Glad I don’t own a Gun.

Yesterday was one of those really, really bad days.

It started off fine, I went downstairs, had some breakfast, was watching some cartoons.  And the noise in my ear started, and got louder, and louder.  My head started pounding.  I went to lay down, and it just got worse and worse.  I was screaming to please make it stop, that the doctors don’t understand, that I couldn’t stand it.  I was dizzy, and felt like I was going to throw up at any moment.   I told Stuart, if this didn’t stop I would make him hate me, because I’d have to stop it.  I knew then that if I had a gun I would have blown my head off just to make it stop.  (NO, I don’t want to kill myself, but the pain and noise was so unbearable.  If you’ve never been there you just can’t imagine.)  I’ve dealt with horrible, mind splitting headaches, and I’ve dealt with the deafening tinnitus. (yes, I know that’s a strange thing to call it, but if it was coming from the outside of my head instead of inside, that’s how it would feel.)  But dealing with the two together, is just too much!

It hurts me so much to see my husband wanting desperately to do something to help, but he can’t.

I took two Vicoden (Hydrocodone), a Valium, and Phenergan.  Finally, it started to ease.  In no way did it go away, but I wasn’t writhing in pain any longer.  We propped me up on an incline to try to ease my pressure.  It seems if I’m too flat it hurts worse, if I’m up right it hurts worse, but being on an incline helps…sometimes.

I wrote an email to Dr. Gray last night.  I wanted to make sure she knows how desperate I am right now.  I sent a copy to Dr. Kaylie too.

There has to be a way to make this better.  I was so much better for so long.  I believe, I can be that way again.  But I know now, that I will never stop living in fear that it will come back.  On any given day, at any time, I could have my life fall apart…over and over again.  Dr. Kaylie calls it “Random Punishment”, you never know when it will happen, but you know it’s coming.  I’ve had it explained to me, that it’s similar to serving in a war.  You aren’t under fire all the time, but you are constantly aware that it could happen at any moment.  That does things to a person’s mind.  Talk about anxiety!

This piece is still in progress, but I felt like it was appropriate for today.

So I will have the courage to enjoy every moment I have when I’m not enduring that hell.  I will never take a day for granted.  One day at a time….just one day at a time.


4 thoughts on “Glad I don’t own a Gun.

  1. Oh, gosh, Wendy. I am so sorry you are continuing to suffer. Someone with MM once wrote about wanting the misery to end so badly that they just wanted to die. They said their therapist put it perfectly, “You don’t really want to die, you just need some relief.” That seems to be exactly what you’re saying now, too.

    I really hope the doctors hear your desperation and bring you in right away – hospitalize you if necessary, and not let you go until things are controlled. This uncontrolled situation just seems to be be going on for way too long. Go to the ER if you have to.

    If you are feeling this desperate, things may be further out of control medically than you realize. I know when I am in the midst of intense vertigo, I certainly cannot assess my own situation well. I’ve been known to drive on more than one occasion, just desperate to get home and into bed. Then I’ve pulled into the driveway and not even had the coordination to walk in the house. That’s when I sort of realize that I had no business driving and that my judgement is not what it should be.

    Take it a moment at a time. One leads to the next and if there’s one guarantee in life it’s that things change. Hold on and reach out for help.



  2. Wendy, These episodes sound so horrible, this Meniere Monster is certainly trying to make your life as miserable as he can. I don’t know how you cope. I am praying for you…I don’ know if anyone is listening to me…but I’m trying.


  3. Liz

    I am so sorry you had such an awful attack. I really, really hope you are finding some relief by now. And honestly I do understand why you’re glad you don’t own a gun.

    I experienced spinal headache after a c-section that felt like someone was beating me on the back of my neck and head with a two-by-four each time my heart beat. Although that was more than twenty years ago, I clearly remember thinking that facing that pain for the rest of my life might be a reason for suicide. I was lucky to get temporary relief when lying flat on my back, though, and after two or three days they put a blood patch on the anesthesia puncture holes and the headache faded away.

    My understanding is that low CSF pressure can cause a spinal headache, and I was a prime candidate for the headache because I had been punctured a second time when the first one seemed to “take” only on one side.

    PLEASE be very careful about changing the delicate balance of CSF pressure in your body. The consequences can be severe. I’m so glad you e-mailed the two doctors. And I agree with Angelea that at this time you need to be monitored very closely if not actually hospitalized.

    As Angelea also said, things change. Better days are ahead. This pain will go away. Please put yourself in the hands of caring professionals who can help you find relief and family and friends who will surround you with love.

    I hope that by the time you read this you are feeling much MUCH better!


  4. I, too, hope the doctors hear your desperation and tell you what options you have when this happens again. Hopefully, they will put plans into place so that you can be tested when you have another episode and get a clearer picture of what is happening to you in real time. Having to wait for an appointment doesn’t seem to accomplish much other than add more of everything you’re already dealing with.

    Hugs to you and hugs to Stuart. It’s so hard to stand by and feel so helpless when all you want to help so much and make it all go away.



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