I like to think I have a good grasp on things as they are.  I appreciate the little things, and change my expectations of life as things change.  I try hard not to wallow, or whine, or really miss things I can no longer do.  (most things I simply do a different way, or I find something else)  Point being I try very hard NOT to dwell on the past.  Not to say I don’t have my pity parties, but they don’t usually last long, and I can usually pick myself up pretty quickly.

There is one thing that I miss so very much, and no matter how creative I get, or how much my husband tries, it’sjust not the same.

I miss SEX!  That wild, abandon…a night of Passion, sweat, hormones, and sweet, sweet afterglow.    The night before last I had a dream…oh what a dream!  And when I woke up, I was so sad, and heartbroken that this may never happen again, except in those fleeting dreams.  (there is always hope though)

Caution, this is the part where I’ll probably tell way too much information.

There is a series of complications behind our lack…or rather, creative, sex life.

For a while there, I couldn’t have sex without having vertigo.  The Meniere’s was just taking over every aspect of my life.  But it’s not this illness that causes most of the trouble.

I have chronic pelvic pain, and hip pain.  And so far the doctors I’ve seen don’t really know why, or how to fix it.  They can’t figure out if the pelvic issues caused the hip (and tailbone) pain, or visa versa.

Caution again: Explicit description of my pelvic pain issues coming.

All of the major causes of pelvic pain have been ruled out…. vulvodynia, endometriosis, fibroids….ect.

I have muscular issues.  Vague I know.  Within a woman without this problem when she gets excited the muscles in her vagina contract a bit, it’s pleasant, it starts all the juices flowing and you are getting ready…they continue to spasm a bit…in a nice way, until it builds to an orgasm, the muscles spasm, and it feels oh so good.  This is what naturally happens to most women.

For me, when I start to get excited, the muscles spasm way too much, and it’s painful.  At first just a bit of stinging and uncomofortableness, but even a very passionate kiss, the kind you can suddenly feel in your loins. (I hope you know the kind.) Could cause me to have horrible spasms.  Foreplay, oral sex…oh the pain.   During actual intercourse, the muscles are stretched, and it hurts less…actually it’s much more enjoyable than any the rest.  Most of the time, when I have an orgasm it is intensely painful.  I’m talking, want to throw my husband off of me, scream in pain and curl up in the fetal position.  Needless to say, I got to the point where I was simply too afraid of this pain, and the emotional turmoil afterward to have any desire to try to have sex.

If this wasn’t enough, now I also have hip pain, so the part that I could enjoy is extremely painful, just in a different area.  When having sex, in the missionary position, the pressure from the man on my hip is excruciating.  Yes, we’ve gotten creative, I can keep one leg straight sometimes, or we he can enter from behind.  (but you know, that position, every single time simply gets old.)

For the vaginal issues, I’ve been to a number of specialist.  I’ve had biofeedback (yes they insert a probe inside and read the muscle contractions and you try to learn to release them, I even had one to take home an practice with.  But when the extreme spasms only happen when I’m excited, this didn’t work very well.).  I’ve had numbing shots in my vagina…that was horrific!  I’ve had special internal physical therapy.  Muscle relaxers…numbing creams…ect…ect…

Some of these worked, to a point, but only for a while, for some reason they would stop working.  None of them took all the pain away.

For the hip issues, I’ve had 2 Arthroscopic surgeries, correcting a torn labrum.  It didn’t help.  I was seeing one of the top hip specialist in the country, and after the second surgery, and I was still in pain, he did an MRI to make sure nothing was left inside me during surgery…yes this made me feel very confident in my surgeon.  Then he called me and told me that he didn’t see anything and he saw no reason for me to come back.  “Yes, he CALLED to tell me this!”  I was so stunned.  He gave me no hope at all, I’d have to live with it.

I asked around to people who had orthopedic troubles to see what doctor they could recommend.  A friend had a very torn up ankle, she is an athlete, and saw a Dr. Jones who made her better than before!  (her words)  So I called his office.  He wanted to see my records and scans, before I came in to see him.  He called and told me that hips weren’t his specialty, and after viewing my information he felt another doctor would be able to help me more.  A different Dr. Jones.  I admired this doctor I’d never met more than I ever did my first surgeon.  He looked over my records and films and knew to recommend me to someone with more expertise in this area, and he never charged me a cent.

