Ahhhh!!! I wrote more on this post, I revised it, I saved it, I really did. I wrote more on it last night, and saved it. I opened it this morning and wrote more, I revised….I just tried to put in a photo and finish it up….error. Really? So I thought, I’ll save it and then try again. It asked, “are you sure you want to do this?” I knew it was too late then….all my work today was gone. Oh but wait, a lot I added last night was gone too! All my revisions. What the???
I can’t do it again. So all the revisions, all the changes, you aren’t going to get. Because now I have a migraine. I really want to post this today. The parts that say today in here, are really yesterday….that was fixed in the revision, but Oh well! This is what you get today. I was feeling better today after voicing a lot of this, so today it was changed to be a bit more positive….you wont’ see that. WordPress is not being kind, and I’m going to live in this moment and not deal with it. haha
So….here you go….the post that is kind of what I wanted to write.
I haven’t written much about how I’m really doing. About how some things have been getting to me a bit. I’m trying hard to keep mindful and stay diligent with my mindfulness practice, but I have to admit, I’m not far enough along in my mindfulness studies and practices to counteract my feelings right now.
When we first moved to Charlotte, I was feeling so much better! I was able to do things around the house, to take walks, to well….do things! I could hear. I was thrilled the last time I went to Durham I had a long conversation with my old neighbor and not once did I have to ask her to repeat herself. Not once! That was amazing!! That has drastically changed.
Right now I can’t walk very far at all. I can’t walk at all without pain.
I still haven’t been able to start physical therapy. It’s mostly my fault…bad decision in the beginning, I thought I should wait until I saw the hip doctor to make sure he didn’t want to add things to the PT orders, or something, heck I don’t know, it seemed like a smart thing at the time. That delayed things almost a week, then we called to set up an appointment, it was a week out! So that is 2 weeks I wasted. So my first appointment was supposed to be today. I had a cluster headache last night, when I woke up this morning I had no balance and felt like I had a hangover. There was no way I could go to physical therapy. I could barely stand up. So again a delay….until Friday. *sigh*
My back actually feels better, I don’t have a lot of pain shooting down my leg any more. My hip still hurts a lot. But the hip doctor said nothing is wrong with my hip. He was actually not someone I would want to see again. He was the type of surgeon who looks at a scan and says, “Your CT scan is basically normal, there is nothing there I can fix.” and then proceeded to tell me it was therefore all coming from my back and good bye. Even though I didn’t hurt my back until after my hip pain started! The back doctor said, yes I have a herniated disc, but I also have hip problems too. The back specialist was wonderful! He believes in conservative treatment first, and explained things well, was very knowledgeable. I would recommend him to anyone! This hip doctor, was knife happy. If he didn’t see something he could immediately cut on me to fix, it wasn’t his problem. No matter how many questions I had. I told him that I could have gotten that information on the phone, and I was sure that was the quickest visit he had that day. He said, he loved giving good news. Ugh!!!
I’m trying hard not spin “what if” stories about the future with the hip/back thing. I will live in each day. I WILL! I will work hard at my physical therapy and get my muscles back in shape, and deal with how it turns out when it happens. This I will do. It is just really hard.
Since the Fall weather has begun my ears have started to tell me they are in charge of my life again. I was having multiple vertigo attacks a day. Just little ones, I handled them pretty good. It was exhausting. It was driving me crazy. I was trying so hard. Every afternoon around 4 or 5pm I start having tinnitus that is pretty relentless. It is hard to deal with. It can drive you insane to hear this very loud noise every evening for hours. My hearing sounds like I’m listening through a deep barrel. This reverberating noise. It has gotten much worse since I had the very bad Meniere’s attack about 3 weeks ago. My balance has gotten much worse too. These things have been exceptionally hard to deal with. I can’t stand to be in a crowd, heck I can barely stand for Stuart to talk to me in the evenings. I have been having slow vertigo almost constantly. If I focus on one thing it moves. Nothing is ever still. I always feel like I am slightly moving. This scares the mess out of me.
So where am I now?
I’m scared. I’m lonely. I’m sad. I’m mad. And I’m determined to NOT feel like this for long!!!!
This is a time when I have to be careful not to dip into depression. I have to pay close attention to my bipolar signals. I have to up my coping mechanisms. Be sure to get plenty of rest, keep up with my stress, take my meds on time……pay attention to me. Bipolar can sneak up on you at times like this, even when you’ve been stable for a long time.
Before I was when I was really sick and I was alone because I felt so ill. Being alone was felt better for me. I was almost afraid to be around other people. Now, I don’t feel that bad…I’m not in horrific pain, I’m not throwing up all the time. I just can’t stand to be around people because I can’t hear them. I get confused. Noise drives me crazy. I can’t go for walks. I can’t get out in the neighborhood and meet people. I’m very disappointed right now.
I wanted to do things here. I wanted to get out and really have a life.
I’ve been stuck on this couch for so long.
am I giving up?
What do you think???
I have an appointment with a new otolaryngologist here coming up soon. Will he be able to do anything? Maybe not. But he will be able to give a new perspective on things. This is a big clinic here and they are doing some studies on Meniere’s. I probably won’t qualify for any because I am so advanced, but since they are so interested in the disease means they have some people there that are open to different things. So who knows? I will also be getting my Cochlear Implants adjusted. After I have a major attack I always have to have them adjusted. They think it’s because when someone with Meniere’s has an attack the area in the cochlea swells, well that is where all the wires are for the cochlear implant, that is how I hear. They get pressed on and it changes things. So things have to be adjusted. This doesn’t happen a lot with people who have Meniere’s who get CI’s because usually when they get to that stage they have stopped having vertigo attacks, or they don’t have them very often. This has become a pretty routine thing with me. So I had to find a CI audiologist close to home.
Even if the new doctor doesn’t help….I will deal with things. I’m sure we can get my hearing better. If not, I will deal with it.
That’s what I do. I accept things, and move on. That’s life. and as much as the road as been a bit rocky lately and I have had a hard time dealing with things, I still love my life. really I do! I have a lot to be grateful for…I’m just a little overwhelmed at the moment. Having a little bit of difficulty with “not wanting things to be different”. I want things to be different. Right now I want that very much. If it doesn’t change? I will adapt. I will change my expectations. I will accept. It will just take me a little bit.