Tag: Life

The First Signs of Spring

On By WendyIn Gluten-Free, Meniere's Disease2 Comments

I went to the library today and there were daffodils blooming in front of the building.  Oh, I love the first signs of spring.  On Monday it was so nice I sat outside for a while and just soaked up the sun.  It was so beautiful.  I know we will still have some cold days, but the warm days are peaking through, and that is making me happy.  Time to start planning our garden!

I’m sorry I haven’t posted in so long.  My stupid headache lasted for days.  I literally slept for nearly 2 straight days trying to get rid of it.  I’d wake up and would still be in so much pain, I’d just take more meds and go back to sleep.  It has been much better, but I still feel like I have a nagging headache, just not one that will knock me on my butt!

On Monday, I had a good day.  I actually cleaned the kitchen, and vacuumed the kitchen/breakfast nook and living room.  It looks so much better.  Our new vacuum is so powerful, it needs a different attachment on it for the carpet, it is so powerful the suction makes it hard to get it to move along the carpet.  But, boy you really should have seen how much dirt it picked up.  I never would have guessed there was that much in there.  (Or maybe you shouldn’t see it…now should I be ashamed?  Or delighted that I was actually able to finally get it up?  I think I’ll be delighted!)  And today I’m working on the laundry.  I really hate doing laundry, but I’m so happy I am just able to do it.

I even made candy on Monday!  I was going to take a picture, but I put it in the refrigerator, and it turned a funny color, so I didn’t think it was photo worthy.  However, my husband was thrilled.  I made mint chocolate Lego Blocks for him…he is a huge Lego fan, and loves mint chocolate…no silly hearts for him on Valentine’s Day.  : )

We even made it out to dinner.  I had planned to cook, but we hadn’t made it to the grocery store, so out to dinner it was.  We got there early, so no waiting.  Then we spent the evening grocery shopping.  How romantic, right?  We did come home and have a nice quiet evening together and it was very nice.

So, how am I doing physically?

Better.  But the headaches aren’t good.  However, I think they are mostly hormonal.  I’ve been having a very light period, but it’s the first one I’ve had in months.  Also, I’m trying to go off of birth control pills.  (no I’m not trying to get pregnant, I just want my hormones to be my hormones and see where I’m at with all of that.)

I still start feeling worse in the evenings.  Dr. Gray is talking about testing my pressure to see where I’m at, I think that’s probably a good idea.

I did see my regular MD this past week.  (did I mention that before?  I should probably re-read my last post, I was in so much pain when I wrote it I really don’t remember much about it.)  Well, if I haven’t mentioned it we found out that I have a B-12 deficiency again.  I was getting shots last year, then I went to oral supplements.  It looks like I don’t absorb the oral supplements or B-12 in my diet very well.   A lot of people with celiac disease don’t.  So some of my icky feeling symptoms could very easily be caused by that.  My thyroid was also a bit low, so there we go with more of the same symptoms.  Fatigue, dizziness, GI symptoms…  It’s hard to know what is causing what.

My nutritionist started me on a diet to help regulate my blood sugar.  It is mainly just meat and veggies with very little fruit.  I am to make sure I have protein and fat every 2-3 hours.  I’m also to drink lots of broth.  I’ve been drinking the broth for a few weeks now, and it really seems to be helping my digestion.  I’ve actually had come normal bathroom habits.  I still have some diarrhea, but it is less that it was, anything that isn’t diarrhea is less that it was.  (I know icky subject.)  If I could just start losing some of this weight I would be a very happy girl.

The last couple of nights I’ve had a hard time sleeping.  I’ve read 3 books this week.  One was pretty short, but still, that is just insane considering I don’t read in the day time.  You can really tell when I have insomnia, I go through books like crazy!  I read Counterfeit Magic by Kelly Armstong, Three Bedrooms, One Corpse by Charlaine Harris and Ghost Town by Rachel Caine.  All of these books are parts of series.  Sometimes it drives me crazy that I get all caught up in a series, other times I can’t wait for the next one to come out.  I was disappointed in the first book.  The second book is a mystery, this poor girl one of those people who always seem to have people murdered around her, but it was cute.  The last book, was really good.  I was impressed that this author was able to come up with such a unique story on book 9 of this series, I felt like it was getting a bit same old same old with the last book, but this one really switched it up.

Well, that’s all for today.  I hope you are all getting your first days of spring and are enjoying them as much as I am!

Feeling Better

On By WendyIn Medical Tests, Meniere's Disease6 Comments

 

Happy as a Monkey (I did this painting for a friend's nursery.)

It’s been 12 days since the Cerebral Spinal Fluid Patches, and I am feeling better.

 

I still feel better in the mornings, and then fade in the afternoon.  By the evening I often just feel a bit icky.  Kind of off kilter.  (you know, a little off-balance, not much, a little nauseous…)  However, over all, I do feel much better as far as the Meniere’s is concerned.  Not so much with my GI stuff, and my hip pain, but that is a story for another day.

