This is not from a prompt it’s from my heart.

This is on the ugly side.  Probably a post with too much information for some.  It’s very emotional, and I’m not exactly sure where it will all end…

I’ve noticed a lot since I have been diagnosed with Intracranial Hypertension that my emotions are a bit out of whack, and I haven’t had the best filter on my mouth.  I cry a lot of the time, and try to be as strong as possible.  I feel alone and keep reaching out trying to ask for help, but just keep alienating people.

I continue to help others if they need to talk, if they need a shoulder…but my shoulders are just so soggy lately.  There are days I feel I have it all under control, my headaches are better, my vision is better, I’m getting around a bit better, so why am I a mess?  Why can’t I relate to people like I normally do?

I asked the doctor, is it the condition, the medication side effects, one medication mixing with other medication, do we need to adjust my bipolar medication???  I was told, “Yes. Maybe. It’s complicated.”  then I was told, “I’m sorry your condition is not easily fixed.”

Well that’s all well and good, but I’m losing everyone around me.  I feel like I’m going insane.  I’m so alone, and scared.  It’s getting to the point that the only one who will put up with me is my husband.  At least I think I do remember to tell him how much I love and appreciate him.

Then the terrors start.  I’m terrified of being alone, not all the time, just some of the time.  It’s more than that, I’m afraid of being without my husband. (again, not all the time, sometimes I feel very capable, then other times…Panic!!!)  What if something happens and he’s not here and I have vertigo and can’t stand up, and can’t stop throwing up, and ……  panic, panic….what if I’m upstairs and he’s gone and I can’t go downstairs and my blood sugar is too low and I need to eat, but can’t get down the stairs safely….panic, panic….what if….I Fall??…..what if…..OH remember to BREATHE!  There are just so many things he does for me, he has no idea how much easier he makes my life.  Often just by being here so I know if I need him, he’s here.

So, what do we do first…how do we sort this out?  Already 2 medication changes.  Soon another.  This week I see my Psychiatrist to see if there is anything we need to change there.  Is there any medication that is working against anything.  Should we add something to help ease some of this?  Will it help?

Does anyone really have any idea?

I do have bipolar I disorder, I know what it feels to not be myself.  I know I’m not going through a depressive or manic swing, but I know I’m not myself, and that tells me I need to back away.  Unfortunately, I wasn’t listening to that little voice when it first started screaming at me a few weeks ago.

Will I have any friends left at the end of this.  I admit I didn’t have many at the beginning.  Having a chronic illness for this long is not good for keeping good relationships.  No one’s fault really, it’s just very hard.  But I’d like to stop alienating the few people I do have supporting me.

Right now, I plan to finish this months writing challenge then take a Hiatus from my blog for a while and try to get this straightened out.  I don’t feel like I’m myself lately, and I don’t want to be putting words out there that aren’t really want I want to say.

I hope those of you who have been on the confusing end of my emotions recently can find a way to understand and forgive.  After the 1st of May, I plan to just take a break, I hope to see you soon.