Bonus Prompt: I keep writing because… Start your post with this sentence and, as the title says, keep writing. Free write for 15 minutes without stopping and see where it takes you.
(today’s original prompt was to post a Health Mascot. My dog Sandy is my mascot, but I couldn’t right about that today. She died April 18th, one day I’ll write about what a brave, and wonderful dog she was, how many health issues she had and over came, how she was as the vet often called her, “a Wonder Dog”. But not today.)
I keep writing because…recently I keep writing because I am determined to finish this challenge.
Actually, I’ve begun to wonder, why I keep writing. I know why I started, I know I have made some good contacts, friends, and my heart has been here. This blog has really helped me through some tough times when I felt no one else was listening. I’d write, just to write, and I found there were others out there, others who felt like I did, others who needed to have that contact too. Now, I’m hurting so much. I’ve had so much loss this past year. I felt I dealt with each one, I was strong, and positive. I was told I was the most positive person someone knew. I was proud of myself and how I was looking at life.
Then another diagnosis came earlier this year, and it has been hard to deal with. I couldn’t be that positive about it. I’m still a bit in shock from it, and simply not sure how to look on things positively. I’m larger than I’ve ever been, and the doctors just seem to be ignoring it, yet they tell me my triglycerides are high, and I’m borderline high blood pressure….ect….but they all say, don’t worry about the weight right now, you have to focus on this. I’m afraid I’m on my way to diabetes. I read all these books on nutrition, cut out soda, all High Fructose Corn Syrup, snack on nuts, cheese, fruit, veggies, eat at home more, cut out gluten….all these will help you lose weight…but I do all of that. so why can’t I lose weight? I need help, I’ve been to a nutritionist, no help. Most don’t even know what fructose intolerance is….I know more than most of the “professionals”. I’m grieving for the loss of what I used to be, what I used to look like. I now have no energy, can’t exercise because it will raise my CSF pressure, I can’t walk for long because of my hips, I can’t even enjoy sex.
I’m grieving because I lost everything that I gained early last year. I can’t drive again…but I have a cute little car. I can’t be a foster parent, even though we went through all the classes had all the references…everything…but no, I can’t because it wouldn’t be fair with my health issues to bring a child into this. And frankly I don’t think I’d pass the physical now.
and worst of all I lost my best friend, my little baby dog. A HUGE part of me died with her. I have to find a way to make that part live again. To put the pieces of my life back together, even if some of the pieces are missing
Why do I write? Because I need to.
But I also need to take a break.
I may write sporadically for a while to let you know what is going on, but I need to take a break from the internet. I won’t be reading other people’s blogs as much or commenting as much. I need to take some time to focus on me. I may write about it, I may not. right now I’m simply trying to figure out how to get past all the grief of things I’ve lost this year, or how to grieve without losing myself. I need to focus more on the spiritual side of me. I need to make some huge decisions. My husband and I need to grieve over our Sandy together, and figure out how we will carry on with our family now that such a huge part of it is gone. We may end up moving. As I said a lot of decisions….and a lot of needs.
But yes I will write again. Because I must.
End 15 minutes…plus a little to put in the photo. : )