Stuart talked to Dr. Gray a couple of days ago and he told her how I felt so much better in the mornings, then as the day goes on I start to feel worse again.  She said that is a sign of low pressure.  She suggested I come in and have her patch the last leak.  They didn’t patch them all because they were afraid they would spike my pressure, and/or cause it to raise and stay too high.  We decided to wait a few more days to see how I’m doing.  I’m thinking I should probably stop taking Topamax all together (after discussing it with Dr. Gray) before I go in to have the last patch.  Topamax is used to help control migraines, and it also treats bi-polar disorder, however, it can also be used to lower your spinal fluid pressure.  Since I’m taking a small dose every day, I think it’d probably be a good idea to get off of it if I already have low pressure.   : )  Then we will see if I still need to go in for the last patch.

How much better do I feel?

  • I haven’t taken any Valium or Phenergan in days.
  • The dizziness and feeling of being off-balance (disequilibrium) is minimized.  In the mornings I don’t feel it at all.
  • No headaches.  (well, I had a little one today, but I think it’s because I didn’t sleep well last night.  No migraines though!!)
  • Hearing is staying pretty steady in my left ear, I can hear pretty good out of it, but some frequencies are dull.  My right ear is still pretty gone, but in the evenings the tinnitus is much worse in that ear.

So what do you think?  Sounding good so far?

I learned from my last experience with the blood patch that I don’t want to jump the gun and think I’m ok before I have a long while feeling that way.  I’ve been conversing with another patient of Dr. Kaylie and Dr. Gray.  She has high pressure (and she doesn’t have Meniere’s she has another vestibular disorder).  She felt “normal” for over 2 months then the meds stopped working and her symptoms started to return.  It was so hard for me after just 10 days of feeling normal to go back to having the symptoms again, I can’t imagine how she must have felt after 2 months!  She is still being treated, and there is hope she will get back to that “normal” state too.  Just as we are hoping I will.

This time I’m looking at things differently.  Before, I looked at this as a possible cure.  I don’t know if I want to think of it that way.  That would mean that it couldn’t come back, and we have seen that it can.  I have finally come to accept this disease as a part of me, that I have to live with for the rest of my life.  I will always look for the best way to deal with it, and right now I think this treatment is it, for me.  However, I know that the Meniere’s is still there.  If something gets off-balance again, it will all come back.  One of my lovely readers advised me to not fight it so hard, but walk with this disease and accept it.  I’ve taken her advice.  It will never be my friend, but it will always be a part of me, and I can deal with that (at least I’m learning to).  It has made things much easier since I started thinking this way.

Another thing I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.   Friends.   I feel like I’ve lost touch with so many of my friends since I started getting really sick.  (I say really sick, because I’ve been sick for a long time, but I was functional.  This past 2 years have been much harder.)  I was taking that very hard.  But I really needed to look at it and realize, that most of it had nothing to do with me.  Most of my friends also had children over the past 2 years.  I can’t drive, and their lives are so busy with their new families they just don’t have the time to make for me.  And that’s ok.  I’m still here.  You know, even if it is because they don’t want to be around a sick person, that’s ok too.  I’m not going to take it personally.

I decided I’ve had some really great friends in my past, and I love them and want the best for them.  We may not be in touch as much right now, that’s ok.  We may be more in touch in the future and that would be great, if not, then it wasn’t meant to be.  I will still love and cherish the time we spent together.  I know there will be new people in my life, and in theirs.  We grow, sometimes we grow apart, sometimes we grow together.   Sometimes we simply grow up.  I think I’m doing a lot of that right now.  (at 47, you would think I was all grown up….but I’m learning new things all the time, especially about myself.  And heck, I don’t think I’ll ever see myself as a “grown-up”. *shudder*)

ABC’s of Disability – “D”

On By WendyIn Meniere's Disease5 Comments

Todays post is Sponsored by the letter D.

I always have a difficult time picking just one word to focus on when doing these post.

So I’ve decided to not focus on just one word.  I like lots of words and I liked the post about B where we used a lot of different words.  Today, we’ll do that again.

The first natural word to think of is:

Disabled – Yes, we are disabled. But what does that word really mean to you?  Does it mean you can’t work?  that you are crippled? can’t do what you used to? are a different person?  (for me I had to admit I wasn’t as independent as I used to be – I was not able to do for myself everything that I needed.)

Dependent – We are more dependent on others and on things to help us do our necessities.   We are also more dependent on our wits, to figure out how to do more things a little differently so we can be a little more independent.  : )

Dare – We are daring individuals.  We have to do daring feats just to live day-to-day.  With my disease (and I know many of you have Meniere’s too)  we dare to just walk around some days.  We could have a drop attack at any moment…but we dare to live the life that was given us, and not worry about what may happen (most of the time, we try hard).  We dare to survive.

Denial – Sometimes the first part of having a disability is denial.  This can often make it much harder on the person who has the illness.  Especially, if it is progressive, if the person is in denial it can end up in disaster.  For me, I go back and forth with denial.  I want to believe I can do anything if I set my mind to it, I will get on my high horse and start to do this and that…and then I pay for it.  And unfortunately I usually hurt my husband at the same time, because he just wants to help and I push him away.  Denial can come in cycles.  I have to work on acceptance.

