in women than men, and will affect 30% of women over a lifetime.
The World Health Organization places migraine as one of the 20 most disabling medical illnesses on the planet. Chronic migraines are even more disabling. Yet it is almost impossible to get disability due to migraines. If you have another condition and you can add migraines to it, they might listen to you, but when I filed, they were hesitant to even mention my migraines, even though they are extremely disabling.
Those with migraine are more likely to have depression, anxiety, sleep disorders, other pain conditions, and fatigue.
There is no cure for migraine. Treatments are aimed at reducing headache frequency and stopping individual headaches when they occur. And constantly trying to find the right medications with the fewest side effects to help with this goal.
Prophylactic treatments (to reduce headache frequency) may include avoidance of migraine triggers, medications, physical therapies and behavioral therapies. This is great if you can figure out your triggers. Also, if your trigger is weather related, how are you going to avoid that? I can’t stop the weather from changing.
Abortive treatments (taken when a patient has a headache) include over-the-counter pain relievers and prescription medications. This is great, but you can’t take too many of these because they will cause medication overuse headaches (rebound headaches). See more information below. I am constantly aware of this and often afraid to take medication even though I’m in severe pain because I don’t want to go through withdrawal symptoms.
Prophylactic medications reduce headache frequency by 1/2 in only about 40% of patients who take these medications. And the 60% just suffer??
Medication side effects often limit the use of migraine medications. Oh yes. I know this very well. Severe itching, causing severe stomach pain, heart palpitations, constipation, diarrhea, tingling in my extremities, a change in what things taste like (the last two I put up with until the medication stopped working), Rocesea, low blood pressure…..It’s kind of scary sometimes isn’t it?
I only just touched on the surface of migraines. There are many different types of migraines. I haven’t even talked about all the symptoms I have.
I would like to talk a little bit more about the treatments.
Many of us cannot get the amount of medication we need each month because our insurance will only cover a certain amount. Insurance companies will often only allow only 9 pills of triptans per month, this is an abortive medication. Sometimes I have to take 2 when I have a migraine. That would only cover 4.5 migraines. If it covered 9 migraines that wouldn’t be as bad, but if you need to take 2 for a migraine, you are in big trouble. This medication works best if you take it as soon as you feel a migraine coming on. Everyone I know always waits until they absolutely have to take it because they don’t want to waste those pills. This is so sad. Ideally we don’t have to take more than 9 abortive medications in a month, but that is in an ideal world. Of course, taking to many will cause medication overuse headaches….discussed below.
It’s best if you have a preventative medication, this will reduce or eliminate most of your migraines, if it works. Unfortunately, we haven’t found a preventative medication that works for me. I have had some work for a while, then they stop. We are constantly trying new things. Until then, I’m afraid to take my medication, until I know my migraine is to the point I can’t deal with it on my own. And that is often too late for the drug to work properly. It’s a Catch 22.
We also have to worry about Medication Overuse Headaches, formerly known as Rebound headaches. Defined by the Mayo Clinic “Rebound headaches (medication-overuse headaches) are caused by regular, long-term use of medication to treat headaches, such as migraine. Pain relievers offer relief for occasional headaches. But if you take them more than a couple of days a week, they may trigger rebound headaches.
It appears that any medication taken for pain relief can cause rebound headaches, but only if you already have a headache disorder. Pain relievers taken regularly for another condition, such as arthritis, have not been shown to cause rebound headaches in people who never had a headache disorder.”
For extensive information on Rebound Headaches, The Migraine Trust has a great article titled Medication Overuse, it if very informative. If you have headaches of any kind, and find yourself reaching for medication more than 10 days a month, I encourage you to read this article. This can also include the use of caffeine.
Another issues migrainers face is that we are often labeled drug seekers. I can’t even take narcotics. I have had a migraine that has been so bad I couldn’t see and was throwing up, but would not go to the ER, because I know how so many friends have been treated so poorly there. They have put them aside and just tell them they aren’t going to give them any drugs. I don’t want narcotics. There are specific migraine medications that I want. Luckily, my doctor has taught my husband how to give me those shots so I have them at home. I’m in the minority, I’m a very lucky patient. I am able to see a neurologist who specializes in headaches. There are very few of these doctors. Most people with migraines have to go to a neurologist who see people with many types of neurological conditions, my doctor is very specialized. All she does is headaches. It’s great. She is working very hard to get my headaches under control.
That’s all I have to tell this time around. I have a lot more I’d like to share….not about migraines, at least not right away *smiles*, I hope I can come back very soon.
If I don’t get back before tomorrow…oh who am I kidding, I’m not going to get back before tomorrow….
I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving! And I want you all to know how very Thankful I am for you. You are pretty darn special to me.
Thank you all for the outpouring of support and encouragement about my blog and writing and well just me being me.
The comments here and on Facebook, emails….well, everywhere…I was overwhelmed by the love!
I’m sorry I haven’t posted before now….I’ve had some bad and ugly days recently….there’s been come good and pretty times in there too, maybe not whole days, but I’ll take it!!
First right before I went to the appointment I’m about to talk about, I broke my pinky toe. Yep, I mean within the hour before, I caught my toe on my nightstand and OUCH!! I saw stars and everything. Pretty little stars. *snort* It’s been a while now…it is still slightly sore, but it has all healed, finally!! It did mess up walking on my hip a bit though….same leg. But I didn’t fall!! Good thing!!!
