I don’t mean to….(fighting depression)

On By WendyIn Bipolar, Bipolar, Chronic Illness

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I don’t mean to stay away.

I don’t mean to make you worry.

I walk around in a daze lately, and can’t see through the fog.

I feel like I’m lost in the dark and the only lights I see are from the flames of hell.

I can’t tell  you why.

There is no real reason.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a pawn in someone else’s game.  I can see two demons hunched over a game board, we are the pieces they move.  We have no control over how the game is played; we can only hope they play fairly, but we all know that demons never play fair.

How can I feel so level headed and focused at one point and so out of control and totally depressed at the next.  What changed?

Sometimes the answer is “nothing”.  Other times, the answer is more complicated, but the thing is, it’s really not about what has happened on the outside, it’s all about what’s going on on the inside.

Right now I could actually write a huge list of things that have changed in my life, but none of them explain the extreme changes in my emotional state.

I’m not “letting things get to me”, nor am I “too sensitive”.  I’m falling apart from the inside out, and it has nothing to do with anything I am doing to myself.

Damn! Does that sound as stupid to any of you as it does to me?

I get so pissed off when someone tells me that they wish I didn’t let things get to me so much, or that they wish I wasn’t so sensitive….yeah well…yadayadayada.  I guess, it is all on me, isn’t it?  But then again…is it?  If it were up to me I sure wouldn’t allow things to “get to me”, and I wouldn’t be overly “sensitive”.  Heck, if it were up to me I’d be pretty friggin’ stoic sometimes, but I’m not, I simply can’t be like that.  I feel things, very deeply sometimes, I actually envy people who can “bury it” or “put walls up”, I can’t do that.  I’ve tried, oh how I’ve tried.  I really do envy those people…..sometimes…like now…not always.

Lately, all I want to do is eat, sleep, and cry.   In reality I’m not sleeping enough, but I’m spending a lot of time trying to; I’m eating too much, the weight gain proves it, and I’m either crying or pissed most of the time!  But I’m trying really, really hard not to be like that.  Heck, I don’t even know why I’m crying, and I sure can’t tell you what I’m so mad about.  Here’s the kicker, something will happen that doesn’t bother me at all and then the exact same thing can happen again and suddenly I’m so pissed I can’t think straight, or I’m crying so hard I can’t see.  What changed there?  So…is that all on me?  or is it out of my control?   More importantly, is this something that is just happening because of outside circumstances and will blow over, or does my medication need to be adjusted?  Honestly, I have no clue.  (I think it’s probably the later, or maybe a little bit of both?

Even with all I know about mental illness, (from my experiences with bipolar disorder, anxiety, and depression) I still feel like it’s my fault.  I never feel like that about another person’s battles with mental illness, why do I hold myself to a different standard?  Is it simply because I’m often told, “I wish you didn’t let things get to you so much”, or is it because I think this is a part of me that I should be able to control.  I don’t have a lot in my life that I feel I have control over, surely I can control how I react to things.  Isn’t that what I’ve been practicing mindfulness for?  Simply accepting the way things are and not wishing it to be different.  Well honey, I do wish it were different right now, but I am trying hard to accept that it just is the way it is, and I know for certain that things will change.  Nothing stays the same, everything changes, I can always take solace in this, unless I’m deep in depression, then I think, “Yes, things change, it could get so much worse!”  Aaahhhh….No!  I can’t get caught in the future trap!  You know that trap, the one in your mind that predicts a future…good or bad, watch out! it’s a trap!  Chances are that the future you prophesied will not turn out the way your mind told you it would; staying in the present is the only way to really deal with life’s challenges, it’s it?  I KNOW these things.  Why then, is it so very hard?

I will try to take it moment by moment and be kind to myself.

I’ll try not to stay away.

I don’t want you to worry.

 

one moment at a time, I’ll get through this

 

*photo taken at Tumacacori National Park by W. Holcombe.  Please do not use without permission.  All rights reserved.

21 thoughts on “I don’t mean to….(fighting depression)”

  3. Ah Wendy I’m so sorry. I understand because I’m going through depression right now also. My symptoms are different, but still I feel miserable. People around me are also feeling the pain and I feel guilty about that. I hope you feel better quickly!