Different – So many people I know with a disability are afraid of being different.  That has never been a problem with me.  I think I’ve always been a little different, so this is just fine with me.  So I’m different.  People can accept that or not.  I think it’s harder for people to understand your disability if you try to act normal and you aren’t, then they think something is wrong and they just don’t know what.  I’d rather be up front.  “I’m hearing impaired.”, “I have bouts of vertigo.”  People may not understand, but they know something is wrong, and I’m not just rude and ignoring what they say, or drunk.

Daffy – Well you knew I had to put a funny in here, and no I don’t mean the duck.  You know we all feel a little Daffy some times.  We feel like we are going crazy.  We have all these weird symptoms.  We have doctors trying all sorts of things on us.  We think one thing is working…then it isn’t.  We don’t know who to believe.  And with Meniere’s feeling a little daffy (or crazy) sometimes is actually a symptom!  Don’t worry, you aren’t crazy. (Well, you may be, but I’m not the one to diagnose that.)  Just know that it is normal to feel that way sometimes.

Demon – Ever feel like you are possessed?  Like this isn’t your body any more?  Please, don’t tell me that I’m the only one that feels like my body has been taken over by some demon and it is attacking itself.  OK…maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned that one.

Dreams – With vestibular disorders it is not unusual for people to have very vivid dreams that wake them up many times during the night.  Do you have more dreams now than before?  Do you wake up more often?  Do you sometimes feel like your whole life is just a dream now and you really wish you would wake up?

Do – We are a bunch of people who do stuff.  We still do for other people,  we research our illness to find out as much as we can to help ourselves and others. You may feel like you aren’t doing much, if you actually look at what you do, I think you will be surprised at how much you get done.  And how much you do for others!  We do a lot, but remember, trying counts. So Just try to Do It!

Don’t – Don’t despair.  Don’t feel alone.  A disability is not a death sentence. Disabled people can be strong people who are DETERMINED to live a full and rich life, with our disability, not despite of it.

Please Don’t Judge Me

On By WendyIn Disability, Meniere's Disease6 Comments

This is something I read a long time ago that I have shared with friends and it seemed to help some understand this illness.  I don’t know who wrote it, I wish I did, I’d love to thank her or him.   (I recently found out…see comments, 9-5-2012….that Tina McDonald is the author of this essay….Thank you Tina for speaking for us!)

Please Don’t Judge Me

Author Unknown

Life with Meniere’s Disease : Before you judge me on one of my good days, you need to understand what one of my bad days is like.

Tinnitus – imagine having a headache caused by a fire alarm ringing or a bee buzzing in your ear continually for a long period of time. You can’t hear anything but that fire alarm or bee – It drowns everything else out.

Vertigo – Now imagine yourself as really drunk or with the flu at the same time as the fire alarm is going off. Now imagine that with these two things, you’d be dumb enough to get on one of the super roller coasters that does loop-de-loops or the amusement park rides that spin in two different directions at the same time. I’m not that dumb, but unfortunately I have no choice in feeling these sensations.

During one of these vertigo attacks that can last from several minutes to several hours if not days. I can’t keep food or water down, I can’t walk, and in order to get out of bed to go to the bathroom, I have to crawl like a baby on my hands and knees. The movement makes me so ill, if I’m able to crawl back to bed, I’m covered in sweat from exhaustion. Otherwise, I keep a pillow and a blanket at the bottom of a linen closet in the bathroom so that I can pass out lying across the bathroom floor. I end up sleeping for days after one of these attacks, only getting out of bed to go to the bathroom or to get something to drink, if I think I can keep it down. I have to call my family to see what day it is when I wake up. That is, if I can hear.

You see, this disease while playing havoc with your balance and equilibrium, also reeks havoc with your hearing. It wouldn’t be so bad if the hearing loss was constant and predictable. But no, one day I can hear conversation fairly OK, and the next I can be virtually deaf, then the next day I can hear again. The hearing loss can fluctuate, but is usually progressive, and many with the disease end up severely hard-of-hearing or deaf.

Even on a daily basis, your mind is so confused by the signals it’s getting from your ears that your balance sucks. You run into things constantly because you can’t balance well enough to avoid walking into things, or your mind is telling you the object is a couple of inches from where it really is. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry when someone teases me about being such a klutz. I could make the Keystone Cops look graceful.

I also have days that my coordination just doesn’t seem to be together. I’m carrying something, and all of a sudden I drop it because my brain seems confused as to whether my hand is really attached to my body. I sometimes miss a step and fall because of the feeling that my legs are not quite part of me and I have to focus on them to realize they are there. Apparently this happens because the part of your brain that recognizes parts of your body as belonging to you is the parietal brain lobe and it sits right above your ear, so if the nerves around your ear are inflamed, it can press on this part of the brain, or send the wrong signals to it (I’m not quite sure which), and you can lose coordination.

Ironically, the few high frequencies I don’t seem to have a hearing loss in can sound extremely loud, unbearably so. When a baby cries, an alarm goes off, or a microphone gives off feedback, I’d be willing to climb up a wall to get away if I thought I could make it. This symptom is called recruitment.

The disease also plays tricks on your vision. For some strange reason, the nerve that goes from your inner ear to your brain also controls some of your eye movement. Your eyes can twitch or bounce constantly, making focusing on objects, much less print, extremely difficult at times. Your eyes tend not to be able to “track” movement at the same speed, giving you double vision, and a bad headache.

