yeah, I didn’t get that done…

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness

You may recall my post back in December where I talked about my fear of gaining weight.  I felt like I was handling that better, and things were going well.  I was trying to focus on nutrition and not on weight.  I have been trying to eat more mindfully, more intentionally (appreciating the food, accepting it’s nourishment, paying attention to my hunger cues….)

I say try on all of these because I haven’t been doing a very good job recently.

I promised I’d write a post about mindful eating last week, and well….. yeah, I didn’t get that done.  I started getting very obsessed with food this week.

The fight with food is strong in this one (ha, I sound like Obi Wan..or Yoda).

I was doing well when the scale was staying the same, and even went down a little.  Yes I still want to lose that last 10 pounds.  I think I’m more anxious about my weight because  I still have not gotten to the weight I want to be at, if I can get there I think I can keep it off, but why will these last few pounds not go away?  yeah, I know there’s more to it than that, but it’s very hard to voice what I’m feeling.

I know it’s not healthy to be so obsessed with my weight, but I also feel like if I’m not very diligent I will end up back where I was.  I really don’t want that.  I feel better about myself now (no, really I do!!).  I’m more confident when I meet people.  I have more stamina…..  I know how bad I feel when I’m bigger, both physically and mentally, and this is better.  Even though I’m obsessing about weight gain, it’s better than beating myself up over being fat all the time.  Hiding my body, not wanting to wear clothes that show skin, not wanting to be intimate, avoiding looking at myself in the mirror, cringing when I’d catch sight of myself in a store window…these are not healthy things.  My fear of gaining weight is part of that.  I don’t want to feel so out of control any more.

I am seeing a therapist about this.  After a friend shared that she had been seeing a therapist through an online counseling site, and she had a very positive experience.  With all the barriers I have trying to go to see a therapist face to face, I decided to give it a try.  I’m so glad I did.

I’ve been “seeing” my new therapist for a couple of weeks now, and by golly this woman has earned her money!  I was not in a good frame of mind this past week.  Food issues, anger, racing thoughts, insomnia…..mania.  Yep, I had a manic swing.  It wasn’t as strong as it has been, and I’m pretty proud of how I handled things, but it I was not my normal self.  I’m sure my new therapist didn’t think I was handling things very well when I bombarded her with emails for 2 days, but I just had a live chat session with her and it’s all good.   (by bombarding her, I mean that I wrote her 5 emails within about 3 hours, all of which were looooong.  If she weren’t my therapist I’d be embarrassed.  Okay, I’m still embarrassed)

I’m going to close for now.  I just wanted you all to know that, I’m not dead, I will eventually write a post about eating mindfully, and I am seeing someone about these issues of mine.

 

Have you ever thought about online counseling?

Would you try it, or not?  why?

I’ll share more of my experience soon…..no, really, I promise I will.

 

9 thoughts on “yeah, I didn’t get that done…”

  1. Whatever works for you is good. I do think that being able to talk to someone who is an outsider so to speak and who can get you to see things from a different perspective or has some new ideas is just what you need sometimes. I’ve been to counseling a couple of times over my life and they helped. Never tried one online, though. But I don’t see why that couldn’t work, too. Best of luck!! 🙂

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  2. I think I’d get into the bad habit of shopping for therapists like I do shopping for dates, and we’d be breaking up often. I have all of my dates in person now and don’t meet anyone via the internet anymore, and I believe that would be the best policy for therapists for me too. I definitely see the value for others, though.

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  3. I’m thrilled you found this therapist and the fact that you are emailing her is a plus, in my mind. Food, diet, obsession… they are often symptoms but they’re catchy. I’m glad you are feeling safe with this mode of therapy and see it as a real win for all the challenges of physically attending sessions. I’m trying to put food in its proper place. Trying to break up with habits and finding that it leaves me time to do other things that really do give me pleasure. It’s a rocky road but worth the adventure.

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  4. Hello Wendy.
    It’s great you’ve found someone who can help with this.
    It’s also nice to read your post, as although you are talking about serious issues, there are some bits of humor in there too 🙂
    Keep smiling Wendy and all the best with the therapy.
    Take care, Carly x

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  5. I’ve been trying to lose the last 10 pounds too. when i eat carbs and sugar I gain but they are my drug of choice. I’m working on the premise that zig-zagging up and down with one or two pounds is ok as long as the trend is ultimately downward. I have to weigh myself each morning in order to stay on course. So, if you want to say I’m obsessed with the weight loss and gain it’s true! Ultimately, I think I’ll lose the last 10 pounds . . . just don’t know when.

    As a retired therapist I occasionally do a phone session but only with former clients. Phone sessions are harder for me as the visual cues (theirs and mine) aren’t there. It certainly is the wave of the present though. My only concern is that there are so many therapists out there that need therapy themselves it may be harder for the client who has never been to in person therapy to figure out which therapists are good, which ones are mediocre at best and not appropriately trained at worst. So glad you found someone who seems to meet your needs.

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    1. Judith, I have the same concerns.
      I think that on line therapy would be best for someone who has been in therapy before. If I hadn’t been, I never would have tried this.
      I like the therapist, so far.
      She believes in homework!!

      I think most of us are a little obsessed with weight loss.
      It was when I broke down in the grocery store that I realized I had a problem.

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