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    1. Oh Louise, I’m sorry you are also experiencing this. I too am feeling guilty by how this is affecting those I love…namely my husband, it kills me to see the pain and worry in his eyes.
      I hope we both get through this soon. Gentle hugs. xo

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  4. This reminds me of myself. After completing my enlistment with the US Army including combat service, it took me about three years to learn to manage my emotional states. I would have these extreme highs and then extreme lows daily. It made life so difficult that holding a job, maintaining relationships of any kind was an unbearable chore. Somewhere I came across the idea that our emotional states could be controllable because they are our own feelings and what is ours we can take charge of. Now I wouldn’t advise anybody to do it this way. I’m just one of those people who thrives on challenges. But for me it was all or nothing. And I’m blessed to have come through to the other side intact. If any of you are struggling with this please get professional help. I know how tough it can be. Bless you Wendy for sharing with us, and being kind to yourself is so important.

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  6. At least there is a part of you that sees that this is your illness–not you being “bad” in some way, not some circumstance or change in your life. The change for no reason is your clue–this is illness and this is what it does. And it will change again. A large part of your brain does work well-look at how you can write, and you can create poetry even from pain. That is amazing. You are amazing. Sending you good wishes for feeling better.

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    1. Thank you Judy. I needed that. I have felt like I’ve been doing things wrong, that I’m selfish and should just suck it up. Some days I’m better at that than others. Writing has been hard. Very hard. Everything is hard, if I’m honest.
      I don’t feel amazing, but I’m doing my damndest to get there. Thank you for supporting me. Much love

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    1. You are so sweet. It’s so complicated.
      I do feel like a complete mess, and feel selfish for being so self absorbed.
      As much as I feel like all I want is to be held, a lot of the time I can’t stand it.
      Stuart thinks I’m having panic attacks, I think he may be right.
      I’m just so confused.
      Love you chica, you make my heart swell. xoxo

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  8. Big, loving hugs to you and Stuart.

    No, you didn’t sound stupid when you talked about falling apart from the inside out. Far from it. It makes sense to me.

    And as someone who has been told since I was a young child to not be so sensitive, I understand the anger that comes with still being told that as an adult. It is very dismissive of how you are feeling and what you are going through. While I wouldn’t wish any of what we all have to live with on anyone, some compassion would go a long way.

    So many thoughts but don’t want to write an essay. However, if you just feel like venting, you know where I am.

    ❤❤❤

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  9. Pingback: Monday Magic – Inspiring Blogs for You! | Pain Pals

  10. Ahh Wendy, I am sorry to hear you’re struggling with depression. Yes, could it be, like you say, you need a med adjustment, or med change? What do you think? It seems to me to be that.

    My depression hits me where I recede from others, hide in my bed, escape in my head. I worry about my interactions, because I’m not in the right frame of mind.

    (((LOVE AND HUGS MY FRIEND, KEEP STRONG, YOU’RE WONDERFUL))) XOX

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    1. Faith, you are AWESOME my dear!
      Thank you for your kindness.
      I read the latest Red Shoes….OMGoodness I did not see that coming!
      Loving it!
      I love your mysteries.
      Thank you for the appetite suppressant info, I found it on Amazon! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I worked so hard to get this weight off to see it coming back on is so aarrrgh!!! having a hard time with that one. My clothes are getting tighter my rings are tighter…I’m so not happy with that at all.
      I was able to exercise a bit today. and I ate pretty well.
      one day at a time right?

      I’m so very glad you are back on line. I really missed you when you were away.

      Thank you for being my friend.
      xo

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  11. Hi Wendy – so well written. We have mental health issues going on in our house that have have rocked so much over the last couple of weeks (teen son) that I can’t even write about them yet. But thank you for this – I have mentioned you and shared your post in a shout out on Magic Magic Inspiring Blogs for You! Claire x

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  12. Remember all the changes that have taken place so quickly — so can become ungrounded, and depression is a symbol of feeling adrift. Perhaps you are grieving — what has been lost, what hasn’t been gained, what just hasn’t. Hug yourself when there isn’t anyone physically around to hug you and know that you are part of a community who cares, supports, and sends you gentle hugs. Sometimes when down, we don’t always feel those virtual hugs as deeply.
    What makes you the unique special person that you are is your empathy and sensitivity — these are positive traits, not things people should be dismissive of.
    “Depression, suffering, and anger are all part of being human.” Janet Fitch. And to be human is to not be the very same person every day. Mindfulness doesn’t necessarily mean you never change; it means you are aware of this moment and how you feel within it. These moments change; you change. So if you are okay with something one day, and pissed the next, you are being human. If you live in these moments, feel them for what they are, you are being a mindful human.

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