Tag: Depression

Longing for a Warmer Winter

On By WendyIn Disability, Life, Meniere's Disease7 Comments
A Snow Day in North Carolina

This year we’ve had a lot a snow, and ice.  Not as much as a lot of the country, but more than we usually get in Durham, NC.

In 2006 we moved to Palm Springs, CA for a couple of years.  We had two winters there.

Now in January I sometimes miss the smell of citrus in the air.  In Palm Springs the orange, lemons, limes, and grapefruit trees are full of fruit this time of year. In our yard we had a small orange tree and a beautiful lemon tree.  I used to pick lemons every day during the winter.  I’d make fresh lemonade, I’d cook with them, clean with them, and I’d simply have bowls of lemons sitting around my house for the beauty and the smell.

Lemon Tree in our yard in Palm Springs, CA. Jan. 2006
Our First Orange.

I remember when our small orange tree produced its first orange, Stuart and I split it.  It was so juicy.  I was so thrilled to be eating an orange that I picked from our own yard.  (Stuart grew up in Tucson, so this concept was not as new to him, but he would get so tickled with me.)

We also had this beautiful tree in our yard that they locals called Fairy Dusters.

Here’s a typical sunset seen from our yard:

Palm Tree in the Sunset. Jan. 2006

Living in Palm Springs gave me a great appreciation for warm winters.  It was interesting though, you could get on the Palm Springs Arial Tramway to go up  Mount San Jacinto  (2,643 ft elevation to the station at the top). It would be in the high 70’s and when you got on the Tram in Palm Springs but by the time you reached the top it would be snowing.  It was amazing.  It really gave you an appreciation of just how different the climate in the world is, in just a few minutes you could go from the desert to a freezing mountain top.

Cold weather to me means 1. more Meniere’s attacks.  2. more Migraines. 3. more general aches and pains (I have simply broken too many bones.)  4. my nose runs all the time. 5. I get a cough. 6. I see more mucus than I ever want. 7. I have to run the humidifier because the heat dries me out. 8. I get grumpy….well, even more grumpy than usual.

Oh I could go on I’m sure….I simply do not like the cold.   (*insert here – “bitch, bitch, bitch”*)  Because that’s what I would say if I heard someone else go on and on about this.  : )

Are you one of those people who just couldn’t live without seeing the snow each year?  Who love the cold?  Or are you like me – to heck with that!  I want a warm winter!  Or worse than that….are you one of those who are actually having a warm winter right now?  (really I won’t hate you…but I will envy you.)

* A note about living in Palm Springs.*

Palm Springs, is a little different from actually living in the desert.  It has plenty of water.  They water the grass there all the time.  They have no water shortage.  I still think it is such a waste. There are more than 125 gold courses in the Palm Springs area (this includes the surrounding towns).  All the water they use to keep those gold courses green it made it humid there all the time.  We lived in the desert, yet it was humid.  So in the summers when it was 125F, it was still humid out.  That’s why most of the residents are “snow birds”.  Many of the businesses shut down in the summer.  Even some of the churches close in the summer.  The summers were like living in a ghost town…..a very, very hot ghost town.

Do you ever wonder?

On By WendyIn Disability, Life, Meniere's Disease8 Comments

What you are about to read is very personal.  I’m not even sure if I should be writing it.  Please, do not judge me, and do not pity me.  I will get through this, but I hit a big bump in the road today…and found out it was a sink hole.  It’s going to take some work to pull myself out.  But I know I can.


Do you ever have one of those days when you wonder if it’s even worth it?

Yeah, you know what I mean.  The thing you don’t dare talk about.

How can I think that way?  My life isn’t that bad.  There are so many people who have lives that are so much worse than mine….but maybe, just maybe, they are stronger than I am.  Or maybe I just want to feel like someone who can do something is listening.

I had the most lovely dream last night, I won’t go into the details.  My husband just doesn’t understand why I let dreams get to me so much.  It’s just a dream…but I know it’s my subconscious trying to tell me something.  Some way to help.

Then I woke up, and realized that I was still here.  And dang it, I can’t hear again.  Then Stuart tells me that he talked to Dr. Gray’s appointment scheduler, and they were trying to get me in sometime in January, but it just doesn’t look like it’s going to work and they don’t have their February calendar open yet.  What?  It’s the middle of January, and you can’t give me a February appointment?  That is just too frigging unbelievable to me.  And yes, I know that they are busy, but I’ve been trying to get someone to help me since December 4th.

Well, everything went a bit down hill from there.  And again, I won’t go in to any more details.  But today has been a very bad day.  After my complete melt down, I tried to sleep.  I kept waking up. I was having the weirdest dreams…these dreams I don’t think meant anything.  They were just weird.  One dream, I was stuck looking at a recipe on how to make Sauerkraut.  I know how to make Sauerkraut.  I just told my husband today that I needed to start a new batch tomorrow, but I don’t think I needed to just stare at the recipe for the whole time I was asleep.  Another dream, I missed jury duty because Stuart told me it was the wrong date, and they were going to arrest me.  In that same dream dog poop was legal tender.  They didn’t understand what checks were.  I was so confused, and so grossed out at the same time.  (but dogs were treated very well)

I’ve cried so much today that I feel like I have blisters around my eye lids.

I scared my husband today.  I feel so bad.  I do wonder if it is really all worth it.  I very logically think.  The problem is with me.  If I were not in the picture the problem would be gone.  Simple.  He completely freaked.  I’ve never seen him so freaked out.  My husband is always so calm and collected.  When I’m having an attack and thinking the world is ending he is my rock, and I saw the rock cracking.

I guess the problem wouldn’t be gone for him, not like I thought it would, I just never believed anyone could care for me that much.  I need to realize just how it would hurt him more if I were not here.  I may be a lot of trouble, but I’m his trouble, and he’s much more willing to deal with that than dealing with not having me here.  My mother died over 17 years ago and I grieve for her every day.  I never want my husband to hurt that bad, and I saw that horror in his face today.  I have to find a way to deal with all of this better than I have been.

Some days I feel so strong.  I feel like I can handle anything.  Then other days it will only take a feather to knock me over.  On most days I will think, how could I even think about such a thing?  But then everything will just come crashing down again.  I don’t feel like I hold things in.  That I don’t allow myself to feel.  But my husband and therapist say I do, then everything comes down at once.

Things will get better for a while now.  I know they will.  But I really need to be careful and not let things build back up like this.

Stuart and I are going to work very hard to find an outlet for us.  To try to not stay cooped up in the house all the time.  We need to find a place where we feel safe, welcome, and where there are people who have similar interests that we do.

Please, don’t worry about me.  I’ll be fine.  I have a good support group to help me.  I’m only writing about this, in case it may help someone else who may have some of these feelings.