You can get confused easily and your memory and concentration aren’t reliable. It’s what some people with the disease refer to as “brain fog”. Many of them originally were afraid that they may have a brain tumor or Alzheimer’s because it can sometimes gets so bad. Finally they find either a doctor whose very knowledgeable regarding the symptoms, or they happen to ask someone else with the disease, and find that this too is a symptom of this blasted disease.

Now try to imagine living with this disease never knowing when one of these periods of tinnitus, vertigo, hearing loss, double vision, lack of coordination, recruitment, disequilibrium, or “brain fog” is going to hit, or how bad it will be. At least with being drunk or riding an amusement park ride, you know what’s causing it, and you can make the choice not to do it again. With this disease, there’s very little warning if any for these attacks, you don’t know what’s causing it, and there’s no cure – only devices, surgeries, and some medications that can somewhat help alleviate the symptoms. And some of the surgeries are so radical, you think they came from a horror movie about a mad doctor. My ENT surgeon won’t even perform any more surgery on my left side, since I have the disease in both ears. He’s concerned about what would happen if my right side became worse than what my left side is now.

Understandably, anxiety and depression seem to go hand-in-hand with Meniere’s for many sufferers. We often ask how much worse can this disease get? For some strange reason, doctors aren’t very willing to give out worst case scenarios.

Now decide if you think I’d be able to do the same things you do on as punctual and regular schedule. For me, there’s no way. I’m being up front about my limitations. I try the best I can at living up to my full potential. Could you if you were in my shoes? They think now that Van Gogh suffered from this disease, and he cut off his own ear trying to escape it.

Yet on my not-so-bad days I may look like a totally healthy, able-bodied person. You ask me “why can’t you bend down – pick it up – lift it – drive – get a job – walk without a cane” It’s because I know these things can either bring on an attack – I couldn’t do them on a regular schedule because of the symptoms – or if I did do them, I could put myself and others in jeopardy if I should have an attack. You have to realize that with my friendship, love, dedication, and loyalty comes the fact that I can’t decide when I’m going to have a bad day, and the more stress I’m under, the more likely I will have a bad day.

So, please don’t judge me unless you’ve been in my shoes.”

(Of course, part of this is personal to this person’s situation, but it hits pretty darn close to mine.  I don’t walk with a cane, because I don’t feel like it helps.  I do find that a walker helps when I get dizzy.  It stays steady.  A cane just falls with me.  And of course, you all know that I do have some hope that things are going to get better because of fixing the CSF imbalance.  However,  It doesn’t look as if my right ear will regain it’s hearing and it looks like I will always have tinnitus in that ear too.  I’ll be very lucky if that’s the only symptoms that remain.)

I hope this little essay helps you in some way.  If you are a friend or family member of mine, perhaps it will help you understand me a little more.  If you are a fellow sufferer, perhaps it will help you in explaining things to others.

Recovering and Our Magical Gnome

On By WendyIn Life, Meniere's Disease2 Comments

First I’m feeling pretty darn good today.  I’m not dizzy!  That is saying A LOT!  I have a ton of energy, unfortunately I can’t do anything with it.  I keep trying to do things and I go Ouch, Ouch, Ouch.  It’s not bad, but dang it all my back feels like someone beat it up.  And I guess they did.  : )   However, I’m not as sore as I was last night, so I’m healing fast.

No headaches.  That’s a good sign.  That means my pressure isn’t spiking.

The only thing I’m not happy about is that my hearing isn’t all that I want it to be.  (Yeah, I know, I expect miracles.)  I don’t expect my right ear to clear up, but the tinnitus in my right ear is being pretty relentless.  And my left ear isn’t as clear as it was yesterday.  It’s just a little dull.  I can hear OK.  But if I put my fingers up to my ear and rub them together I don’t hear that rustling noise.  I think my pressure is just leveling out.  It may be just a smidgen too high right now.  We’ll see.

But mostly, I’m doing great!

Now for Story number 2. Our Magical Gnome.

 

Mr. Gnome

We have a little Gnome that sits in the little garden section in front of our house.  Right now it’s just mulch, but during the Spring, Summer, and Fall it’s covered in herbs and flowers and such.  Mr. Gnome sits out there and watches over our little garden and takes care of things.  (like Gnomes are supposed to do.)

The strange thing about this Gnome is that he keeps moving.  I put him in one place, and I’ll go out and he’s in a different place in our little patch.  I’ve asked Stuart if he moved him, and he denies it.  He also looks at me like I’m a little crazy.  This latest time, we had a storm last week and Mr. Gnome was blown over.  I haven’t been feeling well enough to bend over and pick him up without getting dizzy.  Today, I went out side and there he is standing right in the middle of the little garden patch looking out over the yard, guarding us against … oh, you know the things that gnomes guard against.

(I’m thinking the little boy next door, who I just love to pieces, has been watching out over Mr. Gnome.  But I could be wrong.  It could be that I really do have a Magical Gnome and Mr. Gnome is watching out over all of us.)

