Not edited, stream of thought:

I’ve been away for quite some time, I hope no one has missed me too much. Or maybe I do, I dunno, I kinda like the idea that someone out there missed me….oh that sounds weird, like I think no one cares, I know people care I’m being weird. Speaking of weird…

After the amazing results from the Ketamine treatment I had in early may, it ended when I had two falls and a concussion. Yikes!

Since May 31st I’ve, once again, had a constant migraine. This one is very high all the time. I’ve had no respite at all.

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Okay, did they change the way you post photos into WordPress…OMG that was hard and now I can’t move it!…..anyway, this is what happened: Damn I look old, and really messed up. Whew that had to hurt…oh wait I know it hurt, it happened to ME! So surreal.

I went for a walk, and fell, flat on my face, didn’t even get my hands out to brace myself. It felt as if someone had pushed me from behind. (uh oh…Meniere’s drop attack..damn) Stuart and his father were in a restaurant near by (their conversation got boring, hence the walk) I came back to the restaurant and every head turned to me with, what I can only describe as, fear and fasciation. I walked over to our table and Dad looked white, Stuart turned and saw me and jumped to his feet very alarmed. The waitstaff swooped me up and took me to the bathroom to try and clean me up some. Then I saw myself. Blood covered my face, I shouldn’t have been surprised, I had tried to call Stuart when I fell, but smart phones don’t work when they have blood on them. My lip was severely swollen and there was a big gash in my forehead. They tried to clean me up the best they could, but they couldn’t fix it. I ended up in the ER, luckily one that wasn’t busy. They cleaned me up better and glued my head back together. My tooth tried to come through my lip, but since it didn’t go all the way through there isn’t much they can do, getting stitches there has too much of an infection risk. It’s all okay now, I still have a ridge inside my lip, probably a scar I’ll always have, and I have a cute little scar on my forehead. Nothing broken…not even my glasses…which is really weird, they didn’t even fall off or get very scratched. Really, Really,Weird. I had a scrape on my leg, didn’t bleed really, yet I can still see it….again…weird.

I saw my doctor week JULY 6TH!! and I’ll be going back into the hospital for another round of Ketamine soon. (If insurance ever gets their act together!) I’m also getting trigger point injections where the concussion was, and nerve blocks in the occipital region on July 27th. She also increased preventative meds that I’m already on, and discontinued some acute medications because they weren’t working. I feel like a zombie every morning when I take my meds, yet the pain is still very real! I’m also getting a migraine cocktail infusion every week now. It doesn’t last long, and it’s so hard to find a vein on me I have questioned if it’s worth it, but she just changed the orders up on that too, so we’ll see. One person is wonderful at getting my veins, another hurts like H and I told him to stop, and another is decent, but it still hurts and I always have a big bruise later. As long as I get a few hours of relief, I’ll continue to do it.

Just because I’m going through all this doesn’t mean I’m not here for my friends. Anytime anyone needs to talk, reach out. It makes me feel like people still think I’m worthy, instead of someone you don’t “bother” because they are ill. I remember family members doing that to my mom, and it broke her heart. I’m still a person, I can still be a friend. I might not be able to respond immediately, but I will. I don’t like feeling like I’m not a good friend anymore. I know there are a few people who will think I’m talking to them directly, but I’m not, this is aimed at anyone who feels they can’t “bother” me. I do apologize for not reaching out more. Emailing…texting…I haven’t been very good at that. I’ll try and be better. I really do value my friendships.

If there’s anyone out there who has had, is having, or going to have ketamine for their migraines, I’d like to hear from you. I’d like to compare notes at the very least.

Right now I’m in a Spravato treatment. You may remember that Spravato is a treatment for major depression disorder, and it’s esketamine. Interesting all the things this “street” drug (or part of it) can do.

I’ll also try and write more here, it does help me, whey don’t I do it? I dunno. I’m basically staying in the dark, watching mind numbing TV (the brightness has been turned down). I’m trying to do more, even if it is a struggle…pushing myself through…way past the point of using all my spoons.