Catching Up After An Unintentional Time Out

A monsoon storm, the first significant one of the season, crashes a few bolts down just before the gates opened for the Annual Bloom Night at Tohono Chul Park, July 13, 2019, Tucson, AZ. Kelly Presnell / Arizona Daily Star

After my last post about shame I didn’t mean to be away so long. That post caused a lot of reactions, some people seemed to understand my feelings of shame, others got very worried about me. First I want to apologize for not answering every comment, I have been going through an awful time with my migraines and simply haven’t been able to look at the computer much, and I will admit it has put me in a depressed funk, I’m so sorry if I worried anyone. The shame I feel is not overwhelming, I know I made it seem that way in the post, but I promise it’s not all consuming. It is not uncommon for people who have chronic pain or illness to have feelings of shame mixed in with feelings of guilt, I wanted people to know if they do, they aren’t alone. And I wanted people to know, I’d been feeling it and didn’t even realize that’s what it was. Now that I realize it, it’s easier to notice it, and to fight it. I understand that I have no reason to feel ashamed, I also understand that I have no reason to feel guilty, but those feelings still come. They are less now, but they still come.

Something happened this past week that I’d like to share. I’ve needed to cancel plans with our realtor a couple of times because of my migraines, and when we saw him he said, “Hi sickie! Feeling better?” At first I felt shame, then I was angry, very angry, and I stayed angry for days. I told Stuart if he wasn’t our landlord and a good friend of Stuart’s father he would no longer be our realtor. Then I decided he needed to be educated that this is not an acceptable thing to say to a person with chronic illness, or anyone for that matter. I was going to say something to him, but my advocate of a husband beat me to it. Stuart said that he was very apologetic and said that he doesn’t know why he said such a thing, it’s not something he would normally say. He doesn’t know that I know Stuart talked to him, and he hasn’t said anything to me. I’m simply proud that I didn’t just sit back and accept being shamed. This happens to us way too often and we mostly just shrug it off, I think we need to speak up more often and educate people as to how we should be treated. This is one way I will fight my feelings of shame.

Now, a really quick update. Since July 26th, my last visit to my migraine doctor, I’ve had 2 migraine free days, 2 days with moderate migraine pain (5-7), and every other day I had severe migraine pain (8-10), along with many other symptoms, such as nausea, light sensitivity, vertigo… None of my medications were working at all. My doctor prescribed Migranal, but it took until September 4th before I finally got it (stupid insurance hoops you have to jump through) and I can only use it 8 days a month. It’s been difficult. Our 15th wedding anniversary was September 3rd, we wanted to do something special, but instead I basically missed it. Good thing it’s the marriage that counts, and it’s a celebration every day. (HA…how hokey was that?!? It really is special though.)

I saw my migraine doctor yesterday. After my last appointment I had a CTA scan, that’s a CT scan that shows your arteries, it came back normal. I had just started Effexor to try to help my migraines, and I stayed on Emgality for prevention until we saw if Effexor worked. Well, Effexor didn’t work, so we are changing the Emgality to Amovig. You have probably seen the commercials for both of these drugs. They are similar, but a little different in how they work, so hopefully Amovig will be a better fit for me. It can take up to 3 months, to tell if it’s going to work at all. So I’ll know in December. She thinks this last 6 weeks could have been so much worse because of monsoon season. She said it has been worse than last year. I know I was affected last year, but I know I wasn’t this bad.

11 thoughts on “Catching Up After An Unintentional Time Out

  1. It is so good to “see” you Wendy! I completely understand feeling ashamed about being ill, it seems to go along with chronic illness, even though it is not our fault. And a big, Way To Go! for your husband coming to your aid in saying something. Just reading this made me cheer! Prayer sent that your new med will work……….so wish I could do something for you.

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    1. Oh it’s good to “see” you too my dear! How are you? I’ve been trying to check in, but haven’t made it much. ☹ I’ve missed you Wendi.
      Knowing you are in my corner is all I need. When I don’t feel like I can reach out and be with my tribe, it’s comforting knowing you are there holding me up from afar. xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am absolutely putting prayers out for you Wendy! Please know that if you ever want to talk or text, I am here for you. No pressure, but if you would like my number you can send me a personal message and i will send it to you. Either way, I am cheering you on! May God bless you with the best day you can have, today, bringing you smiles. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

        1. It’s taken me so long to comment! I am often in a time warped Galaxy far, far, away.
        2. Good for you and Stuart re addressing “sickie” comment. People need to be educated and made aware of the power of such misspoken words.
        3. I do understand about your feelings of guilt and shame. I struggle with them too, especially when my guard is down — caused by pain and sadnesses. I was worrying, as you know, that you were really struggling hard with it at that moment.
        4. It is good to share such things in posts so folks will know they are not alone.
        5. Hope the new migraine regime helps.
        6. Gentle hugs, warrior princess.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s taken me so long to comment! I am often in a time warped Galaxy far, far, away.
    2. Good for you and Stuart re addressing “sickie” comment. People need to be educated and made aware of the power of such misspoken words.
    3. I do understand about your feelings of guilt and shame. I struggle with them too, especially when my guard is down — caused by pain and sadnesses. I was worrying, as you know, that you were really struggling hard with it at that moment.
    4. It is good to share such things in posts so folks will know they are not alone.
    5. Hope the new migraine regime helps.
    6. Gentle hugs, warrior princess.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Silly goose. The picture isn’t all that new, I just had fun with an app one day and liked it. Thank you for the most thoughtful comment. Don’t worry, I’m hanging in there. Finally got to sleep last night!! Not as long as I’d like, but got some zzz’s. Hope you can sleep better. Love you sis. πŸ’‹πŸ’•

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