Maybe I’ll have to take him in to see the upcoming movie Gnomeo and Juliet.  He’s such a good little gnome and everyone deserves a break every once in a while.  (but who knows what he’s really doing out there when I’m not looking…hummm.)

To answer your question, No, this is not the pain killers talking.  I’ve only taken one today.  I just think gnomes are kinda funny.  (maybe I haven ‘t taken enough pain killers??)

Things I’ve been thinking about.

On By WendyIn Disability, Life, Meniere's Disease9 Comments
The Thinker by Auguste Rodin (photo courtesy of Wiki Commons)

I’ve had many things that I’ve had to fight in my life.  I had a tumor that caused me to break my arm 5 times before they operated when I was 15, I was told I had fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, IBS….I have a wheat allergy, probably celiac-disease, hypothyroidism, I’m bipolar, I’ve been raped, I’ve been divorced, I was in an abusive relationship…..Everything I’ve been though I came out fighting, and I persevered.

Then I got Meniere’s Disease.  At first it was really no big deal.  I would have an attack every once in a while. Sure I was a little off-balance, but I’ve been a klutz most of my life, and I had constant ear infections growing up, I was used to my ears bothering me.  My ENT gave me tubes, and that seemed to work, for a while.  (Dr. Kaylie thinks I was really just going through a good time again, and the treatment wasn’t really working.  I don’t know.  It seemed to work for a couple of years.)   Then starting the beginning of last year the Meniere’s went bilateral, and I haven’t been the same.  I went from an independent person to a person who has to depend on her husband for nearly everything a lot of the time.

There are 3 major things that make this disease so very hard for me to deal with.

  1. I’m afraid most of the time.  Not just of having an attack, now don’t get me wrong that scares me, a lot.  But I’m also afraid that every little happy thing I do, that it may be the last time I get to do it.  For example, I’m afraid I’ll never be able to drive again.  When I try to do something that makes me dizzy, I think, “I may never be able to do this again.”
  2. I feel like a burden.  I know my husband says I shouldn’t.  But I often do.  I can’t do a lot.  And so many of my friends have just dropped of the face of the earth, I have to feel like they just couldn’t handle it.  Their lives are too busy to handle having a disabled friend….it’s just hard.
  3. I often feel like I don’t have anything to fight.  (I have to depend on the doctors for everything.  I can’t do anything to try to fight for myself.)

But I’m realizing I’m wrong on most of those accounts.  I’m beginning to look at things differently.  In part because of some of you, because of my darling husband, and my pretty smart therapist.  (who I made cry this week….I really do need to stop making people cry.  I’m so happy that people care about me, but I hate making people cry.  You know I say that, and I mean it, but then in a small way, it warms my heart that someone cares that much about me.)

Better ways to think of things:

  1. I do need to have a little bit of healthy fear, so I will recognize when an attack is coming, so I can try to head if off.  But I need to treasure the things I do, if I don’t get to do them again, at least I will have these precious times.  I also need to remember, that we are working to get this Meniere’s under control, and I may be able to do many things again.
  2. My husband doesn’t feel like I’m a burden.  He is so grateful for that he can be here for me, and it bothers him that he can’t do more.  As for my friends.  As our lives change, sometimes we lose friends, and we gain other friends.  It doesn’t have to be because I’m disabled.  It could be for any number of reasons.  Perhaps, it’s just this time in our lives that our friendship isn’t working any long.
  3. My attitude about things can be a good fight in itself.  Working to find out as much as I can about my disease, and what can be done.  Simply taking my medication when I feel like an attack is coming on is fighting.  I need to realize that I am fighting, and I’m constantly finding new ways of fighting back.  I will not allow this disease to take away my hope, or my desire to fight.

There may be times that I forget this:

When this happens, I hope that you  (my friends) will kick me in the butt and point out what I have said here and get me back on the path I want to follow.

What I did today…and Spaghetti with Sausage

On By WendyIn Gluten-Free, Life, Meniere's Disease, Recipe8 Comments

Every Saturday we try to go to the Durham Farmer’s Market.  And every Saturday morning as we are getting ready, I say something and Stuart thinks I’m being mean to him.  We end up being snappy to one another, and it starts that way….I hate it.  Finally, I realized today that I get very anxious about getting up and going anywhere, and it’s not just when we are going to the Farmer’s Market it’s anywhere.  It’s just very noticeable on Saturdays because we do this every Saturday.

I was being a bitch.  I snap, and I’m snarky, and I am simply not the nicest of people.  But it really has nothing to do with Stuart.  First, I’ve gained so much weight, I find it hard for me to get ready and feel comfortable (read *pretty* here).  What woman does not get bitchy when she’s feeling like that?

Then I start to get more and more anxious about being out and about and what if something happens.  When we are home an attack is much easier to stop, or at least make it much easier.  But when we are out and about, it’s much harder.  What if I collapse?  What if we have to leave some place in a hurry?  There have been a few times we’ve had to leave a restaurant, just leave, the food hadn’t arrived, I was getting sick, and we had to leave NOW.  It’s so hard to explain, no we don’t have time for you to put the food in a to go box, here, we will pay you for it, but we have to leave now.  (besides I would not be able to stand smelling the food in the car all the way home.)  People look at you so funny, because all of a sudden I’m walking like I’m drunk and I can’t stand up by myself, and I wasn’t drunk a few minutes ago.  I can’t imagine what they must think after we leave.  We try to say, “She has vertigo, she’s getting very sick, very fast, we have to leave.  But how can they understand?

