Another venting post. If you are tired of hearing me bitch, please just ignore this post and come back next time. : )
I think I’m dealing with things pretty well…considering. Stuart says that I just brush things off, that I’m not realizing how much has been coming down on me. Perhaps that’s why I haven’t been feeling well? I don’t really feel stressed…but I think it’s coming out in other ways. Deep Breath!!
As you all know I went through a scare with Stuart recently. I must admit this has gotten to me more than I want to acknowledge. I realized this yesterday when we were lying in bed, laughing about something, and I grabbed him and looked him in the eye and said, “DON’T YOU EVER SCARE ME LIKE YOU DID!” And yes, I was shaking him a little bit as I said it. What the???? And I keep dreaming about it. We will be together in my dream and I will look over and see him as he was when he walked in the door on that fateful day. Not a good dream.
Now I have something else on my mind. One of my best friends is going through marital troubles. She has twin girls who just turned 3. Her marriage has been strained for the past couple of years. Night before last he was arrested for physical abuse. I’m so worried about her. I’m happy that she is on her way to her mother’s, and will be away from the situation for a while. But I’m concerned. And I’m afraid she won’t talk with me about it. I knew things weren’t right between then, but she hasn’t talked to me about it really. She didn’t want to “bother” me with everything because of what I’ve been going through. That really bothered me. It really bothers me that my friends don’t think I could still be a friend because of my health problems. Am I not still the same person? Am I not still the person she has confided in for years? Or is she just using that as an excuse because she knows I never really liked her husband. Or because she was embarrassed?
But she isn’t the first friend who has told me that they didn’t want to “bother” or “burden” me with their problems because of everything I’ve been going through. That hurts, and I just don’t get it. For one thing, I’ve been a lot better since January. And even when I was more ill, it would have helped me so much if my friends still made me feel needed. I had to start this blog to start feeling needed again.
I shouldn’t say I don’t get it. I do. But people just don’t understand. I don’t need to be left alone to wallow in my illness. I need to feel needed! I need my friends. Instead I’m often avoided. Even now that I’m feeling better. I feel like some of my friendships have not survived. We are more like acquaintances now.
I’m still not feeling “normal”. I have “slosh head”. My hearing has been down for a month now. So I’ve been on constant alert that I may be having an attack at any moment for weeks…heck, this is beginning to feel like my normal. I am so tired so much of the time. What is wrong with me? I’m sleeping 10 – 12 hours a night, and often take a 2-4 hour nap during the day. So some days I’m only awake for about 8 hours. Oh, and the headaches. I’ve been having more and more headaches.
OK, perhaps the stress is getting to me.
Picnic with Ants 
I love the term “slosh head”. I saw it in the comments the other day and it describes perfectly how I’ve been feeling lately. I know allergies and rainy weather have made things worse for me this year. And I’ve been sleeping more lately, so you’re not alone in that, either.
I hope your friend that is suffering the abuse gets help. There is just as much emotional and mental abuse as well as physical. You may be right as to the reason for not saying anything is embarrassment. Other reasons could be because people are afraid because they’ve been threatened if they talk about the abuse, they think no one else will want them or they think they can’t afford to leave. Hopefully she’ll be talking to people who work with victims of abuse and letting them help her and her children. It’s so easy to fall back into the same trap again for some of the women, especially if they feel they have no where else to turn.
As for your friends, I’d say keep reminding them that they’re not a “bother”. They may mean well by not discussing stressful things because they are dealing with their own stresses first-hand, need a break from them and don’t want to talk it. Much like we want to hear about what is going on in the lives of our friends and not just talk about our illnesses.
As for the people who seem to have moved to the acquaintance category: they may be afraid or eventually that’s what may have happened anyways. By seeing you suffer an illness, they may be seeing what their future could be like and it scares them. When people are afraid, they sometimes avoid they very thing that is causing the fear. You’ve talked a bit about the future in a recent post. I’ve been trying to write a post about what the future holds and it is scary to think about. Maybe some of the acquaintances can become friends again after some time has passed. Maybe not. The illness may have sped up the move to the acquaintance category that would have happened anyway.
And vent when you need to. I’m a firm believer in venting. It helps to get things out, whether it’s said verbally or in a blog post.
And now that I’ve finished my little “essay” I hope you guys are having a good day.
Maureen
LikeLike
Oh Maureen, I needed to hear everything you said. Thank you. in so many ways. w
LikeLike
People generally do not want to share their bad news or stress because they know we are ill. However, it does help when we can focus on something other than our own health issues.
When I first started having symptoms, I was in bed for 22 hours straight. It seemed that sleeping took less effort than anything else. As time progressed my sleeping patterns changed, sleeping for 12+ hours and later taking a couple of naps during the day. My sleeping patterns have changed throughout these past 13 years.
My sleep patterns have improved with medication, mild stretching exercises, constant body scans correcting my posture, and resting throughout the day. No sleeping, but periods of rest and relaxation.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope and pray you experience better days as time passes.
LikeLike