I was very excited the beginning of June I saw a new neurologist here in Charlotte. She runs the Carolinas Headache Clinic in Matthews, NC…so it really isn’t in Charlotte, but it is so close it may as well be. The first appointment I had with her she spent over 2 1/2 hours with me. I don’t know if that is her normal time for a new patient or not. I know she sets aside a longer appointment for a new patient, but I was also her last patient for the day so she took her time. She gave me a very thorough exam and we talked at length about my medical history. She was very interested. I was very impressed. I love my neurologist at Duke, who also specializes in headache pain (my doctor at Duke recommended this doctor, they know each other well).
As much as I have loved my doctor at Duke, I think this doctor will be able to really concentrate on me more. She won’t be so over whelmed with all the influx of patients from the system at Duke. (I hope that makes sense) The doctor here is very interested in my Chronic Persistent Daily Headaches. (I have a headache all the time, it ranges from about a 3-5 on a scale of 0-10 pain scale, I have had this headache since I was 11 years old, right after my first migraine) She believes if we can break this headache then we can break the migraines and cluster headaches. Wouldn’t that be nice?
She started me on a new medication, it was to hopefully help with the daily pain of my head and my all over pain. Unfortunately, it hasn’t worked. However, I don’t think we can judge it fairly. I am on a drug called Limbrel, this helps with inflammation and I had problems getting my prescription for over a month. (long story short…the doctor faxed in the prescription but the pharmacy said they never got it…this happened over and over, finally they got it straight…why it took so long, well I have no idea, but I finally have it! 3 months worth, thank goodness. I had no idea how much this was helping my joints and all over pain, I was having trouble typing my joints in one of my hands were hurting so much.)
The past month has been filled with the worst migraines. Let me give you a little run down….Out of the last 25 days I’ve had 22 migraines, 1 cluster headache, and 15 attacks of vertigo. On July 2nd a vertigo attack started around 3pm and lasted until after 3pm on July 3rd. (July 2nd was my birthday…I will just have to celebrate 364 Un-birthdays!! Want to have a Mad Hatter Tea Party with me??)
Can you guess why I haven’t been posting? Or reading my dear friend’s blogs?
I admit the depression took hold of me and jerked me around a bit. I think I had some reasons, even if I didn’t have Bipolar I disorder, but I admit my emotions do go a bit extreme because of my illness. The demons didn’t knock on the door, they busted it down! For a while there I thought I was lost. I was drowning, big time. I was having panic attacks, heck I’m still having a few of those. I’ve been having trouble going out of the house again for few of having attacks. I hadn’t been doing my mindfulness practice…except during vertigo attacks, and sometimes not then, sometimes I would completely freak out. (however, I’m relieved to say that most of my vertigo attacks have been mild, by that I mean slow rotation, they haven’t been rapid spinning….but I won’t go into detail about what they were like. Just know they aren’t as scary. However, I will just say….they are exhausting.)
I’ve been trying hard to pull myself out of the depression. The odd thing about this, the medication that the neurologist put me on is actually an antidepressant. I was really hoping it would help with this too. However, I think the fact that I was in a lot of pain, and had so many headaches and vertigo when the medication I was taking was supposed to be helping…well this was making me more depressed. Makes sense right? Plus I have a few other things going on in life that are stressing me out too.
Recently I’ve been diving into my mindfulness studies again, and trying to meditate. Meditation doesn’t fix things, but it just makes me be here. I was so caught up in the fact that I was in pain, that is where I was, I was hurting, angry, sad, scared, did I mention angry…oh you would not believe the anger that was popping up! wow! I hate it for Stuart the past few weeks. At least he couldn’t hear the even more snappy things I was saying in my head. ewww.
something I need to remember
So, I’m focusing on just being here. I’m taking a lot of deep breaths, and I’m just trying to be me.
On a different note….I’m in physical therapy now to help my hip get a bit stronger and have more range of motion. I have a day in the gym one day a week and a day in the pool one day a week. The pool is wonderful. However, I’ve had to miss a few sessions because of the pesky vertigo. The last PT session, the therapist really showed me that I am not as strong as I thought I was, she kicked my butt!! Whew! However, I’m afraid that the new exercises that I have been doing have aggravated the back injury. I have been in so much pain. The sciatic nerve has been shouting at me. It’s not just yelling on my left side now, it’s screaming on both sides. I’ll talk to her at my next session tomorrow. I may have to go see the spine doc again.
Well….I can’t think of much more to say today.
I don’t know if I’ve covered good, bad, ugly…and a little pretty, or not. But there is some of all in my life.
Good….focusing more on mindfulness again.
Bad….vertigo, migraines, back pain…being really mad there for a while.
Ugly…umm, vertigo sometimes, and you don’t want to see my face when she’s kicking my butt in PT. hahaha
Pretty….My new headache doctor, she’s really pretty – but not as pretty as my Physical Therapist, oh my! The feelings I get from both my new headache doc and my PT.
As I’ve written about before, I have vestibular migraines, with Migraine Associated Vertigo (MAV). It is hard to diagnose this type of migraine,it’s also very difficult to figure out if your vertigo is coming from MAV. I came across this article the other day and thought it was worthy of sharing.
is forever. I thought I had accepted that and was okay with it. Not that I was giving up, just that I accepted things if they didn’t change. At least that’s what I thought, but actually, I thought I was going to be like this forever, I had come to terms with it, and now, that may change. Now, I suddenly have options….plans. I am having a very hard time not being anxious about the future. I’m even thinking about things from the past. I keep thinking about all that I can’t do now, and how much my life has changed, and I keep wondering, could I get some of that back? The main thing I know is that, I don’t want to lose myself in this quest to get better. I don’t want to be afraid. If I don’t get better, I need to know that’s not the end of the world. I don’t want to start having to accept all of this all over again.
Picnic with Ants 