So now I understand.  I’m anxious about leaving the house, and it comes across as me being grumpy.  Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I’m hoping he will get mad and say, “Well we just won’t go then.”  But instead he told me that I could go by myself.  Oh my, the terror that went through me.  But you know what?  I was going to do it.  Just because I got so mad that he said that to me.  And how dangerous would that have been?  Dumb, Dumb, Dumb.  (well, today, I’ve had a pretty good day, so I would probably have been fine, but still, it wouldn’t have been smart….what if…)

Deep Breath Here!  I calmed down and talked with Stuart.  I apologized.   He apologized.  And I realized what was really going on with me.  It was a very nice talk, and I hope we can deal with it better in the future now that we know what was (or may be) causing it.

So, off to the Farmer’s Market we went.  We got there, walked in, hit 3 vendors and said, “It is too dang cold out here!”  And we left.  We came away with a bag of Sun Chokes (also known as Jerusalem Artichokes), some green onions, a bag of mixed winter greens, and some baby turnips.  Not enough veggies for the week, but it was in the 20’s this morning and we all know I’m not a cold natured person…well, neither is my husband.  I’ve never tried Sun Chokes before, but I like trying new things.  I’ll let you know what I decide to do with them.

We then tried to go get breakfast but the breakfast places were way too busy, so we decided to have lunch at the steak house.  Yes, steak for breakfast.  It wasn’t what I wanted, but it wasn’t bad.

We left there and decided to drop by the mall to walk off some of that meal.  I was so bloated and miserable.  After our walk we came home and I realized my keys were missing. (I keep them attached to my purse with a carabiner type hook.) The hook was there, but the keys were gone.  I felt like such a fool.  Stuart called the mall, nope, no one had turned in any keys.  I knew I had them at the steak place because I opened the car door with them.  Stuart still called them, and yep, they were there.  How lucky was that.  Guess I’ll figure out a different way to carry my keys.  Perhaps a carabiner hook that screw locks, I’ll have to go look at them.  All I know is, I’m lucky today.

We also took a trip to the huge thrift store!  We bought a pretty blue bowl, 2 small sushi plates with small sauce bowls and 2 place mats.  All for $3.25!  How cool is that?  I decided I wanted some cuter dishes take pictures of my food for my cooking blog, so it doesn’t matter if I have a set that matches or anything.

We made Spaghetti Sauce tonight.  (see my pretty new bowl and place mat?)

Spaghetti Sauce with Al Fresco Roasted Garlic Chicken Sausage over Noodles

Spaghetti Sauce with Al Fresco Roasted Garlic Sausage

  • 1 medium to large onion chopped
  • 2 tablespoons olive oil
  • 3 teaspoons Italian Seasoning (I didn’t really measure, I just sprinkled it in there until it looked right.  I’ve been making this for a long time.)
  • 2-3 large cloves of garlic minced or chopped what ever is easier for you.  (about 2-3 teaspoons)
  • 1  28oz can Tomato Puree or chopped tomatoes
  • 1 package Al Fresco Roasted Garlic Chicken Sausage

heat olive oil in sauce pan over medium high heat.  Sautee onions until translucent.  Add Italian Seasoning stir for just a second(this will release the oils in the dried herbs.  Add garlic and tomato puree, heat thoroughly.

Cut up sausage in slices that look like round discs.  Brown sausage in a separate pan.  (I guess you could do it in the sauce pan before you add the onion, but I didn’t think about it.)  Add the sausage to the sauce, and heat thoroughly.  Simmer for as long as you want, the longer it simmers the more the flavors will meld together.

*hint, to quickly clean the pan you cooked the sausage in, immediately add water to the hot pan and scrape the brown bits off.  Then pour this out (the chicken sausage doesn’t have much oil, so there is no oil to pour out), add soap to the pan and swish with a cloth, and rinse.  Voila, it’s clean.  (If it doesn’t come clean just add a little baking soda and the last of the brown stuff should come out.)

Serve sauce over noodles of choice (we used Tinkyada Gluten-Free Noodles) with shaved Parmesan cheese on top if desired.

That was most of my Saturday.

Do you get anxious about going places?  Especially if you’ve been having a lot of attacks recently?  Do you find yourself not being so very nice sometimes, and not really knowing why?

The Warrior in All of Us

On By WendyIn Disability, Meniere's DiseaseLeave a comment

I read a series of books by Jim Butcher about a wizard who is also a detective.  His name is Harry Dresden.  My favorite character in this series has always been Michael Carpenter.  Michael was a Knight of the Cross, an ancient order dedicated to bearing and using the three Swords of the Cross to defeat evil. he was the most recent bearer of the sword Amoracchius until he was forced to retire after being badly injured while performing some of his heroic acts. (this takes place in the book Small Favors)

I’m writing about a small story Butcher has written called The Warrior, originally published in the anthology Mean Streets, it was re-released in Oct. of 2010 in a book full short stories about Harry Dresden and his cohorts titled Side Jobs.

