I started this blog as a journey in my life, I don’t feel that I’ve been talking much about what has been going on with me recently. I’ve decided to try to write a post every week that gives a little update about what is going on in my life. This may end rather quickly as my life is rather boring. So that’s 3 post I’m going to try to write each week. Mindfulness Mondays, An Informational Post, and All about Me. All about me is a bit of a therapeutic post.
This past week has been a bit emotional. I realized just how much I’ve been focusing my stress on a certain person. All the anger and sadness I’ve been feeling was focused on this person. I’m dealing with a lot since my father died. There’s a lot to process. Some I don’t think I really want to process, but it’s coming out if I want it to or not. I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress the past few months and all of that built up and I focused it on one certain person. I didn’t realize it. I thought everything I was thinking was true. I thought everything I was feeling was true. Some of it may be, but I don’t think most of it is. This week it all came to a head. First I told this person that everything was wrong and they just needed to go away. Then I broke down. What was happening to me? Why was I acting like that? I realized I was obsessing about this. I felt out of control and thought this was one thing I could control, but it wouldn’t make things right. Therefore things simply could not be right. What was going on in my mind? After breaking down in sobs and talking with Stuart the realization came out. It’s not that person at all. They were just a convenient scapegoat. They were in the way of my wrath. Gods forgive me, I was being a complete bitch. And I’m still crying about it. I’m trying really hard to make amends, I hope they can forgive me. I can’t honestly say that everything I was feeling was because of miss-focused stress, but I know most of it was. I don’t know if things will work out, I know I want it to, we can only try.
Other things that happened this week. I saw my psychiatric PA. I just love her. She just moved offices and now we have to drive 45 minutes to get there, unfortunately this trip took an hour because of an accident, but I’m not willing to stop seeing her and start all over trying to find someone I click with. As soon as I saw her she gave me a hug. How many psych PA’s give their clients a hug when they see them? I do like to think I’m special. 🙂 We decided that I need to increase my anti-depressant. I’ve had very good response with Latuda but I still need a bit of tweaking. I’ve just felt blah, angry, and I’m arguing much more than normal. I’m sure Stuart will be very happy if that stops.
I didn’t see my therapist this week. She’s moving. Not her office, she’s moving her home. I do look forward to seeing her again next week.
I did have PT for my neck on Monday. I’m a little frustrated there. Evidently the trigger points in my neck are getting better. I’m not nearly as tight. Yet, I left the PT session in much more pain than I was in when I got there. The pain continued to be worse for a few days. I had an appointment scheduled for Wednesday, but I canceled it. I simply didn’t feel like going. I had a migraine, I was very off balance and my neck really hurt. I didn’t feel like going through all that again on that day. I’ll go back next week.
Today we are going to go and look at cars. We really need a new car. I’m going to miss my little yellow convertible VW bug, but it isn’t practical and it is starting to need work. This was supposed to be my car. We bought it when we thought I was better. Then I got worse again. I’ve barely driven this car. It makes me sad to think about that. Getting rid of it is like getting rid of…oh I don’t know how to put it into word. I got this car when I believed I was better. I guess I’m getting rid of the last bit of that time. I lost so much when it was over.
So that’s the end of this week. I’m going to end with things I’m grateful for this week.
- I’m grateful I realized how I’ve been focusing my stress and anger on the wrong person.
- I’m grateful I have a wonderful psychiatric PA, it really helps.
- I’m grateful we are able to get a more practical car. It might bring up some sad memories, but I’m very grateful and happy we are able to get a car we need.