Why am I so nervous?

On Tuesday I will be receiving 6th, Lumbar Puncture.   I know it’s not a big procedure.  It doesn’t really hurt.  But I’m so scared.

After the first LP, they thought they knew what was wrong with me.  Low CSF pressure caused by spinal fluid leaks.  Simple diagnosis, treatment hasn’t been as simple…I keep getting leaks.  So now. as I mentioned before, we are facing a possible new diagnosis.  (Intercranial Hypertension with Spontaneous CSF leaks)  From what I understand, even harder to treat.  The meds that are supposed to help, well, I’ve been taking them and either the side-effects are too much, or I don’t see where they are doing anything.

A possible shunt has been mentioned.  (I don’t even want to think about that right now, but I know it’s a real possibility.)

I have such conflicting emotions right now.  I feel emotionally stronger in many ways, and in other ways, I’m scared out of my wits.

The art has been helping me so much!  There is a possibility I may have a small show in the next 6 months or so.  Something to really work towards.

I have finally come to terms with the fact that many of my friends are simply not going to be there for us.  But we have some good neighbors who proved recently that they can be relied upon.  It’s hard to explain, but I’m better about it.  Not as hurt…finding out who are really important to me.

So, back to the fear.  What am I really afraid of?  I think I’m mostly afraid of an iffy diagnosis.  One of those, “Well, we know what it’s not….”

That’s where my head is tonight.

I’ll leave you with this drawing I did the other night.  I was trying to sleep…all of sudden the idea of this came to me..I had to draw it!

Window of the phases of my life.

You can find out more about what each window pane represents on Create to Heal.

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10 thoughts on “Why am I so nervous?

  1. Wendy, I would be scared too, I think it is completely normal to be freaking out. I will be thinking of you and hoping that everything goes well.

    Good luck
    mo

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  2. I am sure that Drs. Gray and Kaylie will continue to work with you to get to the bottom of your change in symptoms. They are so dedicated that way. They will make suggestions with your best interest at heart. By Tuesday night you’ll have a clearer understanding of what is going on, and I am sure Dr. Gray will have a plan of action for you. Hang on just a little bit longer and many questions will be answered.
    Having your art as an outlet is a wonderful idea. Looking forward to seeing it displayed in a show. The Spring sounds like a great time of year to shoot for.

    Some of your friends may be keeping in the shadows, allowing you space to do what you need to do in order to feel better. Don’t write them all off yet.

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    • Linda, I know Drs, Gray and Kaylie will continue to work…but I’m still frightened. I’ve been through way too many tests where they were inconclusive. Fear isn’t giving up. It’s just what it is.

      About my friends. Some will come back around, others won’t. I’m ok with that. I will be their acquaintance, but it would take a very long time for me to trust some of them again. When I specifically reach out and ask for help, and no one responds, or the same 2 -3 people respond…well, that’s not fair, or to me or to the good friends for me to treat them the same as the people who seem to be afraid they will catch something.

      hope things are as well as they can be for you. wendy

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  3. Hi Wendy,

    So sorry to hear about the health issue. I agree, it is scary not to know exactly what is going on. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you good vibes and wishes for healing…and your drawing is really intriguing. I see the hope in there. 🙂

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  4. As someone who’s been told “Well, we know what it’s not…”, and was then given a long list of “what it’s not”, I understand your fear. There’s so much uncertainty, you want to hear something definite, something that will help you. I know I felt at times like time stood still and nothing was happening to help me. Other times, because I was seeing the internist every 3 weeks or so, it felt like I was spinning my wheels because I was having all this blood work done and usually some other test between visits and nothing was being discovered. You also want to be proactive as opposed to reactive and right now there isn’t much opportunity to be proactive.

    I hope today’s procedure brings you some answers so that your treatment can move forward.

    Maureen

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  5. My thoughts are are with you. Fear and nervousness is natural; it’s the what ifs than can be harder to deal with than concrete knowing. Take good care. Will check out your window panes/pains on create to heal. (((((hugs)))))

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