Last night I re-read The Warrior and I felt like it had so much to say to people who are dealing with a disability.  (of course, this story does show how Michael is dealing with his new disability, but it is much more.)

In the forward to this story Butcher talks about “The Law of Unintended Consequences”.  He says, “The big important things are built from small and commonplace things, and even our little acts of petty, everyday good and evil have a cumulative effect on our world.”  (Pg. 211)

“Our smallest actions and choices matter.  They tell us who we are.” (Pg. 211)

He goes on to say, “What seems like a good thing or a bad thing might not be either seen from another point of view.” (Pg. 212)

I feel like I could quote most of this story and it would be relevant to our situation.  I tells how knowledge is the best way to conquer fear.  How things happen that you don’t want, after all we are just human, we can’t fix everything, we stop all bad things from happening, some things we just have to accept.

In one part of this story Harry Dresden gives a great pep talk to a little girl who feels she can’t do anything right.  He tells her she has two choices, she can give up or try.  (He even asks if they read Great Expectations in school, and she is amazed that he could make Dickens relevant in her own life.  He tells her she could give up like Miss Havisham, or she could get out there and live life and try.)  This speech deeply touched me, and if I didn’t think I’d get in trouble I’d print it here for you.

Much of this story reminded me of It’s a Wonderful Life showing how you affect people’s lives by the things you do, when you don’t even know it.  In this story, Harry does so many things that he thinks are just little things, but he is shown later that they were just what the person needed to make a huge change.

This is a story full of Faith (yes, with a capital “F”), doing the right thing, trying, showing you how a disability can have a good side, and it I think most importantly it shows that “people have far more power than they realize, if they would only choose to use it.” (Pg. 266 – Jake /Uriel)

We are all warriors.  We only need to choose the right path.  It’s often very hard.  Even Michael is tested in this story, but with a little guidance from a friend, he comes through.  Sometimes it may be very hard to try, and sometimes doing the right thing can be very hard, hopefully at those times we will have the right person say the right thing to us.  But always try to be careful of what you say to and how you treat someone else, you never know how it may effect them.

Even with a disability you can make a huge difference in the world.  One small action at a time.

*As a side note*  I thought it very funny in one part of the story Harry thinks, “(I) then fell back on to the floor of my apartment and watched the apartment spin for a while.”  (of course, he had just been attacked, but I thought – oh boy, can I relate!)

Longing for a Warmer Winter

On By WendyIn Disability, Life, Meniere's Disease7 Comments
A Snow Day in North Carolina

This year we’ve had a lot a snow, and ice.  Not as much as a lot of the country, but more than we usually get in Durham, NC.

In 2006 we moved to Palm Springs, CA for a couple of years.  We had two winters there.

Now in January I sometimes miss the smell of citrus in the air.  In Palm Springs the orange, lemons, limes, and grapefruit trees are full of fruit this time of year. In our yard we had a small orange tree and a beautiful lemon tree.  I used to pick lemons every day during the winter.  I’d make fresh lemonade, I’d cook with them, clean with them, and I’d simply have bowls of lemons sitting around my house for the beauty and the smell.

Lemon Tree in our yard in Palm Springs, CA. Jan. 2006
Our First Orange.

I remember when our small orange tree produced its first orange, Stuart and I split it.  It was so juicy.  I was so thrilled to be eating an orange that I picked from our own yard.  (Stuart grew up in Tucson, so this concept was not as new to him, but he would get so tickled with me.)

We also had this beautiful tree in our yard that they locals called Fairy Dusters.

Here’s a typical sunset seen from our yard:

Palm Tree in the Sunset. Jan. 2006

Living in Palm Springs gave me a great appreciation for warm winters.  It was interesting though, you could get on the Palm Springs Arial Tramway to go up  Mount San Jacinto  (2,643 ft elevation to the station at the top). It would be in the high 70’s and when you got on the Tram in Palm Springs but by the time you reached the top it would be snowing.  It was amazing.  It really gave you an appreciation of just how different the climate in the world is, in just a few minutes you could go from the desert to a freezing mountain top.

Cold weather to me means 1. more Meniere’s attacks.  2. more Migraines. 3. more general aches and pains (I have simply broken too many bones.)  4. my nose runs all the time. 5. I get a cough. 6. I see more mucus than I ever want. 7. I have to run the humidifier because the heat dries me out. 8. I get grumpy….well, even more grumpy than usual.

Oh I could go on I’m sure….I simply do not like the cold.   (*insert here – “bitch, bitch, bitch”*)  Because that’s what I would say if I heard someone else go on and on about this.  : )

Are you one of those people who just couldn’t live without seeing the snow each year?  Who love the cold?  Or are you like me – to heck with that!  I want a warm winter!  Or worse than that….are you one of those who are actually having a warm winter right now?  (really I won’t hate you…but I will envy you.)

