yeah, I didn’t get that done…

You may recall my post back in December where I talked about my fear of gaining weight.  I felt like I was handling that better, and things were going well.  I was trying to focus on nutrition and not on weight.  I have been trying to eat more mindfully, more intentionally (appreciating the food, accepting it’s nourishment, paying attention to my hunger cues….)

I say try on all of these because I haven’t been doing a very good job recently.

I promised I’d write a post about mindful eating last week, and well….. yeah, I didn’t get that done.  I started getting very obsessed with food this week.

The fight with food is strong in this one (ha, I sound like Obi Wan..or Yoda).

I was doing well when the scale was staying the same, and even went down a little.  Yes I still want to lose that last 10 pounds.  I think I’m more anxious about my weight because  I still have not gotten to the weight I want to be at, if I can get there I think I can keep it off, but why will these last few pounds not go away?  yeah, I know there’s more to it than that, but it’s very hard to voice what I’m feeling.

I know it’s not healthy to be so obsessed with my weight, but I also feel like if I’m not very diligent I will end up back where I was.  I really don’t want that.  I feel better about myself now (no, really I do!!).  I’m more confident when I meet people.  I have more stamina…..  I know how bad I feel when I’m bigger, both physically and mentally, and this is better.  Even though I’m obsessing about weight gain, it’s better than beating myself up over being fat all the time.  Hiding my body, not wanting to wear clothes that show skin, not wanting to be intimate, avoiding looking at myself in the mirror, cringing when I’d catch sight of myself in a store window…these are not healthy things.  My fear of gaining weight is part of that.  I don’t want to feel so out of control any more.

I am seeing a therapist about this.  After a friend shared that she had been seeing a therapist through an online counseling site, and she had a very positive experience.  With all the barriers I have trying to go to see a therapist face to face, I decided to give it a try.  I’m so glad I did.

I’ve been “seeing” my new therapist for a couple of weeks now, and by golly this woman has earned her money!  I was not in a good frame of mind this past week.  Food issues, anger, racing thoughts, insomnia…..mania.  Yep, I had a manic swing.  It wasn’t as strong as it has been, and I’m pretty proud of how I handled things, but it I was not my normal self.  I’m sure my new therapist didn’t think I was handling things very well when I bombarded her with emails for 2 days, but I just had a live chat session with her and it’s all good.   (by bombarding her, I mean that I wrote her 5 emails within about 3 hours, all of which were looooong.  If she weren’t my therapist I’d be embarrassed.  Okay, I’m still embarrassed)

I’m going to close for now.  I just wanted you all to know that, I’m not dead, I will eventually write a post about eating mindfully, and I am seeing someone about these issues of mine.

 

Have you ever thought about online counseling?

Would you try it, or not?  why?

I’ll share more of my experience soon…..no, really, I promise I will.

 

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