My dear, dear friends, thank you so much for the very kind words that you said about me after my last post.
I kept reading these comments, thinking…”Yeah, I like that about me too!: Some I hadn’t thought of, but realized after reading them, that yes, that is a part of me. It made me realize, I can write the list as 20 things I like about Me. I just needed a little push to remember some of those things. Thank you! And I guess, after this past two years, I needed to hear that there were still some things about me that others think are likable. Thank You Again!
I sat down and had a talk with myself. It went something like this….”OK Wendy, you’ve been telling people you will just change your expectations of life, since things aren’t what you expected. Now, You didn’t mean you’d expect things to be bad…no Mam! You simply think things are different, and you can work with that. You are strong, and you can find the light that will lead you out of this tunnel! So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get moving again! Remember, success is getting up once more often than you fall down.” (yes, when I talk to myself I have a VERY Southern accent, it comes out any time I get angy. I am originally from Charleston, SC after all.)
So I made a plan. I have been so sick for so long, I haven’t been taking the best care of myself. Partially because I couldn’t for a while, but some days because, I just didn’t have the drive. I thought, what’s the use, I can’t do anything. Why get dressed? Why shower? Why do much of anything? Even on the days when I could (Physically)….sometimes I just couldn’t (Emotionally). After my little talk with myself, I decided, it doesn’t matter if I have nowhere to go, if I can get out of bed Physically, I will take care of myself more. I will get dressed every day, even if I don’t step foot outside. If at all possible, I will at least go downstairs to work on the computer and do my artwork. I will try…very, very hard to get out of the house more often, even if it’s just to walk to the mailbox and back. And last, but certainly not least, I will try my best to be around people more often.
Pretty big change from my last post huh? Sometimes I think I need to hit that dark place, to make me realize I need to pull myself out of it. This was a slow decent to a place I was scared of, and I didn’t like myself one little bit. A friend of mine once told me that he admired how I could pull myself out of times like these. It isn’t easy. (plus I’ve been through a LOT of therapy!) I have bipolar disorder, I can tell when depression is enveloping me, just as I can tell when I’m starting to fly in with the mania. My psychiatrist once told me that I was more in tuned with myself than any patient he had, I’m grateful for that. If I feel I’m swinging one way or the other, first I tell myself…this will pass! I will NOT feel like this forever. Then I try some exercises my therapist has helped me with, or I meditate, or I read something I find helps…I try to help myself before things get too one-sided. If I can’t then I get on the phone and call my psych! That’s what he’s there for. Luckily, I didn’t have to do that this time. My pep talk to myself, the affirmations I got from my friends here, and reading some Buddhist teachings, helped to pull me out of it. (and I have an appointment with my psychiatrist next week, so I knew if that didn’t work, he would be there for me.)
One day, I’ll write more about being bipolar. I’m lucky I am stable, have been for years now. When I feel one emotion going too extreme, I know what to do. I recognize it and can get help before I get to the breaking point. However, I had a lot of struggles to get here, and there are many people out there who aren’t as lucky as I am. I think the one factor that made the biggest difference in my life with this disease, is finding the right psychiatrist and therapist. I’ve seen a few, but they weren’t a good fit with me. It’s very hard to understand that when you are ill, but I finally realized if I’m not comfortable with the person treating me, I shouldn’t stay with them. Now I don’t mean, my therapist said something I didn’t want to hear, so I left. I mean, our personalities didn’t mesh, I didn’t feel I could trust one of them….have you ever been with someone and they gave you this funny tummy feeling? Like something just isn’t right? That’s what I mean, that tells me that things aren’t going to work. Finally I got a good match, and that made all the difference.
So…I took my own advise today, and got up, took care of my personal needs, got dressed, put on make-up!, and then I rested! Whew, that was a work out!
Hubby needed to run some errands, so I decided to get out of the house. Today I had the least amount of disequilibrium I’ve had in a very long time! Mainly only when I bent over, or turned my head too fast. Luckily, I didn’t do that very often.
We went and dropped off some donations, and I bought a pair of shoes, and a purse at Goodwill for $5.00!! I love Thrift Stores!! We went to Michael’s to exchange a picture frame for the right size. Had lunch out. That’s always a challenge with my hearing, and food issues. So we went to a place that has one thing I know I can eat safely, I let Stuart order for me so I didn’t have to try to hear the person taking my order, and we sat where no one would be behind me, and a little away from as many people as we could. It made things much easier. I found if there is a lot of noise in a place I get dizzier. On top of the anxiety I’m feeling because I can’t hear, it really makes it hard…but I did it! We also dropped by the grocery store for a few things. A busy day. However, we took our time. I took rest breaks, and I don’t feel I over did it! We’ll find out tomorrow.
Once more I want to thank you all for being so kind, and helping me out by telling me things you like about me. Please know you are very special people. Look at how you reached out to help me! How you support me and others. Please know, that you are loved.
My this New Year bring all of us greater health, happiness, prosperity, and love! (and anything I may have left out that you are wishing for!)