* A note about living in Palm Springs.*

Palm Springs, is a little different from actually living in the desert.  It has plenty of water.  They water the grass there all the time.  They have no water shortage.  I still think it is such a waste. There are more than 125 gold courses in the Palm Springs area (this includes the surrounding towns).  All the water they use to keep those gold courses green it made it humid there all the time.  We lived in the desert, yet it was humid.  So in the summers when it was 125F, it was still humid out.  That’s why most of the residents are “snow birds”.  Many of the businesses shut down in the summer.  Even some of the churches close in the summer.  The summers were like living in a ghost town…..a very, very hot ghost town.

Tomorrow may be hell, but today was a good day.

On By WendyIn Disability, Gluten-Free, Life, Meniere's Disease2 Comments

I woke up this morning and I heard water dripping.

Most people wouldn’t think anything about that, most people may even be annoyed by that, I thought is was great!  The great thing about it was I HEARD water dripping.  At that moment, I knew it was going to be a good day!

I looked at the clock and realized I slept 8 1/2 hours without waking up (well if I did wake up I don’t remember, so it doesn’t count.)  I turned over and went, Ouch! My head hurts.  I was not going to let that get me down, so I started to think about what I wanted for breakfast.  I knew we went to the Farmer’s Market yesterday and got a box of veggies, including spinach, oh, and there are some wonderful green onions in there….I can do something with that.  (But, dang my head hurts.)

I cuddled up with Stuart and asked if he would like a wonderful breakfast and he said, “we only have one egg, how do you feel today.”  “Much better thank you, but my head really hurts.”  He replied, “Well, then I’ll run get your medicine and pick up some eggs and be back in about 45 minutes and we can have breakfast.”  Oh, how I do so love my husband.  About that time, the cat pounced on me to say hello, then Sandy dog runs in after Stuart has finished feeding her and letting her out for her morning business (yes, he is wonderful)…and I am surrounded by love.  What more could you ask for on a Sunday morning?

So, I play with my “children” for a while, and then get dressed and come downstairs to have everything ready for the eggs (and the potatoes I decided to have him buy) when he got home.  And this is what I made for breakfast:

Scrambled Eggs with Spinach and Green onions with Hash Browns

After seeing the picture it really doesn’t look quite as appetizing as it tasted.  However, I was so thrilled with breakfast, it was one of the most tasty meals I’ve had in a very long time.  (perhaps I shouldn’t say that about my own cooking, but oh my goodness, it was good.)

Today we also went to Home Depot and looked and Tile Saws.  Yes, that really is exciting.  There is an art project that I really want to get started in, and I need a tile saw.  If you read this blog, or know me personally, then you know I like to recycle things.  I saw the most beautiful set of glasses made from wine bottles, and I thought, “What a wonderful idea, I’d really like to do that.”  Well, cutting wine bottles, is not as easy as you would think, especially if you want to have them match, and you want to be able to drink out of them.  So after much research, I think I’m finally ready to get started.  (Luckily, one of my dear friends is a member in a Wine Club, so I have a good resource for wine bottles, and I don’t even have to drink.)  If this works, I plan to talk to a few bars in town and see if they will save their wine bottles for me too, so I can have an even bigger supply.  I plan on making beautiful glasses from wine bottles and hand etch designs on them to make them even more unique. (what do you think?)

We also went to Weaver Street Market today.  (It’s a local co-op, and I can find local, pasture raised meats and eggs there.)  For some reason I’ve been craving beef.  A nice juicy steak.  So we bought steaks.  We also found Stew Beef on sale…so you know what we will be having later this week.  Oh, and we found a delightful Hoop Cheese on sale.  They let me taste this cheese, and it has a mild taste, a bit like a medium cheddar.  I was so pleased to find a local cheese that I really like.  (We have really become locavores.)  We do try to support our local farmers, and we try to eat organic and ethically.  It’s a challenge, but we think it’s worth it.

I’ll be posting the recipe for dinner tonight on Wendy Cooks.  But here’s a picture:

Petite Sirloin, Sautéed Italian Broccoli Greens with Baby Turnips and Carrots

I do so love to cook.  I sing, or hum the whole time I’m cooking, I dance around the kitchen.  It’s just so much fun to create something that brings such joy to my husband (and sometimes other people), and I have to admit I really like to eat good food too.  It’s also fun, to create something really tasty that is nutritious.  One of the most fun things for me to do is to say, “OK, I have these ingredients, what can I make?”  And actually come up with something that people like.  That used to scare me to death, now I think it’s so much fun.  Isn’t it funny how life changes?

I have a phone consultation on Wednesday with a nutritionist to see if we think she can help me with my issues.  (Let’s keep our fingers crossed.)

Tonight, I have a movie date night with my husband.  We’re just going to watch a movie on Netflix, but I can watch a movie on Netflix with my husband tonight because I can HEAR it.  What a treat!

**One big side note.  I realized something yesterday.  I think I know something else that may have majorly attributed to my depression day before yesterday.  I started having really bad cramps yesterday.  I feel like I’m trying to have my period.  This would explain the extreme moods, and my headaches.  At 47 and a half, I’m peri-menopausal.  I’ve found that my hormonal symptoms have gotten much worse since I’ve started skipping periods, and then having heavier periods sometimes.  Hot Flashes, Night Sweats.  (more night sweats than hot flashes.)  The moods are much more unpredictable.  (poor Stuart.)**  Just a thought.

Meniere’s and Menopause…what a combination.