All about me.

wendy pencilI started this blog as a journey in my life, I don’t feel that I’ve been talking much about what has been going on with me recently.  I’ve decided to try to write a post every week that gives a little update about what is going on in my life.  This may end rather quickly as my life is rather boring.  So that’s 3 post I’m going to try to write each week.  Mindfulness Mondays, An Informational Post, and All about Me.  All about me is a bit of a therapeutic post.

This past week has been a bit emotional.  I realized just how much I’ve been focusing my stress on a certain person.  All the anger and sadness I’ve been feeling was focused on this person.  I’m dealing with a lot since my father died.  There’s a lot to process.  Some I don’t think I really want to process, but it’s coming out if I want it to or not.  I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress the past few months and all of that built up and I focused it on one certain person.  I didn’t realize it.  I thought everything I was thinking was true.  I thought everything I was feeling was true.  Some of it may be, but I don’t think most of it is.  This week it all came to a head.  First I told this person that everything was wrong and they just needed to go away.  Then I broke down.  What was happening to me?  Why was I acting like that?  I realized I was obsessing about this.  I felt out of control and thought this was one thing I could control, but it wouldn’t make things right.  Therefore things simply could not be right.  What was going on in my mind?  After breaking down in sobs and talking with Stuart the realization came out.  It’s not that person at all.  They were just a convenient scapegoat.  They were in the way of my wrath.  Gods forgive me, I was being a complete bitch.  And I’m still crying about it.  I’m trying really hard to make amends, I hope they can forgive me.  I can’t honestly say that everything I was feeling was because of miss-focused stress, but I know most of it was.  I don’t know if things will work out, I know I want it to, we can only try.

Other things that happened this week.  I saw my psychiatric PA.  I just love her.  She just moved offices and now we have to drive 45 minutes to get there, unfortunately this trip took an hour because of an accident, but I’m not willing to stop seeing her and start all over trying to find someone I click with.  As soon as I saw her she gave me a hug.  How many psych PA’s give their clients a hug when they see them?  I do like to think I’m special.  🙂   We decided that I need to increase my anti-depressant.  I’ve had very good response with Latuda but I still need a bit of tweaking.  I’ve just felt blah, angry, and I’m arguing much more than normal.   I’m sure Stuart will be very happy if that stops.

I didn’t see my therapist this week.  She’s moving.  Not her office, she’s moving her home.  I do look forward to seeing her again next week.

I did have PT for my neck on Monday.  I’m a little frustrated there.  Evidently the trigger points in my neck are getting better.  I’m not nearly as tight.  Yet, I left the PT session in much more pain than I was in when I got there.  The pain continued to be worse for a few days.  I had an appointment scheduled for Wednesday, but I canceled it.  I simply didn’t feel like going.  I had a migraine, I was very off balance and my neck really hurt.  I didn’t feel like going through all that again on that day.  I’ll go back next week.

Today we are going to go and look at cars.  We really need a new car.  I’m going to miss my little yellow convertible VW bug, but it isn’t practical and it is starting to need work.  This was supposed to be my car.  We bought it when we thought I was better.  Then I got worse again.  I’ve barely driven this car.  It makes me sad to think about that.  Getting rid of it is like getting rid of…oh I don’t know how to put it into word.  I got this car when I believed I was better.  I guess I’m getting rid of the last bit of that time.  I lost so much when it was over.

 

So that’s the end of this week.  I’m going to end with things I’m grateful for this week.

  • I’m grateful I realized how I’ve been focusing my stress and anger on the wrong person.
  • I’m grateful I have a wonderful psychiatric PA, it really helps.
  • I’m grateful we are able to get a more practical car.  It might bring up some sad memories, but I’m very grateful and happy we are able to get a car we need.
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11 thoughts on “All about me.