My new Dr. Jones, sent me to aqua-therapy, and medical massage.  I did wonderfully, I started to feel so much better  (it didn’t help the pelvic pain, but my hip felt much better)….then I had to move to the gym and harder exercises, all the pain came back in a flood.  Dr. Jones was at a loss.  All my films showed a little of this and a little of that, but nothing that he could just go in and fix and make it better.  I have a little bit of hip displaysia…my IT band is too tight, my Psoas is too tight….but he said I can’t stay in PT and massage for ever.  (I thought…why not if it keeps me off out of surgery…but alas insurance wouldn’t pay for it.)  By this time, the Meniere’s was demanding all my attention.  Dr. Jones thought he could go in and really look to see what was going on, and possibly “release” some of the tension from my IT band and Psoas.  But we decided to put this off until I could get the Meniere’s under control.  He did prescribe me a ‘drug’ called Limbrel, for the inflammation, I put the word drug in quotes because it’s actually a pharmaceutical food supplement, not a drug per se.  I can’t take anti-inflamatories because of stomach issues, and I’m very allergic to Celebrex!  It has helped, he also has me on pain killers for the exceptionally rough days.  Bad News….my other hip has started giving me the same issues.  I haven’t had this looked at yet.

I decided to start seeing a massage therapist on a regular basis and she has really helped my hip.  I can walk without a cane!  And the day to day pain is much better.  But it still hurts to have sex.

When I was younger, I was … how shall I say this …frankly…very sexually active.   Much more than I actually should have been, but untreated bipolar can lead to not the best decisions, and I was dealing with a lot of other issues surrounding sex.  But we won’t get in to all that.

Let’s just say, with the right partner, sex was very passionate, experimental, and one of the most pleasurable things I’ve ever experienced.

When I first started seeing Stuart we had a very active sex life….Whew, when I think of that, my mind spins.  (in a good way!)  The pelvic pain had started, but it was mild and I could deal with it.  It didn’t really bother me, it was actually kind of pleasurable.  Not to say, I love pain, but it was mainly just noticing extra muscle spasms.  Then it got worse, and worse, and I started avoiding sex.  I was afraid.  It was very traumatic, I actually told Stuart to go find it somewhere else.  I’d still be here, and still love him, but it wasn’t fair that he was being forced to be celibate because of me.   He didn’t like that idea at all, and needless to say, we worked through it.  He admits he never thought he’d feel this way about someone, but sex is not that important.  It’d be nice if it could be the way it was, but it’s secondary.

I agree, but …. Dang it all I want it like it was, I miss it, and I need it!!  I remember in the dream the other night, I whispered in his ear, “Sometimes I want you so bad it hurts.”  It’s that ironic or what?

During the special PT, we found that stretching the muscles helps.  But I could not get into it, when we had to stretch those muscles right before we could have sex.  Talk about no spontaneity.  And I felt like it was too medical.   We tried to make it more, fun, but I felt inadequate that we had to go through this, and hope it worked.

Then we found a vibrator could really help.  Not only could we stretch with it, and it was pleasurable to me, the vibrations calmed the muscles down and I could have an orgasm with minimal and sometimes no pain.  But that’s not sex.  (If anyone out there has pelvic pain and thinks this may help, please email me and I’ll tell you one of the best tools you can buy…it has saved me.)  Sometimes, we can play with it for a while, then have intercourse…but the hip pain is still there.  (Damn, can’t I get a break?)

Playing with just the vibrator and having mutual masterbation was fun at first, but I really, really miss just wild sex.  Getting all hot and heavy, and throwing one another down and getting to it!  (even if I didn’t have this problem, I think I’d have to get in better shape before I could have sex like I really want…but it’d be so much fun trying.)

In my dream, we had just met, and were so sexually attracted, we played “the game”, you know that flirting that you know is going to lead to more…and it was HOT.  Then I woke up in pain.  Yes, it even hurts to have a sexy dream.

I know my husband loves me, and still finds me very sexually attractive.  He makes me feel desirable.  But it’s so hard.  I want the build-up…the game…romance.  But that hurts.  Often, when Stuart does little things to show he still thinks I’m hot, like giving me one of those kisses, or “accidentally” brushing my breast, or grabbing my butt in the grocery store…it hurts me. Literally, hurts me.  It causes physical pain, and breaks my heart.  (but mentally, I need this from him, so it’s worth it, I need to know he doesn’t see me as just a patient, that he sees me as a sex pot, like he used to.)

So even when we want to fool around with the help from the vibrator, it has to be sudden.  Jump right to it.  No build up…or PAIN.

I hope when the Meniere’s stops controlling my life…notice I say when and not if!  I do believe it will get more manageable.  Any way, when Mr. Meniere’s lets go of his grip on me, I plan to go to the UNC Pelvic Pain Center.  They are supposed to be able to perform miracles.  Not that I expect any, but I’m very willing to give it a try.

All I know is…I want SEX!!  Really, good wild monkey love kind of sex!!