This is not the post I’d planned to write, but life has thrown me for a loop so I’m telling it all….
On Thursday it was a beautiful day. The weather was perfect with temperatures in the 70’s F, and clear skies; an amazingly gorgeous day for the second day of February. I decided to take a drive for the first time since June. I haven’t had vertigo for over a month so why not? I went to a small town just north of us, it wasn’t a long drive and I chose that route because there is very little traffic on the road. The top was down in my little car, and I had a blast! What a milestone!!
Not so good – we went to our ASL (American Sign Language) class Thursday night. This was our second class. I’m not sure I’ll go back. I keep telling the teacher and the students I’m hard of hearing. I’m so very lost in the class because i can’t hear what’s going on. If Stuart tries to tell me what I’ve missed then he misses something. I was so upset, I teared up 3 times, and came very close to just walking out. To explain some of my frustration,, we have exercises where we each say things in sign language. Then the teacher will call on someone to translate what the person said, I couldn’t hear what the person was saying so I have no idea if I understood what the person was saying in sign language. (note, this is just one example). I do not see how I’m going to get anything out of this class. Stuart is going to write the teacher. One huge problem, they allowed too many people in the class. So there are 16 people in there and I’m the only one who is hard of hearing. I feel so isolated and sad. The one place I thought would be more understanding, and help me, is simply ignoring my needs.
Friday I had slosh head all day, and was afraid I was catching a cold. The weather had changed, and we had cleaners come in on Thursday (I’m sure they kicked up a lot of dust), so I wasn’t that worried about it. Probably just barometric pressure change and allergies. Yesterday, I had minor slosh head, better than the day before, still didn’t think much of it since it was now raining. We decided to go out and do some things. When we were in Earth Fare (a small healthy grocery store), I turned to look at Stuart and the world spun around. I tried to brush it off as a little disequilibrium but couldn’t. We went to the little cafe they have so I could get something to drink and take my pills. I sat for a little bit but things were not getting better, I had the overwhelming desire to curl up on the floor. We hurried and bought our little bit of groceries and headed home. Once in the car I was still feeling horrible and got Stuart to search around for something I could throw up in if I needed to. I then took another Valium. I don’t normally take them so close together, but we had a 25 – 30 minute drive home, and I did not want to have a severe attack in the car! Wonders upon wonders it worked. When we got home I was still pretty off but I knew the worst was not going to happen.
** some of the following may be too graphic for some readers.
Today I was just waking up and stretching when I felt my husband kissed me. A pretty nice way to wake up huh? The first thing I really noticed was how loud the tinnitus was. My head was still a bit sloshy, and today it was also screaming at me. Since I was a bit off, Stuart made me some breakfast and brought it up to me. (oh, I have to admit he does this a lot any way…what a guy!). After breakfast I felt exhausted and thought perhaps I should sleep a bit more. I put my sleep mask on and started to doze, suddenly I felt like I was moving. Stuart walked in the room and I told him, he grabbed me some pills. I had to go to the bathroom. He helped me there and left, but I ended up having to call for him to help me. I couldn’t stand, pull up my undies, or anything. He rushed in and helped me and nearly carried me to the bed. By then I was in full spin. I grabbed a second Valium (it worked the day before!) and Stuart helped with a Phenergan suppository. *ick*
I kept trying to focus on one spot but the spot kept moving around and around…I was getting sicker by the moment. I was nauseous, but hadn’t had the tell-tell sign of the extreme heat that usually precedes the vomiting. Oh…but the diarrhea….I knew it was going to blow if I could make it to the bathroom or not. I also knew if I moved my head enough to get up and go to the bathroom I was going to start throwing up. What to do? I was getting pretty upset by this point…all the chanting of affirmations and envisioning myself as a tree with strong roots that cannot be moved were not working…I was starting to panic.
My dearest darling husband created the portable bed pan (a trash can with a liner) once again, like he did when I was stuck in bed for a week after surgery not able to raise my head. So I scooted my butt off the bed over the trash can, keeping my head very level…and exploded! Oh my gosh, I had no idea that was going to happen. Sometimes the suppository makes me really feel like I have to go, but it just dispels what’s left of the suppository and a little bit more. This was gross. I was so embarrassed and just completely grossed out. I kept apologizing and crying a bit. After that ended, the vertigo started to subside.
Stuart was so wonderful. He told me he’d much rather deal with the bed pan situation, than for me to throw up. He said it’s so much easier on my body. And he’s right, but the diarrhea in the make shift bed pan, and having to have him clean me up…that’s much higher on the embarrassment scale. I guess I just need to get over that, and I’m so grateful I have a husband that will do anything to help me feel better. He’s very right though, the vomiting is terrifying, and much more painful. So I’ll swallow the embarrassment I guess.
I’m still slosh headed, and feeling a bit wonky. I’m exhausted, have napped a bit on and off, but I keep waking up feeling worse.
When we walked out of the store yesterday, with Stuart helping me hobble to the car, I said to him, “Well, the surgery is supposed to make the vertigo 70 – 90% better, they never said it was gone.” Very stoic of me, holding it all together. However, once we were in the car and on the way home, I broke down. I thought about how I drove just 2 days earlier, what if this had happened then? I thought about how all I wanted to do in that store was curl up on the floor and pray for the room to stop. What if I had been alone? I feel like every time I feel I’ve made an advancement and can make some plans, the floor falls out from under me.
Even more reason to live every day as it comes! I do not regret my drive, and I wasn’t far from home. If I had gotten sick, I would have pulled the car off the road and called for help. I would have handled it! If I had been at the store alone…well, that would have been more difficult. I probably would have taken my pills and left the groceries. Gone to the car and called for help. I’d rather be alone in my car dealing with this than in a public place. I may worry, but I’m confident if the worst happens I will be able to handle it.