  1. Glad you realized you were misplacing your anger (and glad I wasn’t your misplaced anger person). Getting a hug from your PA was just what you needed.
    I kind of feel like that about my bicycle. I bought it right before I hurt my arm and the downward spiral began over the next few years. I still have my “new” bike and can’t seem to get rid of it even after over 20 years. It’s like brand new, still has the little nubbies on the tires–but if I get rid of it, then that’s like saying I will never get better. Was already paid for and doesn’t take up much room in my garage–LOL! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • No darling no misplaced anger at you.
      If I’m mad at you it’s the real thing. LOL
      I’m glad to know I’m not the only one with an attachment to something from before.
      I bet that bicycle is beautiful.

      Like

  2. WHAT a roller-coaster week for you, my dear friend.

    One of the things I have observed about those of us with challenges since my long-ago time wheelchair-bound is that we expect ourselves to be super-human otherwise. Of course we don’t want to give vent to anger and despair out of frustration with our current circumstances, but we are human beings with human emotions which occasionally lead to behaviors that aren’t especially pretty. Just like everybody else! I think we agonize over less-than-admirable thoughts, words and deeds more than those in more fortunate circumstances.

    Some of them don’t even think about apologizing, much less beat themselves up for what they have said and done. You continue to explore your feelings and reactions, and are willing and able to come to conclusions that are not simply defense mechanisms. That’s one of the many things we love and admire about you.

    I hope your “target” will accept your apology – but the important thing here is that YOU do. It also seems to me that you need to sift through what you were feeling and what you said and separate out what was TRUE about it, even though you may have over-reacted emotionally. Clearly, some changes are indicated – your frustrations did not come out of nowhere. I’d hate to see you allow relationship dynamics that don’t work for you in reaction to your recent realization.

    About the car – I can relate! I am holding on to many things that represent the person I was, hoping life will return to the happy state when I will want or need them again. Even though I am aware of why, letting them go still feels more like profound loss than clearing the way for a new future (that I’m not sure I’m all that happy about stepping into). I plan to use this post as inspiration to toss a few!

    Onward and upward (no matter our circumstances!)
    xx,
    mgh
    (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMore dot com)
    – ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder –
    “It takes a village to transform a world!”

    Like

    • Aw Madelyn, it’s been more than a week. 🙂
      It took a lot for me to realize that my frustrations were misplaced.
      I’m having a hard time sifting through what may be my false feelings about and what may have been my true feelings.
      Right now I’m trying to start with a clean slate and see how it goes.
      Best I can do I think.

      The car holds a lot of memories surrounding that time period.
      It’s hard to shake it. I will be very sorry to see it go.
      It is the last thing really that I have held on to from my ‘before’ me.
      Nice to know other people have done the same thing.

      We got the car when we thought we had found the cause for my disease and I was going to be better forever.
      It was my car. I was driving.
      We were in the process of becoming foster parents.
      after I got sick again is when I really began to lose my friendships.
      The car really brings back a lot.
      But mostly it brings back, how much I love that car.
      The feeling I got when I bought it.
      The first feelings of driving it without the top on.
      Oh how much I loved that car.
      but the last few years have been different.
      Since I can’t drive the top doesn’t come down as much.
      It’s really hard to get my walker in and out.
      It simply isn’t practical.
      Something I never thought I’d say I needed in a car.
      something practical. Geez I feel old.

      xo
      w

      Liked by 1 person

      • Wise – not old. Wisdom generally comes as we age, but focusing on the age part is missing what’s good about aging. We ALL do it, so we need to remind each other of the benefits of time on the earth, and that even the rotten experiences can be used as wisdom fodder.

        Still, I’m so sorry that you feel you must jettison something important to you. I felt the same way when I left grad school to move from New Orleans to New York and decided I had to sell my sports car – which I bought as I was finishing my undergrad degree, when I took a job at an in-house ad agency for a car dealership and had to have a car to get from school to work. It was my first car and I absolutely adored it. I drove it all over the country – many amazing memories!

        The only two good things about selling it were: #1 – I didn’t have to hassle alternate side of the street parking every daybreak in NYC, and #2 – it was bought by the father of a young man who was obviously THRILLED to be the next owner.

        Take a bazillion pictures (and include a few of the process of walker-management, so you stand a shot of laughing when you look at them.)
        xx,
        mgh

        Like

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