To Blog or Not to Blog….that is the question that has been running through my mind for days.
When I am down I don’t like to unburden myself on others. Should I post about my feelings, doubts, questions, depression….? Or should I just keep quiet. Write in my journal, talk to my hubby…but basically, just keep it to myself?
Guess you know what I picked. Finally.
I decided to spill it, at least to you guys. I have to admit this is hard. Once when I posted something on facebook about how I was feeling, someone asked if I was having a pity party that day. Well, yeah, maybe, but can’t I have one now and then? So what! By the way, what I said wasn’t that pitiful, it was just an observation. Something like: I wonder if I lived alone, and died, how long would it take someone to notice? I had been closed up in my house for a long time, and the only person who I’d been in contact with was my husband. OK, so maybe it was a bit of a pity party.
Today, you are formally invited to a pity party, in honor of ME!
As everyone knows I haven’t been having the best of times for a little while now. I had CSF patches again, 13 days ago. I don’t feel like I’m making that much progress. I’m happy to say I’m not spinning. (although I have come close a couple of times)
My back still hurts. I’m having headaches….a lot of headaches, that don’t seem to be touched with meds. The tinnitus is going up and down, it’s very confusing. I had one day where I could hear out of my left ear. Not perfect of course, but almost back to the way it was a couple of months ago. Just one day…why? When I wake up in the mornings the tinnitus is so much worse…why? After I’m up for a while, I start to get a headache, but the tinnitus gets better….why? It just doesn’t make sense. The tinnitus being worse in the morning after I’ve been lying down all night should mean high pressure, but the headaches after I’ve been up for a while should mean low pressure. I’m so dang confused! And why is my back still hurting? Just on one side, mainly in one place. A place where it really hurt when they were patching. And it itches! One little spot on my back, and I can’t reach it! Thank goodness for getting a back scratcher for my birthday!
Why am I still surprised by how little people reach out? Why does it still hurt when my father doesn’t remember my birthday? It’s not very smart, the same circumstances, the same people, yet I expect a different outcome…yeah, don’t think it’s going to happen. Need to just get over it, and move on. (so why does it still hurt?)
Need to whine a little bit more. My hip is not cooperating lately. I thought it was getting better…(does that seem to be a theme here? thought I was getting better?? hmmm). Now often when I stand it hurts so bad I can’t put my weight on that leg. It aches at night, so it’s even harder to sleep. Of course, the hip is on the back burner right now. When Meniere’s is in the forefront then everything else takes a back seat. Darn it.
Went to the dentist on Monday. I almost barfed when they kept moving that darn chair. I had to take my meds so I could take it. Now I have a temporary crown, I’ll be getting the permanent crown in two weeks. Thank goodness I had some birthday money. I feel bad enough about all the doctor bills I have, but this…ugh.
Now to make you smile. This is not the best picture of me, but, it does show a bit of the orange. (Note, this is after my hair has been washed a few times. It is not as orange as it was.)
Ok, so you can barely see it in this photo. But in real life, my streak was pretty orange. Luckily, it’s starting to look a bit more like strawberry blond. Not too sure that’s a good thing on me…but it’s better than Bozo Orange. : )
So, to sum up: I feel like I really shouldn’t be complaining. I’m not spinning. I remember when I said I would give anything for that, it was all I wanted. Now, I’m being selfish I want more. I want to not have headaches. I want for the tinnitus to be at a bearable level. I want my hip to work right. Am I asking for too much? Possibly. If so, I’ll learn to live with it. As long as the vertigo is gone, I think I can manage. I’ll just have to re-evaluate live, and adjust.
Oh, thought you might like to see a little project that I did. A dear friend of mine’s little girl was celebrating her 10th birthday, and she loves Penguins…so I sent her this card: